obsess with a capital o
during my last week in new zealand in march, i was driving around the country obsessing. about who said what and how, about a possible mistake even though it was such a healthy decision at the time. i'm kind of doing it again, only this time it's sad and it's closure.

so let me be direct. one of my guides on one of the many cool trips i took in new zealand is in canada rafting for the northern hemisphere summer. he said, if you're in the area, stop in. it turned out that my parents offered me a plane ticket to LA and in lieu of going there for reunion, which no one i knew was attending, i came here to seattle instead. i have friends here i love and who i haven't seen in a long time, and he was nearby so i thought, handy.

yeah, there was wah, i think. but i kind of shut down the wah because...well, for a lot of reasons ranging from the healthy (i knew getting involved would just make me crazy in the end) to not-so-healthy (i have this weird thing where i turn down perfectly nice people who ask me out...and then proceed to throw myself at them). well, we made arrangements for me to come, he even offered accomodation, but was tenting it at the rafting headquarters himself, but said i could join. that was several weeks ago. well, he disappeared off the email for nearly all of may, and then three weeks ago, i emailed him after he reappeared, to say, hey, can i stay with you after all? nothing. then the night before i left, the weekend before i was due in canuck-land, i sent another email. nothing. tuesday was my deadline, and i didn't hear anything from him, so i just said, screw it. i went to vancouver, went to whistler -- which i LOVED by the way. ooh it was so glorious there. i did this 7 hour hike up to this lake. it was a killer. and there was so much i haven't done. ride the gondola to the mountain, bike, watch the bikers at the bike park try and hurl themselves in all sorts of impossibly unhealthy trajectories. and this is just in the summer! there's the whole winter skiing scene, too! well, my little heart had been so set on going rafting with this dude that the thought of not going was kind of sad. so when i saw these rafters in the parking lot near the visitor center, i said, well hell, and went up to them and talked to them a wee bit. the next day, saturday, i booked a trip for today, sunday. and off i went to squamish to the c3 ranch to go rafting.

and that's how i found myself on the elaho river, in gritty glacial water at a brisk 6 degrees centigrade, clad in neoprene from neck to toes, (and wetsuits are none too flattering, mind you), face to sort of face with HIM. actually, i first noticed him as we pulled into the launch site. there's this full-size school bus -- we were riding the short bus ha ha ha ha ha! -- and he's on the rig in the back, adjusting straps. EEK! i said to myself. and i suddenly needed to look down and fix my booties.

i knew that running into him was a remote possibility. i mean, there were six rafting companies in the squamish-whistler area working three rivers, and the season hasn't really picked up yet. i intentionally picked one i DIDN'T think he worked for. but besides c3 running one raft of six, there was only one other raft on the river. from HIS company. and he was there as safety kayaker. so we manage to launch separately, since they were using our preferred launch we went a little downstream. they went ahead, we stayed behind. i thought all was good. i really really didn't want to see him and have to explain, uhh, yeah i'm not stalking you. but then...i didn't anticipate the JUMP.

it seems that good rafting trips all share some common features. one, you have to drive down dusty, bumpy logging roads to get to them. two, all guides are full of shit and like to fool clients with stupid stories of tree penguins and orcas swimming up glacial rivers to feed on seals that feed on salmon. and three, they mostly involve jumping off cliffs at some point. and there are rafts met, backed up at the jump. i am seriously laughing now at how hard i tried not to catch his eye. looking down, looking up, looking away, using the thin shaft of my paddle to hide behind. i figured the neoprene, helmet and giant lifejacket were pretty good camoflouge too. (i mean, i look like a whale in the getup. or is it an orca?)

i did the jump. a measly 15 feet, which is nothing after the 30-foot jump i did on the buller in new zealand. but while we were executing our acts of bravado (me and this other woman were the only ones to do it. we were also the ones sitting in the back, the dryest of the lot as everyone else in the front had already gotten drenched by the giant waves), the other raft went far far ahead. the last i saw of them, they were huddled on the beach eating their lunch. and HE, well, he had paddled down a little farther to pick up this piece of flotsam, so the last i saw of him HE was walking upriver with this twin mattress sized piece of foam bobbing up and down on top of his head.

i've been wracked with thoughts of, why didn't i just say hi? like i said, two people who met on the other side of the world, somewhat coincidentally on the same lonesome piece of river. couldn't i have put everything aside? no, i realize. because this trip wasn't about him. if anything, at some point, this trip became about forgetting him because he's an ass for not checking his email, not remember my visit, or intentionally blowing me off, if i must assume the worse. and just because he's a kiwi, rafts, kayaks, climbs, has a sweet accent, and is pretty cool, doesn't make it ok. he's still an ass! so this is closure. in a way. the best closure would be if he emailed me and i got to reject him by not writing back. but that's petty.

really, though, i'm excited about moving to boston. and lately, i've been contemplating giving this whole dating thing a try. i mean, really opening myself up to the risk. and i think getting this guy out of my system was like the last thing i needed. i don't want to be too grown up though. but i don't want to be reckless and frivolous and self-preserving, all at the same time, with my crushes and emotions. and i do this by liking/obsessing over IMPOSSIBLE men.

i'm scared. i'm really truly scared. of the amount of studying i'm going to have to do, of the amount of responsibility i'm looking for with my career goals, of not being able to run away when i fuck things up, and of not fucking things up nearly on purpose before i run away.

so that's that. are you still reading this, kev? :)