Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
I can't find a picture, but Target was selling Christmas tree ornaments - balls that were filled with candy. I got two of the tootsie roll ones for the boy's mom because she loves them. They were $1 each and we gave them to her today.
I bought a few more things but nothing important. Honestly, the sales weren't that great, and the stores weren't that crowded. Except that one Wal-Mart in Long Island, apparently, where people were so crazed they broke down doors and crushed and killed an employee. A temp employee, nonetheless, contracted to work through a temp agency, so Wal-Mart probably isn't even liable for worker's comp. That was the least shocking part of the whole story. Alas.
You will also probably know that my romantic life is something they know very little about. Then again, I have had very little romantic life until now. I mean, I'm not exactly going to tell my parents about random hookups and what not.
Even if you don't know me, if you are reading this, you will probably understand that having dinner with the fam and with the boy tonight, all together, in one room, at the same restaurant, at the same table, sitting together, was kind of a big deal. BIG HUGE F'ING DEAL.
But look. I'm here blogging about it and haven't used any cuss words directed at anyone in particular.
It really wasn't that bad. I would even venture to say it was pretty good and even as we were parting ways, I pictured in my head doing it again. A second date, if you will.
The boy found the family to be pleasant. Granted, he hardly understood half the conversation because try as we might, it was mostly in Chinese. But there's something about him meeting my family and approving that makes me think, ok, fine, they're not that bad. They are good intentioned. They are generous. They were welcoming and it was almost as if the boy had to approve of them more than they had to approve of him. They were all this, on top of the racist, closed-minded, insanity. But it wasn't that bad.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
This is a picture from the LA Times of people cheering Prop 8 results. The picture does not indicate which results they were cheering, but given the results, I'm going to guess that these people are closed-minded, bigoted, fear- and hate-mongering, hypocritical, awful people who purport to believe in the same God as I, but are horribly, horribly wrong about that God.
My BFF and his HUSBAND are no longer married. Overnight. Like that. Taken away by these people who have no right to do such things. Taken away by miserable people whose own lives are probably unhappy so they must rain misery down on others.
If it were a certain time and if I were a certain type of person, i.e. more like them, I'd hunt these people down and kill them. That's how awful this is. I'd be happy with the ability to slap a few Californians upside the head right now. Unbelievable.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
So I started getting obsessed a little with the show and did a google search and came across this blog, written by Aunt Jodi's sister. Yes, I had thought it was weird that Aunt Jodi, who is Kate's sister-in-law, wasn't around anymore. Turns out, the production company offered to pay Aunt Jodi some money, but Kate didn't allow them, stating that no one could profit off her kids. The hitch is that Kate didn't allow anyone to tell Aunt Jodi about this. A few seasons later, the production company approached Aunt Jodi directly and offered money. She then found out about the prior offer, and again Kate asserted that no one could profit off her kids (except herself and Jon). And so Jodi's off the show.
I have decided to boycott the show. First of all, have I made it clear? Kate is a bitch and she's difficult to watch. I feel bad for the kids. She yells at them FOR BEING KIDS. Hey, Kate, kids are meant to get dirty. They will never again in their lives have so much fun and care so little about getting dirty, even if you weren't in their lives. Second, what a hypocrite!! I mean, all of a sudden Jon and Kate are rolling in money, getting plastic surgery and other cosmetic procedures done, taking vacations to Hawaii and the Outer Banks. Umm, where is this money coming from? Why not spread the wealth a little bit, spread the blessing. But no. Third, Kate's a bitch and she's hard to watch. She has a personal chef and people who do her laundry, and she bitches and moans about all the work. Fourth, it's a little scary. How do the cameras not affect the kids? Maddie, I'm sorry, she's a child, but she's spoiled and snarky and totally acts up for the cameras. Eew. Also, have I mentioned, Kate's a real bitch. And Jon ain't no wonder either.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Anyway, this fall weather is getting me sentimental for the summer. Not the hot, sticky, sweat-dripping-down-your-legs, suffocating-from-scent-of-hot-urine-in-the-subway-stations summer. But the it's-ok-to-skedaddle-from-work-at-2-to-beat-the-traffic-to-the-Cape summer. Not that I really went to the Cape that often. Just once. But I did go to Bar Harbor, West Palm Beach, the Outer Banks, the White Mountains of New Hampshire, NYC, and Montana. Not to mention a few trips down to Jersey, and a 100-mile bike ride across the Garden State. I think that covers it.
So I guess even though I'm no longer basking in the post-bar exam glow (and nightmares) by skedaddling myself all around the globe, I've had a pretty damn good summer.
I think it's time to hunker down this fall, stay in town, and drink lots of beer and eat lots of wings so that I can get some extra padding to keep me warm through the long New England winter.
Oh, wait, no. There's this thing called "winter camping" I'm supposed to discover. What the hell? How do you build a fire and roast s'mores in 14-feet of snow?!?!!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Look, I like cars as much as the next person. And I understand that we need oil until we can come up with a viable alternative. But to be so cavalier as to chant during the convention like that. Ugh.
The less shocking but equally disturbing thing I, as many have, observed, is this Republic hypocrisy. If Chelsea Clinton got knocked up, now, much less at 17, oh boy would the Republicans be having a field day. And in Palin's speech, I also observed the Republican tendency to point fingers, to sling mud, to twist the truth. No, Obama did not serve his country by joining the military. But then again, he was born and raised in an age when it was not as expected, nor was it as urgent. But that didn't stop him from serving the people. Sure, it was the people of Chicago, but they are part of humanity nonetheless. I don't think that should be discounted, just because he didn't grab a gun and go shoot Communists in Vietnam. And in Obama's speech, he also made a promise to cut taxes. Increased government spending? Hello, have you looked at the size of the deficit Bush is spending? Winning the war in Iraq? What about funneling some of that money to help the "working Americans" you were so busy touting up on that stage. So F you. And anyone who got caught up in that is an idiot. I don't like Republicans. There, I said it.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Well, when I finally got around to canceling my Tivo account, they talked me into getting an HD Tivo at a discount, with the same subscription plan I was on. And I bit.
Well, after it sat in the box for a few days after I brought it home, I finally got around to installing it. And I realized then, at 11pm at night, that the HD Tivo doesn't hook up to a cable box, but needs cable CARDS. So then I called Comcast the next day and one week later, the Comcast guy is currently sitting in my living room trying to get the EFFING thing to work. He got here very early (i.e. on time) and it's been two hours. He thinks it's a bad card. But really?! This is RIDICULOUS! Also, because he's going to take the box away, I don't get On Demand anymore. And while I hate Comcast, and the interface on its DVR (which they recently updated and is slightly less awful), On Demand was pretty freaking cool. I have passed many hours watching back episodes of N3mbers and CSI.
I think I regret my decision.
Monday, July 07, 2008
I really mean never. oh, there was that robe he bought me after I sent him the link and said, BUY THIS FOR ME. And the beer coozie he got me from the dollar store before vacation.
So, which is it?
And while we're pondering options here, am I unhappy because I work 12 hours a day, at least, or because my relationship is unsatisfying?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
But I am able to sit here and pour out my angst. Because you see, tonight, I told my mom that I had a boyfriend. And I know that when my dad got home 20 minutes later, she told him. I'd been avoiding talking to them for over a week because I knew that the next conversation we were going to have, I was going to tell them about the Boy. Why? Because my cousin is getting married in August in Montana and I want daddy-o to buy him a ticket so that he has to endure what I endured last week. Or a more twisted, dysfunctional version of last week. Perhaps. But again, that's for another time.
And now I'm sitting here all worked up. Why? I don't know. There was something about my mom's voice, the happiness, that I could hear her already naming my grandkids and thinking about what they look like and the toys she would buy them, etc etc. In fact, she even said that she might go to this wedding, despite the fact that she hates that whole side of the family. JUST TO MEET THE BOY. On the one hand I'm glad that I can bring my family together, on the other, I want to crawl under a rock (with the boy) and die. Or live together in ignorant, rock-covered bliss.
I think there's also this sense that I'm afraid of disappointing them. They get their hopes up, imagine their grandkids, and then one day, I'll have to tell them that it's over. This, of course, is completely me projecting my fears onto them, but reflecting off of me. Or something. Because I don't think they will worry about this. But I do. Not just because I don't want to disappoint them, but because I think a part of me is afraid that this relationship will end. And while there are some things that need improving, I love him and ugh the thought of even breaking up with him freaks me out. Which begs the question, why am I even thinking about that?
In other news, working until 7 has become the norm. In fact, leaving at 7 seems early.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
It was 4:30 at this point, and I saw my secretary putting on her jacket and getting ready to leave, as she usually does around this time. So I called the floor coordinator secretary who helps solve these types of overflow situations. She was out that day, I forgot, but after I explained to the floater secretary filling in for her exactly what I needed, she said, call Bob, because Bob was filling in for the floor coordinator. After explaining to Bob what I needed, he said, call the night secretary, Sue, at 5pm. At 5pm, I called the night secretary, and after explaining to HER what I needed, she said, call the copy center; they'll bring you one.
And they did. Quite quickly and efficiently.
Sometimes, I am surprised at how hard it is to get things done at work. You'd think we get all this money to get all sorts of stuff done, but really, we're completely inefficient and retarded.
Work has been SOOOO busy. Thankfully, I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow. Florida, then the Outer Banks.
Oh, and the Boy and I...the L word has officially been used. The first time was a few weeks ago. We're definitely much more comfortable with it now. We are so retarded, too. But at least no one pays us to live.
Monday, June 09, 2008
First, when the boy drives me to work. Sure, there's a bus that goes from across the street from his house to downtown, where I can take another bus or train (or two) to my office. But I do not hesitate to let him drive me to work. First of all, it cuts like an hour off my trip. Second of all, he's not a morning person. But these are just excuses.
The second area of my life where I do not think twice about the size of my carbon footprint is air conditioning. When it is 96 degrees, as it was today, I do not hesitate to run my air conditioner all night. It's awful. I'm an awful person. I will stop looking down on others for not recycling.
Another area of my sinfulness is my materialism. In the last several years, I have developed a very strong sense of materialism. Sure, it's always been there through my youth and even in my least material days (college? New Zealand?). But lately, especially as I've been earning (relatively) serious amounts of disposable income, it's gotten worse. Part of this materialism has been an appreciation for fine jewelry. I never really cared. I never really wanted. But now, I care and I want. A few years ago, my mom gave me this pearl earring / necklace / ring set. It was tacky as hell, except the necklace. But somehow, in the last year or so, the earrings have become more tasteful-looking to me. Unfortunately, somehow, I've lost one of the earrings. I don't know how. And it's eating me up. I need to remember, though, that it's just an earring. It won't last. And I view it more as a lesson of how not to be materialistic and to put value and worth in material objects. They all disappear one way or another. But while I can somehow take comfort in the lesson here, there is one thing I know - I will never tell my mom that I lost the earring.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
But I did get to make a phone call or two. One to my friend E in LA. Turns out, she's not deporting herself! She was going to take her green-card bearing Mexican boyfriend, his 14-year-old daughter, and jet off to her Singaporean homeland, his Mexican homeland, and China, to decide where they were going to settle their little international non-traditional family. She had set a date of June 30, but sometime between my last visit to LA and today, she decided not to do that. THANK GOD. Because of her indeterminate status, she would not be able to return for 10 years. Ack.
Now, instead of a whirlwind weekend to LA at the end of the month (red-eye out, red-eye back) the boy and I can plan a nice leisurely visit to LA. The boy! Yes! After weeks of constant fighting (mostly started by me) and one very long serious conversation (in which I told him that I talk to him and turn to him more than the BFF (gasp!)), I finally started to settle into our relationship. The thought of making long-distance plans no longer freaked me out. Looking into his eyes, I would feel that flutter in my stomach instead of a knot. And then last weekend, I dropped the L word. I think he was in L-territory long before I was, but he waited for me to say it. I guess. I don't know. It's not that big of a deal. I have loved him for a long time, but only recently have I fallen in love with him.
Another advantage of not having to jet off all whirlwind like to LA at the end of the month is that I'll finally get to sit on my ass in my apartment and maybe bake some bread and paint my bathroom. The boy and I have been traveling A LOT. Bar Harbor, Maine, last weekend, NJ, NH for the brother's college graduation. And then for Memorial Day weekend, the BFF and his BF came here and stayed with me. We went to Ptown for the day. It was lovely. Coming up, we have a weekend in Ptown for a friend's birthday, and then I jet off to FLA with school friends and then to NC with his paternal extended family. August I've got weddings and ... whew. I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Oh, NC. Yeah, the diet is not going so well. On the plus side, I think I am getting in better shape and I'm not putting on weight at a precipitous rate, but I don't think I'm getting into bikini territory. And I'm ok with that. As part of my plan, i was going to run a 5K this past weekend. But then I got slammed with work and I pulled my back, and it all went to pot. My back? Yeah. I did it first a long time ago and every now and again, I do it again. Usually it's not so bad, but this time, I did it at the gym and my trainer made me stretch. Then I slept in the boy's bed which is very floppy. And for days, I was not able to stand up straight and waddled through the hallways at work like a pregnant penguin. It was not pretty. I finally went to the doctor - the first time ever for this condition - and she gave me muscle relaxants. SWEET JESUS they are amazing. I don't think they actually make my muscles relaxed. I think they just put me to sleep so I don't care.
Work. Oh work. I was told I'm not in happy territory in terms of my billable hours. I don't really care. I mean, I kind of do, because when they put a goal in front of me, I like to strive for it. But I don't care b/c, while I like the work I'm doing, generally, it's not the type of work I went to law school to do. So I decided that after my year is up, I'm going to look for a new job. Not enough to quit my job before I find one, but enough to start looking.
And that's enough for now. I passed interesting several paragraphs ago.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I guess it's time to catch up on my blogging.
So this weekend, I was down in NY / NJ for the 5-Boro Bike Ride. I'm pretty sure it didn't help my cold, but it was totally worth it.
I guess that's it. Turns out, I may have to go into work because I just got an assignment. Ugh, my head is about to explode with snot.
Friday, May 02, 2008
See, I've been having issues with the Boy and his WoW. I want to support what he thinks he needs to do to relax. I want to support him vegging out, sitting around, doing nothing. But if it were just that, I'd probably be ok with it, except that he needs to get off his ass and exercise more. But no, he tells me he plays WoW with his "buddies". He uses it to keep in touch, as a substitute for "hanging out" since they're all over the world.
And I realize now that this bothers me because I don't want to play WoW and I don't think he wants me to play WoW, but if these "buddies" of his lived in New England and he hung out with them on a regular basis and NEVER invited me, I'd have serious problems. And this is basically what it's like. He's met most of my friends. I've invited him into almost every aspect of my life. (He hasn't attended a work thing yet, nor have I told my parents that I'm even dating him, but that's a complex blog for another day.)
This is why I kind of freak out and don't feel comfortable with this WoW thing. I also know for a fact that he doesn't play with just "buddies" but several women as well. And he's told me that he's not on WoW to be picked up or to pick up women, though this has happened to his friends. (And if you Google it, a lot of people seem to meet and date through this online RPGs.) And there are women (or a woman?) he has friendships with - close friendships - of which I can't be a part of without playing a game I have no interest in playing or forcing myself into some email / MySpace message chain or, geez louise, hacking into his MySpace account without him knowing.
(YES I KNOW I AM NOT TRUSTING, but this blog is not the place to be judged as it is where I spout my deepest darkest secrets, sometimes, and c'mon, look at my track record.)
Several weeks ago, in a drunken fit, I posted a comment on his MSpace page. I did it becuase he hadn't changed his - bear with me I know I'm pathetic - relationship status to "In a Relationship". This was significant b/c one or two weeks after we got back together, he had changed it on FBook without any prompt or mention of it from me. So I posted. And he changed his status. And then some girl defriended him. And he refriended her. Yes, it's definitely true that I have waaaaay too much time to kill on this damn site and on the internet in general. And in a way, I look for my own reasons not to trust. But I just ... feel so uneasy not knowing about ANY of these people that he spends so much time with. And is willing to forego seeing me for.
I guess we have something to talk about during our 6 hour car-ride back on Monday.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe it was reading her blogs about him, and the girl he cheated on her with, that motivated me. Reading about the familiar pain and the distrust, the anguish and the doubt. All of the same emotions that I experienced. Poor thing. She's not even 21 yet. (?!?!)
The new girl, I happen to know she left her husband. Maybe she left him for NY Boy. I'm not sure. But what a goon. I mean, grow a pair and break up with someone before seeing someone else. This is like three times, to my knowledge, that he's done with. Goon!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
In other medical inconveniences, I decided to skip the sugar pill a few weeks ago because I was going to be in NYC for my birthday sharing a hotel room with three people, etc. etc. Well, instead of getting my period that weekend in NYC, I've gotten my period for the last two weeks. Every time I think it stops, it starts up again.
I think the two problems are related. Either way, they're EXTREMELY inconvenient. But no, KS, I'm not pregnant.
Update on the bikini-mission: Things went pretty well last week. I even went for a 14-mile bike ride on Saturday with the boy as training for this weekend. Things sort of fell apart Saturday night at a birthday bbq, and then on Sunday, when I thought the gym closed later than 7. Otherwise on course. Now, if only I could actually find a nice bathing suit...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
But I'm aiming to do something this summer that I've never done before. That is, wear a bikini Stateside. Sure, I wore a bikini when I was five, and I wore a bikini this summer in Europe when I was traveling with my friend. But I have never worn a bikini as a non-toddler in the United States. And in June, I'm traveling to Florida and the Outer Banks with friends and the boy and his family, respectively. And I want to wear a bikini.
So I told this to my trainer today and I said, I'd like to lose about 10-20 pounds. He said, well, let's aim for 1.5 pounds a week; that gives you time to lose 12 before your trip. But if you follow these instructions, you will lose that much weight in three weeks. So what am I supposed to do?
1. Drink MORE, and I think he means LOTS of, water;
2. Engage in 30 minutes of continuous physical activity every day;
3. Eat more vegetables (not really a problem in my life);
4. Eat less carbs;
5. Stay away from fried foods (really only a problem b/c there are like 14 pubs on every street in this god-forsaken city); and
6. Give up alcohol.
FREEZE. GIVE UP ALCOHOL? Doesn't he know that I'm a lawyer?
Upon further consideration, I think this is a good idea. I don't necessarily like the way I am when I drink (too much). And they really are an enormous source of empty calories. But I like the celebration aspect of drinking, when it's a true celebration of a true event, and not just happy hour. So I'm going to do my best to follow all of the above, including number 6, but when I absolutely need to, I'm going to drink vodka and club soda. Ha!
Ugh, this is ridiculous.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
But I'm not sure this is a huge complaint of mine. I mean, any more than the things I normally complain about. Things are going really well and he's been really good. And we're having a good time. And when we do things, we do them. It's not like as soon as, let's say, we get to his place, he logs on and plays. Time with me is time with me.
Last night we were out at a bar with a bunch of people and I overheard him telling a friend that he wasn't in love with me.
I don't know.
It kind of made me sad, but when I wasn't under the influence of alcohol, I realized I'm ok with this. I'd rather he not be in love with me b/c that would seem kind of fast. The other thing is, I think I was only sad b/c I want him to like me more than I like him, and that's sort of twisted. I like him, I may be falling in love with him (again?), but the fact is, we're having a good time, we're getting to know each other, and I can't complain.
My birthday is coming up and I'm heading to NYC next weekend. Hooray!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
But winter feels like it's coming to an end. The days are getting longer, the clocks have been turned back, the thermometer is actually breaking fifty. On occasion. This is New England after all.
So work, yeah, work is busy. One of the partners I work for is a stereotype embodied in a caricature. "Stick it to the [insert anonymous governmental agency here]!" I've worked until 7 or 8 on a regular basis. I've stopped eating lunch with people. I'm a regular big-firm lawyer! Ack! I wish I could tell you about the pro bono cases I've been working on, too. Cuz those are interesting.
Things with the boy are good. Shockingly, scarily good. But here is a typical cycle of emotions: ehh, I don't know, I feel sort of indifferent; oh, but that was a REALLY good date, I think I really like him; hmm, he's being so attentive and open and sort of serious and into me; hmph, well he must be covering for some double life.
No, really. The other day, I was watching him play WOW cuz, yeah, he's just one of those guys. It's cool. He uses it to communicate and sort of hang out with his army buddies and other friends. OK, they're scattered all over the world, I sorta get it. But then I caught (saw?) someone sending him a message -- X loves you. And I kind of freaked out. I brought it up with him, and he answered me satisfactorily, and I think the whole issue brought us closer together, but I can't help falling back into this cycle of doubt and mistrust. Distrust?
I have no reason not to trust him except that he's a guy. And really it's all me with the baggage. He's been really, really good. It's me who's having independence issues, and not being able to handle (maturely) this expectation that we have to spend the weekends together. It's me who freaks out on him every once in a while. And he's been great. But I can't indulge myself too often. He's not going to stick around if I freak out like clockwork. At least, he shouldn't. And that's one of the things that I think I had realized while we were apart. As much as my feelings are valid, it's not fair of me to drag him around on my roller coaster. And in a way, it's almost beneficial to me that he is so emotionally sensitive, because it almost trains me not to indulge every emotion.
But the issue here really is trust.
Yesterday, he attended a WOW wedding. I will never get it. I don't know if I've ever played a video game that was real enough for me to want to recreate life events within it. Then again, while I'm internet-comfortable, I didn't grow up with it like kids these days. I don't know.
And so it goes.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The ex and I have gotten back together. Basically, we were already dating in the months we were sort of broken off. I can tell you what's changed, and I can tell you how I feel. But basically, we're just spending time together because we like to and we're still getting to know each other. And I think when we were dating, I wasn't fair to him because I'd prejudged him and he wasn't fair to me because he kept things to himself. We're trying. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself. My emotionalness. My possessiveness. And that's all I really want to say right now.
About everything. Really, I should write about how ridiculous law firm life is, and the case I'm working on. But I won't. Because I'll probably lose my job. :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Tonight, we watched Cloverfield, the movie. I'm still nauseous and not feeling right from it.
The BFF and I were super excited to watch this movie because it fits perfectly into our natural disaster movie theme. You see, during college, there was a spate of natural disaster movies ... Volcano, Dante's Peak, Armageddon, and Deep Impact. Followed, over the years, by such classics as Deep Blue Sea, Godzilla, The Core, Snakes on a Plane (yeah, loosely a natural disaster, but so fun!), The Day After Tomorrow...
Cloverfield seemed to fit our parameters. Earth, specifically NYC, gets attacked by unknown creature(s). We were so excited to see it together!
Well, turns out, we were also going to get sick together. Stupid handheld cameras.
One, in addition to watching these movies, we also rate them. We used to rate these movies and then plot them on an x-y graph - whereby the x-axis represented ridiculousness, and the y-axis represented seriousness (i.e. how seriously the movie took itself). Recently, we modified our rating system so that the values, ridiculousness and seriousness, were added and then represented on a bar graph. The highest cumulative points is the "best" movie. At least by our standards. Nothing can beat Dante's Peak, it seems.
Two, there were a smattering of "47" sightings in Cloverfield. There also seem to be 47 sightings in Alias and Lost, both JJ Abrams productions. There must be a connection to a P.C. alum out there somewhere... Oh, and JJ Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie. Hooray! The 47 connection comes full circle, perhaps.
I feel like I've written about these things before. Then again, my head and gut are still spinning, so who knows.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
First of all, no way does a professional hockey player take the T to practice. B, he's preaching to the choir, don't you think?
Some time later, I'm still waiting on the T platform and this nutjob says, now remember we've been waiting here a while, this is what liberal democrats call rapid transit. Some hapless kid goes, why. Because liberal democrats want you to ride public transportation and get out of your cars because cars mean freedom and libeal democats are against freedom.
I love public transportation. And I can't wait to vote tomorrow!!!
Friday, February 01, 2008
- Before going out, I actually OVEReat so my pants don't fall off.
- Even on the last hole on my belt, I can still wiggle the belt around and put my fist through it.
- I can put on almost all my pants without undoing the button and zipper.
- You can almost see definition in my belly.
So yeah, I've been losing weight. There was the unhealthy part when I broke up with the Ex, then there's this semi-healthy weight loss from working out and generally not eating so much because I'm not studying, but strapped to my desk at work. Unfortunately, all the clothes I bought at the start of the fall don't fit. That was a lot of money I spent. Now, I don't really have that much money to spend b/c I'm more interesting in my house and student loans have fully kicked in. Looks like I'm going to have to look like a bum for a bit longer... There are worse things that I could be worrying out. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
2. How old were you in 1989?
You do the math.
3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
I didn't have any toys. Just one game.
4. Did you watch Transformers?
Yes! More than meets the eye!
5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
No...I watched movies like Conan and Rambo.
6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Don't cross the beams!
9.What was your favorite toy?
I didn't have toys.
10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, I was too fat. Really.
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
All it took was paper, pen, free time, and a crush. Of course!
14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Yes! And I would look up at the clouds looking for them.
15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
17. Did you own a glo-worm?
18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
21. What was your first bike?
Pink and white with a banana seat, streamers out of the handles, a plastic basket, and one pedal. Yes, one pedal.
22. Name one thing you remember from your childhood?
Burning leaves in the backyard and getting in trouble.
23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yes, years after everyone else did.
24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I had lace gloves...
25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Nintendo, natch.
30. Did you play Pac-Man?
31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and the rockers?
Jem, because she was excitement.
32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man, then She-Ra.
33. What movie scared you the most?
Nightmare on Elm Street. Then there was that time I thought I was living in Halloween the movie when the power went out one Halloween...
34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Not very well.
So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.
The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.
But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).
So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.
And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
THat's all I can squeeze out tonight. It was our firm holiday party tonight. I'm drunk.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
No, he said, there's no chance. I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. And we fight. I'm easygoing and carefree, he said, and we fight. We fought more than I did with my other exes. And I didn't feel like I was in love with you after 4 or 5 months. And if that doesn't happen, I don't think it's worth it.
I met up with his ex who's my new bff, and she said, when we were talking when you guys first broke up, he seemed kinda sad that he couldn't love you. That you were worth loving, but he couldn't do it.
After he left, I was ok. I wasn't sad, I didn't cry. But I guess it's getting late and the day has worn on me, and now I'm sad and maybe crying a little as I'm writing this. Of course he didn't love me. He didn't know me, and seemed to have no desire to know me. And, I said, you seemed to have this thing where you thought you needed to change so much just to be in a relationship, and I wish you knew that you didn't need to, don't need to. I liked you for who you were, not for who you were trying to be. OK, he said, if you say so. And he wasn't carefree. He was emotional and moody and unable to deal with his feelings.
I just watched Cashmere Mafia, this new show on ABC. It's basically about four very powerful women in NYC. Powerful b/c of what they've achieved in their careers. And about the men who are basically second to them in money and power and, oftentimes, importance. One of the characters, we find out, knows her husband is having an affair and has had affairs in the past. And she lets it happen basically because she knows he's emasculated.
Even though I am by far not the model of worldly success, sometimes I think I emasculated him. And he couldn't handle it.
The thing is, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. And that's really what I'm understanding right now.
On with the dating. :-/
Thursday, January 03, 2008
I hosted NYE. It was good fun. I had coworkers and law school friends and random other friends all piled into my apartment. I gave them food, I gave them drinks, they brought some of their own of each, and I let them loose in my home. Oh, and onto my Wii as well. And they all seemed to get along swimmingly. So I hear, because I couldn't tell you first hand. I overindulged in champagne, and then I didn't stand still talking to one person for more than two minutes, and the night is a series of snippets of faces. Ah, the perils of being hostess.
But it really makes me very happy that everyone had a great time. I do wish I had better memories of the good times, but that's ok. Also, I feel weird that other people having a good time brings me so much satisfaction. I guess I take after my dad. But I kind of feel like I need to be more selfish. At least right now. The Ex's exes, the two that I've met, are all takers. Being around them, it's all about them. The Ex is kind of a taker, too, although he mopped my floor on Tuesday morning, and that's the kind of giving that warms the cockles of my heart. (Yeah, read between the lines.) Case and point - at my party, the Ex came up to me and asked whether his ex had hooked up with my friend, b/c they were flirting, etc. I kind of avoided answering, although he chose to draw his own conclusions. But when I told the Ex's ex, she said, see, I knew he was going to get jealous. I don't think it ever occurred to her to care about my reaction to it, given that it was me who most recently dated him, and it was me who was struggling with him. I think it was after this interaction that drove me to finding a new bottle of champagne and drinking out of it.
You know what really satisfies me, though? Casual, relatively uncommitted hookups. And then 6 nights a week, coming home to my apartment, or hanging out with my friends, without the hookupee. It makes me really happy. And that's frightening. Maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe I just need physical satisfaction and affection every once in a while, and then live the adventure that is my life. I don't know. I get so unstable and emotional when I like someone, when I was dating the Ex. I don't know.
It's 2008. Maybe I'll come closer to figuring it out this year.
Edit: Obviously, I'm selfish. I need to rewrite this. But I don't want to leave you with the impression that I'm selfless, b/c, well, far from it.