Help, please.
I'm on the market for a new computer. (I never did get that cell phone.) My computer is on its last legs, I fear. At the very least, I'm not sure how much more of this banging around it can take, from being transported to and fro. Here are the laptops I'm considering:

Dell Latitude -- I'm quite partial to my Dell Latitude now, and it has served me well, although I had to replace the hard drive 2.5 years into it. It's now lasted me 4.5 years. Not bad.

Dell XPS -- or something like that; it's their new multimedia gaming laptop. Looks...shiny.

Compaq -- cheap as, and my Compaq desktop was always pretty nifty.

IBM -- I hear it's a good workhorse.

Toshiba -- Ditto. I'm not sure how much to rely on word of mouth b/c I think it all depends on how people treat their laptops. You bang it around, it no workie for long.

iBook -- I want to be hip and cool. Although I can't take exams on Macs, I could always keep my old laptop around for just such a purpose.

Any other suggestions?

Learning.
"Evidence suggests that exposure to abuse leads to severe physical and psychological effects (i.e. nightmares, bedwetting, headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, aggression, withdrawal) similar to those experienced by victims of physical abuse."

A post-something buzz...
I was in a pretty fantastic mood today. Reunion was a great time, made me feel sentimental. Also, I think it was just hanging in NYC, with people my own age or close to it (within a year or two), and with cute, oh so very cute, boys. And Thanksgiving itself was pretty good -- I think I'm still buzzing from my family all being together and getting along. Miraculous. And even though I did no homework this weekend, I just had such a great time. It's kind of made me feel withdrawn from law school culture, kind of how I felt when I first moved here. Not into the scene, wanting my own separate life...

But let's get back to the boys. At 10pm, we were kicked out of the private party room and went into the main bar. As I went to the bar to get a drink (or water), these two guys were there, and we started chatting. One of them was really cute. So we talked and talked and talked and for about an hour, I was way more interested in talking to them then having awkward conversations with former classmates. But then, after about an hour or so, I realized that I should probably go back to talking to them. So ... I gave this guy my number and went away.

I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. This doesn't seem significant, but it is, because I am the queen of thinking myself out of these situations. I felt the urge to run come on, but I overcame it and just threw caution and fear to the wind. I'm not sure there was all that much chemistry there, but it was a big deal, I think, not to let that override everything. Hey, it's just a cell phone number.

The falling in love part, though, came later. There was a guy at reunion. I'll leave it at that. And we chatted and chatted and chatted ... and two hours and two bars later, he's like, blah blah blah, my fiancee.

So here we have reunion rule number 1: if you're engaged or in a serious relationship, put it out on the table right away.

But we talked and smoked, smoked and talked about some pretty weighty, drunken topics, and then he asked me for my number and was like, can we talk about this again? Umm, sure. Again, it's just a phone number. And it wasn't at all romantic seeming on his part.

I'm so boy crazy right now. I'm also missing NYC, and missing the people there, and the nightlife there. I'm also, like I said, feeling withdrawn from law school life / social scene. So, I was totally buzzed all day today from a fabulous weekend (and still sort of hungover, ugh). And then I got home and opened my mail and found a letter from my bank. I used my check card three times last Saturday when my account was overdrawn. Stupid me. But that also meant 3 $30 fee charges. $90! It made me ill thinking about it. I'm kind of in a foul mood and am going to try begging and pleading, mixed with promises of never doing this again, with the bank tomorrow.

That wasn't so bad, after all.
Reunion has come and gone, but my hangover is here to stay. Seriously. It's quite pathetic. But...I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FUN REUNION WAS! Sure, I was anxious before, and it was awkward during, but everyone was so nice. Well, I can think of one who wasn't. But it was so much fun! I ended up staying out until 4 am with a few friends, and re-kindled friends, and a grad from the year behind me. Somehow, at around 3 a.m. I had one too many drinks, ended up taking a cab downtown to my old neighborhood in the east village, so my re-kindled friends could eat shwarma at a place that used to be a divey pizza shop. Hot!

But now it's 9pm, and I'm still at my parents' house, on dial up. I'm not sure when I'm going to be driving home, but I think it's going to happen tonight, if I could only manage to see straight. I really want to go to class tomorrow, and after sleeping all day, as might as well drive all night.

There's so much I want to say but I should really do some homework.

Update.
I did indeed get those movies. But with the movies on my desk, I did homework and made a few phone calls instead.

Actually had a meal and talked to my brother. It was tentative...it was our first attempt at conversation in about 2 years.

I love that my parents implore me to lose weight. I love that when I come home they try to shove as much food down my gullet as they can. Oh Chinese love.

I love that everyone thinks I'm Korean and that I'm from California. Seriously, in the last few days, everyone's like, oh are you going back to California for the holiday? Well, no, because my family is in NJ. Oh...I thought you were from California...and Korean. It's really weird. Why is my life so enignmatic that people can't get it straight?

Be back soon. I'll probably blog like 8 more times before I leave. Dial up be damned.

Blogging on dialup.
I'm home. And I just looked through my senior year high school yearbook. Oh, I am no longer even remotely looking forward to reunion. I was SO fat in high school.

I'm tempted to go to the video store and rent three movies for 10 dollars, as that is the deal they always run.

Then again, I'm staring at the pile of law school books I drove home and think that movies would be a bad distraction.

What to do?

Don't I deserve a few movies after driving home for like 7 hours?

A sign...?
I'm going through another phase of insecurity and self-doubt. I wake up after a night on the town and think about how I was a total idiot the night before. I say something in class and immediately think what I said added zero value to the world.

I think I've changed a lot in the last 1.5 years since I've started law school. On the one hand, I'm a lot more insecure, particularly lately. On the other hand, I'm a lot more aggressive. I say things and am sort of snippy with people where I think I was slightly gentler about it before. Or maybe I'm just as snippy and my insecurity makes me perceive myself as snippier. I also compare myself to other people a lot, which is never a good thing.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, about how I've changed, which is why I'm bringing it up now (again), tho' it's kind of late in the game. I think at the root of is law school dynamic, the competition, the constant sense of comparison. It's somehow needled its way into my persona and being and perceptions of self-worth.

Lobotomize me, and get it out! I want to be the old me!

Then again, maybe I should take a long hard read of this dirty ole thing and see if I really have changed in law school, or if it's law school just amplifying characteristics that have always been there. Perhaps a task for Thanksgiving, which starts as soon as my class gets out at 5:45!

I was walking towards school from the gym and was kind of in a foul mood because of the weather. And then I noticed these like 5 greyhound buses lined up at a corner. And then I thought about all the students that are traveling home this week, all the families that will be welcoming them home, feeding, pampering and loving their studious kids. (Although at this school, I think the kids tend to party more than study...) And I was overcome with a happy, warm feeling. I love Thanksgiving. All that food and family and tradition ... Although my family has no tradition, my mom has already told me that she's going to take care of me when I come home this weekend. Should offset the trauma of my TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. ACK!

Patrioticity.
Ever since I studied journalism in graduate school, I’ve been instilled with a generous serving of cynicism when it comes to the media. Yes, we have freedom of the press, but it’s false, I would say. When reporters aren’t being manipulated by spin doctors and press secretaries, they’re being manipulated by ad executives, pushing the newest toy, fad or movie in a synergistic tie with the mother company.

But what is freedom of the press but being able to say and publish these types of thoughts without fear of death or punishment?

On one of the first days of graduate school, a classmate of mine who is from Colombia asked, as we were discussing the publication of controversial or erroneous information, “You mean, you don’t have to worry about being killed?”

So as it comes upon Thanksgiving, I guess maybe my point should be that, even though things suck sometimes, and it’s not perfect or ideal, maybe it’s not that bad after all.

I like green.


John Negroponte, the founder of Wired magazine and the MIT Media Lab, went to the UN and proposed his plan to provide $100 hand-cranked green laptops to every kid in the world. (Read the Wired story or the CS Monitor story or get more images; the screen turns!)

The story is inspiring (even rural kids can have computers and wireless!), sad (umm, food and water first?), and farcical (a hand-cranked computer?! I can think of a few professors who could use one of those!).

Happy Weekend!

Pat Robertson should be tested for dementia.
He's a fucking cracker.

First he calls for Hugo Chavez's assasination.

Then he tells the town of Dover, PA, that it has rejected God b/c they voted out the school board members who were trying to introduce intellligent design.

First, how Christian is it to murder? FOR OIL!

And then, as if our kids aren't stupid enough, we have to start teaching them to answer unanswered scientific questions by saying, it was God. That'll really help us keep up with the world when it comes to scientific research and such.

And then have you heard of those two young twins who sing songs about white supremacy and essentially think Hitler was a hero? Oh man...

I'm a bum.
I can't get up for an 11 o'clock class. Sheesh.

Maybe I can get some input. I am thinking of getting a new cell phone. I can get a discount if I extend my contract for a year, which I was planning on doing - I'm not getting a new cell service, if at all, until I finish law school. So here's the new phone I'm eyeing, and I can get it for free: .

Whatcha think? My current phone is crap. I can't get reception if I'm standing next to a cell tower. And I don't like flip phones.

I sure do [heart] the rock climbing...
I love it. I love it, love it, love it. I love hanging out at the gym and encourage people, and conquer fears and challenges, and be challenged, and fail, but know that I can keep trying. Oh, it's great.

I was talking with some of my climbing partners, though, and asked, so, when you look at a 5.12 route, do you think, "YEAH! One day, I'm going to conquer that!"? And they said, "Of course! Don't you?" Umm, no.

I really don't. I don't set goals like that. I'm happy doing 5.8 and 5.9, and not really doing 5.9s so much as cheating on the way up. I just think, my body is my body, and I don't think I have the body of a woman who can climb 5.12s. I had similar concessions when I was really pursuing taekwondo. I'm NEVER going to fight middleweight, I will never be THAT fast, but I work with the strengths I have, and I try to improve myself that way. But in rock climbing, I think that means I'll never climb a 5.12. I could totally be wrong. I don't know enough about the sport and the people to really know, but I get a sense ...

I don't *think* I let these self-imposed limits get in my way. I mean, if I found myself mastering 5.11s, I don't think I'd stop just because I had somehow decided I would never do 5.12s. I think I set these goals out of realism, reserving the option to be surprised. Maybe I'm a pragmatist. Maybe I'm a realist. Maybe I'm a pessimist. Who knows. I'm pretty happy right now. Hell, I usually take up a hobby and drop it after a few months, and the fact that I've been doing this for about 8 months straight, I think that's a good sign. If only I could get back into taekwondo...

scary!

Scientists have discovered a t-rex-like crocodile. With teeth and fangs. They have nicknamed it Godzilla. It's scary! The article in the NY Times also mentions crocodiles with flippers and fins. Oh, evolution.

Also, the conclusion of Category 7 is on this weekend. Don't forget! :)

Nothing to say ... in a sense
I know that unlike most bloggers, I post news articles from newspapers and such, but do not comment on them. There are a few reasons I do this. One, I do not have the time to formulate a well-thought out, meaningful, persuasive commentary. (Are commentaries supposed to be persuasive?) Usually, I just devolve into a rant. And really, who wants to read that? They also take a lot of energy to write and I usually just end up feeling ... hopeless. B: I post certain articles here as part of the bigger blogger picture. The articles I post generally fit into one of a few overarching themes, and if you know me, or read me regularly, I think you will know what I think. I consider this entire blog as one entity, rather than each entry being separate. Is that too analytical for a freaking blog? I'll stop.

I think lately I've been questioning a lot of my friendships. I've, erm, dropped a few friends over the last six months or so. And I'm in the process of making new ones. I'm not sure that I'm necessarily getting closer to them. I think I'm just spreading myself out thinly so no one person or group can get too close, so I won't be hurt. Ahh, I might be giving my subconscious too much credit there. Dude, it's law school. These friendships are professional, in essence. I have no loyalty, haven't had enough time to develop loyalty, and don't have the energy to expend. If you hurt me, I'm going to bail. I'm too old and too busy to deal with that crap. In my free time, I do not want to be dealing with immaturity or insanity. Unless it's my own. Cuz that's a fun ride I can't get off. [A little disclaimer ... there are definitely friends I've made at law school that I'm going to keep forever. I think you know who you are.]

Oooh, me likey!


The new attempt at boxed wine, only in a tube. On sale in NYC, and served at some restaurant. More details in this New York Times article.

Also, this morning I noticed a lot more people looking at me than usual. Maybe being premenstrual makes me paranoid. But all I kept thinking the whole time on my commute to school was, is my fly unzipped, does my outfit clash horribly? What?! Not the best start to the day, but that's ok.

November 7, 2005
When Cleaner Air Is a Biblical Obligation
By MICHAEL JANOFSKY, New York Times

WASHINGTON, Nov. 6 - In their long and frustrated efforts pushing Congress to pass legislation on global warming, environmentalists are gaining a new ally.

With increasing vigor, evangelical groups that are part of the base of conservative support for leading Republicans are campaigning for laws that would reduce carbon dioxide emissions, which scientists have linked with global warming.

In the latest effort, the National Association of Evangelicals, a nonprofit organization that includes 45,000 churches serving 30 million people across the country, is circulating among its leaders the draft of a policy statement that would encourage lawmakers to pass legislation creating mandatory controls for carbon emissions.

Environmentalists rely on empirical evidence as their rationale for Congressional action, and many evangelicals further believe that protecting the planet from human activities that cause global warming is a values issue that fulfills Biblical teachings asking humans to be good stewards of the earth.

"Genesis 2:15," said Richard Cizik, the association's vice president for governmental affairs, citing a passage that serves as the justification for the effort: "The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it."

"We believe that we have a rightful responsibility for what the Bible itself challenges," Mr. Cizik said. "Working the land and caring for it go hand in hand. That's why I think, and say unapologetically, that we ought to be able to bring to the debate a new voice."

By themselves, environmental groups have made scant progress on global warming legislation in Congress, beyond a nonbinding Senate resolution last summer that recommends a program of mandatory controls on gases that cause global warming.

Officials with the Sierra Club and the Natural Resources Defense Council said they welcomed the added muscle evangelicals could bring to their cause. But they agreed that it remained uncertain how much difference it could make.

A major obstacle to any measure that would address global warming is Senator James M. Inhofe, an Oklahoma Republican who is chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee and an evangelical himself, but a skeptic of climate change caused by human activities.

Mr. Inhofe has led efforts to keep mandatory controls on greenhouse gases out of any emission reduction bill considered by his committee and has called human activities contributing to global warming "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people."

"You can always find in Scriptures a passage to misquote for almost anything," Mr. Inhofe said in an interview, dismissing the position of Mr. Cizik's association as "something very strange."

Mr. Inhofe said the vast majority of the nation's evangelical groups would oppose global warming legislation as inconsistent with a conservative agenda that also includes opposition to abortion rights and gay rights. He said the National Evangelical Association had been "led down a liberal path" by environmentalists and others who have convinced the group that issues like poverty and the environment are worth their efforts.

At the same time, Mr. Inhofe said he took the association's stance seriously because of the influence its leaders had on people who generally voted Republican. Evangelical groups including the Noah's Ark Foundation lobbied successfully in 1996 to block efforts by the House to weaken the Endangered Species Act.

Now known as the Noah Alliance, the group continues to work on environmental issues, along with groups like the Evangelical Environmental Network, which describes itself as a "biblically orthodox Christian" organization. It subscribes to a policy of "creation care," which it defines as "caring for all of God's creation by stopping and preventing activities that are harmful," like air and water pollution and species extinction.

Mr. Inhofe said many other evangelical organizations held opposing views on the environment. He cited a coalition of faith organizations, scientists and policy experts known as the Interfaith Council for Environmental Stewardship. The council formed in 2000 only to issue a statement of concerns that declared global warming problems caused by humans as only "speculative." A new version of the council is planning to organize shortly, and members are re-examining their stances.

A member of the original group's advisory committee, Michael Cromartie, vice president of the Ethics and Public Policy Center, a conservative group that studies moral issues and public policy, said more recent disputes among conservatives over global warming focused not on the science behind it but on ways to address it.

Mr. Cizik said the alliance's draft position on global warming was still under review by its leaders and would not be issued unless they voted unanimously to support it. If only a majority supports it, he said, it could be released as "an evangelical statement on climate change."

While he was reluctant to predict its potential political impact, he said, "I don't think there's a Republican running for the White House in 2008 who will not have to deal with the emergence of evangelicals on creation care."

John Green, a senior fellow for the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, said a policy statement from the National Alliance of Evangelicals could influence Congress. But the real test, he said, was whether the group's leaders could influence their congregants.

"It's still early in the process," he said of evangelical involvement in the environmental movement. "Among rank and file, evangelicals are as environmental as the rest of us. They're in favor of environmental protections, at least in principle."

On the other hand, he added, "they don't like environmentalists. They associate environmentalists with the Sierra Club and with people who have nontraditional religiosity. Alliance leaders have a real opportunity here, but the impediment is getting over the image of environmentalists."

Mr. Green said the full impact of the alliance position would not be known for several years. But if their support for global warming legislation increases, "then," he said, "Senator Inhofe is going to have to sit up and listen."

Odd
I got a rejection letter yesterday from a firm in California I didn't even apply to.

Weekend Update
My lack of blogging this week has not been attributed to any bad thing. It's not work that's stressing me out or killing me. It's not that I'm curled up in the fetal position in my bed, sucking my thumb and crying it out. Things are ... good. I've just been kind of busy and social.

Monday we had our last volleyball game for our co-ed team. We got solidly walloped. I also had some assignments due for my journal, so that took up a lot of my weekend. That was also the night I ran into the crush of the moment and had an awkward interaction, inspiring, I think, my last post. I'm still fucked up, but I'll live.

Tuesday I decided to bite the bullet and accept an offer. Enough of the indecision! So I did, and I went with the one where after the interview, I actually walked out and said, if I get an offer from them, I will take it. So I turned down the one ranked by Fortune as a top 100 place to work. And I turned down the one with the beautiful, energetic lobby and fabulous people. The firm I picked does not have much national prestige, nor offices in California, to facilitate my running away. But I'm really happy with my choice. So Tuesday night, a few friends and I went out and celebrated with martinis, margaritas and yummy pseudo-Mexican food.

Wednesday ... I don't remember Wednesday.

Thursday I went to the movies and saw Wallace and Gromit. Crackin' movie, folks! With two fabulous friends I wish I could see more often. There was also some beer and some pool and some "buffalo chips", and much movie candy. And then a great movie. Oh it was so much fun! The only criticism ... before the movie started, there was a movie short, produced by Dreamworks, but totally evoking Pixar. It was stupid. It also had the characters from Madagascar, which was retarded. But Wallace and Gromit was great. Oh so funny, so fun, reminded me of college, and it was just great. I also really enjoyed being able to see fingerprints on the characters' faces. Claymation is hot.

Last night, I hung out with a friend. He'd been smoking and drinking alone a lot, and so had I, so he said, we should get together and do those naughty activities together. So we did. And ate pizza, and watched Crash, and then got potato chips and smoked more cigarettes. Before that, though, I went to the gym for a swim, but managed only 20 minutes b/c my swim teacher on Thursday kicked our asses so much I was still tired. On the way back from getting a new towel, where I had a normal interaction with my crush (soon to be ex-crush, cuz having crushes on boys with girlfriends is bad news), I ran into this guy. We were looking at each other repeatedly, and then he was like, you look familiar. I was like, yeah ... and then we realized, hey, we were at this party, blah blah blah. I thought he was someone else, but then he was this other person I met at this other party. Anyways, after talking about the gym and how great it was he was like, so, I'm on facebook, are you? Umm, yeah, I am.

The point of my story is, did he just use facebook as ... something resembling a pickup line?

You know, I don't care how cheesy it was. He's cute. And I thought as much when I met him last April and invited him to my birthday party. If facebook is going to help facilitate anything, I'll take it!

Now, I'm about to go and take a field trip to a climbing gym north of the city.

And that was the update of the week. I hope you've made it this far. I had some interesting stories I wanted to tell during the week, but I seem to have forgotten them. But I'm glad that what free time I've gained from less work, I've managed to fit in more socializing. Yeay for friends! And booze!

something is amiss...but i don't know what
I am thoroughly convinced that yes, it is in fact me that is fucked up. Not boys. How many times do I have to go through the same twisted moronic dance before I own up to my issues? However many times it's been, I'm ready. Yes, I'm fucked up. I could say I need to grow up more, but there's only so much time before I essentially start ... growing down. Maybe 30. I'll aim for 30. By 30, I'll be perfection. Or something.

On top of that, I am withdrawing. Withdrawing from my friends, withdrawing from the norm. I am making different friends, new friends, initiating with old friends I don't normally see. I am incredibly unhappy, and it's making me edgy. (But somewhat productive. You wouldn't believe how much work I got done this weekend.)

A friend told me today that he is going to San Diego. The guy has never lived there, never worked there, yet he got an offer from a firm there. Lucky shit. Being an engineer helps, but besides that, I'm so jealous. But then again, I've been there and back again. The challenge for me is to stay in one place and deal with my life instead of running away from it. Stay the course.