hometown postings
three days. that's how many days i've been at my parents house, when i woke up today and had an incredible urge to pack up my car and drive back to boston. and then drive back to jersey on friday to work at the club on new years eve. why? because my back was sore from sleeping on the floor. and it is so fucking cold here i couldn't even take a shower today. and my parents don't keep the cleanest house. i swear they are growing fucking science experiments in the refrigerator. ick. (but i can forgive them on that one because they are 60 y.o. and are in the nightclub business.) so when i told my parents i wanted to leave, they gave me money to buy a space heater and helped me haul a queen-size mattress up from the basement. things are much much better now. i think i'll stay.

I FINISHED MY FINALS YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!

and i'm sorry i couldn't post, but i went straight to the bar. i'm learning how to be a lawyer. it was also my friend's birthday so that added to the festivities. holy shit. it was nice to wake up today and not have to study or think about studying. it was NOT nice to wake up with my contacts in, my mouth fuzzy, cold and nearly naked on my couch. ahh, the hangover. i met people last night i have never seen at law school before, but who are my classmates. i met people who were homeless. i met people who spoke french. i met people i thought i didn't like. i've decided to like everyone at school. my new resolution.

this post is taking me all day to write. i just got back from some modest christmas shopping. got stuff for the parents. isn't it nice to get to the register and be surprised because one of the items you have is on sale, and you're going to spend $20 less than you expected? yeay! i'm going to go out to dinner soon. there really isn't much to talk about. law school is done for three weeks. i'm going to see my parents tomorrow. i might drink again tonight. i'll be back at the books before i know it.

i wish i could spend my winter break making this map more red


create your own visited countries map

drunk posting -- a new pasttime
i don't remember leaving the previous post. i was out celebrating the end of my property exam on thursday night, came home quite drunk, and did lots of shit, like ate, and drunk posted. (at least it wasn't drunk dialing.) last night, i had the decency to pass out before i could do any of that shit. ohhh man. last night was a little sloppy. i'm not sure why, but sloppy enough for me to wake up and call last night sloppy ... for reasons beyond just feeling hung over. the foreign grad students had a party last night. i've seen them around, sat in class with them, but never really hung out with them. i think that milestone has been crossed off my list. europeans. and asians. oh it was so much fun! like studying abroad, or living abroad, or traveling abroad, without all the jet lag, expenses, and fun of customs. i just don't know when i stopped keeping track of what i was drinking.

no title
i am needy. please leave some comments.

negotiations
it's a good thing i have studying to fill up my time, cuz i sure as damn hell don't have hockey. stupid nhlpa and stupid nhl. JUST MAKE A FUCKING DEAL, GET OVER IT, AND SAVE THE FUCKING SPORT FROM BECOMING A SAD FOOTNOTE!

old hat
took my second exam today. contracts. this is a semester long course, so i just determined 4 credits worth of grade in one three-hour sitting. (civ. pro. was only 40% of a 6 credit course.) i felt far less mentally violated than after civil procedure. i actually ... i confess ... kinda had fun! it was half multiple choice, half essay. the multiple choice was far easier than the LSAT, but more ambiguous. just imagine, the LSAT questions have been tested repeatedly so any ambiguities and uncertainties have been discovered and written and edited out. my test today was written by a 70(?) year old professor who's been teaching here since the late 60's. he has gone through god knows how many textbooks. when he started teaching, the UCC wasn't even enacted yet! let's just say, in many ways, the testing has not been as rigorous. the second part of the test was essay. and this was also less violating than civ pro because there were sorta crazy people in it. aaah, i love crazy people!

thursday: property. hopeless.

church, and continuous posting
i've been doing pretty well. i've been posting every day for a week, i think! wow.
today i got my fat ass out of bed early and went to church before studying all day. for the first time in a long time, i have found a church i like. nothing freaky like people trying to speak in tongues, and no interpretive dance performances. i hate when people treat church as a stage for their unrealized dreams of becoming a rock star/interpretive dancer.

at the start of the service, the children's choir sang some christmas songs. that was kind of just what i needed. god reminding me that there are things greater in this world than my own pathetic problems. when i worked with kids every day, it was easy to be reminded of the joy of little ones. it's been a long time since i've had that reminder. when i'm around a baby, it's not that i want one, but it's this instant, shocking reminder of what is real and important. life is real. caring for others is real. my pathetic insecurities and trivial crushes are not real. i only let them overwhelm me, and i don't have to.

i remember in college, one of my biggest struggles was with my emotions. they would become so overpowering, that i'd be incapacitated. i wouldn't get out of bed for two days, sometimes it seemed. if i liked a guy, i'd eventually sink into the deepest of depressions that would make me question my own self-worth. it still happens a little bit. but i expect it now, and i don't let it overwhelm me. i don't wallow in those feelings, because while i acknowledge those feelings, i know they're not grounded in truth. it helps a little that i'm too busy to take two days off to wallow in front of the tv and eat mallomars. not that i've ever eaten a mallomar.

in other news, my neighbor knocked on my door. i didn't realize it was 2am and i had my music on really loud and i was singing along, quite obnoxiously. she was NOT happy.

home town sounds
i am obsessed with the garden state soundtrack, particularly the track by colin hay. it's really depressing. it's about him trying to get over someone. depressing music ... it sometimes makes me feel better, but often just makes me feel depressed, and then when i'm depressed i just want to listen to more depressing music until at some point i just have to either get up and exercise or succumb to the urge to drown in my bathwater or something. ahh such a vicious cycle.

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Lyrics

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

do i even have time for this?
here's a story from the nytimes, an editorial, noting that public tv has banned a kinsey pseudo-ad, and a public radio station in north carolina that banned an INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S RIGHTS group from saying "reproductive rights." and of course, the article goes on to talk about how when kinsey's report first came out, it was going to be the decline of moral values, blah blah blah.

and i ask you this: aren't honest and healthy attitudes towards sex and talking about sex completely different from using sex to manipulate people into buying underwear and cd's and cars??!!?!! so yes, maybe the morality of society has declined and we're all fucked up because i hate my body because i watch too many victoria's secret ads and can't watch mtv without seeing 1800 belly buttons and people who look 16 gyrating quite seductively. but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be able to understand my sexuality, talk about my sexuality, and deal with my sexuality out in the open. there's a difference between learning and dealing with a big part of your life and manipulating those weaknesses to make me want / be something i can never have / be.

if i've got an exam in an hour and a half and i can think of this, why can't the fucking people out there? damn the religious right. damn the uber liberal. i swear.

what's the foreplay?
tomorrow, i lose my law school exam taking virginity.

some funny stories
1. the other night, a friend and i rode the t out to washington sq to meet some other chicas for beer and dinner. we had no idea where the bar was, so we ended up crossing the t tracks. as trains were coming in both directions. so we made a mad dash. and being caught up in the moment of almost certain remote death, we dashed across the traffic...when i suddenly had a falling sensation, like i was falling down a hole and/or my knee was giving out. one push and i was out, though, save for a slight pain in my knee. I FELL INTO A POTHOLE! running across traffic, I FELL IN A POTHOLE! my knee still feels sorta twingy.

2. a few weeks ago i ordered new contact lenses on the internet. i just had occasion to put them in the other day. i put one in, and you know sometimes when you first put one in, it takes a moment to settle so it's not like you can see all that well. after i put the first one in, i noticed some blurriness but decided to go put on some music. so i had one lens in, and i knew things looked weird. well, then i go back and put the other one in, blink a few times, and realize that EVERYTHING is fuzzy!! i could actually see better out of the eye that didn't have the contact lens, except now i had both lenses in so i could see ANYTHING! i promptly take them out of my eye, thinking, hmm...maybe these acuvue 2s are defective. then i look at the box. and i dig out an old lens...and realize my prescription is -2.75, not +2.75!!!! it was weird, i felt like i was underwater. so i dug out a super old pair of acuvue 1s, prescription -3.00. let's just say that i've resorted to wearing my glasses until my new shipment comes. the difference between the two acuvue versions is the thickness around the edge. those acuvue 1s feel like they're as thick as manhole covers! never mind that they're like 2 years old...

provincial
i am sipping cafe au lait as i write this. i love not having classes. but now i must leave and study. i can't get anything done at home, i don't know why.

digging up old pains
two years ago, i happened to have several people in my life who were first-year law students at nyu. i was just finishing up my graduate degree, and i had already realized that grad school was kind of easy. i was working, i was training, life had routine, life was pretty good. and then these 1Ls came into my life and kind of threw it all off. i'm realizing that's part of what is making this period of my life sort of painful, because that time ended up being kind of painful. i mean, two years ago new year's, i was blubbering drunk in a bathtub and ... well, long story but you could look up my old post if you want. so i'm a little stressed, but not too bad, but it's watching the people around me freak out that's sort of making it hard and hurtful. but now that i know this, hopefully i can put it in perspective. i'm not getting blown off because i suck, but because the other person is just freaking out. i just wish i could do something for them, but then i'm afraid they'll just take that kind of action as being annoying and distracting them from studying, so off i go into my own little corner, studying and living until this time passes. life is weird.

12-step program for guaranteed man problems...cont'd 2
1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation
8. have an ambiguous meeting
9. throw yourself at him some more.
10. compare yourself to other girls.
11. feel so very fat and unattractive.
12. move on.

the world off kilter
i purport that i am not stressed by finals. i think this is an unintentional lie. i am stressed. this is why i've been sleeping in front of my tv for the past two nights. this is why everyone seems annoying, and everyone seems annoyed at me. this is why sleeping until 11 seems like a mortal sin. i think everything is just off. people who are normally sane and friendly are suddenly insane and have fallen off the face of the earth. people who i thought were my friends a few weeks ago, before thanksgiving, are suddenly unfriendly, uninterested. i don't know. it's all insane. i'm starting to feel myself slip off the edge into that chasm of drivenness myself. hang on...

12-step program for guaranteed man problems...cont'd
1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation
...
8. have an ambiguous meeting
9. throw yourself at him some more.
10. compare yourself to other girls.

THIS is now where i'm at. insecurity. uncertainty. be so utterly predictable.

boozed up
i know alcohol is a depressant. and i had a lot of alcohol yesterday. so i should be depressed, and kind of hungover. and i'm both. actually, both set in last night and i haven't been able to shake it this morning. last night it was one of those nights where i had to fall asleep in front of the t.v. why am i depressed? probably for no good reason at all. who knows. i got to hang out with some new people yesterday. i wonder where all my self-confidence went. i used to wake up in the morning and be like, oh last night was so fun, remember when this happened and that happened, and i said that? now i'm like, ugh, why did i drink so much, i could have been studying and i bet this person thinks i'm an asshole because i did this and said that. where has all my self-confidence gone? i think i used to have some. in grad school? in new zealand? it's definitely dissipated this last year, whatever meager amount i had managed to acquire. did it disappear as i was pulling all those all nighters, watching itty bitty skinny somewhat pretty girls whore it up at the club? or maybe i used it to fight all those colds i had teaching the little ones how to kick and do forms, so they could get into good colleges? or maybe living with my parents for a year drained me of any ability to be happy and content and confident in what i have, because there is always something better, always something higher to reach for, more money to make, another milestone (like a husband) to achieve.

maybe it's just my lack of exercise talking. the swimming pool has been having some "chemical problems" and i haven't been swimming in weeks. sounds scary. i picture people in gas masks in there. i picture the poor person who found out the pool was having chemical problems covered in 2nd degree burns from head to toe. ick.

oh, and i tripped up the stairs at my t stop. fell on my hands. was mortified. managed to laugh and scurry on my way home.

cradle robbing everywhere i look!
demi and ashton. the mom and her grad student from jack and bobby. everywhere i look older women are getting with younger men. add to the pattern the teacher-student pairing from the abc show life as we know it. of course, the teacher, who is played by a woman my age, is sorta psycho jealous. and 16 is probably a wee bit too young.

but in this life as i know it ... i think i was stood up today. can someone be that dense? i gave it the old college/high school try. i just need to let go. because anything past this is desperation, and i don't have the excuse of leaving the country/time zone/zip code. 2.5 more years! good thing tomorrow is the last day of classes. and then i have nothing but finals to think about. aaaack! finals!

i wonder if i can find myself another distraction before the end of the semester ... heh heh.

the inevitable
it's happening. the depression is setting in. ok, let's not call it depression. i'm not really depressed, but i am sort of blue. i think it's more like being let down. i guess that's an accurate description of how i feel after i become interested in someone and that person does not seem to show interest in return. aaah, i was burned by a law student once. i didn't understand why things were so stressful after thanksgiving rolled by, but it all makes sense now.

do i ever learn from my mistakes? or am i like pavlov's dog, only my dog food is having my heart singed by peculiar boys?

i've been getting into jack & bobby. it's like the optimism of the west wing (oh to have a liberal president like bartlett) mixed with the drama of gilmore girls / the o.c. although i can only guess on that latter one because i have never actually watched a whole episode of the o.c. but grace, jack & bobby's mom, is starting a relationship with her grad student. oh scandal! oh hot! younger men are hot. at least on that show. younger men in real life ... tend to be more complicated and not as hot and assertive as grace's grad student. and by complicated, i usually mean dense. ahh, but a girl can dream.