Friday, June 30, 2006

No, It Won't Do For NOw

No, It Won't Do For Now
Today, I spent the whole day talking / hearing about domestic violence. It was utterly depressing although the only solace I could find was that the firm puts a lot of time and effort into these cases. Some place I could not find solace was with The Boy. So I've decided it's OVER. OVER! And if I tell you otherwise, please knock some sense into me.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


...this is all an exercise in trust. I mean, after this, it should be easy.

Career Stuff Or An Attempt Anyway

Career Stuff (Or an Attempt To Talk of Such Things)
I'm going to court in the morning. I should really really really be asleep. But I'm not. And so it goes.

I'm grading journal competition entries. Oh dear. Some of these kids ... really? Why are they editing, like, substantively editing, direct quotes?! The beauty of using a direct quote is you don't have to write! You stop paying attention and you just transcribe! But there they go, editing it. BAH!

Had a talk tonight. He's wily. "I need to talk to you" apparently gets him to turn on the charm. I'm not buying it completely. But, still, things are a little better, and good enough for now.

Remember, they're just emotions. I'll bounce back. Haven't not bounced back yet.

But, as I was discussing this with a friend - which was spurred by reading something somewhere I wish I had never seen and never read (fucking MySpace GRR) - I broke it down for her as to what was so hard.

I spent the majority of my teens overcome by emotions. I've talked about it before, but in short, I used to feel things so intensely that they would literally incapacitate me. I've always been sensitive and jealous and prone to developing intense, mildly co-dependent friendships. As I've gotten older, I've managed to regulate these emotions so that I can still function even when I'm feeling something. (It helps that life has gotten better...) I've done this in most aspects of my life. But of course the one I haven't is in the context of romantic relationships. Maybe it's from lack of practice. But in any event, I hate unloading these feelings on the person that is more-or-less the cause of those feelings because I feel like I've trained myself to think that these feelings are my problem, not the others. That it's my fault I feel emotions so intensely. That it's my burden, not to be unloaded on the other. So I keep them to myself and share them with a few friends, but never with "the subject." And I call myself crazy and blame myself.

But you know, in almost all the times in my past I've found myself in the situation, I wasn't the only culprit. My gut ... it's pretty damn reliable. Even if in the end I was the one that, in a sense, took it and ran.

Still, it will do for now.

Monday, June 26, 2006


I feel like I'm competing, constantly competing. To be better than they were. To keep his attention. To give him better so that he won't turn back. And won't turn away. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly competing. I want to be secure and be myself and grow together.

I'm tired of feeling like this, even if I should expect it.

Is there a line that separates my problem from his problem? If so, where is it?

Is this what I thought I was getting into when I decided, however many months ago, that I was going to try? I don't want to suffer so much for those bursts of happiness. Those bursts are too short and too far between.

Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's the situation. Maybe I really am ready for more and I can't have it in this situation.

Is there a way to create more with what I have? I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of competing.


I think I'm sick. I got that phlegmy coughy thing.

Summer colds are weird. I know colds have nothing to do with cold, but still.

I hope it's just allergies. And post-nasal drip, if you will.

I love my job. Still. Although this 9-5 thing is getting in the way of my afternoon naps and laundry. And mopping. Oh garsh I need to mop something wicked.

Confession: I'm thinking of hiring a cleaning lady for the summer.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


Week 1: buzzing; excitement not worn off.
Week 2: in a rut; excitement worn off; doubting.
Week 3: eagerly anticipating.

As it's week 2, I'm pretty much right on schedule. Blargh!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The Internets Can Be Creepy

The Internets Can Be Creepy
I'm currently obsessed with MySpace. I log onto it like a zillion times a day. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Anyway, today I received an unusually high number of messages from strangers. Maybe it's like Friendster and I was featured somewhere. Whenever that happens on Friendster, my view count skyrockets. Anyway. These messages today were creepy. One of them was from a guy who, instead of posting a picture of himself, posted a picture of his car. BLECH. Another was from someone who wrote "i love asian women.. r u single willing to mingle?" NO!

I hung out with an old friend, M, today. We haven't seen each other in far too long. We played DDR (Dance Dance Revolution, not Dungeons & Dragons) for four hours and then watched Garden State. We talked a lot about life and love as our personal lives are both ripe for the discussing. My friend made an observation that I sound different and talk differently than he has ever heard me. Yes. I am trying. It's a struggle, but I'm trying.

M is also my first transgender friend. He observed that T's sometimes aren't accepted by the G's and L's, nor by G&L advocacy groups. Something I never really thought about, but something I probably should think about.

City Bitch

The City Bitch
Have you ever heard of the city bitch phenomenon? It's not really scientific or documented, but if you've ever ridden the subway in NY, you may have put your city bitch forward. Although I'd say NY is the city where it comes out the most, it's not hard to turn on your city bitch in other cities. What is the city bitch? Well, it's that unfriendly uninterested look you put on your face. I accessorize my city bitch with shoes and bags and iPod and the New Yorker. I've kind of forgotten about my city bitch these last two years in this provincial city I live in now. But this New York Times article reminded me of it all:

By Anemona Harticollis
New York Times, 6/24/06

It is a hidden reality of the New York City subway system, and perhaps mass transit systems everywhere since the first trolley car took to the tracks. It begins with a pinch or a shove, someone standing too close. But it can be much worse.

This week, as the Police Department announced the arrest of 13 men charged with groping and flashing women in the subways, women around the city nodded. Yes, they said, this had happened to them. Yesterday. Last month. Last fall. Twenty years ago.

"Every girl I know has at least one story," said Barbara Vencebi, 23, a studio photographer standing outside the No. 6 train station at 116th Street in East Harlem yesterday.

It is a crime abetted by the peculiar landscape of the underworld that is the subway system, by the anonymity of a crowded car where everybody is avoiding eye contact. And by the opportunity for a quick escape at the next stop, to disappear behind a pillar, into a tunnel, up an escalator.

An impromptu survey of riders during the morning rush yesterday found that, for many women who have experienced it, the worst part of the crime is the sense of helplessness. What is the right way to react to a humiliating, but not life-threatening, situation? Should you announce to an entire car of strangers that you have just been violated?

Most of the time, the women said, they seethe inwardly but say nothing.

"I looked back and I couldn't do anything because a lot of people were behind me," said Suany Baca, 32, a waitress who was going up the stairs at 86th Street in the No. 6 train station last November, when she was groped by a man who passed her going down.

"I pretended like it didn't happen," she said. "I don't know what they get out of it."

Those who single out women on the subways do not care about race, if yesterday's interviews were any indication — black, Asian, Hispanic and white women all had stories to tell. But they do seem to discriminate by age.

Most of the women who reported recent incidents were in their 20's and younger. But the experience, women said, is so universal, and so scarring, that they continue to feel paranoid and to put on their body armor — the big bag, the bad face — no matter how old they get.

Women know the drill. Just as some men reflexively check to see if they have their wallets on a crowded train, women check their bodies.

Pull in your backside and your front. Wedge a large bag for protection between yourself and the nearest anonymous male rider, who might, just might, be planning something. Put on your fiercest face, and brace yourself for contact that seems too deliberate to be accidental, too prolonged to be random.

And not just in New York. Mexico City and Tokyo have reacted to subway gropers by instituting all-female subway cars. But as one New York woman said yesterday, wouldn't that make a nice target?

The crackdown in New York followed a number of highly publicized cases in which women helped the police arrest flashers by snapping pictures of them with their cellphone cameras.

Some women said yesterday that they did not expect the police effort — 13 suspected gropers and flashers were arrested over 36 hours last month — to make a big dent in the problem. But, they added, it was a start.

"I feel better they caught these guys," said Juliette Fairley, 35, an actress who said that she encountered a flasher on her N train at 42nd Street not long ago. "But there will always be people out there like this."

Some crime and subway experts with long memories offered a cautionary tale yesterday. A subway police squad in 1983 and 1984 looking for lewd behavior led to the false arrest of scores of men, most of them black and Hispanic. The men were accused of "bumping," the jargon for men who rubbed up against women, and other petty crimes.

The arrests turned out to be part of a scheme by transit police officers to inflate their productivity and win promotion, and it became a major scandal. "It is extremely hard in a crowded subway station to tell right from wrong when somebody is up close to somebody else," Richard Emery, a lawyer who won a class-action suit on behalf of the falsely arrested men, said yesterday.

Any sting operation, he said, has to be carefully planned. Stan Fischler, a subway historian and author of "The Subway and the City," made a similar point. The IRT cars of the kind used on the No. 1 line, he said, are skinnier than those used on the IND and BMT lines, and it is almost impossible during the morning and evening rush not to rub up against someone. "Half the time you don't know whether it's accidental or not," he said.

Jenna Caccaro, 22, a fashion student who lives in Brooklyn, said she was first flashed on the subway when she was 15. She thought it might have been because she was wearing her Catholic school uniform. "I thought that maybe I'd done something to attract him," she said, "but my family reassured me he was just a sleaze."

Sara Payne, 25, of Manhattan, who takes the No. 1 train to work for a jewelry company in the Bronx, said she has been flashed about six times on the subway in the eight years she has lived in New York. She said it happened more when she was a freshman in college than it does now.

"Maybe I'm a little more confident now," she said, "so people are less prone to try and intimidate me."

Vivian Lynch, 68, used to take the F train home to Queens. She shivered at the memory. "It happened to me in the 70's," she said. "Men used to touch women on the train and stand close to them and ruin their clothes."

In some ways, groping seems almost an accepted part of subway culture. Stephanie Vullo, 43, said she had dealt many times with men rubbing up against her or trying to touch her on crowded No. 4 or 5 trains in the morning when she takes her daughter to school. "It's worse in the summer months when everyone is wearing less clothing," she said. "The first time I turned around and yelled at the guy, but with my daughter, I don't want to get her upset."

Many women said they were not so much frightened by the subway encounters as they were appalled that men would do something so pathetic.

Like Ms. Fairley, the actress. "All of a sudden," she said, "this man moved into my frame of reference, and I was staring at a penis. I couldn't believe it."

Ms. Fairley said she was embarrassed, but felt even worse, in a way, for the man. "They need help, bless their hearts," she said.

Friday, June 23, 2006

But I Only Had Three Cups Today

But I Only Had Three Cups Today
According to Time Magazine, which didn't provide a cite or reference, drinking 4+ cups of coffee per day reduces one's chances of developing alcohol cirrhosis by 80%. Rockin. This comes in handy when one drinks like a freaking fish. Or as someone put it today, swims in a pool of beer. Or G&Ts. Where the T isn't so much T as it's club soda so it's really just G. Blech.

The summer class is getting a bit more comfortable with each other. This is good. And bad. One good thing -- increased honesty. And as a result, because I was the one who brought a friend along who was not a significant other and who was not otherwise attached ... well, I kinda feel like a pimp. "Why don't you bring more of your friends around, Hap?" he asked.



Thursday, June 22, 2006

Commute, Redux

Commute, Redux
There is a lot of construction going on in my neighborhood. This means that every morning, essentially the first thing that happens to me is I walk by a lot of construction workers. Thankfully they're not the catcalling kind of construction workers, but testosteroney construction workers nonetheless. It's a bit of a strain on my self-confidence first thing in the morning before my coffee*. But maybe it prepares me for the office. Actually, my office has a lot of women, which is nice.

I suppose the construction workers are better than the students I have to dodge every morning during the school year. Those aspiring hipsters with their cigarettes dangling here and there and waving in the air. Now, my self-confidence recovers by the next block. Cigarette burns are another story.

* "A medium iced hazelnut coffee with skim milk, please."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Things I can appreciate after two beers and three V&Ts:
* bluegrass
* people who pick up the phone even tho' they're sleeping and care, in their half-asleep state, whether I've gotten home alive
* cab drivers who will take me a mile over the bridge to my home
* but mostly people who care that I've gotten home alive, after I've woken them up with a drunken phone call. You hear?

Oh man, it's way past my bedtime.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Tye Red

Tye Red
I had a very nice weekend. Highlights include:

* booze cruise -- full of scary townies! but fun nonetheless.

* bike ride -- i got sunburned! About 30 miles of it, and it was very very fun. My butt hurt way less than it did after my last ride. And hot chocolate is tasty.

* I like to know facts and history -- it empowers me to conquer my emotions and insecurities and it also gives me insight into the other. I wish I could have made this clearer.

I really need to do some work but I'm sooo sleepy. This getting up at 6am and going to work thing is really cramping my lifestyle. Actually, I've noticed that I've been getting up earlier and earlier every day. 6. Then 5:45. Then 5:30. In the A.M. thank you. Thankfully I got to sleep in a little this weekend, but not too much, because then that just throws you all off.

And another week begins.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Losing the Offer, Step by Step
Maybe I should wait until I get the offer and people know me better before I start referring to gay men as "homos". But really, the gay men in my life don't mind. But I'm not sure the people at work realize that.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Holy Shitballs

Holy Shitballs
If you don't eat dinner, or much lunch, or much breakfast, 3 glasses of wine will knock the shit right out of you. (It's amazing, though, how much poop you can still generate...heh.) I woke up at 4:30 this morning and have been awake ever since. It's a good thing I passed out at around 11pm. I am now trying to rehydrate and recalorify myself. Will get to work early b/c I have to finish a memo draft. Hopefully will not crash in the middle of the day.

I got an email this morning. Drama begets drama.

[Update: that cheese, egg and bacon bagel may have been overdoing it. Vomitron.]

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Stream of Consciousness, in Vagueness

Stream of Consciousness, in Vagueness
I know I am flawed. Flawed so deeply most people would be frightened to know the true extent. While I certainly take ownership of my flaws and try and change and improve on them, there's an extent to which the flaws are not mine, but given to me. My flaws are, in large part, a byproduct of my life experiences, although I'm pretty damn sure I started out with a few. So to some extent, people have to accept my flaws and respect me that I'm trying to fix them, and if they care about me, want to help me along in my task.

I'm so tired of trying to appear perfect. And, I'm bad at it. I say stupid things all the time, things that come off sounding mean and stupid, but mostly mean. I like to think that I am a good person underneath it all, that I care and I love and I have good intentions. And I'm doing my best to navigate this life, inflicting as little hurt on other people as possible.

And somewhere along the way, tired of getting hurt, I shut people out, and I leaned on myself and a select few quite heavily. And it's kind of momentous to let someone new in, but sometimes it must be done. Inevitably, I find myself hurting. It's hard to distinguish between pain that I'm inflicting on myself because of my flaws, and pain that someone else is (unnecessarily) inflicting on me. Either way, I'm tired of hurting; I imagine perfection is hurting less. Where flaws match up with flaws in such a way that it creates a diminishment of hurt. I believe this can happen.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Bad Sleep

The Bad Sleep
No one seems to care. But I had nightmares all night long. Twice I even woke up shouting. Once I was yelling "No no no no." I think the other time was just indiscriminate yelling. If I heard that coming from the apartments across the alley in the middle of the night, I might be concerned. But no one seems to care. And I don't mean my neighbors. I mean, people I've been telling.

But let me tell you, when you spend the whole night dreaming about bad things -- and it wasn't all murder and mayhem, some of it was emotionally gut-wrenching -- you kind of start the day off funnily.

Things perked up by the time I got my haircut. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that if I put on the right outfit, my haircut could pass for a mullet. A femme mullet.

Friday, June 09, 2006

As Promised

As Promised

This is a picture of the scarf I knit last month while I was staying with my parents. I used a big chunky yarn and giant needles. (There are technical ways to indicate gauge and needle size, but really, I can't be bothered.) I used a seed stitch.

This is a picture of me modeling the scarf. (Erm, don't mind that.) I just got my new cell phone and I'm having a hard time taking pictures of myself, but as you can tell, the resolution on my new camera phone is much better.

Yes, that's the big news. My new cell phone arrived. And I went shopping today, and bought (work clothes) without impunity. Last night was a big firm event. I'm hungover and tired today, and b/c it's raining yet again, I've decided to stay in. I've done some cleaning and some tv-watching. All is good. Well, no, that's not true. But I've taken the "relax" advice to heart. Chillin' momma.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Good and Bad

Good and Bad
Bad: rain -- endless rain; busy work -- I chose my second assignment poorly; communication -- there just seems to be a little misconnecting but I'm doing my best not to let it get to me.

Good: email (gauche!) -- simplified my life by 1/2, ok, maybe 1/4 or 1/3, but simplified none the less; realization -- that I just need to chill b/c they're just feelings and I've felt worse in the past.

Best: bed!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Can it be?

Can It Be?
I kind of love my firm. Today, it dawned on me. They may be feeding us all lines, but they are good lines, hook line and sink 'er.

It's ok to call me a sell out.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Practicing My Confidentiality Skillz

Practicing My Confidentiality Skillz
I want you to know. I want you to know a little about what I'm thinking and doing and feeling. The work environment is kind of weird because theoretically, we all know about everyone else's work. I mean, I could go on the server and read people's memos and briefs and what not. And today, the partner I'm working for said something to me and she said, Oh, don't tell anyone I said that. Then I ran into my "buddy" and she was asking me about my project and I had to not repeat what the partner had just told me. And, if you haven't remembered, this is *me* we're talking about here. The queen bee of divulging. So this is all to say that I'm going to try my best to talk about my life without, well, getting fired, found out, or spilling confidential information. Like a tight-rope, baby.

So I had my hesitations about the big firm thing but I have to say that it has been ridiculously good. There's a lot of social anxiety and trying to be on my best behavior and meeting all these people and then trying to learn their names but forgetting or not quite knowing and then just saying, hi. Just hi. One thing I do like about it is, well, I've got great digs, the paycheck can't be beat, and everyone is so freaking nice. The niceness of everyone just makes me want to ooze niceness. Because really, who wants to be the bitch in a sea of XXX people? I'm doing my best not to make everything seem like it's making or breaking my future, but hey, I'm a woman, and as my friend told me earlier, we (I) tend to lend much more importance to lots of things -- first dates, second dates, etc.

Which gets me to my next topic. Boys, meh! I'm having my own little freak out over here, but I'd like to share a few words my fabulously supportive friend E shared with me from the left coast.

* Boys are people too; they are not "love objects." (She meant that in a far less dirty way than it sounds.)

* Like I mentioned above, girls (me) tend to lend more import to little things, and boys are usually on a totally different track. I just need to chill. I am not going to get married in the next six months, or possibly ever, so chill, momma, chill.

* At the same time, honesty has its virtues. So honest I have been, and honest I will be.

I got to hang out with another friend yesterday, and he said something which embodies exactly what I'm looking for. Someone, in commenting about a past relationship, said to my friend that he was "good for" his former partner. And to me, he said, that's nice, but that's not what I want in a relationship; we need to be good for each other Eureka! Things have been good for me to an extent, but I kind of need to be good in return. I think I'm kind of unsure whether that's happening. But to return to E's words (not the love object bit), chill. Momma, chill.

In more mundane news, I have to pick up the writing assignment packets this week. Argh! Gouge my eyes out with a fork and put them in the microwave!

Here's a change of pace. A picture! Of my cousin at Nintendo World in Rockefeller Center. Good geeky times!


I was walking down the stairs at the train station and my heel caught my pantleg and I almost fell down the stairs. Thankfully I didn't b/c I would have taken another woman out with me. But I ripped my pants. These new, kind of expensive pants that I've only worn twice. Grr!

I feel melancholy. I've decided to take this evening for myself. I'm going to the gym later, after the rush, and then I'm going to get a healthy dinner and watch the Stanley Cup finals. Carolina versus Edmonton. Yeah, no one cares, but whatever, I've resolved to get myself back into the NHL.

So there.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Even though I didn't win big at last night's (this morning's) poker game, I just went and bought myself a new phone. But I'm still in my PJs so I clearly did it all online.

I'm so tired.

What's on the agenda today? Kickball in the mud, then bike ride in the mud. Oy.

On Poker

On Poker
You know something is big if I've jumped on the bandwagon. Tonight, for the first time since I was like 6 or something, I played poker. Texas Hold 'Em. Freaking fun. I could see it becoming addictive, but at one point, when I was really tired, it reminded me of when my parents would play mahjongg when I was a kid. I just remember waiting around for them for a long time while they finished their games i.e. lost all their money. But whoever has heard of gambling that ends early? This has been a tiring weekend and I think it's only going to get worse as I have a kickball game and bike ride on the schedule for tomorrow. Meanwhile, it's been raining for four days straight.

But poker was fun!