Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sorely Overdue, I Know

Between work being busier and dating The Boy (again) and the dragging on of winter, it feels like I hardly have enough time to poop. It's a good thing that between being busier and dating the boy and the dragging on of winter, I don't really need to poop. No, I haven't been feeling that great.

But winter feels like it's coming to an end. The days are getting longer, the clocks have been turned back, the thermometer is actually breaking fifty. On occasion. This is New England after all.

So work, yeah, work is busy. One of the partners I work for is a stereotype embodied in a caricature. "Stick it to the [insert anonymous governmental agency here]!" I've worked until 7 or 8 on a regular basis. I've stopped eating lunch with people. I'm a regular big-firm lawyer! Ack! I wish I could tell you about the pro bono cases I've been working on, too. Cuz those are interesting.

Things with the boy are good. Shockingly, scarily good. But here is a typical cycle of emotions: ehh, I don't know, I feel sort of indifferent; oh, but that was a REALLY good date, I think I really like him; hmm, he's being so attentive and open and sort of serious and into me; hmph, well he must be covering for some double life.

No, really. The other day, I was watching him play WOW cuz, yeah, he's just one of those guys. It's cool. He uses it to communicate and sort of hang out with his army buddies and other friends. OK, they're scattered all over the world, I sorta get it. But then I caught (saw?) someone sending him a message -- X loves you. And I kind of freaked out. I brought it up with him, and he answered me satisfactorily, and I think the whole issue brought us closer together, but I can't help falling back into this cycle of doubt and mistrust. Distrust?

I have no reason not to trust him except that he's a guy. And really it's all me with the baggage. He's been really, really good. It's me who's having independence issues, and not being able to handle (maturely) this expectation that we have to spend the weekends together. It's me who freaks out on him every once in a while. And he's been great. But I can't indulge myself too often. He's not going to stick around if I freak out like clockwork. At least, he shouldn't. And that's one of the things that I think I had realized while we were apart. As much as my feelings are valid, it's not fair of me to drag him around on my roller coaster. And in a way, it's almost beneficial to me that he is so emotionally sensitive, because it almost trains me not to indulge every emotion.

But the issue here really is trust.

Yesterday, he attended a WOW wedding. I will never get it. I don't know if I've ever played a video game that was real enough for me to want to recreate life events within it. Then again, while I'm internet-comfortable, I didn't grow up with it like kids these days. I don't know.

And so it goes.