Tuesday, December 31, 2002

more directness
so it turns out that he's not bringing his ex-girlfriend to the party. he's bringing this girl he has been seeing since around thanksgiving, shortly after he hooked up with me that first time. if it had ended there, it would have been fine. but the fact is he hooked up with me again and i had no idea he was seeing this other person and was into her. i have been dicked over, disrespected, treated as less than human, flat out lied to, and hurt. and he knows it, though i don't think he really understands exactly what he has done. and the thing is, i feel dirty because i was unknowingly complicit as a third. i never thought i would be in that situation.

i guess in the end, this isn't all that surprising. he is going to be a lawyer one day, after all.

Monday, December 30, 2002

things i'm going to miss, in no particular order
1.) drinking coffee, reading the paper and having the breakfast specials at veselka
2.) standing at the end of my street and seeing all the lights strung from the stores
3.) walking down the street with my head flung back and my mouth wide open, looking at the tall buildings and lights
4.) mcsorley's old ale house and tommy, who always gets me a table
5.) you
6.) the subway, even though it smells and never runs right and the workers almost striked
7.) 24-hour delis, even though my waistline might be better off
8.) the nyu taekwondo team (the page is horribly out of date)
9.) my itty bitty car
9a.) driving on the right side of the road
9b.) cars with steering wheels on the left side of the car
9c.) driving
10.) being able to call friends at any moment; the time difference will be prohibitive
11.) 110V current
12.) my dsl connection
13.) mom's cooking
14.) paquito's burritos
15.) the new season of the dead zone, a television show
16.) working
17.) my apartment, or having an apartment; little miss from short hills is living in a hostel for a few weeks
18.) my cell phone
19.) being within driving distance of camp glen spey
20.) the kids i tutor for citysquash, the most kick-ass squash/enrichment program in nyc
21.) we are scientists shows
22.) eastern standard time
23.) north longitude
24.) american journalism

things i'm not going to miss, in no particular order
1.) homework and all nighters
2.) american self-righteousness
3.) george w. bush
4.) my baggage, and i mean that in the figurative sense
5.) my family...ok, just my brothers
6.) dog shit on the sidewalks
7.) the lack of view ... i'll be just blocks from the beach
8.) american accents
9.) american guinness
10.) the cost of living in nyc
11.) mice in my apartment
12.) winter
13.) paper money -- money down under is made out of plastic, no joke
14.) crowded subways
15.) pushy crowds
16.) radio stations -- why do they all suck in nyc?
17.) paying the electricity bill
18.) american journalism

my statement of purpose
it only seems logical to go to the roots of my new zealand expedition. where did this all start?, the more curious may ask. some of you may not ask because you either don't care or already know. so i guess you can skip the rest of this entry.

in may, i got the opportunity to travel to australia and new zealand during the short break between spring semester and summer session. a friend of mine who i have known since i was 14 or so, her mom, virginia, works for the girl scout council of bergen county. i actually met my friend at girl scout camp. anyhow, virginia's husband is a travel agent and two years ago, he organized a trip to china for people affiliated with the council, or people who were invited by people affiliated with the council. this year, the trip was to australia and new zealand and because my parents failed to take me to asia over the winter break, they agreed to finance my voyage down under. so off little spoiled i went with alanna and a group of senior citizens, save some who merely qualified as middle-aged.

first of all, the trip was a wonderful vacation after an incredibly stressful semester of being broken in as a journalist and reporter. maybe my mindset was conducive to me being swept away by another culture or country. but that's what happened. i found australia to be laid back like a small town but sophisticated and cosmopolitan, almost like new york. my theory is that it comes from the significance of tourism to their economy. the influx of foreigners makes people more aware of the world as compared with, say, your ho-dunk farmer from iowa. the aussies, though, were super nice and friendly and interested and interesting. and the price of a night of hard-core drinking in sydney wouldn't even buy me three drinks in new york city.

and off we went to new zealand.

for whatever reason, the people i met in new zealand were not as universally friendly as in australia, although there were a few notable exceptions. but the scenery was GORGEOUS. the fiords and mountains and oceans...it was amazing.

and then i had no more clean underwear, my suitcase was full of souvenirs, and i was ready to come home, and come home i did, to a very busy, frantic summer. the entire time, i dreamed of australia and new zealand (and m****...) and i started browsing the internet. i thought about beginning the emigration process and going to university there to become a teacher and then teach there, because teaching has always been a desire of mine, but i thought that was kind of drastic. and then i found adventure education, which offers a 18-week course that in scuba diving, kayaking, whitewater rafting and ropes. except for the scuba, i either have done or want to do all of those! (i went scuba diving on the great barrier reef and it kind of made me nauseous. doesn't bode well.) and since i never studied abroad, and this seemed a good way to figure out if i want to emigrate to new zealand (or australia), and avoid the real working world some more.

so off i'm going.

now mind you, this semester, as i've been facing the reality of actually moving to new zealand for five months, i've definitely gotten off the emigration kick. new york city is still the awesomest place in the world and i've met far more interesting and varied people here than anywhere else. (though they aren't always nicer.) and i've spent significant time and energy and effort and emotional investment in making wonderful friends in the states and it seems a shame to leave them. and since all of us emigrating over there seems sort of unlikely, i'm pretty sure i'll be coming back to the states, though nyc isn't necessarily where i'll end up.

part the second
there's more. i have been emailing with an old camp counselor of mine, someone i met when i was nine years old or so. and she's been incredibly encouraging, especially as anxiety has set in. and i wrote to her: I think most, if not all, of my adventurous spirit comes from my experiences at camp. Camp taught me to go out and learn and experience new things. It taught me to bite the bullet even when scared because it's not going to hurt that much if I fall.

i've been going to or working at this camp nearly all the way through since the summer after fourth grade; the place is really important to be me because of the place and the people i met there have been crucial in making me the person i am today, most of which i am happy with. my confidence, my adventurous spirit, my belief that i can do just about anything, my appreciation for the outdoors, my belief that there actually are good people out there (though this belief has been tested recently) and on and on.

and there is a song, perfect for acoustic guitar and campfires, that a counselor from the camp wrote (her name was lefty and the year was 1976, i think). it's called "on the loose" and i want to share the lyrics here with you as part of this entry because it perfectly embodies the yearning in me for travel, adventure, and friendship.

on the loose
have you ever seen the sunrise
turn the sky completely red?
have you slept beneath the moon and stars
a pine bough for your head?
do you sit and talk with friends
though not a word is ever said?
then you’re just like me and you’ve been on the loose

on the loose to climb a mountain
on the loose where I am free
on the loose to live my life
the way I think my life should be
for I’ve only got a moment
and the whole world yet to see
I’ll be looking for tomorrow on the loose

there’s a trail that I’ll be hiking
just to see where it might go
many places yet to visit
many people yet to know
so in following my dreams
I will live and I will grow
on a trail that’s waiting out there on the loose

so in search of love and laughter
I am traveling cross this land
never sure of where I’m going
for I haven’t any plans
so in time when you are ready
come and join me take my hand
and together we’ll share life out on the loose

Sunday, December 29, 2002

out of the murky waters
there comes a time, i think we all experience once in a while, when we wake up and realize we have been walking around, living life in a fog. getting confused about things, not making rational, healthy and sane decisions as we once were. i had that moment tonight. i have realized that for the last four months i have been living in a fog, a fog of drinking and boys and i have no idea what else. i lost all sense of what was important and valuable to me, of what was truth and what was not. i made decisions not based on universal truth and goodness but on irrationality and emotion and, sometimes, lust. while i feel as if i have wasted the last four months of my life, i know that in an instant i can change all that and strive to be back where i was. it doesn't take much; just a realization and a word.

in less oblique terms, i mean God. i have been living a very sinful and decadent semester, riding high on my own laurels and trusting in earthly things. whereas i know the truth and the truth is light and good and unconditional love of a kind that we rarely show each other. where i once considered God and Godly things in my rationale, they have been lost as of late. and boys and friends got in the way, mostly boys. this realization doesn't make the boy factor less painful, but it does make it bearable and hopeful. because the straight truth is this: a guy i kind of liked, at least i thought i liked and pursued pretty seriously, may be coming to a new year's eve party -- he's flying in from pittsburgh -- that a mutual friend of ours is throwing. i think this boy is coming with his ex-girlfriend. i think, and my friends concur, that this is bad form. i think it's completely disrespectful of me and my feelings, but mostly of me as a human being he has been fooling around with. who at one point i thought was into me, was giving all the signals that led me and my friends who witnessed it to believe this. yes it's true that i'm leaving the country for five months, that i came on kind of strong and his puny 22-year-old self can't handle me. that i may have been kind of intense. but irregardless, inherently and objectively speaking, bringing his ex-girlfriend to a party i rsvp'ed for two weeks before he did, via evite, when he originally wasn't even going to go is just BAD FORM. BAD FORM DUDE.

tomorrow i will call him and tell him, instead of just through an oblique email. because only good comes out of honest communication, in the end. and i will ask him if my hunch is accurate. and if it is, i will tell him that this is hurtful to me, that i will do my best to be a good person, better than he is obviously capable of being, but no guarantees because this is hurtful and we will all be drinking as it is a new year's celebration. while i would have loved to take the low road and bump him and harass him and tell her everything, i won't, because i have seen the light again and the light is Good.

Saturday, December 28, 2002

last night i tagged along with a friend who was going out with a bunch of pals from high school. they were partying to send off one of the gang who was a marine and is shipping out to iraq tomorrow. just met the guy but bought him a drink. because he's protecting our country. sure, i may not agree with bush and his policy and his warmongering. but the guy was just some skinny kid from westchester who is going to bust his ass out there. and the least i could do was buy him a drink.

really lets me put things in perspective, too. who cares about dopey 22 year old guys who don't know what they're doing with chicks and who are pretty bad in bed. who cares about my anxiety over going to new zealand. really. perspective, folks.

I NEED TO PACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is much too much packing that needs to go on. Pack up my NYC apartment; pack up my house in NJ for my parents are moving AGAIN for the 2nd time in 8 months or something; pack bags to go to New Zealand. And I tell you, the coordination of this is very difficult.

On an unrelated note, I hate people who stand right outside the front door of my apartment building and smoke because I only live on the third floor. I hate the smell of filtered cigarettes -- filtered as in through a wall. Blech.

Happy New Year, everyone! Perhaps I will turn into a pumpkin at midnight and all this will go away.

Friday, December 27, 2002

cloned baby?
The Raelians claim they have cloned a baby that has been brought to term and been born, as reported in this ny times article.

Religious Sect Says It Will Announce the First Cloned Baby

A religious sect that contends that space travelers created the human race by cloning themselves said yesterday that it would announce today that the first cloned human baby had been born.

A representative of the group, the Raƫlians, said the announcement would be made at a news conference in Florida by Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, who directs a Bahamian company formed to clone humans and is scientific director of the sect. Dr. Boisselier's spokeswoman, Nadine Gary, would give out little information but said the baby had been born by Caesarean section and was a clone of the woman who gave birth to her. Neither mother nor child will be at the news conference "for medical reasons," Ms. Gary said.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

it's real
looking at my visa, i realize it's real. i'm doing it. wow.

Monday, December 23, 2002

I GOT MY VISA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she says, as she wipes the nervous sweat off her brow.
with compliments, they said, on the note included inside.
for-fucking-finally. i'm such a slacker.
i guess i'm going. no backing out...here we go...geronimoooooooooooooooooooo!!!

am i nuts?
from my best friend in response to the above question:

You are totally nuts...but not at all in a bad way. Here's my impression: you're the most intense, passionate person I know...and that's awesome...that's a huge part of what makes you who you are. Because of that, when you like someone, you REALLY like them. (The reverse is also true...think V. H.) You move way faster than they do, and you throw yourself into a relationship with a whole lot more intensity than they do. It's almost like you're speaking different languages, or different dialects, at least. So what happens is that they're moving all slow and just hanging around to see how things play out, but you tend to put gobs and gobs of meaning into everything they do (or don't do). The answer: you need someone just as passionate as you. None of this is bad, it's just the way it is.

Someday, you're going to find someone who loves you a lot. Probably not as much as I love you ( ;) ), but still a lot. :)


Sunday, December 22, 2002

i dreamt last night that i had a huge party, even bigger than my going away party. and famous people were there, like britney spears, who i was friendly with even tho' i don't care for her. when her music came on, we all danced and yelled and had joy and mirth. but when a justin timberlake song came on, everyone booed and said, change it! and justin was over there, i could see him through the people swirling around me, and he looked hurt and dismayed and sad. kind of odd. b/c i'd much rather get on justin timberlake's good side than britney's, if i had to choose.
i had a realization today while talking with a friend that i want to share with you. this is kind of emotional, but please indulge me. eh, you already are if you are visiting this site.

the last day or two i've been doing a lot better in terms of having my emotions under control, a little more rational (not for long), just closing the new york chapter, ready to start the new zealand chapter, perhaps to reopen the new york chapter a few months from now. before then, however, i was clinging to my new york chapter with everything, not realizing that people don't necessarily think like i. so while i was trying fiercely to have everyone i know be everywhere at every moment, i didn't see how other people could not be like that. i'm not being greedy or selfish or clingy or anything. well, maybe a little clingy. but i feel like my time is so short i just want everyone there all the time. can you understand that? does this make any sense?

Ethiopia has one of the world's largest populations infected with H.I.V. and AIDS. The number of AIDS orphans in Ethiopia is estimated at a million, most of whom end up living on the streets.

''This is the most devastating pandemic to sweep the earth for many centuries,'' says Dr. Mark Rosenberg, executive director of the Atlanta-based Task Force for Child Survival and Development. He compares the moral imperative to stop the epidemic in Africa, Asia and South America to the era of the Holocaust and imagines that future generations will ask, ''What did you do to help?''

from the nytimes magazine article: What Will Become of Africa's AIDS Orphans?
hip and cultured
went to see baz luhrmann's production of la boheme tonight.
1.) opera makes me sleepy but cultured.
2.) i have never seen a broadway show so soon after it's opening. it opened on dec. 8. my friend and i got our tickets a few days ago.
i liked it. i think opera sort of grows on you but it wasn't so bad.

in other news, i played squash today for the first time! ha! i wasn't that bad, all things considered, but i did have to play in my socks because i didn't have "white soled shoes" and i totally bit it. ha! i think i hit my head on the ground too. haven't fallen like that in ages. since i started taekwondo...hmm, i sense a theme here. it was fun. i love those kids.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

memo to you:
new york city (EST) is at Greenwich Mean Time - 5 hours
new zealand is at GMT + 13 hours

in other words, new zealand is six hours earlier, but the next day. e.g. if it's noon on monday in new york, it's six a.m. in new zealand, but on tuesday. get it? got it? good.

Friday, December 20, 2002

thankfully we're strangers
i am such a head case. i am surprised i have any friends because did i tell you that i am such a head case?! i have intense feelings and then for a moment i don't have them so then i doubt my feelings. i feel guilty about having feelings, about having bad feelings, as if i should make them stop. with a switch. i have feelings that incapacitate me. the worst part about it is i am having all those feelings right now.

he is so near. just 40 blocks south, 5 blocks west. so near, so far. he is done. i want to hug him and congratulate him. i fear he tires of me. it doesn't even matter because i'm going away. but for that reason i want every moment possible. but he says that is not possible because there are others tonight who are more important. and i understand that. but it sucks. so i'm at work and i can't write but that's what they pay me to do so what am i doing at work?

and last night i went out with the Oher, the one i have been interested in from the first moment near the water cooler in august. i'm not sure he is even into girls. but even with alcohol and four months of growing desire, i couldn't because he is the Oher which means there is a not-Oher who i am more devoted to in some sick, i'm about to leave the country for five months and we barely know each other and you're rejecting me even though i don't think you want to, kind of way.

i'm such a head case.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

an email never sent
I have had a lot of thoughts going through my head, and a lot of different emotions. It's not so much that I'm suppressing them, I think now, but that I'm experiencing a lot of them, and don't know how to digest them and deal with them. I doubt and wonder a lot. A LOT. And I often try to rationalize and explain away things, but that doesn't always work, because I'm still left with feelings. I think too much. Sometimes I need to see not just the safety net before I jump off a cliff, but also the backup net, the emergency crew, and all my friends and loved ones standing there, gazing up at me, hoping and expecting the best for me.
not to be confused with C.S. Lewis' Four Loves
there are different ways we feel affirmed, i have been told, and you are probably aware of. some feel loved when they are served, when people do little or big favors for them. some are loved through gifts, big or small. i feel loved when i am touched. so when you consider physical intimacy in the context of romance, i'm doubly screwed.

i will never, ever be the type of person who can just say, eh, it's just physical, it's just fun. this doesn't mean anything, tomorrow i'll kick him out and never see him again. yes, i have done it, in situations i know are totally safe (i.e. off the continental 48). but when i try to do it with someone i may potentially be interested in, it totally screws me up. yet i always seem to do it when i'm about to leave. i don't know if i'm just trying to recreate a safe situation where i can't fall in love, or where it won't get serious, or what. all i know is i hurt inside. there's this dull ache. it's familiar to me. i've had it before. and i hate it. why can't i just embrace it? because i hate it.
twice in two days now i have shed tears over leaving. i have to confess it's not just about leaving america, but it's related to people. i always do this to myself. i think i like being miserable. at least my actions seem to indicate that as truth.

get smart or something. arts & letters daily has been revived, has been for some time now. check it out.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

finally, again
mailed off my passport to the n.z. embassy in washington, dc, for my visa, again. i hope i got it right this time. take good care of it, usps.

oh god they're trying to kill me. the renovations next door are almost done but they're waxing the new wood floors and the fumes are seeping into my apartment and are slowly killing off my brain cells. and after all the drinking i've been doing, i don't really have many to spare, oh my.
an emotional fit
my party was just downright amazing. i had so much fun, and i think a lot of other people did too. although it did turn into a big makeout fest for a lot of different people, including my 18-year-old cousin. on the one hand, leaving for new zealand is making me really emotional. on the other, i think i'm shutting down some feelings, not really letting them happen, lest it get too out of control. like it did for a moment last night. i had a fit. i cried and cried and cried. yes, a specific incidence started it, but i cried and cried and cried like i haven't cried in a long time. but that is what i get for the decisions i make. i seriously complicated my life, very recently. and i should have accepted it. but it's amazing the way something that would otherwise be shameful is redeemed by a little fondness, a little "like". i hate games. i wish people would just be honest. i wish we could all just sit down and say, hey, this is TRUTH. but i know for me, insecurity makes me reluctant to extend myself. i need someone to stand there with open arms before i will step out and say, yes, i like you. but again, there's the befuddlement so do i really want to step out? urgh.
i couldn't figure out why there were large green stains on my sheets, the sheets i slept on saturday night. i just realized tonight they were from me! yes, everyone wrote on me with a green sharpie and the oils in my skin made the marker kind of run and be unpermanent. and they ended up rubbing off onto my white sheets. tee hee.

in more important news, i spoke with a representative from the n.z. embassy in our nation's capital and as long as i get all the paperwork in the overnight mail by wednesday, all should be good. so i can go after all. although right now i'm having a bit of an emotional fit over going. but i can't not go, not because of the adventure and life experiences and money paid i'd be missing out on. but because...i don't know...

this is getting far too emotional for this blog. bye.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

hey thanks everyone for coming to my party. i'm so glad you came to party with me and celebrate and just be with me. i was kind of frazzled, so i didn't get to pay enough attention to any one person that i would have liked but i will hold all who attended in a fond, warm place in my heart. and i'll invite you to my return party! i like to party.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

i didn't get my visa. i fucked it up. need a couple more documents. but it's kind of getting down to the wire. have to call one of the officers on monday.

Friday, December 13, 2002

my party is tomorrow. it is at the red cafe on 35th street in manhattan. there is an open bar from 10pm to 2am. i know a lot of people aren't reading this, so i will say this: my parents are paying. $30 a head. so anyone who walks through the door my parents have to fork over $30 for. if i had known that, i certainly would have invited fewer people, but my dad is into it. and so is my mom. they want to give their daughter something in return for the prestige of being able to say they have a daughter with a master's degree. ok, it's a bit more than that because they do love me and am proud of me but fundamentally in that asian way there's the prestige thing.

i'm not saying this to whine or brag. i just want to take another moment and thank my parents. they will never read this, but you guys will know just how generous they are. because how do you think i'm getting to new zealand? it ain't by flapping my arms really hard. five months of living -- including a month total of traveling before and after my course -- will all be funded by my direct genetic predecessors. so thanks. very much.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

a moment
i'd just like to take this time and space to say, also, that i realize there is a greater world out there. the post reports today that the u.s. suspects iraq gave al qaeda vx agent. maybe, maybe not, but you gotta wonder if the bush administration isn't just digging for reasons to wage war. and so yes, there is a greater, somewhat sad world out there with all sorts of crazy shit and here i am being all self-absorbed. i'm not going to turn this into a blog about war or politics or anything, but with things the way they are, i have to take pause.

thanks for the reassurances; i know it'll be great. i know i'll have a great time. the experiences will be good for me and they'll just be durn fun. i will grow from this. i will make great memories. yet it is difficult leaving. i will miss my friends, old and new. and i think it's also missing being around to make more memories with those friends. i will go to my corner of the world, and my friends will stay here and earth will continue to rotate and we will all go on doing our things. i just wish i could be a part of the things that will go on here. hell, i wish i could be somewhere where a phone call could involve me in those things. oh wah. i'll quit playing the pity card now, because some of you are taking eight hour exams and don't have jobs and i'm bemoaning having to go to new fucking zealand. yeah, okay, i see it now. but i'm still emotional and i love my friends, near and far, old and new, close and acquaintance-like. we will be together again.

a haze
i feel as if i have been walking around in a drunken stupor for the last month or so. i have finished graduate school and for some reason have been trying to drink everyone else under the table. and i've been going out A LOT lately. i'm tired, my insides feel funny, i haven't worked out regularly in ages, and my head won't stop spinning. and this weekend is my going away party. hmm.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

intentional bitchiness

i went to burger king for lunch because i really want a simpsons watch. my $10 scooby doo watch finally broke last week. so even though i ate too many french fries yesterday, i was going to eat more crap for a watch. well, after i had paid and she was getting my food, the counter girl went to get my watch and they were all out. and she's like, do you want your money back? well duh of course but i want all of it back. i don't want the food. ok ok, she says. i tell her again because she's still getting my food and she's like ok ok. finally she's about to give me my $2 something and i'm like, no, i want to cancel the order. then she starts calling me something in russian or whatever slavic language, she says something that sounds like cheapskate. but the manager had to come over and give me my money, asked for my receipt but i didn't get one, etc etc.

well then i went across the street to the japanese market for a slightly healthier lunch. shit, man, they were so much nicer over there. although they did try to speak japanese to me. why is it that every asian person thinks i'm of their people? interesting.
i'm having very conflicted emotions. maybe it's the alcohol i have in me, which is thankfully significantly less than i had last week after i finished my first paper and then ended up puking on the curb of my street. heh. but i'm definitely emotional. i am going to miss new york city, no matter how much fun i have in new zealand. i am going to miss the good times, the familiarity, the accent. i am going to miss the comfort of graduate school and the beauty of city life. i will miss my family a bit, my friends a lot. i am feeling very sentimental. i may have taken my last class EVER, as my friend terry ever so kindly pointed out.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

i have a draft!!! and ten hours still before i have to turn in the last article of my graduate career! and this is relevant to this blog because if i didn't successfully complete my graduate degree, i think i wouldn't be going to new zealand. you know how it is.

it's almost party time! come play with me! if you don't know the details, email me.

mailed off my passport to the n.z. embassy in washington, dc, for my visa. take good care of it, usps.

Monday, December 09, 2002

hello, world!
any C programmers out there?

anyhow, hello dear friends and random strangers! there are exactly 30 days until i leave for new zealand for my 5 month adventure. thank you for stopping in to visit and being interested.

a status update:

*housing -- check
*visa -- err...
*plane ticket -- check; i'm flying united, so it's out of my hands now. hope $1.5 billion is enough.
*program fees -- check
*polypropylene top -- check
*blog -- CHECK!
*anxiety attacks -- check

Saturday, December 07, 2002

gotta get
i wish i owned bitter chick music

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

from other blog

other blog:
i remember better what new york looks like without the twin towers than with, even though i grew up not too far away. knowing they were always there, i guess i just sort of assumed that every time i looked they would be there and i would never really have to remember where they were. i can't even remember if i can see them from my neighborhood. i had lived here for only a few weeks before it happened. the only thing i remember is that looking down from astor place, i could see a large cloud of dust. on that day, there was an eerie silence as people milled about, either heading somewhere or talking with others on the street. and then as evening settled in on that first day, the sun was setting and reflecting off the cloud with the most beautiful hues of red, orange and pink. beauty reflecting off of devastation. i can't believe it has been a year already.
more bush

the current bush administration has reinstated a policy that allows cash bonuses for political appointees, a practice that was ended by clinton after the bush sr. administration made some questionable last minute payoffs, i mean bonuses, at the end of the term. the chief of staff andrew card was the one who made the change earlier this year but was never publicly disclosed.


see the nytimes article here.

Monday, December 02, 2002

public service

there's a somewhat rogue scientist out there who thinks that our consumption of omega-6 in lieu of omega-3 fatty acids may be cause for the increased incidence of depression. our brains our like a stick of butter, he said in the 24 august 2002 issue of new scientist. we evolved from diets high in omega-3, found in fatty fish, walnuts, flax seed and olive oil. but our western diets are filled with the hydrogenated omega-6 fats found in soy, corn, palm and cottonseed oils commonly used in fried and processed foods. so stop eating donuts and prozac. eat fish and olive oil!

new scientist can be something of a rogue magazine in terms of the fringish science it covers. but this is common sense. omega-3's are good for you. go eat some.

in other news, i've been updating a lot b/c i find myself two days before the first of my two major deadlines for the end of the semester and i'm well ahead of schedule. i've got a legitimate draft! whoo! go me finding my study swerve right before i finish...

Sunday, December 01, 2002


sometimes my stories get picked up by msnbc, which seems to have a deal with space.com. apparently, so does yahoo news. here is one of the stories i wrote that yahoo has converted! yeay me!
millburn, nj

an hour in a starbucks on the corner of main and millburn. the modestly quaint thanksgiving parade strolls on by outside and the warm interior of the coffeehouse is a bastion of suburban domestic goodness and saccharine sweet dreams. i thought i was going to hurl. but then i wondered why i have such a strong revulsion to the idyllic 2.5 kids life? is it a response to my own screwed up childhood? maybe i'm just not ready. and i'll never be ready. i don't think i want that. especially not the millburn version.

after nearly one point five years of journalism school, i have found
justification for my suspicions, that magazine writing is getting formulaic. (an article in the columbia journalism review called "the curse of tom wolfe".) why go on? the same could be asked of the article, which borders on obscenely long. i'm working through it.