Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Just A Survey, Because I've Been Reduced to That

1.How old were you in 1980?
3 y.o.

2. How old were you in 1989?
You do the math.

3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
I didn't have any toys. Just one game.

4. Did you watch Transformers?
Yes! More than meets the eye!

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
No...I watched movies like Conan and Rambo.

6. Did you own a Lite Bright?

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?

8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Don't cross the beams!

9.What was your favorite toy?
I didn't have toys.

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, I was too fat. Really.

11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?

13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
All it took was paper, pen, free time, and a crush. Of course!

14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Yes! And I would look up at the clouds looking for them.

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?

16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?

17. Did you own a glo-worm?

18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?

19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Oh, both.

20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
PERM. Ick.

21. What was your first bike?
Pink and white with a banana seat, streamers out of the handles, a plastic basket, and one pedal. Yes, one pedal.

22. Name one thing you remember from your childhood?
Burning leaves in the backyard and getting in trouble.

23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yes, years after everyone else did.

24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I had lace gloves...

25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?

26. Did you watch Miami Vice?

27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?

28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?

29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Nintendo, natch.

30. Did you play Pac-Man?

31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and the rockers?
Jem, because she was excitement.

32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man, then She-Ra.

33. What movie scared you the most?
Nightmare on Elm Street. Then there was that time I thought I was living in Halloween the movie when the power went out one Halloween...

34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Not very well.

Tying Up A Few Loose Ends

So about the girl. At dinner, the same dinner where we were disucssing politics, she made it a point to say that my name, and the name of another girl, were were not on the bar examiners website. She was like, your firms must not have processed your paperwork and paid your fees. I checked your names. Yes, helpful and informative, perhaps. But then again, it was said with that same condescending tone like, your firms aren't that great. And it reeked of jealousy, despite her attempts to cover it up with the inadequacy of our employers. If my friend who is employed at a large firm and I were the types of people who rubbed it in others' faces or looked down at anyone who didn't work at a big firm, then maybe I could have understood that attitude. But I can confidently say that we are not.

So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.

The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.

But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).

So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.

And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


There is this girl I hang out with. I'm pretty sure that if we didn't have mutual friends, we would never see each other. (never mind that when she housesat for me, she ran my electric bill up 4x what i normally ran it up.) My point is that a few days ago, at dinner, we were having a discussion about politics. It was a very uninformed conversation. Her opinions were paramount, and anyone who had any other opinion didn't count. ("I like Richardson." "Well, he's not going to win, so who cares about him.") So then I changed the subject. Oh, did you see the pics of Britney?? The conversation was just getting too divisive. And she, really, was being too much of a bitch.

THat's all I can squeeze out tonight. It was our firm holiday party tonight. I'm drunk.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Not My Proudest Moment

Confession time. The Ex and I have been seeing each other pretty regularly since about Thanksgiving. It was purely physical. For a while. And then I found that I wasn't that excited for a possible date. And then I found that I was looking around at a lot of good looking straight men, and I wasn't interested. Never mind that it's not really right for me to be dating guys while I'm still hooking up with my ex. So we decided to cut it off. But the closure that I needed was to hear that there was no chance for us again. Even though I didn't necessarily think it was a good idea, there's this thing in me, this need to keep trying until I know I can't. This inability to move on. This problem of living in the past. Sometimes, I think that if my college ex showed up in my life somehow, I'd get back together with him, too.

No, he said, there's no chance. I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. And we fight. I'm easygoing and carefree, he said, and we fight. We fought more than I did with my other exes. And I didn't feel like I was in love with you after 4 or 5 months. And if that doesn't happen, I don't think it's worth it.

I met up with his ex who's my new bff, and she said, when we were talking when you guys first broke up, he seemed kinda sad that he couldn't love you. That you were worth loving, but he couldn't do it.

After he left, I was ok. I wasn't sad, I didn't cry. But I guess it's getting late and the day has worn on me, and now I'm sad and maybe crying a little as I'm writing this. Of course he didn't love me. He didn't know me, and seemed to have no desire to know me. And, I said, you seemed to have this thing where you thought you needed to change so much just to be in a relationship, and I wish you knew that you didn't need to, don't need to. I liked you for who you were, not for who you were trying to be. OK, he said, if you say so. And he wasn't carefree. He was emotional and moody and unable to deal with his feelings.

I just watched Cashmere Mafia, this new show on ABC. It's basically about four very powerful women in NYC. Powerful b/c of what they've achieved in their careers. And about the men who are basically second to them in money and power and, oftentimes, importance. One of the characters, we find out, knows her husband is having an affair and has had affairs in the past. And she lets it happen basically because she knows he's emasculated.

Even though I am by far not the model of worldly success, sometimes I think I emasculated him. And he couldn't handle it.

The thing is, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. And that's really what I'm understanding right now.

On with the dating. :-/

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Happy New Year!

"You have great friends." I do, I really do.

I hosted NYE. It was good fun. I had coworkers and law school friends and random other friends all piled into my apartment. I gave them food, I gave them drinks, they brought some of their own of each, and I let them loose in my home. Oh, and onto my Wii as well. And they all seemed to get along swimmingly. So I hear, because I couldn't tell you first hand. I overindulged in champagne, and then I didn't stand still talking to one person for more than two minutes, and the night is a series of snippets of faces. Ah, the perils of being hostess.

But it really makes me very happy that everyone had a great time. I do wish I had better memories of the good times, but that's ok. Also, I feel weird that other people having a good time brings me so much satisfaction. I guess I take after my dad. But I kind of feel like I need to be more selfish. At least right now. The Ex's exes, the two that I've met, are all takers. Being around them, it's all about them. The Ex is kind of a taker, too, although he mopped my floor on Tuesday morning, and that's the kind of giving that warms the cockles of my heart. (Yeah, read between the lines.) Case and point - at my party, the Ex came up to me and asked whether his ex had hooked up with my friend, b/c they were flirting, etc. I kind of avoided answering, although he chose to draw his own conclusions. But when I told the Ex's ex, she said, see, I knew he was going to get jealous. I don't think it ever occurred to her to care about my reaction to it, given that it was me who most recently dated him, and it was me who was struggling with him. I think it was after this interaction that drove me to finding a new bottle of champagne and drinking out of it.

You know what really satisfies me, though? Casual, relatively uncommitted hookups. And then 6 nights a week, coming home to my apartment, or hanging out with my friends, without the hookupee. It makes me really happy. And that's frightening. Maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe I just need physical satisfaction and affection every once in a while, and then live the adventure that is my life. I don't know. I get so unstable and emotional when I like someone, when I was dating the Ex. I don't know.

It's 2008. Maybe I'll come closer to figuring it out this year.

Edit: Obviously, I'm selfish. I need to rewrite this. But I don't want to leave you with the impression that I'm selfless, b/c, well, far from it.