thankfully we're strangers
i am such a head case. i am surprised i have any friends because did i tell you that i am such a head case?! i have intense feelings and then for a moment i don't have them so then i doubt my feelings. i feel guilty about having feelings, about having bad feelings, as if i should make them stop. with a switch. i have feelings that incapacitate me. the worst part about it is i am having all those feelings right now.

he is so near. just 40 blocks south, 5 blocks west. so near, so far. he is done. i want to hug him and congratulate him. i fear he tires of me. it doesn't even matter because i'm going away. but for that reason i want every moment possible. but he says that is not possible because there are others tonight who are more important. and i understand that. but it sucks. so i'm at work and i can't write but that's what they pay me to do so what am i doing at work?

and last night i went out with the Oher, the one i have been interested in from the first moment near the water cooler in august. i'm not sure he is even into girls. but even with alcohol and four months of growing desire, i couldn't because he is the Oher which means there is a not-Oher who i am more devoted to in some sick, i'm about to leave the country for five months and we barely know each other and you're rejecting me even though i don't think you want to, kind of way.

i'm such a head case.