church, and continuous posting
i've been doing pretty well. i've been posting every day for a week, i think! wow.
today i got my fat ass out of bed early and went to church before studying all day. for the first time in a long time, i have found a church i like. nothing freaky like people trying to speak in tongues, and no interpretive dance performances. i hate when people treat church as a stage for their unrealized dreams of becoming a rock star/interpretive dancer.

at the start of the service, the children's choir sang some christmas songs. that was kind of just what i needed. god reminding me that there are things greater in this world than my own pathetic problems. when i worked with kids every day, it was easy to be reminded of the joy of little ones. it's been a long time since i've had that reminder. when i'm around a baby, it's not that i want one, but it's this instant, shocking reminder of what is real and important. life is real. caring for others is real. my pathetic insecurities and trivial crushes are not real. i only let them overwhelm me, and i don't have to.

i remember in college, one of my biggest struggles was with my emotions. they would become so overpowering, that i'd be incapacitated. i wouldn't get out of bed for two days, sometimes it seemed. if i liked a guy, i'd eventually sink into the deepest of depressions that would make me question my own self-worth. it still happens a little bit. but i expect it now, and i don't let it overwhelm me. i don't wallow in those feelings, because while i acknowledge those feelings, i know they're not grounded in truth. it helps a little that i'm too busy to take two days off to wallow in front of the tv and eat mallomars. not that i've ever eaten a mallomar.

in other news, my neighbor knocked on my door. i didn't realize it was 2am and i had my music on really loud and i was singing along, quite obnoxiously. she was NOT happy.