an emotional fit
my party was just downright amazing. i had so much fun, and i think a lot of other people did too. although it did turn into a big makeout fest for a lot of different people, including my 18-year-old cousin. on the one hand, leaving for new zealand is making me really emotional. on the other, i think i'm shutting down some feelings, not really letting them happen, lest it get too out of control. like it did for a moment last night. i had a fit. i cried and cried and cried. yes, a specific incidence started it, but i cried and cried and cried like i haven't cried in a long time. but that is what i get for the decisions i make. i seriously complicated my life, very recently. and i should have accepted it. but it's amazing the way something that would otherwise be shameful is redeemed by a little fondness, a little "like". i hate games. i wish people would just be honest. i wish we could all just sit down and say, hey, this is TRUTH. but i know for me, insecurity makes me reluctant to extend myself. i need someone to stand there with open arms before i will step out and say, yes, i like you. but again, there's the befuddlement so do i really want to step out? urgh.