boozed up
i know alcohol is a depressant. and i had a lot of alcohol yesterday. so i should be depressed, and kind of hungover. and i'm both. actually, both set in last night and i haven't been able to shake it this morning. last night it was one of those nights where i had to fall asleep in front of the t.v. why am i depressed? probably for no good reason at all. who knows. i got to hang out with some new people yesterday. i wonder where all my self-confidence went. i used to wake up in the morning and be like, oh last night was so fun, remember when this happened and that happened, and i said that? now i'm like, ugh, why did i drink so much, i could have been studying and i bet this person thinks i'm an asshole because i did this and said that. where has all my self-confidence gone? i think i used to have some. in grad school? in new zealand? it's definitely dissipated this last year, whatever meager amount i had managed to acquire. did it disappear as i was pulling all those all nighters, watching itty bitty skinny somewhat pretty girls whore it up at the club? or maybe i used it to fight all those colds i had teaching the little ones how to kick and do forms, so they could get into good colleges? or maybe living with my parents for a year drained me of any ability to be happy and content and confident in what i have, because there is always something better, always something higher to reach for, more money to make, another milestone (like a husband) to achieve.

maybe it's just my lack of exercise talking. the swimming pool has been having some "chemical problems" and i haven't been swimming in weeks. sounds scary. i picture people in gas masks in there. i picture the poor person who found out the pool was having chemical problems covered in 2nd degree burns from head to toe. ick.