I Just Need to Get This Off My Chest

The other day, I went to the Ex's place to hang out and play Rock Band. OMG. I love Rock Band. And the Ex got it for Christmas, and I wanted to play. So I went there. Well, his other ex, the one he dated last before me, she was in town shopping and came over for dinner. She was just as territorial as she was when I met her the first time, when the Ex and I were still together. She has not, in the days we have spent together, asked me a single question about me. And all she does is talk about herself. And she didn't particularly enjoy us playing Rock Band, but didn't join in and try, nor did she say she wasn't having fun. She actually sat there and mutter to herself. Tell us about every text she got. And when she would tell stories between songs in the game, they would go on and on and on and on. Listen, honey, I want to listen to you, but you gotta keep it brief or accept that I'm going to look away because I need to watch the tv.

If she weren't 21, I'd call her a bitch. Really, she's just young and not that bright.

But I got home late last night after being out to a Facebook friend request from her.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER!

But I'm trying to remind myself that she's 21. She's not my competitor. It's almost like she's my younger sister.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH HER!

When I didn't respond to her request in 18 hours, she put her profile to private.

Ugh.

So now I'm going to back into why I was even hanging out with the Ex at all. Because I'm a sucker.

I have a theory. I don't give up on people I should give up on because I was never able to give up on my family. There were many times in my childhood I wanted to give up on them and I didn't. I couldn't. I may have tried to run away but just ended up coming home at the end of the day, my parents none the wiser. There is something very obligationy about the whole thing. I really can't be more eloquent. I'm tired and going to bed.

Sound Advice

There are two types of people. People who put their coffee beans in the freezer and people who don't. OK, maybe there are three types of people, the third being people who don't drink coffee. But I don't trust such people, so they don't count.

Some say the freezer helps the beans stay fresh. You know, like meat. I used to believe this, and as such, I used to store my beans in the freezer. One day, I stopped. Why? Because I was watching Dante's Peak and that chick from Terminator owns a coffee shop in the movie and SHE stored her beans at room temperature. Something to do with the oil in the beans.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not really sure this is the right way to do it. I mean, I know many smart people who store their beans in the freezer. And really, is Dante's Peak really where I want to be getting such advice? That movie blew! My BFF and I love the part where Scruffy is rescued from a rock in the middle of a river of lava. We laughed out loud in the theatre as everyone else was wiping tears from their eyes. I mean, we love it because it sucks!

Maybe one day, I'll wikipedia it and all will be revealed.

Eek!

I.

Went.

On.

A.

Date.

Tonight.

Yeah, so, about two months ago (note the timing) I signed up for an online dating thingie. Tonight, I met one of my matches. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I mean, literally, I really have no thoughts about him. Except that he was nice. And cute. But...he didn't make me laugh. Which is ok, because there's no rule about anything, but I like to laugh. Instead, I just felt kinda ditzy. I guess it's b/c he was kinda serious. And of course I compared him to the ex. But, that's natural, I guess. I don't know. It's just that I went on a date tonight. It was fun! Talking to someone new. Meeting someone new. That nervousness as I was waiting. Hmm.

Intermission

I recently raved about the movie Juno and its soundtrack. One of the cutest songs from the movie is Anyone Else (But You) by the Moldy Peaches. Here are the lyrics. Here is a MySpace page where you can hear the song. Yeah, I hate doing this, but deal. :) My favorite lyrics might be "Squinched up your face and did a dance / You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants". Hehehehehe.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

To You and Yours

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'll refrain from going off about the true meaning of Christmas, and just hope that you are all happy and healthy and with loved ones.

I've got a few posts brewing, but really, work is keeping me busy, and so are people. The holidays are such a busy time. Oh, and cooking. I've been doing a lot of it lately. For Misfit Christmas, which is what my friend is calling the Christmas dinner / party he's hosting. And impromptu dinner parties. And our in-between Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner party. And soon for New Year's Eve, which I'll be hosting. Sometimes, there's nothing better than staying in on a Friday night and watching ingredients come together into something delicious.

Again, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Not Much

I kinda feel like ass. Not that I'm sick. I am just so tired. I love people, and I love hanging out with people, but I am being pulled in too many directions. Last night, I had about 4 different people I was supposed to meet up with. And most of them ended up at a movie with my coworkers. I need some serious alone time. I just don't think it's going to happen during the holidays.

An interesting development is that the ex's high school ex, who really doesn't like to be called the ex b/c their relationship was so not a relationship, and I are becoming BFF's almost. We've hung out a lot lately, and we're kinda hitting it off. Last weekend, they hung out. And on Wednesday, when we hung out, I had to ask her whether she had slept with him. She had not. Even though he seriously tried. It made it much easier for me to be with her. And when the whole dirty story came out, she said, I want to be friends with you, not him. And it more or less has happened.

That doesn't mean I'm not friends with him, I guess. We went shopping yesterday. And he is still as selfish and an idiot as when we were dating, but even more so. Spending time with him totally reminds me how much we shouldn't be dating. I think I'm kind of addicted to him, though.

There's so much else to write about. Work. Snow. The movie I watched last night (Juno - so good). Work. But I'm too tired.

One Last (Amended)

So I think the Ex and I aren't going to make it through this fight. I'm not going to go into details, but there was something about our last fight that has just completely turned him off of me. And me off of him. It was like, hey, this shit's not worth it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I struggle every day with sadness still. It's almost like we've broken up again.

This time, though, I'm not going to talk about all the things about him that I liked or admired. Because what it's come down to is that he makes me feel like shit. And he makes me feel like shit because he does jerky things. And in his jerkiness, he's made me doubt myself. Made me doubt that I'm a good person, a fun person, with lots of virtues and great things about me. I'm a lot of fun. I'm generous. I bring people together. I'm loyal. I'm self aware and pretty mature, even if I'm very emotional. All these things I know are good things. And he's made me doubt it all. And that sucks. And he sucks. And I need to cut him out. Still sad, though.

Tonight, I was hanging out at a bar watching football with friends. We had the best waiter ever. And I invited him to come out with us tomorrow night. I think I was flirting with him. And I liked it.

Amendment: I was talking to my friend, J. He's great. He's a guy, but he's just really honest and observant and perceptive and tells me really insightful things about guys. And he noted that I'm projecting my frustration onto the Ex. And it's kinda true. He hasn't really done anything outright to hurt me, besides kind of ignoring me. And he's selfish. But he's not a jerk, and he probably doesn't know he's doing anything wrong. That doesn't make it any easier to be friends with him. At the same time, I think the self-imposed distance will be good. It never hurts. I mean, in the long run.

The Ex

Friday, I had a poker party. The Ex came because, well, he plays poker and I like hanging out with him. It was a really, really good party. And then when everyone left, he stayed, and I gave him his present. And when I asked him if he liked it, he said yes, and then he kissed me.

OK, it's true that we hooked up Thanksgiving weekend. And it's true that I asked him to stay on Friday b/c it was his birthday, and I wanted to give him his gift while we were alone. But he kissed me. It was the most relationshipy affection we've given each other, even given last weekend, and even given him staying over on Friday.

Saturday was his actual birthday, and because The Ex doesn't have a lot of friends, I skipped a few other parties to hang out with him. And his ex who lives in the city. And my friend J from law school, a guy who was at the poker party and agreed to come out to celebrate.

In the end, the things that broke our relationship surfaced again. The things that made our relationship hard, they're the same in the context of friendship. Yeah, it was his birthday, and he gets to be the center of attention, but it's nice to be appreciated that you're there, especially after you pay for his dinner and forego other parties and get the waiter to embarrass him for his birthday. (Heh). Instead, you don't get a thank you, you get largely ignored, you have to put up with him flirting with his ex, you get his alcohol fueled pomposity, and when you (innocently) tell him to drink up, he says, "You're still going home alone tonight." And in my alcohol fueled vulnerability, and putting up with him flirting with his ex, I walked out. As I was silently putting on my coat, he came over and said he was sorry, and asked, are you really leaving? And I hesitated. But I was hurt and I bolted, because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't going to make things worse, and I wasn't really having fun, and I was really tired. I'm not saying it was right.

Other things that made it hard for him to be with me surfaced, too. Like after a few glasses of wine at another party, I called him and tried to make him talk to me. Even though the ex was at his place (b/c she parked her car there).

But then he said, I guess we can't be friends anymore. It's like the watered down friends version of "I don't love you and I feel trapped in this relationship."

He said, there's no getting through to you at those times. You just won't listen to anyone. So I said, so you just say the meanest thing you can think of? Yup, he said.

It took a lot of effort working through this. But in the end, he did speak and he agreed that this would take time and work. I don't know why I bother, except that it'd suck to just end this like this. I'm sort of on the verge of giving up, because as much as I care about him, I hate being used, and I hate feeling like a rug to be walked all over.

It was a joke, he said. But it was a bad joke. And anyone with an ounce of decency and awareness would know that.

I don't know. It's hard.