fear.
i'm afraid. of so many things. of leaving my wallet at home. of leaving my textbook at home. of losing my parents, of losing my friends, of losing my sanity, or what's left of it. but up there at the top of the list, i'm afraid of rejection. sure, yes, i know, everyone is. but the boy, everything about this situation reminds me so much of situations i've been in in the past, and i feel like the same thing is happening. that i'm going to be hurt, rejected, made a total fool. i wish i could be true to my intentions of being friends. it's not going so well. i wish i could be true to my intentions of not competing with another girl for some boy, but i don't think it's going to go so well once we get back from quebec. one more week of classes and then exams. ergh.

why am i so predictable? why do i do the same thing over and over again? is this just the true me manifesting itself, waiting for THE ONE to find his way into my life? the one who is so right that he can take my deepest idiosyncracies and love them instead of judging them as psycho? or are these idiosyncracies and patterns of behavior things i'm supposed to learn from? I don't know. i feel so lost. so far from god. so far from reality. so far from maturity, back in high school.

i want to ask him to lunch. next week, before beer. because more beer with more people might just be weird. but maybe what's weird is that i invited him to pre-thanksgiving dinner at my place and he declined. well, it's not so much he declined as he "took it under consideration" and then never responded to my other email. i knew he was declining, however. so in essence, he declined. anyways, what's with the antisocial behavior? is he at home writing a manifesto on why artest shouldn't be suspended for the entire season? on why a violent response to a provocation is okay? who knows. i just know my life is confusing, and i don't understand myself, and i'm going to stop trying and just go to quebec and enjoy my vacation and try not to care about how stupid i am/feel. i'm not dumb. i know i'm not dumb. there are definitely some things i'm very good at and smart about. i just ... law school really is like high school. all my insecurities have returned. resurfaced.