hometown postings
three days. that's how many days i've been at my parents house, when i woke up today and had an incredible urge to pack up my car and drive back to boston. and then drive back to jersey on friday to work at the club on new years eve. why? because my back was sore from sleeping on the floor. and it is so fucking cold here i couldn't even take a shower today. and my parents don't keep the cleanest house. i swear they are growing fucking science experiments in the refrigerator. ick. (but i can forgive them on that one because they are 60 y.o. and are in the nightclub business.) so when i told my parents i wanted to leave, they gave me money to buy a space heater and helped me haul a queen-size mattress up from the basement. things are much much better now. i think i'll stay.

I FINISHED MY FINALS YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!

and i'm sorry i couldn't post, but i went straight to the bar. i'm learning how to be a lawyer. it was also my friend's birthday so that added to the festivities. holy shit. it was nice to wake up today and not have to study or think about studying. it was NOT nice to wake up with my contacts in, my mouth fuzzy, cold and nearly naked on my couch. ahh, the hangover. i met people last night i have never seen at law school before, but who are my classmates. i met people who were homeless. i met people who spoke french. i met people i thought i didn't like. i've decided to like everyone at school. my new resolution.

this post is taking me all day to write. i just got back from some modest christmas shopping. got stuff for the parents. isn't it nice to get to the register and be surprised because one of the items you have is on sale, and you're going to spend $20 less than you expected? yeay! i'm going to go out to dinner soon. there really isn't much to talk about. law school is done for three weeks. i'm going to see my parents tomorrow. i might drink again tonight. i'll be back at the books before i know it.

i wish i could spend my winter break making this map more red


create your own visited countries map

drunk posting -- a new pasttime
i don't remember leaving the previous post. i was out celebrating the end of my property exam on thursday night, came home quite drunk, and did lots of shit, like ate, and drunk posted. (at least it wasn't drunk dialing.) last night, i had the decency to pass out before i could do any of that shit. ohhh man. last night was a little sloppy. i'm not sure why, but sloppy enough for me to wake up and call last night sloppy ... for reasons beyond just feeling hung over. the foreign grad students had a party last night. i've seen them around, sat in class with them, but never really hung out with them. i think that milestone has been crossed off my list. europeans. and asians. oh it was so much fun! like studying abroad, or living abroad, or traveling abroad, without all the jet lag, expenses, and fun of customs. i just don't know when i stopped keeping track of what i was drinking.

no title
i am needy. please leave some comments.

negotiations
it's a good thing i have studying to fill up my time, cuz i sure as damn hell don't have hockey. stupid nhlpa and stupid nhl. JUST MAKE A FUCKING DEAL, GET OVER IT, AND SAVE THE FUCKING SPORT FROM BECOMING A SAD FOOTNOTE!

old hat
took my second exam today. contracts. this is a semester long course, so i just determined 4 credits worth of grade in one three-hour sitting. (civ. pro. was only 40% of a 6 credit course.) i felt far less mentally violated than after civil procedure. i actually ... i confess ... kinda had fun! it was half multiple choice, half essay. the multiple choice was far easier than the LSAT, but more ambiguous. just imagine, the LSAT questions have been tested repeatedly so any ambiguities and uncertainties have been discovered and written and edited out. my test today was written by a 70(?) year old professor who's been teaching here since the late 60's. he has gone through god knows how many textbooks. when he started teaching, the UCC wasn't even enacted yet! let's just say, in many ways, the testing has not been as rigorous. the second part of the test was essay. and this was also less violating than civ pro because there were sorta crazy people in it. aaah, i love crazy people!

thursday: property. hopeless.

church, and continuous posting
i've been doing pretty well. i've been posting every day for a week, i think! wow.
today i got my fat ass out of bed early and went to church before studying all day. for the first time in a long time, i have found a church i like. nothing freaky like people trying to speak in tongues, and no interpretive dance performances. i hate when people treat church as a stage for their unrealized dreams of becoming a rock star/interpretive dancer.

at the start of the service, the children's choir sang some christmas songs. that was kind of just what i needed. god reminding me that there are things greater in this world than my own pathetic problems. when i worked with kids every day, it was easy to be reminded of the joy of little ones. it's been a long time since i've had that reminder. when i'm around a baby, it's not that i want one, but it's this instant, shocking reminder of what is real and important. life is real. caring for others is real. my pathetic insecurities and trivial crushes are not real. i only let them overwhelm me, and i don't have to.

i remember in college, one of my biggest struggles was with my emotions. they would become so overpowering, that i'd be incapacitated. i wouldn't get out of bed for two days, sometimes it seemed. if i liked a guy, i'd eventually sink into the deepest of depressions that would make me question my own self-worth. it still happens a little bit. but i expect it now, and i don't let it overwhelm me. i don't wallow in those feelings, because while i acknowledge those feelings, i know they're not grounded in truth. it helps a little that i'm too busy to take two days off to wallow in front of the tv and eat mallomars. not that i've ever eaten a mallomar.

in other news, my neighbor knocked on my door. i didn't realize it was 2am and i had my music on really loud and i was singing along, quite obnoxiously. she was NOT happy.

home town sounds
i am obsessed with the garden state soundtrack, particularly the track by colin hay. it's really depressing. it's about him trying to get over someone. depressing music ... it sometimes makes me feel better, but often just makes me feel depressed, and then when i'm depressed i just want to listen to more depressing music until at some point i just have to either get up and exercise or succumb to the urge to drown in my bathwater or something. ahh such a vicious cycle.

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Lyrics

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

do i even have time for this?
here's a story from the nytimes, an editorial, noting that public tv has banned a kinsey pseudo-ad, and a public radio station in north carolina that banned an INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S RIGHTS group from saying "reproductive rights." and of course, the article goes on to talk about how when kinsey's report first came out, it was going to be the decline of moral values, blah blah blah.

and i ask you this: aren't honest and healthy attitudes towards sex and talking about sex completely different from using sex to manipulate people into buying underwear and cd's and cars??!!?!! so yes, maybe the morality of society has declined and we're all fucked up because i hate my body because i watch too many victoria's secret ads and can't watch mtv without seeing 1800 belly buttons and people who look 16 gyrating quite seductively. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be able to understand my sexuality, talk about my sexuality, and deal with my sexuality out in the open. there's a difference between learning and dealing with a big part of your life and manipulating those weaknesses to make me want / be something i can never have / be.

if i've got an exam in an hour and a half and i can think of this, why can't the fucking people out there? damn the religious right. damn the uber liberal. i swear.

what's the foreplay?
tomorrow, i lose my law school exam taking virginity.

some funny stories
1. the other night, a friend and i rode the t out to washington sq to meet some other chicas for beer and dinner. we had no idea where the bar was, so we ended up crossing the t tracks. as trains were coming in both directions. so we made a mad dash. and being caught up in the moment of almost certain remote death, we dashed across the traffic...when i suddenly had a falling sensation, like i was falling down a hole and/or my knee was giving out. one push and i was out, though, save for a slight pain in my knee. I FELL INTO A POTHOLE! running across traffic, I FELL IN A POTHOLE! my knee still feels sorta twingy.

2. a few weeks ago i ordered new contact lenses on the internet. i just had occasion to put them in the other day. i put one in, and you know sometimes when you first put one in, it takes a moment to settle so it's not like you can see all that well. after i put the first one in, i noticed some blurriness but decided to go put on some music. so i had one lens in, and i knew things looked weird. well, then i go back and put the other one in, blink a few times, and realize that EVERYTHING is fuzzy!! i could actually see better out of the eye that didn't have the contact lens, except now i had both lenses in so i could see ANYTHING! i promptly take them out of my eye, thinking, hmm...maybe these acuvue 2s are defective. then i look at the box. and i dig out an old lens...and realize my prescription is -2.75, not +2.75!!!! it was weird, i felt like i was underwater. so i dug out a super old pair of acuvue 1s, prescription -3.00. let's just say that i've resorted to wearing my glasses until my new shipment comes. the difference between the two acuvue versions is the thickness around the edge. those acuvue 1s feel like they're as thick as manhole covers! never mind that they're like 2 years old...

provincial
i am sipping cafe au lait as i write this. i love not having classes. but now i must leave and study. i can't get anything done at home, i don't know why.

digging up old pains
two years ago, i happened to have several people in my life who were first-year law students at nyu. i was just finishing up my graduate degree, and i had already realized that grad school was kind of easy. i was working, i was training, life had routine, life was pretty good. and then these 1Ls came into my life and kind of threw it all off. i'm realizing that's part of what is making this period of my life sort of painful, because that time ended up being kind of painful. i mean, two years ago new year's, i was blubbering drunk in a bathtub and ... well, long story but you could look up my old post if you want. so i'm a little stressed, but not too bad, but it's watching the people around me freak out that's sort of making it hard and hurtful. but now that i know this, hopefully i can put it in perspective. i'm not getting blown off because i suck, but because the other person is just freaking out. i just wish i could do something for them, but then i'm afraid they'll just take that kind of action as being annoying and distracting them from studying, so off i go into my own little corner, studying and living until this time passes. life is weird.

12-step program for guaranteed man problems...cont'd 2
1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation
8. have an ambiguous meeting
9. throw yourself at him some more.
10. compare yourself to other girls.
11. feel so very fat and unattractive.
12. move on.

the world off kilter
i purport that i am not stressed by finals. i think this is an unintentional lie. i am stressed. this is why i've been sleeping in front of my tv for the past two nights. this is why everyone seems annoying, and everyone seems annoyed at me. this is why sleeping until 11 seems like a mortal sin. i think everything is just off. people who are normally sane and friendly are suddenly insane and have fallen off the face of the earth. people who i thought were my friends a few weeks ago, before thanksgiving, are suddenly unfriendly, uninterested. i don't know. it's all insane. i'm starting to feel myself slip off the edge into that chasm of drivenness myself. hang on...

12-step program for guaranteed man problems...cont'd
1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation
...
8. have an ambiguous meeting
9. throw yourself at him some more.
10. compare yourself to other girls.

THIS is now where i'm at. insecurity. uncertainty. be so utterly predictable.

boozed up
i know alcohol is a depressant. and i had a lot of alcohol yesterday. so i should be depressed, and kind of hungover. and i'm both. actually, both set in last night and i haven't been able to shake it this morning. last night it was one of those nights where i had to fall asleep in front of the t.v. why am i depressed? probably for no good reason at all. who knows. i got to hang out with some new people yesterday. i wonder where all my self-confidence went. i used to wake up in the morning and be like, oh last night was so fun, remember when this happened and that happened, and i said that? now i'm like, ugh, why did i drink so much, i could have been studying and i bet this person thinks i'm an asshole because i did this and said that. where has all my self-confidence gone? i think i used to have some. in grad school? in new zealand? it's definitely dissipated this last year, whatever meager amount i had managed to acquire. did it disappear as i was pulling all those all nighters, watching itty bitty skinny somewhat pretty girls whore it up at the club? or maybe i used it to fight all those colds i had teaching the little ones how to kick and do forms, so they could get into good colleges? or maybe living with my parents for a year drained me of any ability to be happy and content and confident in what i have, because there is always something better, always something higher to reach for, more money to make, another milestone (like a husband) to achieve.

maybe it's just my lack of exercise talking. the swimming pool has been having some "chemical problems" and i haven't been swimming in weeks. sounds scary. i picture people in gas masks in there. i picture the poor person who found out the pool was having chemical problems covered in 2nd degree burns from head to toe. ick.

oh, and i tripped up the stairs at my t stop. fell on my hands. was mortified. managed to laugh and scurry on my way home.

cradle robbing everywhere i look!
demi and ashton. the mom and her grad student from jack and bobby. everywhere i look older women are getting with younger men. add to the pattern the teacher-student pairing from the abc show life as we know it. of course, the teacher, who is played by a woman my age, is sorta psycho jealous. and 16 is probably a wee bit too young.

but in this life as i know it ... i think i was stood up today. can someone be that dense? i gave it the old college/high school try. i just need to let go. because anything past this is desperation, and i don't have the excuse of leaving the country/time zone/zip code. 2.5 more years! good thing tomorrow is the last day of classes. and then i have nothing but finals to think about. aaaack! finals!

i wonder if i can find myself another distraction before the end of the semester ... heh heh.

the inevitable
it's happening. the depression is setting in. ok, let's not call it depression. i'm not really depressed, but i am sort of blue. i think it's more like being let down. i guess that's an accurate description of how i feel after i become interested in someone and that person does not seem to show interest in return. aaah, i was burned by a law student once. i didn't understand why things were so stressful after thanksgiving rolled by, but it all makes sense now.

do i ever learn from my mistakes? or am i like pavlov's dog, only my dog food is having my heart singed by peculiar boys?

i've been getting into jack & bobby. it's like the optimism of the west wing (oh to have a liberal president like bartlett) mixed with the drama of gilmore girls / the o.c. although i can only guess on that latter one because i have never actually watched a whole episode of the o.c. but grace, jack & bobby's mom, is starting a relationship with her grad student. oh scandal! oh hot! younger men are hot. at least on that show. younger men in real life ... tend to be more complicated and not as hot and assertive as grace's grad student. and by complicated, i usually mean dense. ahh, but a girl can dream.

i was sooo high school this weekend. left a gift in the boy's locker. guinness. imported from ireland. quebec imports it's guinness from ireland. yumm! how fortuitous. we had talked about this on tuesday last. so this was the "conversation" that ensued.

boy: uhh, thanks for the beer.
me: you're welcome.
boy: uhh...why'd you give me beer?
me: (blushing and feeling like a total moron explains in choppy, nervous sentences about how it's from quebec and how it's from ireland and how it's good and how i got drunk on the stuff one night.)
boy: oh.
(pause)
me: so how was your weekend?
boy: good. yours?
me: good. we came back early a day because my friend is in law school too and we wanted to study.
boy: oh.
(pause)
me: so n. gave me your combination...mumble...i'm not a psycho stalker...mumble...
boy: i figured.
(pause)
me: okay, well i gotta go.
boy: bye.
me: see ya.

so you might be thinking, boy this girl is stupid. can't she get the hint that he's not interested? maybe. or maybe the boy has no idea how to talk to girls. but do i want to play the forgiving game again? i need to take a break. this is going to be one long last week of classes, so maybe i should just focus on my academics. check.

the passport comes out again
i keep losing track of the original purpose of this blog, which was to document my travels. law school has seriously restricted my travels, both practically and financially, but this holiday weekend i was able to get away to quebec city with two friends. many people have asked why we went to quebec. because my family doesn't celebrate, and my friends are from LA, so it was impractical for them to go home. and why not quebec?!

quebec city was a good time. i totally felt like i was in franceland! if we hadn't driven there in my little ford focus, i would have thought we had flown to europe. we stayed in a hostel in the old part of the city, and the architecture totally was like a village in france. everyone greeted us with bonjours and ca vas and were completely cool when we couldn't get past the bonjour and had to speak english to us. we ate croissants and drank cafe au lait out of bowls. one day for lunch we had cheese and prosciutto and baguette and white wine. it was so provincial.

and cold.

we also shopped. aaah, i love non-american fashion! i love the exchange rate!

i was also saddened, however, by the realization that my focus has changed so much. in the recent past, when i'm on vacation or traveling, i am usually inspired -- to live, to love, to write, to dance. but this weekend, i felt shallow. i wanted to shop and drink coffee and lounge over the paper -- even if it was the canadian version of USA today -- and i didn't feel inspired AT ALL. in the back of my mind, i kept thinking about work and homework and outlining and studying and exams. meh.

new pet peeves
1. people who sniffle in the library
2. people who eat pistachios in the library
IT'S THE FREAKING LIBRARY, PEOPLE!!!!
3. people who don't reshelve their books at the library.
4. people who leave trash around like they're the king of siam.
5. people who think they're the king or queen of siam. oh wait, that's kind of an old one.
6. people who emanate stress.
...
given my growing negativity and decreasing compassion, should i really be friends with people who are the same? bitterness begets bitterness?

fear.
i'm afraid. of so many things. of leaving my wallet at home. of leaving my textbook at home. of losing my parents, of losing my friends, of losing my sanity, or what's left of it. but up there at the top of the list, i'm afraid of rejection. sure, yes, i know, everyone is. but the boy, everything about this situation reminds me so much of situations i've been in in the past, and i feel like the same thing is happening. that i'm going to be hurt, rejected, made a total fool. i wish i could be true to my intentions of being friends. it's not going so well. i wish i could be true to my intentions of not competing with another girl for some boy, but i don't think it's going to go so well once we get back from quebec. one more week of classes and then exams. ergh.

why am i so predictable? why do i do the same thing over and over again? is this just the true me manifesting itself, waiting for THE ONE to find his way into my life? the one who is so right that he can take my deepest idiosyncracies and love them instead of judging them as psycho? or are these idiosyncracies and patterns of behavior things i'm supposed to learn from? I don't know. i feel so lost. so far from god. so far from reality. so far from maturity, back in high school.

i want to ask him to lunch. next week, before beer. because more beer with more people might just be weird. but maybe what's weird is that i invited him to pre-thanksgiving dinner at my place and he declined. well, it's not so much he declined as he "took it under consideration" and then never responded to my other email. i knew he was declining, however. so in essence, he declined. anyways, what's with the antisocial behavior? is he at home writing a manifesto on why artest shouldn't be suspended for the entire season? on why a violent response to a provocation is okay? who knows. i just know my life is confusing, and i don't understand myself, and i'm going to stop trying and just go to quebec and enjoy my vacation and try not to care about how stupid i am/feel. i'm not dumb. i know i'm not dumb. there are definitely some things i'm very good at and smart about. i just ... law school really is like high school. all my insecurities have returned. resurfaced.

8 hours of drinking
4pm. that's what time i had my first beer yesterday. 12:30a.m. that's what time i got home this morning. i only had 5 or 6 beers, but i was hungover before i even went to bed, i think. so i had beers with the boy yesterday afternoon. it was kind of awkward because the bartender, this like 50- or 60-something man kept...implying that me and the boy should get together. i think. he kept talking about the importance of being with someone, how the boy never talks to women, how he never thought the boy could talk to women, etc etc. he also kept talking about everyone in his family who had cancer, so who knows.

this post has been edited to preserve my dignity.

happy thinksgiving, world! i'm off to the north pole (aka quebec city) for the holiday. we are eating turkey tonight. yumm! if that damn bird ever thaws...

postscript
just had a thought...worried now if i'm writing anything that could get me into trouble if ever any of my classmates stumbled onto this?

hungover
went to a friend's birthday party last night. heaps of gay men, and the rest of them were married or with dates. alas. but one good thing--you can be soooo forward with a gay man you think is hot, just strut up there and tell him, and instead of being freaked out, he will inevitably be flattered and want to put his arm around your shoulder.

the two hottest men at the party last night ended up taking a cab home together. for a minute, i thought it was my sexual fantasy. and then i got to the part in the fantasy where they started kissing each other instead of me and i realized, yeah, not so much.

have realized that i kind of have a crush on a girl at school, who was at the party. weird, i know, because i know i'm hetero, been through all the questioning and had ample opportunity to experiment and such (never did). but there's this girl who is really pretty--not dirty hot, just pretty--and really the sweetest thing and really smart and cool. i think i just really want to be friends with her, and i am misinterpreting those desires as the pangs of a crush. but basically what i'm doing at school is finding the people i think are cool and intentionally being friends with them and inviting them out. she's next.

so i brought a girl from school to the party last night. a 6'1" engineer who needs to eat like 18 sandwiches cuz damn is that girl skinny. turns out she is a saucy, dirty, little--but tall--vixen. she said things that made me blush and, well, let's just say i almost had a sexual fantasy of two guys doing it, so i'm not THAT prude. but in a moment of drunkenness, i blurted out to her that i have a crush on a guy she knows. turns out, so does she. but i wouldn't call it a crush. she just wants to fuck him till it hurts. i've never seen a girl talk about a guy and then make actual fucking motions with her arms...you know...back and forth...anyways. when i first told her, she started jumping up and down with her fists in front of her and yelled, i'll fight you for him! that was a new one. i thought, you might be 6'1", and I'm 5'9", but i bet i could still kick your ass. more importantly, i don't want to, though. i'm kind of bowing out...after tuesday. because before i found out about this girl's lusty desires, i kind of asked boy out for beer. just the two of us. i pretty much emailed him into a corner so he had no choice but to come (i won't take no for an answer, so just pick a time and place). but...this kind of makes me sick to my stomach, and it's not all related to the hangover. we girls, we gotta stick together. i'm not gonna let some weird but hot guy be a source of bitterness between me and her. am i going to tell her, though? no, because i'm afraid she really will throw down. and then i'd be THAT girl who was fighting another girl in the courtyard. at least i'd be THAT girl...who WON. heh heh.

12-step program for guaranteed man problems

1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation...

well here's where i'm at. it's amazingly difficult to "accidentally" run into people in this 17-floor towering inferno of legal academia, but it happens. and tonight, i had a really long conversation with my it-boy/crush du moment. some observations/results: he was kinda shocked when i told him i was 27 -- he thought i was "[his] age"; he talks surprisingly a lot considering how quiet he seems; he called himself an old man.

here is where i return to step 5: why is that every guy i have been with in the last few years, in addition to a lot of other things, has called himself an old man?!?!! what the hell is going on!??!

ahh well, a distraction and a project and something to keep me happy while doing my homework.

p.s. what do you think the chances are that you've been googled? i mean, i google EVERYONE, but EVERYONE does it. so what are the chances you've been googled.
p.p.s. so the thing at which i ran into the boy was an IP panel. i am now 100% certain that i don't want to go into IP; it was a small thought in the back of my head because of my physics degree and all that. but more relevantly, everytime someone talked about due diligence, i thought about my form of "due diligence". heh. if you don't get it, look at the "p.s." above...

insanity
i have been at school for 13 hours. i have been doing law related stuff pretty much the entire time. if it's not class, it's reviewing for class or sitting in a career development orientation on how to use online resources to find a job. the only highlight of my day was eating taco bell for the first time in about 4 months.

and i'm starting to become a one-hit wonder. i emailed the boy again. totally flirting. and now i'm freaking out because he hasn't emailed me in a few hours, as his pattern has indicated in the past. and how many points of proof do i have? TWO. i'm not scientist (well...kinda), but i know that's not a lot of data points. i just need to quit freaking out. but like i said, i'm a one-hit wonder, and this is what i do.

8 hours later
and i'm already at the library. i'm surprisingly not hung over. but i am kinda tired. on the t this morning, i saw a mail delivery person. a mailman, as he was male. at first i thought he was some punk college kid who had lifted some official usps uniforms, but upon closer inspection, he had everything usps ... the hat, the pants, the water bottle holder...even the bag full of mail! so he was taking the t to deliver his mail...while talking on his cell phone.

does it bother you how prevalent cell phones are? sure, they're handy when you're in the car and the car breaks down or you're lost and need directions or you and your friends are making plans to get together somewhere in the city. but isn't it kinda disconcerting to see on-duty police officers having a chat? or t drivers? or other civil servants who get paid with your (hypothetical) tax dollars taking person calls while on the job? it freaks me out.

it's almost 3:30 in the morning. i've been drinking. this is both the most drunk i've been and the latest i've been up since august, i think.
it was a weird night. let's just say it ended up being two girls, two guys, and me, at my apartment, playing nintendo. one of the guys and one of the girls totally paired off, and the other couple besides me were very very friendly, even though the girl was married. and we're playing mario party. like, i feel like a total dork even tho' i let them come over, even tho' my best friend invited them and then left after 10 minutes. and even though this guy i wanted to get overb last night, we emailed today and it obliterated any getting over of him last night. oh and there's like an inch of slushy snow on the ground. it's just all too much to handle.

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is this the earliest i've ever seen it snow?

i know i've complained many times about how ugly my school is.
let me give you a better sense of it ...
here is the view from school... 

here is the tower...
just picture it with balconies and strung out laundry
and it could easily pass as a communist apartment building... 

ramblings and revelations part the 47th
you should visit my friend at her blog.
a friend also referred me to this blog written by a pretty brave, sexy chic.

but enough about other women. onto me...
in recent weeks, i developed a crush on a boy at school, acted like i was 14 again, fell in love, planned my future, and had my heart broken. okay, not really, but my crushes get pretty intense. like my heart is 6 dates ahead of where the actual relationship is. tonight i had a chance to go out with the boy in a small group, drink some beer, get a buzz, share some dirt, put my hand on his arm. but did he show? nope. but i learned some stuff about him. let me sum it up:

HE IS EXACTLY LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS I HAVE BEEN WITH IN RECENT TIMES.

shall i explain? well, it goes beyond the age. it seems that every man i've been with my ENTIRE life has been in the range of 20-22 years old. it's just me that changes. when i was 18, i was with a 22 year old. when i was 25, i was with a 21 year old...followed shortly by a 20 year old. i'm 27 now and the first guy i have a crush on at high school...err, law school...he's 22. a pass-through. never lived on his own, just graduated from some little sheltered college in the middle of nowhere, i've never paid my own electricity bill and i'm going to live on pasta and bread for three years until i can afford pizza every night kind of guy. at least seemingly so. i'm not making a value judgment. i've been there too, but that was five years ago for me.

i can think of other guys who had a similar mentality. they liked me. they were attracted to me. but i played second fiddle to basketball, martial arts...even marijuana. maybe that was fun when i was 23. i'm 27 now, and i'm not exactly looking to settle down tomorrow, but i don't want to waste emotional energy on ... a void.

part of me is in mourning -- of course, to be expected, because that's the way my emotions run. part of me is freaked that i can unconsciously repeat behaviors with such predictability. part of me, the part that gets me into trouble, thinks i can be the girl to save him. of course i can't. i know that. i just gotta let that thought sink into my heart. it just takes a while to get down there.

jet-lagged ramblings
ok, i'm not really jet-lagged. i just think it's much more glamorous to call daylight savings jet-lag. so it feels like midnight but the clock says 11pm. here are my exhausted ramblings...
my neighbor upstairs is apparently constructing a treehouse, at least i think she is given all the banging going on. i'm over-tired and tonight i was sort of stupid-giggly at volleyball. think it had anything to do with the boy? yes, certainly. tonight may be my last night when i go to sleep with some hope, at least for the next four years. i'm hosting an election party tomorrow night, mostly as an excuse not to be alone as the results come in. but in reality, i'm convinced that we are not going to know who the next president is going to be tomorrow night. i'll still pop over to copley and have a shout and a cheer, or a tear and shoulder to cry on. do i love kerry? frankly, no. but yes, i just hate bush that much. it's time to give someone else a chance. it can't get worse, i say. and then law school. oh yes law school. i'm kind of freaking out. not in an incapacitated way, but definitely in an unhappy way. the work is freaking me out. the curve is freaking me out. the fact that it's turning into high school more and more every day is pissing me off...AND freaking me out. i was walking in our crowded locker room last week and as i was coming out of my aisle, this girl was coming down the middle aisle and we nearly bumped into each other. oh, sorry, i said. and what did she do? she looked at me like i got in her fucking way somehow, oh i'm sorry your prissy majesty should i have gotten out of your way because you think you're so hot and smart? blech. have i turned into a ball of negativity? sort of. am i unhappy? no, i guess not really. this beats the alternative, because i was downright more miserable when i was teaching taekwondo and working at the club. speaking of the club, my parents have decided to turn it into some sort of restaurant/bar. apparently, it's going to have a submarine theme. full on with an octopus on the wall. uhh....don't ask. i just don't know.

whatever happened to customer service?
i just called to activate a credit card and i swear the guy was either talking into the wrong end of the phone or out of the wrong end of his body. i could only understand every other word he said. like the rest of the words didn't come out of his throat. i think he's in the wrong profession. and then he wouldn't stop trying to sell me stuff, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but since (SINCE) I couldn't udnerstnad him, i was getting really annoyed because i was afriad i was going to end up buying life insurance i didn't want.

I WANT A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but do i have to wait until 2007?!?!?!!
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/10/27/biotechnology.cats/index.html

i'm excited because i'm allergic to cats and now (in 2007) be like every other single woman who lives in the city and get my companionship in a feline way. :)

depression
i'm feeling sort of blue. have been all week. it kicked in sometime this past weekend when i realized that my life was being consumed by something that is kind of unpleasant right now. (yes, law school.) if kerry doesn't win, i may have to go on prozac.

hordes of europeans can't be wrong
did you hear about the british paper (the guardian) who started a campaign to match brits with undecided voters in a county in ohio. the brits were asked to write letters compelling the voters to vote, though not necessarily for either candidate. americans may be compelled to say butt out. but i argue this: europeans are generally better informed about american politics than the average fox-watching american. and what do we send to the guardian in reply? threats! we are so sophisticated...

the tower of power
"so are we near your law school?"
"yeah. you gotta see it. it's the ugliest building in the world."
"you haven't been to moscow. you should see those."
"actually, it looks just like a communist era apartment building without the balconies and laundry...there it is."
"you're right. it is ugly!"

first in october
i can't believe this is my first post all month. i think about posting things but then by the time i sit down at the computer, i've forgotten what i wanted to say. but tonight, i come here in pain. i had NO idea that i was allergic to cantaloupe! well, i'm not certain that i am, but three or four times in a row, now, when i've eaten cantaloupe, my stomach has hurt a lot. sour is the word i'd like to use. i thought maybe it's an acidic thing but my friend says that orange juice is far more acidic, so he suggested that i'm allergic. ouch! i'm in quite a lot of discomfort right now. i don't ever remember having this type of reaction before.

this weekend i went apple picking in new hampshire. it was quite fun! made me feel one with the earth. and we decided to go north so we could see the leaves changing color. it's finally dawned on me that autumn is here. before this weekend, i was still waiting for that warm, nearly-80 degree day. no way, honey, no more of those until may! or june. or july.

i am cool

1. i had yellow galoshes in college and that was over five years ago. remember that when you see all the kids walking around in their galoshes, thinking they're all cool.

2. i saw a girl wearing a giant green wool hat and green mittens. that girl is gonna have the shock of her life in february.

3. i bought an 8-pack of paper towels at target the last time we went and i realized the other day, when i had a chance to finally use one of those rolls, that i picked a pack of inspirational ones. you know, like may peace be with you and god is good or something like that. now, i'm not against god. it's just that these things make me feel like laura bush. and i would kill myself if i was married to w.
(in response, my friend replied: And don't you feel sorta bad using your inspirational
paper towels to, oh, I don't know, mop up grease spills or clean up smashed bug guts?)


4. i got cold-called for the first real time in contracts today. and i was sooooo nervous! it was like as soon as he called my name the adrenaline kicked in. and lately, i've been having a hard time understanding class. something to do with offers. i just don't really get it.

hurricane jeanne
it is a dreary, rainy, hurricane depressiony kind of day, and pictures like this evoke an especially strong sense of insignificance in me. but it's tempered by a sense of awe that this gloriously beautiful universe and human life exist at all.

maybe this is just the scientist in me rueing the day i decided to go to law school.

WATCH THE DEBATE TOMORROW NIGHT. make fun of bush!

what i heard on npr this morning
npr had a story this morning about how women voters, who tend to vote democrat, are starting to vote for bush because they were especially struck by the violence in Russia, in the school, and think Bush can make us safer. "I have children and grandchildren all over the country and I want them to be safe." Or something to that effect, the woman said.

Do I have poor maternal instincts because I want to vote Democrat? Will I be a horrible mother because I don't care about my future children's safety? WELL MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO GIVE MY OFFSPRING A COUNTRY THEY CAN BE PROUD OF, IN WHICH THEY CAN SPEAK THEIR MINDS AND LIVE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT BEING PERSECUTED IF I, !!GASP!!, MARRY SOMEONE WITH A MUSLIM/MIDDLE-EASTERN SOUNDING SURNAME?!??!?!!?!!! I'm sorry if I don't want a president who's going to spoon feed us sugar and consumerism to make us feel like we're safe while he's shipping our soldiers off to another country to get killed for a war we shouldn't have gotten into in the first place!! sure, he can use his national guard "record" to claim he served his country, and he can use battleships as grounds for presidential grandstanding, but what the fuck does he really know about combat? i sure as hell know nothing, and i admit it.

all i know is that every time i am moved by pictures of families being reunited with their relatives who served/are serving in iraq. all i know is that there aren't enough of them.

GEORGE W: NEARLY THE WHOLE WORLD HATES US AND HAS QUESTIONED THE WAR. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK ETHNOCENTRIC SKULL THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG!??!?!!

if it's civic duty, it works
some friends and i took the bus home from cambridge last weekend and the bus driver totally ripped us off! we should have been able to catch a regular bus but it never came and this guy comes along and pretends it's a night owl bus, which is 60cents more expensive. but the driver charged us $2!! and he was quite rude to some passengers. we were so enraged we penned a collective e-complaint to the mbta and they responded within two days and said they were turning the matter over to the mbta police to investigate. we had to provide a description of the driver. it was kind of scary, the repercussions of our venting, but justice is justice. and, if you will, this is also like what happened when america was apathetic and stupid -- we ended up with an idiot as president. we must take action, and then accept the repercussions of our actions or inactions. GRR.

embarassing law moment #3
tonight, my facult advisor had us over for dessert. they live in this huge house in brookline that has to be worth millions. my advisor and his wife are older, sort of crunchy, definitely democrats, and really cool. i even showed up half an hour early because i was confused about the start time. anyways, i had to leave early because i had more dessert to eat with other people and i stood up and said, professor, thank you but i have to go. and he jokes, oh so you eat my dessert and run? and i said, yeah, we should do it again sometime! and he was like, oh yeah, we can... and then i was embarassed because i thought he thought i was inviting us over. and then i wanted to explain myself so i thought i'd use sarcasm. "yeah, i'm just going to start inviting myself over to your house." there was an awkard pause ... a moment during which he considered whether i was joking ... a moment during which i realized i had inserted my foot further down my gullet... ahh, law school is off to an auspicious beginning!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://exonent.com/images/kai

N...O...P...Q...R...S...
T. I hate the T. It is a slow, inefficient way to get around town. Actually, when it runs well, it runs really well. But when the undergrads are here, it's crowded and slow. Above ground, where there aren't turnstiles, you have to pay only when going in-bound towards downtown, which is the direction I live. Only the front door of each car opens, because that's where the driver monitors that every person pays. Well, if you enter through the front, you tend to stay in the front, and the rear tends to be empty. So if the front is crowded, the driver sometimes won't let you on because there seems to be no room. But inevitably, the rear is empty and no matter how much the driver reprimands the passengers to move to the back, everyone looks around like he or she is excluded from that request. I was turned away from a T yesterday that was nearly empty and it took me 45 minutes to get home. That ain't right!

This city will never be like NY. In NY, they just pack the people on. Of course, this means I've also been more intimate with strangers on the subway than I have with guys I've dated. (Have I dated? I guess that's irrelevant to this rant.) Maybe this city doesn't want to be like NY, but my point is that it never COULD be.

In other news, did you know that the US has a cricket team and it played Australia at the Rose Bowl the other day? here is a story from the BBC as proof. Umm...Didn't we have the revolutionary war so we wouldn't have to play cricket and have tea as our national beverage and pretty much just disavow all things British? Is it any surprise then that the US team is getting whomped by everyone? And are American cricket players failed MLB players? who knows. I don't have time to investigate. I have to study.

t.v. junkie
i miss the csi marathon.

misc
end of week 2. friday never looked so good. it's not that the homework is so hard. it's just i dedicate a lot of time to school whereas i'd rather dedicate it to, say, watching CSI. Spike TV is having a Best Of marathon all week. ALL WEEK! Everytime I turn on the tv, CSI is on. I don't think it's a best of marathon; it's an ALL OF marathon. Not that I'm complaining. So law school isn't that bad. It's just an adjustment from my previous life of working four hours a day and weekends. Things that freak me out: talking in class (still haven't really been called on yet) and the forced curve. I hate curves. I hate competing with my classmates.

and boston is truly truly overrun with undergrads. they are everywhere, like a bad rash (or poison ivy!). and to make things worse, sometimes i take the T with schoolkids. THEY ARE SO LOUD, louder than the undergrads, and to some extent less annoying.

last weekend i locked myself out of my apartment. i was kinda tired and grabbed my car keys and when i went to close the door, i realized, oops, i can't drive my door. it cost mer $109 to get the door opened. then yesterday, i wanted to come home before my writing seminar in the evening. when i got off the T at my stop, i realized that my keys were back in my locker at school. and the day before that, after my swim class, i went back to the law building to realize that i had left my add/drop form and my nalgene bottle back in the locker room.

moral of the story: thank goodness i have an unlimited t pass!

dumb law school moment #2
man o man ... today, i raised my hand, opened my mouth, and out came gibberish, i thought the class was collectively making a mental note about the dumb asian girl in the back and the professor was so embarassed for me he quickly moved to the next person without even barely acknowledging the words i had uttered.

yesterday, i COMPLETELY misunderstood a case. so far as to get the court's decision wrong, which is probably the easiest part of briefing a case. thankfully i didn't make any mistakes out loud.

no time!
i'm already drowning in law school homework!!!! AUGH! but the thing that's bugging me to tears is poison ivy. it's EVERYWHERE on me. it's not like disgusting to look at but it itches like MAD. OH I JUST WANT TO SCRATCH ALL MY SKIN OFF!!!!! AUGH HELP ME!

election year tactics

from the new york times:
U.S. REPORT, IN SHIFT, TURNS FOCUS TO GREENHOUSE GASES
In a striking shift in the way the Bush administration has portrayed thescience of climate change, a new report to Congress focuses on federalresearch indicating that emissions of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases are the only likely explanation for global warming over thelast three decades.

In delivering the report to Congress yesterday, an administration official,Dr. James R Mahoney, said it reflected "the best possible scientificinformation" on climate change. Previously, President Bush and otherofficials had emphasized uncertainties in understanding the causes andconsequences of warming as a reason for rejecting binding restrictions onheat-trapping gases.

we know this is all because bush is trying to get re-elected and he has proven himself to have no qualms about backing out of campaign promises.

first black tie wedding: check
i'm back from the wedding. got back today and decided to ditch the minority orientation program. i just didn't want to wake up at 5am so i could drive four house to meet a bunch of asians. and as my friend put it, i enjoyed the wedding fully -- mainly by consuming wine to my heart's content. as it was, i woke up kind of hung over and had this like really compact dense period of stupidness. i was at the bagel store and within five minutes i dropped my orange juice, royally screwed up my order, spilled coffee on myself, and forgot to put my car in gear when i was driving away. i'm lucky i didn't hit something with my car.

anyways, the wedding was FABULOUS! i had such a great time. i cried when my friend walked down the aisle, because there's just so much history in the friendship. i've known him a long time, went to his bar mitzvah, at which the guests were given ankle socks to dance in. no such thing last night. (and no champagne bottle full of fake m&m's either...) but it really was, as the rabbi said, this culmination of years of growth coming together for that exact moment of marriage, of their blessed union, of a lifetime of growth together. i think it was especially more striking because i had known the groom for so long, so when the rabbi talked about growth, i could think back to seventh grade, when his hair was frizzier and he was just a kid. aww. :)

tomorrow i start orientation, though it's only optional. volunteer day. i think i'm going to weed or something. i'm not even sure to be honest. and i'm REALLY nervous about school. i went with my friend to bc to buy his books ($554.96) and i started freaking out. those books are big, expensive and really BORING looking. what the hell have i gotten myself into?!

so tired of driving
i hate driving. and the one between ny and boston is particularly tedious. probably because it's about 4 hours long. less than three and i can do it without stopping. four and i usually need a nap and a feeding. anyhow, i'm on my way back to jersey for august wedding #2 of 3. yeay for love and marriage!!

hello world
ok. i can finally sit down and breathe for a little while. i've been sort of out of the blogging world because my apartment is a mess, i haven't had an internet connection, and for five days i was in the (sort of) wilds of maine. but i'm back from a lovely trip to acadia national park and bar harbor, my dsl is on, and my apartment is starting to come together. whooppee!

two weeks until classes start, one week until orientation. in the meantime, i've got about 12 more boxes and one ikea trip standing between me and a complete apartment. come and visit!

oh, and in the rest of my spare time, i am ADDICTED to the olympics! go usa! go iraqi soccer team!

moving sucks
there ain't no way around it. moving is tiring, sweaty, dusty and annoying. i'm too tired to even make a post. tomorrow: wedding 1 of 3 in august. yeay!

righteous indignation
today has been a day of not speaking up enough.  in the first incident, i stopped for lunch at quizno's to enjoy a yummy grilled sandwich.  i love quizno's.  i fell in love with quizno's in college, as there was one in town.  but i digress.  when i got there there were two people in front of me in line.  the first guy was taking a long time to order.  i couldn't hear what they were talking about but i think he was just really particular about his order.  i got kind of annoyed, but it was only a minute.  not long to wait, but something one is unaccustomed to in a fast-food type situation.  when the same guy went to pay, the cashier, who i think was also the manager, asked for 99 cents more because the sandwich somehow required "extra meat".  the customer was kind of making a fuss, not understanding why he was being charged extra.  but the cashier dude was really obnoxious.  he was essentially loudly berating the customer in front of a crowded store.  do you want the sandwich?  no?  then he took it away and put it behind him and the customer was confused because he did want the sandwich.  i felt sooooo bad for him because he was really being embarassed.  it only occured to me later as i was "enjoying" my own lunch at a table next to this customer that i should have gone up to the cashier and asked him if it brought him satisfaction to embarass this guy in front of the whole store.  because that's essentially what he was doing.  he wasn't trying to make a point that the customer was mistaken or anything.  the cashier just wanted to belittle the guy, and what the fuck is that about?

in situation number two, i went to ikea.  during the checkout, i was wrapping some glass items i bought in plastic so i wasn't supervising the cashier.  but i did notice him ask the people behind me if we were together.  we weren't.  when he told me the total, i thought it was a little high but didn't say anything because i can easily go into stores like ikea and target and spend more than i intended.  but after i paid, as i was walking away, i looked at the receipt and noticed some items that really didn't seem like mine because they were more expensive than anything i had bought.  after taking inventory, i realized that they really weren't mine, so i went back to the cashier and asked him about the items.  he looked and within a few seconds explained that they were items of the customers behind me.  he finished the transaction he was in the middle of, then asked me if i could wait five minutes while he rang up the next few customers in line.  i said no.  first of all, when was he going to stop and take care of me if the whole concept of checkout lines is that when one person is finished, another usually takes his place.  second of all, it wasn't my mistake, i wasn't making an unnecessary fuss so i refused to wait.  all i said, though, was no, i want to go home.  but do you realize what happened?  this guy scanned two items that were on the conveyor belt, asked the two guys if we were together, they said no, didn't cancel the items on my receipt, and then scanned the items again so the people behind me could pay for them!!  and how do i know this, because i asked if i had paid for their stuff and he said no.  so after taking my credit card, he turned around scanned the exact same items again and was going to let me walk out paying $50 more for stuff that i never bought.  i mean, really, what nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!! it isn't THAT difficult to void an item or two.  i know because i've worked at target as a cashier and it's just a few keystrokes.  he just thought i wasn't going to notice or something?! grr!

more politics
just watched clinton's speech at the democratic national convention.  he was far less slimy than i remember him being when i watched one of his state of the union addresses.  but then on the news, the reporter said that george w. bush "scraped his knee" after falling off his bike at his ranch.  two things.  one: yet again, bush is at his ranch.  b: isn't this the second time he's fallen off his bike?!  do we really want a guy who can't ride a freaking bicycle to be president?!!??!!! 

speaking of bicycles, i just bought a new one today (with help from dad, thanks!).  i was really interested in the trek navigator 300 because it rides so smoothly and comfortably.  but a guy at another bike shop said, uhh, well, i usually sell those to "older" customers.  you're young, he continued, so i went with a more rugged bike.  today, when i went to pick my lovely shiny new blue bike up, there was an "older" woman picking up her navigator 300 from a tune-up...

 

a moment in history
is this a turning point in american politics, where people are no longer disillusioned or apathetic?  here's an article in the new york times about politics dividing familes and igniting lunch counters everywhere (or at least in new jersey).  will this result in a higher voter turnout?  not in my family, because i'm going to do everything in my power to keep my parents from voting for the first time in their lives.  because they want to vote for bush.  i know, i'm evil. 

e-bola
i woke up this morning with the aches and pains of someone with the flu.  i think i have e-bola, or maybe it's motaba.  either way, today was one of the hardest days of my life, as i still had to do 6 hours of day camp with 6 crazy kids, one of which was snotnosed and gave me this disease.  oooh tomorrow is friday and i am so joyful!

grass is greener part the 4th
i can't wait until i have nothing dramatic to talk about in my life.  no crap from work, no crap from my family.  just the mundane study stuff of law school.  HA!  fat chance. 

today, my boss' brother-in-law passed away after a long illness.  i feel badly, but for me, this meant having to teach some afternoon classes, after a long day of daycamp.  thankfully, the kids were remarkably well-behaved.  it made my heart hurt.  i love how excited the little kids get about learning taekwondo. 

so i missed sleepaway camp.  it finished this past saturday.  but a friend who worked for a week told me a story of a little girl named taylor.  she's a lovely, sweet girl, but has some emotional issues.  she started coming about 3 or 4 years ago, when i was still a lifeguard.  taylor absolutely hated the water.  she was petrified of it, actually.  if took all summer to get her just to jump into the water, and as soon as she did she somehow managed to paddle so hard as to levitate herself right back out.  last summer, i remember her being able to talk herself into the lake.  it was totally mind-over-matter.  the fish will go away as soon as you jump in, scared by the splash, and will leave you alone if you keep moving.  these were the lies we gave the girls to get them to swim.  just like water snakes won't bite you in the water because they'll drown if they open their mouths.  anyways, my friend told me that this summer, taylor was talking other girls into the water, telling them the same encouragements we told her.  my heart burst with love as soon as i heard the story.  it's for moments like that that i love camp so much, although they get lost in all the bullshit and drama of 50 girls stuck in the woods together. 

...but who's counting?
two down, three to go -- taekwondo day camp.
one and a half down, one and a half to go -- day camp in general.
four -- nights left to work at the club.

tub o lard
i think i'm getting back into some bad habits, like the ones i had before i went on my trip to new zealand in march.  i'm eating a lot, watching a lot of tv, eating a lot, spending money, being anti-social.  it's really gross.  i put on a lot of weight before i went on holiday, and i was also really depressed.  there's just a lot of shit getting to me right now, i think.  in the winter, i was really run down from working six or seven days a week, and sick all the time from the germs from the kids.  now i'm a bit stressed from my upcoming move, slightly financially stressed, and my parents are putting me in the middle of their manipulative games again.  and all this working for some reason day camp is sooo much more tiring than sleepaway.  maybe because at sleepaway camp i had the support and pleasure of some really good friends and being in the woods.  here, it's hot, humid and gross.  blech.
 

so tired
i've been getting up at 6:30 am every day this week to get to day camp in time to prepare and set-up.  i almost feel like i'm jet-lagged.  and i just took a little nap and i feel great but it was literally for like 5 minutes! argh!
 

BLEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH
this has been an absolutely horrible day. i got a speeding ticket on the way to daycamp, even tho' i was TOTALLY going with the flow of traffic. two incidents of public embarassemnt: i tripped up the escalator at the mall and it took me three times to parallel park at the post office -- it was really really bad. and then i overdrew my checking account. man, what a waste of money. i'm going to take a nap and pretend that when i wake up, it's a new day.

calves
i learned something from my master at practice on tuesday night. he was saying that all the good taekwondo guys have giant calves. their thighs might be small, but their calves are ginormous because every motion in taekwondo depends on the calf, even just standing still practically, because you should always be loaded, and to be loaded, your knee is bent, flexing the calf.

so in short, taekwondo isn't going to make my calves any smaller, but at least it means i *could* be good at taekwondo.

reading is so informative
from time magazine, two new useful links.
mobissimo.com: billed as the google for travel searches. nothing to download!
lobels.com: buy grass-fed, hormone free beef ... by the whole and half steers...

here's another one, just for fun. i went to the museum of anthropology at the university of british columbia. it was really cool. they had all these totems inside and out. i met this amazing woman anne who probably has one of my fantasy jobs, teaching about native american/first people culture to schoolchildren. she just travels around and teaches. something did strike me about the artifacts in the museum, though. most of the oldest items were in the hundreds of years old range. many were made by people in my lifetime. it's not at all like europe. like when my best friend went to italy and was standing in a building built in 46 a.d. or something and that same day i had taken a tour of new zealand's parliament, which was built in the late 1800's but burnt down and was recently refurbished.  

a modest review
so i finished the rule of four. it took me only a few days, and i read a large part of it while hungover. here's my review: it's not nearly as exciting and fascinating as the davinci code. the dan brown book was based in a lot more popular stuff, like the mona lisa, and the louvre, than the rule of four, which is based primarily on one obscure text. but the rule of four is written a lot better. it treats the reader more intelligently and it doesn't read as much like a movie script. there is some sentimental stuff as the narrator is involved in this true love relationship with some girl, but otherwise, i thoroughly enjoyed it. so go have 4 gin&tonics, a shot of whiskey, some sake, some guinness, get a hangover, and read it yourself.

iraq
a friend of a friend i knew once upon a time, and spent a great new year's with, is in iraq with the 2nd Brigade Combat Team of the 2nd Infantry Division. this is the second person i know who's fighting in Iraq. be safe, chris.

the i'm hungover and have done nothing all day except pack one box post
just saw a preview for the remake of the manchurian candidate with denzel washington. as far as i can tell, some corporation brainwashes the president to create the first privately owned president. who needs brainwashing to get the president into the pockets of corporate america?! we've got george w. bush!

weird 2nd life
my lease for my apartment in boston starts on the 15th, and i've just ordered phone service for it. i feel really weird that all this is going on, it's like my alter ego, my other life, where my other husband and other family lives. ok, not really.

a good read
last summer it was the davinci code. this summer, it's the rule of four. read it.

okay, one more for the road.
a few months ago, i was drying my hair, and got this round plastic brush caught in my hair. it took me ten minutes to get the thing untangled. the funny thing is i did it again a few days later, and here is the result. it was far worse, took nearly half an hour to remove, and i think i was a little late meeting a friend.
i think i've solved the problem by buying a round brush with more natural bristles. yeay posting photos is fun!
 

like this photo, of a view during the aforementioned hike. the hike was mostly through lots of trees, but then every once in a while you'd come into a clearing and get great views of the valleys, and there was lots and lots of water. and there was even snow!
 

i did a hike on my own when i was in whistler. 7 hours round trip, and my reward was stunning views and this amazing place, rainbow lake, where i had a nice lunch and lounged.

i'll periodically be posting photos of my trip and some other stuff, since i just got some film developed and my scanner hasn't been fully taken advantage of.

i am a reptile
i think i molt and get a new skin every year. for the second summer in a row, that i've noticed, all the skin on my fingers is seemingly peeling off. it happened last summer i remember, at about the start of camp, which is now. maybe i'm a reptile. if i'm getting a new skin because i'm growing bigger, i hope i'm growing up not out. unless it's my boobs.

it's weird not to be at camp.

political note
john of the mccain variety would have been better, but he's too sissy to cross party lines and would rather have himself firmly planted in george w's arse. but i'm fully into john of the edwards. a daring and bold move. not stodgy and predictable like gephardt would have been. this campaign could have a chance. now let's all go vote! well, not NOW.

hot sweaty observation
my parents' house comes with a central air system ... that we never use and that works like shit anyways. so this is a hot sweaty observation: i LOVE c.s.i. the tv show, but david caruso is such a bad actor! i mean, he's got the vocal swagger of a guy with baggy pants sitting super low and far back in a tricked out sports car who pulls up next to you at a traffic light and winks at you.

happy 4th of july
i got to see the macy's fireworks from the nj turnpike, as they coincided with my drive into the city. they made me cry. the combination of all the stuff going on in the world compounded by the loneliness i feel whenever i go to work at the club.

i got to watch the return of the king on dvd today. i'd already seen it in theatres but it was fun to see it again and to be able to skip over the parts that annoyed me (e.g. most of the scenes where sam and frodo cry and depend on each other for support). i think i have figured out why the movies strike such a chord in me. and it's more than just the captivating story of good vs. evil, orlando bloom's eyes, or my affinity for new zealand, where the films were filmed. i think it's my awareness of how extraordinary a thing it was for peter jackson to make all three films at once, and the incredible camaraderie that must have been created because of it. i mean, the story focuses on a fellowship, and that was created in real life. so this movie makes me enjoy it on two planes, one in the movie, one on the outside. so it's this compounded movie-going experience. capish?

happy 4th
may i be the first to wish it to you, since it's 6am...and i'm off to bed soon.

a few observations.
*my mom pointed out to me one of the advantages of working with koreans instead of chinese people, as she did in her past life as a restaurateur. koreans, because of the strong class delineations in their culture, are incredibly obedient when you tell them to do stuff, or you are reprimanding them. they just nod and say yes, and when you are yelling at them, they don't look you in the eye because they are so embarassed. however, she's also told me stories of how much they talk about each other behind their backs, and all the backstabbing...personally i'd rather have someone tell me they hate me to my face, because then i get a chance to deck 'em.

*my parents' european vacation was good for their relationship, i think. last night during dinner, after my mom and i went to the gap to hit their sale, where my mom bought me clothes for the first time in AGES -- you know, with her actually being there and stuff -- and we bought these matching skirts. my mom was telling my dad about it and my dad had said previously that he liked that skirt and that my mom should buy it. she wouldn't at full price, though. the reason my dad liked it: it reminded him of this red dress she used to have when they first got married. everybody now: aww! well, this is a big deal for my parents. it's not like it's the arctic in their bedroom. it's just that most of the time, they don't even sleep in the same room!

hot and humid
it was kind of depressing walking out of newark airport today to be smacked in the face by humid air. and it wasn't even that hot! actually, the depression started earlier. flying out of seattle, we passed over amazing mountains, with the peaks of mt. hood, mt. rainier and mt. st. helens in the distance. pulling into new jersey, as the pilot put it, we were treated to a great view of industrial newark. boo hoo.

ok ok yes it's not so bad in jersey. but i really truly did love the pacific northwest. i don't really want to be rich, but it'd be nice to be blessed with a condo in whistler. heh heh.

one month and counting till i officially take residence in boston 02115!

:(
my heart is a little sad today.

oh yeah
enough about stupid boys. what this blog is really about: my travels! did i say that i love whistler?! i do. it's stupendous.

saturday i did a 7 hour hike up to rainbow lake and back. and boy are my arms tired. for a lot of the hike, it was a steady climb. straight up. it wasn't so bad. coming down was a pain, literally, in my knees. in total, 19km. that's over ten miles. you do the math.

that evening, i had a sauna with a very nice girl i met at the Hosteling International facility in Whistler. Nikki is her name, and she's from England, on a 2.5 week holiday in Canadia. She was soooo nice. So this hostel sits right on the shore of alta lake. you can canoe, kayak, and mountain bike, all using the hostel's equipment. and it has a sauna! it was so cute.

but last night, as i was trying to go to bed so i could get up at 7 and check out and go rafting, these ESL students from vancouver were causing QUITE the ruckus, screaming, shouting in broken english, in korean, japanese and mexican. finally, at 2 or 3 am, i had enough and i went down and yelled at them. even tho' one of the girls was my roommate who was very nice and is from south korea and we swapped email addresses. oh stupid alcohol. so this girl from south korea, she said that you can't get a job if you're a fat girl. and their standards for fat are obscene. i can't believe it. well, i guess i can. i work with a lot of koreans...

thursday night i stayed at the HI in Vancouver, jericho beach. my bunkmate was this lovely lady Anne. I think I already wrote about her and the Native American thing. I did go to the museum of anthropology, and it was incredibly fascinating. but it struck me that so much of the history in the museum was created during my lifetime. i made the same observation in new zealand, too. does this reflect the way europeans like to museumize things? i mean, it's not because indigenous people lacked cultures before europeans showed up. i just found it interesting. i mean, the met wouldn't put a painting/sculpture in made by someone in the 80's, right? that's just what i mean.

alright, i'm exhausted. off to bed.

obsess with a capital o
during my last week in new zealand in march, i was driving around the country obsessing. about who said what and how, about a possible mistake even though it was such a healthy decision at the time. i'm kind of doing it again, only this time it's sad and it's closure.

so let me be direct. one of my guides on one of the many cool trips i took in new zealand is in canada rafting for the northern hemisphere summer. he said, if you're in the area, stop in. it turned out that my parents offered me a plane ticket to LA and in lieu of going there for reunion, which no one i knew was attending, i came here to seattle instead. i have friends here i love and who i haven't seen in a long time, and he was nearby so i thought, handy.

yeah, there was wah, i think. but i kind of shut down the wah because...well, for a lot of reasons ranging from the healthy (i knew getting involved would just make me crazy in the end) to not-so-healthy (i have this weird thing where i turn down perfectly nice people who ask me out...and then proceed to throw myself at them). well, we made arrangements for me to come, he even offered accomodation, but was tenting it at the rafting headquarters himself, but said i could join. that was several weeks ago. well, he disappeared off the email for nearly all of may, and then three weeks ago, i emailed him after he reappeared, to say, hey, can i stay with you after all? nothing. then the night before i left, the weekend before i was due in canuck-land, i sent another email. nothing. tuesday was my deadline, and i didn't hear anything from him, so i just said, screw it. i went to vancouver, went to whistler -- which i LOVED by the way. ooh it was so glorious there. i did this 7 hour hike up to this lake. it was a killer. and there was so much i haven't done. ride the gondola to the mountain, bike, watch the bikers at the bike park try and hurl themselves in all sorts of impossibly unhealthy trajectories. and this is just in the summer! there's the whole winter skiing scene, too! well, my little heart had been so set on going rafting with this dude that the thought of not going was kind of sad. so when i saw these rafters in the parking lot near the visitor center, i said, well hell, and went up to them and talked to them a wee bit. the next day, saturday, i booked a trip for today, sunday. and off i went to squamish to the c3 ranch to go rafting.

and that's how i found myself on the elaho river, in gritty glacial water at a brisk 6 degrees centigrade, clad in neoprene from neck to toes, (and wetsuits are none too flattering, mind you), face to sort of face with HIM. actually, i first noticed him as we pulled into the launch site. there's this full-size school bus -- we were riding the short bus ha ha ha ha ha! -- and he's on the rig in the back, adjusting straps. EEK! i said to myself. and i suddenly needed to look down and fix my booties.

i knew that running into him was a remote possibility. i mean, there were six rafting companies in the squamish-whistler area working three rivers, and the season hasn't really picked up yet. i intentionally picked one i DIDN'T think he worked for. but besides c3 running one raft of six, there was only one other raft on the river. from HIS company. and he was there as safety kayaker. so we manage to launch separately, since they were using our preferred launch we went a little downstream. they went ahead, we stayed behind. i thought all was good. i really really didn't want to see him and have to explain, uhh, yeah i'm not stalking you. but then...i didn't anticipate the JUMP.

it seems that good rafting trips all share some common features. one, you have to drive down dusty, bumpy logging roads to get to them. two, all guides are full of shit and like to fool clients with stupid stories of tree penguins and orcas swimming up glacial rivers to feed on seals that feed on salmon. and three, they mostly involve jumping off cliffs at some point. and there are rafts met, backed up at the jump. i am seriously laughing now at how hard i tried not to catch his eye. looking down, looking up, looking away, using the thin shaft of my paddle to hide behind. i figured the neoprene, helmet and giant lifejacket were pretty good camoflouge too. (i mean, i look like a whale in the getup. or is it an orca?)

i did the jump. a measly 15 feet, which is nothing after the 30-foot jump i did on the buller in new zealand. but while we were executing our acts of bravado (me and this other woman were the only ones to do it. we were also the ones sitting in the back, the dryest of the lot as everyone else in the front had already gotten drenched by the giant waves), the other raft went far far ahead. the last i saw of them, they were huddled on the beach eating their lunch. and HE, well, he had paddled down a little farther to pick up this piece of flotsam, so the last i saw of him HE was walking upriver with this twin mattress sized piece of foam bobbing up and down on top of his head.

i've been wracked with thoughts of, why didn't i just say hi? like i said, two people who met on the other side of the world, somewhat coincidentally on the same lonesome piece of river. couldn't i have put everything aside? no, i realize. because this trip wasn't about him. if anything, at some point, this trip became about forgetting him because he's an ass for not checking his email, not remember my visit, or intentionally blowing me off, if i must assume the worse. and just because he's a kiwi, rafts, kayaks, climbs, has a sweet accent, and is pretty cool, doesn't make it ok. he's still an ass! so this is closure. in a way. the best closure would be if he emailed me and i got to reject him by not writing back. but that's petty.

really, though, i'm excited about moving to boston. and lately, i've been contemplating giving this whole dating thing a try. i mean, really opening myself up to the risk. and i think getting this guy out of my system was like the last thing i needed. i don't want to be too grown up though. but i don't want to be reckless and frivolous and self-preserving, all at the same time, with my crushes and emotions. and i do this by liking/obsessing over IMPOSSIBLE men.

i'm scared. i'm really truly scared. of the amount of studying i'm going to have to do, of the amount of responsibility i'm looking for with my career goals, of not being able to run away when i fuck things up, and of not fucking things up nearly on purpose before i run away.

so that's that. are you still reading this, kev? :)

back in the W A
i've made it back to seattle, after minor hassles at the border. the guard asked me where i was from and i sheepishly said new jersey, as i always do because i'm kind of embarrassed to be from the toxic state, and he said, turn of your car and give me your keys. eek! ok! don't send me to prison! he then inspected my trunk and asked a few questions about where i had been, where i was going, etc. and then he let me go. he was nice, but that, turn off your car and give me your keys was very sudden and startling.

so ... four more days in seattle and then i go home for my last month of life before boston. it'll be a crazy month, lots of working and packing and anticipating. today, in preparation for my new life, i officially let go of my old one. let's just say that i was within two yards of a guy i met halfway around the world and i pretended i didn't see him. and it's not like we were in a crowded mall. we were on this desolate, freezing river, on separate vessels, but within yards of each other. oh this is nutty. good bye crazy, transient traveler me. hello somewhat stable me, who is embracing a life of good works! hopefully...

corrections
in yesterday's post from vancouver, the author mistakenly identified the day as canada day. in fact, canada day is july first. there is no obvious explanation for the shops staying open late on thurdsay. the staff of aspiring expat would like to apologize for any inconveniences this error may have caused.

i'm in whistler! wow it's gorgeous! i stopped in squamish to stop for gas but otherwsie got the hell out of dodge because the world is smaller than you think. (i may still go rafting, tho, because my heart is sort of set on rafting.) whistler is amazing. just driving into town, with the mountains in the distance, and this hostel is right on alta lake, like something out of dirty dancing. i went canoeing today, it was kind of hairy but we're alive and i'm eating couscous and drinking wine. tomorrow i think i'm going to hike this rainbow lake trail, which i hear is kind of hairy too, and there are bears in the woods, so if i don't post within the next few days, please raise some alarms.

do i have to come home?

my dad just called for advice on how to use our computer system. he's so cute! do i feel bad that he has to work for me? not really, but i probably will once the buzz from the yellow tail wears off.

on the road again
i'm in vancouver! it's kind of disappointing. the city was desolate and at times kind of creepy. and then when i crossed the border into canada from washington, one of the first things i saw was a strip mall with a pier 1 imports. i don't know why i was expecting more from our very close neighbor to the north, but something different from america, this being the commonwealth and all.

and i think today is canada day. i'm not really sure what that means but there was a lot of traffic leaving canada this afternoon and all the shops stayed open late. and i think tomorrow is a holiday. isn't it funny that on a national holiday here, the shops stay open late, whereas back home, they close early?

tomorrow i'm off to whistler. i think the nature will do me good, though it's probably going to be as commercial and depressing as vancouver is, since whistler is a chi-chi ski resort and all. oh well. here's to fresh air. i've booked a bed at the hostel but then i realized, what the fuck am i lugging my tent all around the country and then some for?

canada?
i hate boys.

but maybe this is along the same vein as my i hate koreans kick. it's not the boys i hate. it's me. and how i am with boys. right....let's not generalize.

p.s. seattle is great. the weather is phenomenal. but hot. and there is like NO air conditioning whatsoever so my ass gets all sweaty when i'm having lunch somewhere and it's 85 degrees outside. it's not so bad, but i guess i just want to be spoiled since i'm on vacation and since before i left, it was like 90 degrees and 100% humidity at home.

my friend's apartment is neat. they have a little balcony and from almost all their windows you can see lake washington. and the gasworks. and it's only 2 blocks down to the water. yesterday i was hanging out in the university district. i had to go to the post office to mail some keys back home since i accidentally took a set with me that my parents are going to need this weekend. and then i just walked around and browsed in stores, had coffee and read a lot. i read my book, i read books in bookstores, i browsed through used bookstores. it was all thoroughly enjoyable. today i am going to visit a friend who works in a cafe down in pioneer square. this is hap, taking the bus. yeay!

bon voyage yet again thank god
what a stressful two weeks. i never want to be my parents. and i mean that on so many levels. i'm about to leave for the city, for work, for my last night at the club for two weeks. i leave straight from there for newark airport for seattle and maybe canada next weekend. things are so up in the air, but at least one thing is certain: tonight is my last night at the club for two weeks!

oh so last night, before we even opened, while we were still setting up, the hooch who had her purse stolen and her two idiotic sidekicks came by. she wanted to see our business permit because she wanted to sue us. this wouldn't have happened if you had just paid us that night, you know. well whatever bitch you wanted $3000 and i wasn't going to give it to you, even if i did have it! see you in court. oh so cute. see you in hell cunt.

i am so irate, still, over this. ok, i'm supressing every urge to say condescending things about koreans. actually, i know this has nothing to do with being korean, it's just that this girl is a hooch who thinks she's so smart and cool whereas actually that night i was running circles around her. there was nothing i could do, she wouldn't flat out say she wanted the money, and then she called the cops. uhh, okay whatever.

but there is one thing about koreans. there are like some serious rituals/protocols/traditions when it comes to drinking. you don't pour your own drink, for one. and last night i found out that as a woman i have to hold my glass with two hands when i'm clinking. part of me subconsciously knew this, but it was almost six am, and i was being put on the spot as one of the waiters was introducing me to this guy who, every time he comes in, drops nearly a grand, if not more. i know i've seen him drop a few grand. and i was put on the spot because i didn't want to let the waiter have any more beer so he, the waiter, planted the customer at the counter right in front of me. how the hell was i supposed to pull rank when this guy, who is nearly singlehandedly keeping us in business, sitting right there. man, i felt like i was 12 and incompetent and inconsequential. a shitty way to feel as i was driving home.

and here's my other dilemma. i can protect our mexican/latino busboys. but am i any better if i treat our waiters like shit? ideally, i'd like to be able to be compassionate and caring towards all of them, but it's so hard because the waiters squander resources, have no respect, and do an all-around half-assed job at their jobs. the busboys, on the other hand, work hard, are slightly more meek (though some of them aren't when they so blatantly steal from us), and are being exploited. i don't know what to do.

oh wait, yes i do. i'm going to seattle and then when i come back, i'll only have four more weekends before i move to boston. there's a reason i went to college and am getting educated out my ears -- so i never have to work in a bar/restaurant, and so i'll never have to own my own business.

impeach bush
i saw a great poster in a store in new paltz when i was up there earlier this week. a cartoonish drawing of bush, looking goofy as per the usual. underneath it said "elect a madman, get madness". so true, if only we had elected bush.

i just finished lies and the lying liars who tell them by al franken. i started it almost six months ago but had to put it down because it infuriated me too much. but maybe because of the upcoming elections, i had to get through the whole thing. yes, franken is a democrat, but instead of relying on insults and lies to make his point, he relies on facts, numbers and statistics and lexis-nexis to document how bush, cheney et.al. are liars. and so are the right-wingers of the media, a larger lot than you'd think. (e.g. the entire fox news network, the wall street journal, the new york times, at times, etc.) for example, why was everyone all over gore during the last election, taking things out of context, like the inventing the internet comment. i think there's far less scandal over, oh, bush lying about the evidence of saddam hussein having weapons of mass destruction. and i remember hearing somewhere, sorry for not remembering exactly where, that the same thing is happening to kerry. the media, probably driven by karl rove, is picking up every slightly erroneous sounding comment, taking it out of context, and is going to try and paint kerry to be as big fat of a liar as gore. hey, it worked last time. oh, that and purging all the black votes from florida's recount.

not all republicans are evil, not all democrats are compassionate. but for the love of god, get bush out of office. i've even offered to buy people's votes. $20 is about all i can afford.

also, i saw the movie "saved" last night. you know, with mandy moore. my friend characterized it as a teen movie. so true, except instead of having the popular girl be someone who breaks all the rules (sex, drugs, etc), she's this seemingly devout christian. it wasn't all that great, save for some shining comedic moments. but then it's started a whole 'nother chain of thoughts. not exactly original but i've had these thoughts before.

i am a christian. i believe in jesus, i struggle, but i having something of a personal relationship with god. how is it that i'm of the same faith as george w. bush and john ashcroft? being christian is not about the culture that was portrayed in the movie. that's an extreme and ugly part of the culture. i do not throw bibles at people who do not do as i think jesus wants me to do. it's not about following rules. just because you don't drink and don't have sex, doesn't mean you're a good christian. however, it doesn't mean you can go out and just have it all willy nilly either. i'm not sure what my point is. i guess i just can't believe me and dubya believe in the same god, and that the movie wasn't about christianity as a religion, but about a particular subset of a particular culture.

holy hell it's hot.