ramblings and revelations part the 47th
you should visit my friend at her blog.
a friend also referred me to this blog written by a pretty brave, sexy chic.

but enough about other women. onto me...
in recent weeks, i developed a crush on a boy at school, acted like i was 14 again, fell in love, planned my future, and had my heart broken. okay, not really, but my crushes get pretty intense. like my heart is 6 dates ahead of where the actual relationship is. tonight i had a chance to go out with the boy in a small group, drink some beer, get a buzz, share some dirt, put my hand on his arm. but did he show? nope. but i learned some stuff about him. let me sum it up:

HE IS EXACTLY LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS I HAVE BEEN WITH IN RECENT TIMES.

shall i explain? well, it goes beyond the age. it seems that every man i've been with my ENTIRE life has been in the range of 20-22 years old. it's just me that changes. when i was 18, i was with a 22 year old. when i was 25, i was with a 21 year old...followed shortly by a 20 year old. i'm 27 now and the first guy i have a crush on at high school...err, law school...he's 22. a pass-through. never lived on his own, just graduated from some little sheltered college in the middle of nowhere, i've never paid my own electricity bill and i'm going to live on pasta and bread for three years until i can afford pizza every night kind of guy. at least seemingly so. i'm not making a value judgment. i've been there too, but that was five years ago for me.

i can think of other guys who had a similar mentality. they liked me. they were attracted to me. but i played second fiddle to basketball, martial arts...even marijuana. maybe that was fun when i was 23. i'm 27 now, and i'm not exactly looking to settle down tomorrow, but i don't want to waste emotional energy on ... a void.

part of me is in mourning -- of course, to be expected, because that's the way my emotions run. part of me is freaked that i can unconsciously repeat behaviors with such predictability. part of me, the part that gets me into trouble, thinks i can be the girl to save him. of course i can't. i know that. i just gotta let that thought sink into my heart. it just takes a while to get down there.