thought we could all (i guess that's me and my readership of 1) use a happy picture. this is somewhere along the coast of the coromandel peninsula in new zealand. happier times, happier place (at least for me). i remember driving to the tip of the peninsula. the last several miles were on unpaved roads. yet there were people who lived out there, and there was even a hostel out there. but i camped. set up my wee tent at a campsite on the beach. it was glorious. fell asleep and awoke to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. it was scary, though, because with all the flaps closed, it sounded like the water was washing up inches away. but it wasn't. it stayed at the same place all night, give or take a few feet what with the tides and all. ahh, i have been so garrulous as of late. please forgive.  

overflowing
my brain is full. i am blogging compulsively because my head is too full of thoughts and i can't do anything except watch tv to drown everything else out and blog to let some of this out as some sort of e-therapy.

in more banal news, i have another blog. i think this might be my third or fourth. there are probably more out there that i don't actually use. like, i have a xanga account, but have never posted there. so the new blog is at livejournal. what i like about it is the lock feature. you can keep people out. which ... well, if i had done that when i started this blog ... ahh, no regrets. anyway, as i have only one friend on livejournal -- so i can read her locked messages -- i'm not worried and am going to spill my guts in the most (even more) intimate detail. this one will seem as dry as a law text in comparison. mwah ha ha!

blergh
i think i've hit the wall. i don't know how to grieve anymore. i don't know what to do. grief makes me miserable. not grieving makes me feel guilty which makes me feel miserable. can't win. and none of it helps ANYONE.

addendum to the anything post
i do so love hanging out at the gym and relaxing and not worrying about studying. but ... if it's inevitable, i have to say, i'm looking forward to the start of school. i have that same anticipatory giddy feeling in my chest that i used to have when i was a kid. maybe it's just the potential of new pens and clean notebooks and new textbooks that gets me excited. of course, in college, that feeling usually faded after a few weeks when i fell very very behind on my reading. but that wasn't the case in my first year law school. maybe my schoolgirl crush is making me feel like a schoolgirl and making me forget that i actually go to law school. aka hell school. aka sink or swim school. ahh, i remember college. i don't think i turned a single paper in on time in college. there is no such nurturing in law school, but i'm also old enough to not need it. and anyways, i don't take notes by hand anymore, so i don't that school supplies are really what's exciting. maybe it is just the prospect of learning. i am learning this summer, but antitrust doesn't turn me on as much as, say, environmental policy or family law. ooooh. maybe it's just the structure i'm looking forward to. maybe i'm just lonely and can't wait to see all the familiar faces again. nah, that's probably not it. maybe i just want to haze and scare the bejeezus out of the incoming class. heh heh.

the anything post
i'm kinda tired of seeing that last post on here, so lemme just fill this space with some words, something, anything.

i went rock climbing at the gym today with a friend who hasn't been in several weeks. she was having some trouble overcoming her fear and getting to the top. while it's perfectly ok not to make it to the top, it's hard not to have that goal in mind when, well, it's right there. but today, she was ab-fab and made it to the top on three separate occasions. i was amazed. it wasn't just like she took one step forward from where she was last time; it was an improvement by leaps and bounds.

i was pretty stoked, too, because i did this overhang climb that i had some trouble with the last time i did it. but today, easy peasy, went right up it. i amazed even myself.

i love climbing. i love spending three to four hours at the gym not worrying about work or studying. i love our new gym. it's still so shiny and new and, because it's summer, rather underutilized. except the pool. sometimes, at the pool, total chaos. no one knows which way to swim, or even common, basic courtesy. oh well.

so ... moltmannian reminded me of this thing called the wayback machine which, i guess, crawls through websites and archives them for posterity's sake. it was thus i found an old blog and spent the better part of the morning reading someone's old blog that is no longer accessible through the original server. (again, i call it due diligence thank you very much.)

my blog continues to be self-involved, selfish, inane and makes me sound rather dumb at times. i don't really care. beats writing about the profundity of a dying parent every week.

mortality part the second
my friend's father died in a motorcycle accident in a state that is very far away from home. he was on a vacation/road trip. i think there was a deer involved. i haven't really gotten the details because my friend didn't have the details because her mother was far too emotional to tell her. the father. he was a character. he had a very large presence. i think he terrorized a lot of us growing up b/c he was quite intimidating, but i remember spending a lot of time at this friend's house and her father was, while intimidating and loud, also quite welcoming of me into his home. he was also very influential. not in a wordly powerful sense, but i think my friend takes after him in a lot of ways. his presence will be missed greatly.

one of the last times i talked to him -- well, i was in the car with my friend and he was on the phone with her -- he laid out my life. he's a laywer. he likes to quiz me on torts -- well, he did once and ever since then, i feel like i have to brush up on my law knowledge just to be around him. he says i should be a freelance memo writer. then i could live anywhere and work whenever, but still make enough bucks to have a house in the mountains by a lake. it was funny that he got a good sense of my personality/lifestyle/desires.

he is a big part of my friend's life. she says he calls every day. he called even while he was on this ill-fated road trip. he helped my friend out a lot when she moved here last summer. and i think that's going to be really tough -- my friend is independent enough, but her father really helped her take care of things. guided her a lot. in addition to missing his presence and his being, i think this is going to be a big step for her in terms of entering adulthood. i think she's really going to have to step up and fill his role in a way for her mother and younger brother, and that's going to make it even harder.

my friend, she said the last thing she talked about with her father was how she was bored at jury duty. i like that. i don't know how she feels about it, but i like that her last conversation with her father was ordinary and mundane. it wasn't a fight, but you also can't expect to profess your undying love and affection at every phone call. i think he knew she loves him. and i think she knows he loves her.

while she was getting ready to go to the airport this morning, she decided to wear the jewelry he had bought her. she put the precious stones on her ears, her finger and her wrist. it was so sad. a visible sign of mourning. a visible sign of what she has lost. not to say that all her dad was good for was for buying her jewels, but ... i don't know, i think it has to do with the whole adulthood thing. her father is never going to buy her another piece of jewelry again. she's going to have to do that herself. growing up. really. this is going to be the second funeral in two weeks. i don't like these reminders of reality, of growing up. i know tragic car accidents aren't necessarily signs of aging, but the loss of a parent ... i don't know. this isn't about me. but i'm kind of in shock. i'm afraid that in a week from now, the saying that tragedy happens in threes is going to come true. maybe i should go call my parents.

the four beers and 3 rounds of pool post
just got home from the bar. well, i got home about an hour ago and have spent a significant portion of the last hour stalking a boy on the internet. i'm feeling sort of warm and fuzzy inside from a new burgeoning crush. unfortunately, i have verified my suspicions and discovered that the new boy is 20 years old. twenty three wasn't young enough; we're moving down the line. well, i knew this was going to happen considering where i see the boy. twenty is actually older than i guessed. why do i like him? sure, he's cute. and i've discovered lots of things tonight -- it's called due diligence, not e-stalking, thank you very much -- that make me think i'd like him even more. but that wasn't what made me like him. what it was was that spark, that moment when he noticed me. made me feel noticed and attractive. is that how love starts or do i have it all mixed up and convoluted? i worry sometimes that everything i see in the world is screwed up by my own issues. by my own desire to be loved and to love. that i get everything wrong b/c of my desires, desires that are rooted in sin and brokenness. i don't know. i have forgotten what it is like to be god-centered and healthy...or at least pursuing health. emotional health. mental health. physical health?

in better news, at least, i was at the bar tonight with the now ex-crush. i'm over him. but golly gee i sure do enjoy hanging around him. well, that's good, b/c we're friends, and i enjoy it. he's really a great guy. fun. smart. interesting. teaches me lots of things about things i don't know -- like soccer. and he's taught me some pool. uhh...who's the physics major in this scenario? me, but i know fuck all about top spin.

shuttle launch
i'm watching the pre-launch cable news coverage. i confess, it's bringing tears to my eyes. the pictures of the fanfare as the astronauts walked towards the shuttle. the lost astronauts from the last mission. and even the lost challenger astronauts, which i watched happen live in third grade. and something about humans going to space -- looking up, looking forward. being above all the CRAP that's going on here. for a moment, we can forget about the death and dying in the middle east. for a moment, we can unite as a nation, maybe even as a world, over just how amazing it is to overcome earth's gravity. here we go ...

more taste, just as filling
the taste test continues. last week, i picked up a balance bar, yogurt honey peanut flavor. this one was different. the consistency was smoother -- more like a traditional power bar than a granola bar or all the energy bars out there today. instead of crunchies, it was one smooth consistency. i don't know if this had anything to do with the fact that for three days, in 100-degree weather, i carried the damn thing in the bottom of a very heavy bag. it was pretty good. there were still some small crunchies blended into the bar, and they kinda stuck to my teeth, but because the crunchies were small, it wasn't that bad. i kinda liked this one. not as good as luna, but up there for sure.

mortality
my friend's dad had a heart attack last week. his brain did not have oxygen for 10 minutes. the EEG results showed no brain activity. he does seem to be breathing, but there is some talk of machine-turning off this weekend.

how do you go on living life, thinking about camping and school in the face of life and death things like this? the living should go on living, but it's hard to fight off the feeling of inanity and inconsequence that seem to flood in at times like this. or when people have near-death car accidents. or after a terrorist attack. you can't think about it all the time, because then you'd have to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb. but it feels weird to laugh and be happy, to plan good times, to think of good times, to worry about the trivial, because then you remember the suffering, and then you feel guilty.

somehow, i guess you must find the middle ground, to encapsulate those feelings and use them for good, somewhere between being incapacitated from grief and being heartless and not caring. maybe realize that life is short and God can take you or your loved ones at any time. to go to bed at night with all your relationships tidy -- no outstanding apologies to make, not forgetting to tell others how much you love and appreciate them. to realize that some things aren't worth the effort, but others totally are, even if it's a losing battle.

digital cable
i've been spending my free time and my not so free time perusing my unwatched digital cable channels. these are in the 200+ range. among the ones i have: fsc, fittv, sundance, and science channel. (apparently, i just have every iteration of discovery channel.) i was watching a special on telescopes. it's very weird to see your former coworkers on tv.

blergh
journal notifications came out today.

how do you ask without being nosy or rubbing it in or making yourself vulnerable?

me? soccer?
it finally happened. after weeks of avoiding playing soccer by being out of town and generally finding anything else to do, i finally played today. hey, it was kind of fun. i'm sunburned, and i'm awful, and i was hit in the groin three times, but it was kind of fun. i love being active and physical.

i also rode my bike today for the second time ever -- even though i've owned the thing for about a year. riding bikes in this city is sort of deadly, or so i thought. today, i verified my suspicions. holy crap. there's this intersection between my apartment and school where these two major roads merge. oh god. it was scary. people were actually laughing at me. well, i was laughing at myself, too!

last to know!
uhh, where the hell have i been? maybe the nhl lockout has been droning on for so freaking long, i stopped checking to see how things were going. but while i wasn't looking, the league and the players' association finally agreed "in principle" on a new CBA. yippee! it needs to be ratified, but people seem to act as if that was just a formality. game on. well, in october. but game on.

now i can see what hockey is like in a sort of real hockey town! this isn't detroit or edmonton, but it's no LA either (home of dodger fans, who leave games 40 minutes early to avoid traffic).

taste test
although i love luna bars, i don't get to trader joe's that often. so the taste test continues.

powerbar harvest dipped double chocolate flavor
ok. better than odwalla but no luna! i kind of thought this particular bar was like a dessert/candy bar b/c it was dipped in chocolate. the crispity crunchity things were a little soggy but didn't stick in the teeth like the odwalla bars did.

clif bar black cherry almond
by the makers of luna! (i think.) i liked it. i like the luna bars just a smidge better, but this was pretty good. i couldn't really tell you the difference between the luna and clif bars at this juncture, but maybe one day i'll do a taste test.

in sum: luna > clif > powerbar harvest > odwalla

...

so maybe for swimming i burn more calories than jogging. i certainly swim for longer. but i just ran on the treadmill -- 2 miles, about 20-something minutes. i'm no runner. i've always hated it and i've never been very good at it, but i thought a little cross-training would be good for me. but according to the machine, i burned under 300 calories during my workout. one of these energy bars is 250 calories. i know working out raises your metabolism, and i don't eat these things before running, but c'mon! losing weight is a cruel cruel activity. i don't even think i'm losing weight. i'm maintaining, so i can enjoy lots of beer without busting out of my clothes.

friday
went out with some friends and played some pool. while i was getting change for the table, i made friends with some middle aged men who had just gotten out of the baseball game around the corner. thankfully they weren't in a fighting spirit as the home team lost to the all-time-rival team. it was nice making friends with strangers. i love talking to strangers. i think i also kind of like talking to middle-aged men. maybe it just makes me feel young ... and kind of attractive. maybe that's why i'm going to the midnight harry potter release party at b&n. "to pick up single dads" i say with a laugh. am i kidding? maybe not. but really i am b/c i don't really pick up men. i just have crushes on them and obsess about them. like gym boy. oh gym boy. he works at the gym. he's cute; some might say 'hot'. but he's probably 18. and in reality, i'm probably going to the harry potter release so i can get the harry potter book and start reading it as soon as i get home. forget uncle tom's cabin. no one else in Book Club East is reading it either!

i can't believe the summer is half over! my real summer plans haven't even started yet. next weekend i go camping, then to p-town, then in august i'm off to LA for five days. yeay! then hit the books. blergh.

last night, while kind of buzzed (b/c who plays pool without beer?), i sent off my resume for some minority job fair. yes, i'm a minority. but that's not the point . . . i think i'm starting to flirt with the dark side -- big firm law. argh! not corporate law. but working at a big firm.

if you add up all the money i've made in my entire life, since i started working at 16 or so, i don't think i've made more than like $70,000. I could nearly double that in one year working at a big firm. or even a mid-sized firm. is that ridiculous? yes. and while my dream going into law school was to save the world, i don't think i can handle paying off my debt working for barely $40K (if i'm lucky) and sustain myself at the same time. i don't want to sell out, but i'm quite torn. right now, i'm only concerned about next summer, as all this job recruiting stuff is for our 2L summer. but ... i feel like once i get a foot in, there may be no coming back. am i just fooling myself when i say i'm only going to do it for a few years to pay off debt and to get some street cred before working for some big environmental group? maybe i WANT to sell out so i can get a nice apartment and buy pretty things. bah! it's friday. a gloriously beautiful day and i have much work to do.

celebration!
our kickball team finally won its first game!! the post-game social was very very cheerful! wheeeeeee!

i also reffed the game before ours. it was such a gloriously sunny day i had such a hard time focusing. like, keeping track of how many outs, strikes, etc. and i did make one close call -- i think i got it right but the team on the wrong side of that call was none-too-pleased.

yeay for kickball! next up: scooter games?!

.
once upon a time, in a former, distant, nearly forgotten life, i traveled the world and spent the night in a cozy hostel along the new zealand coastline with three fellow travelers. we drank lots of wine and shared life stories and had an empirically good time. one of those nights that remind you why you live out of a suitcase, go into debt, risk deep-vein-thrombosis. because four souls come together and bond and have the purest of conversation -- despite the wine.

that night long ago, one of those fellow travelers told me i should study "space law." you know, when countries fight over who owns mars, i'll be the one to settle the dispute, or at least have something to say as a talking head on CNN. space law would be a natural blend of my past and current studies.

perhaps there's a career out there for me after all. from the guardian:

Why were the Americans allowed to smash that comet?

David Adam
Thursday July 7, 2005
The Guardian

It's not just Nasa, any citizen of Earth can do pretty much what they like to the millions of celestial bodies whizzing about over our heads. Who says? The Office for Outer Space Affairs of the United Nations.

According to this UN office, Nasa's act of cosmic vandalism, when it crashed a space probe into comet Tempel 1 on Monday, was perfectly legitimate. Which is probably bad news for Marina Bai, the Russian astrologer who tried to sue the agency for "barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe".

Hans Haubold, an astrophysicist at the UN, says that as long as nuclear material isn't involved and that the mission has a scientific basis, then under space treaties set out in the 1960s, pretty much anything goes. You can land on, poke about with and chop bits off anything in outer space you like.

"They don't have to get permission but they do inform us that missions will be undertaken," Haubold says, adding: "But you cannot claim territory on celestial objects."

Haubold says the office has yet to adjudicate on a dispute, adding: "Outer space is a pretty peaceful place I can assure you."

clickity click, bloggity blog
i learned on another website that Yahooooooo! just came out with its own search engine. here is what that aforementioned other website (http://mattschuh.blogs.com) said:

it seems Yahoo finally got the idea, as they now have a new feature: Yahoo search. In fairness it looks pretty good, but strangely it reminds me of some other site I've visited. I can't put my finger on it, but if anybody recognizes a search engine that uses such a simple interface, I'd really appreciate if you could refer me to it. Those Yahoo people, they are cutting-edge.

well, i clicked and then had a very hearty prolonged chuckle. ok, now go ahead. click it. you'll see.

synergy
i tried to go without music on the T. but after finals, i went and bought a mini b/c i was about to go ballistic riding the T. i didn't want to be disconnected from my fellow users of public transport, but after listening to one too many inane conversations, i needed my headphones to drown the crap out so i wouldn't go postal.

if the radio worked underground on the T, i would listen to NPR on my commute. NPR rules. i would totally get disconnected from inanity to be connected with the rest of the world, via NPR.

i think my problems have been solved. PODCASTS! i can download NPR programs -- e.g. on the media and science friday -- and listen to them on my iPod! yeay!

no title
i found out over the weekend that a classmate was in a pretty gnarly car accident. she was thrown from the car and had to have surgery on her aorta. she seems to be stable now. i don't really know too many details.

it's weird because i know this girl, we say hi to each other in the hallway, and we're both around school for the summer working for professors. yet, i'm not close enough with this girl that i need to go to the hospital and hold vigil. there's a weird balance of concern for her and getting on with my own life. and showing concern without being fake.

i guess this doesn't really matter. i have her and her family in my prayers. this accident isn't about me; it's about her and her getting better. but this blog is about me, so that's what i talk about.

i think it's also weird b/c this is the closest i've been to someone in a car accident, or any kind of accident. i guess i've been pretty lucky in that respect -- then again, maybe it's my friends and family who are the lucky ones. so i guess the accident is a harsh reminder of mortality and fate. it's hard to stay grounded when it feels like your performance on a 3-hour exam is life or death. but when you see or come in contact with real life and death . . .