I am tired of moving. Like a planet (but not Pluto), constantly in motion, circling, always moving, never arriving.
"So in search of love and laughter I am traveling 'cross this land."
I've found laughter, I've found love in old friends, but I've also found ... resolution? Closure? Almost. Perhaps tomorrow. I was hanging onto hope more than I should have been. I realize that now. Still, to take the high road. I think I need to so destroy things that they are irrecoverable. Then I will know for sure. I was so able to be myself with him, but at the same time, I lost myself. I have learned so much. I will take this knowledge and experience and apply them somewhere better.
I promise that this is the last post about the Boy. Because after one last conversation, the Boy will be a non-issue. I know what I need to say, I just need to say it. You can smack me upside the head. I probably deserve it, but not as much as you fear.
I'm also ridiculously close to accepting the offer. In fact, earlier tonight, if it weren't a weekend, I probably would have called and accepted. I realized I was thinking about the future in packets too large. Three years, five years. The thing is, I know I have one more year here and then I will make myself stay one more. Because I can't think of myself being anywhere for three to five years. And I must remember that when I started law school, one of the challenges was to stay put for three years. Here I am at the end of year two, itching to go, to move my orbit elsewhere.* NO MORE! I have to stop running away from my life. I need to fix my life. I need to find happiness where I am. I once went to an astrologer who said that I can make a home wherever I go. I know that to be truth. So the things that make me unhappy, I think they will always make me unhappy. And if in one year I find that this is not the case, then I will up and move. It's easier as a lateral anyway.
* Err, I'm mixing my own metaphors.
So, I'm recruiting people to tell me all the positive things about Boston. I would appreciate any comments.
I will begin:
1) Its proximity to the Cape. OK, maybe cheating, but I am in love with the Cape right now.
2) Going to shows at the Paradise. Shows sell out, but with enough foreplanning, I can catch great bands in a great, intimate venue.
3) A new church I'm excited about joining and participating in and attending this year.
4) Slightly more manageable traffic.
5) Distance from my parents. Tonight, my dad asked me if I could ask the firm I worked for this summer to handle a matter for him. The ultimate UGH.
6) More reasonable work hours requirements.
7) The hottest, nicest, most awesomest group of gay men I've ever met. And there are always more to meet.
8) This so counts as its own: Last night, walking home from the bar with my male friend, this homeless man exclaimed, "Damn you have a fine woman! I wish I could get me a woman like that! You must be a great man to get that kind of woman." My friend turned around and said, "Thanks." HAHAHA! Way better than the "you're kind of pretty" pick up line.
9) OK, gimme more time and more firm tickets, and I, too, will be a baseball fan.
10) It'll be easier to incorporate more sailing into my life. There's nothing like the feel of the wind whipping through your hair on even the haziest of summer evenings.
OK, I think that's a good start. A nice round list of ten. And I think that's enough blog vomiting for one night. Bed!