out of the murky waters
there comes a time, i think we all experience once in a while, when we wake up and realize we have been walking around, living life in a fog. getting confused about things, not making rational, healthy and sane decisions as we once were. i had that moment tonight. i have realized that for the last four months i have been living in a fog, a fog of drinking and boys and i have no idea what else. i lost all sense of what was important and valuable to me, of what was truth and what was not. i made decisions not based on universal truth and goodness but on irrationality and emotion and, sometimes, lust. while i feel as if i have wasted the last four months of my life, i know that in an instant i can change all that and strive to be back where i was. it doesn't take much; just a realization and a word.

in less oblique terms, i mean God. i have been living a very sinful and decadent semester, riding high on my own laurels and trusting in earthly things. whereas i know the truth and the truth is light and good and unconditional love of a kind that we rarely show each other. where i once considered God and Godly things in my rationale, they have been lost as of late. and boys and friends got in the way, mostly boys. this realization doesn't make the boy factor less painful, but it does make it bearable and hopeful. because the straight truth is this: a guy i kind of liked, at least i thought i liked and pursued pretty seriously, may be coming to a new year's eve party -- he's flying in from pittsburgh -- that a mutual friend of ours is throwing. i think this boy is coming with his ex-girlfriend. i think, and my friends concur, that this is bad form. i think it's completely disrespectful of me and my feelings, but mostly of me as a human being he has been fooling around with. who at one point i thought was into me, was giving all the signals that led me and my friends who witnessed it to believe this. yes it's true that i'm leaving the country for five months, that i came on kind of strong and his puny 22-year-old self can't handle me. that i may have been kind of intense. but irregardless, inherently and objectively speaking, bringing his ex-girlfriend to a party i rsvp'ed for two weeks before he did, via evite, when he originally wasn't even going to go is just BAD FORM. BAD FORM DUDE.

tomorrow i will call him and tell him, instead of just through an oblique email. because only good comes out of honest communication, in the end. and i will ask him if my hunch is accurate. and if it is, i will tell him that this is hurtful to me, that i will do my best to be a good person, better than he is obviously capable of being, but no guarantees because this is hurtful and we will all be drinking as it is a new year's celebration. while i would have loved to take the low road and bump him and harass him and tell her everything, i won't, because i have seen the light again and the light is Good.