I Just Need to Get This Off My Chest

The other day, I went to the Ex's place to hang out and play Rock Band. OMG. I love Rock Band. And the Ex got it for Christmas, and I wanted to play. So I went there. Well, his other ex, the one he dated last before me, she was in town shopping and came over for dinner. She was just as territorial as she was when I met her the first time, when the Ex and I were still together. She has not, in the days we have spent together, asked me a single question about me. And all she does is talk about herself. And she didn't particularly enjoy us playing Rock Band, but didn't join in and try, nor did she say she wasn't having fun. She actually sat there and mutter to herself. Tell us about every text she got. And when she would tell stories between songs in the game, they would go on and on and on and on. Listen, honey, I want to listen to you, but you gotta keep it brief or accept that I'm going to look away because I need to watch the tv.

If she weren't 21, I'd call her a bitch. Really, she's just young and not that bright.

But I got home late last night after being out to a Facebook friend request from her.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER!

But I'm trying to remind myself that she's 21. She's not my competitor. It's almost like she's my younger sister.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH HER!

When I didn't respond to her request in 18 hours, she put her profile to private.

Ugh.

So now I'm going to back into why I was even hanging out with the Ex at all. Because I'm a sucker.

I have a theory. I don't give up on people I should give up on because I was never able to give up on my family. There were many times in my childhood I wanted to give up on them and I didn't. I couldn't. I may have tried to run away but just ended up coming home at the end of the day, my parents none the wiser. There is something very obligationy about the whole thing. I really can't be more eloquent. I'm tired and going to bed.

Sound Advice

There are two types of people. People who put their coffee beans in the freezer and people who don't. OK, maybe there are three types of people, the third being people who don't drink coffee. But I don't trust such people, so they don't count.

Some say the freezer helps the beans stay fresh. You know, like meat. I used to believe this, and as such, I used to store my beans in the freezer. One day, I stopped. Why? Because I was watching Dante's Peak and that chick from Terminator owns a coffee shop in the movie and SHE stored her beans at room temperature. Something to do with the oil in the beans.

Here's the thing, though. I'm not really sure this is the right way to do it. I mean, I know many smart people who store their beans in the freezer. And really, is Dante's Peak really where I want to be getting such advice? That movie blew! My BFF and I love the part where Scruffy is rescued from a rock in the middle of a river of lava. We laughed out loud in the theatre as everyone else was wiping tears from their eyes. I mean, we love it because it sucks!

Maybe one day, I'll wikipedia it and all will be revealed.

Eek!

I.

Went.

On.

A.

Date.

Tonight.

Yeah, so, about two months ago (note the timing) I signed up for an online dating thingie. Tonight, I met one of my matches. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I mean, literally, I really have no thoughts about him. Except that he was nice. And cute. But...he didn't make me laugh. Which is ok, because there's no rule about anything, but I like to laugh. Instead, I just felt kinda ditzy. I guess it's b/c he was kinda serious. And of course I compared him to the ex. But, that's natural, I guess. I don't know. It's just that I went on a date tonight. It was fun! Talking to someone new. Meeting someone new. That nervousness as I was waiting. Hmm.

Intermission

I recently raved about the movie Juno and its soundtrack. One of the cutest songs from the movie is Anyone Else (But You) by the Moldy Peaches. Here are the lyrics. Here is a MySpace page where you can hear the song. Yeah, I hate doing this, but deal. :) My favorite lyrics might be "Squinched up your face and did a dance / You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants". Hehehehehe.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you

To You and Yours

Merry Christmas, everyone! I'll refrain from going off about the true meaning of Christmas, and just hope that you are all happy and healthy and with loved ones.

I've got a few posts brewing, but really, work is keeping me busy, and so are people. The holidays are such a busy time. Oh, and cooking. I've been doing a lot of it lately. For Misfit Christmas, which is what my friend is calling the Christmas dinner / party he's hosting. And impromptu dinner parties. And our in-between Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner party. And soon for New Year's Eve, which I'll be hosting. Sometimes, there's nothing better than staying in on a Friday night and watching ingredients come together into something delicious.

Again, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Not Much

I kinda feel like ass. Not that I'm sick. I am just so tired. I love people, and I love hanging out with people, but I am being pulled in too many directions. Last night, I had about 4 different people I was supposed to meet up with. And most of them ended up at a movie with my coworkers. I need some serious alone time. I just don't think it's going to happen during the holidays.

An interesting development is that the ex's high school ex, who really doesn't like to be called the ex b/c their relationship was so not a relationship, and I are becoming BFF's almost. We've hung out a lot lately, and we're kinda hitting it off. Last weekend, they hung out. And on Wednesday, when we hung out, I had to ask her whether she had slept with him. She had not. Even though he seriously tried. It made it much easier for me to be with her. And when the whole dirty story came out, she said, I want to be friends with you, not him. And it more or less has happened.

That doesn't mean I'm not friends with him, I guess. We went shopping yesterday. And he is still as selfish and an idiot as when we were dating, but even more so. Spending time with him totally reminds me how much we shouldn't be dating. I think I'm kind of addicted to him, though.

There's so much else to write about. Work. Snow. The movie I watched last night (Juno - so good). Work. But I'm too tired.

One Last (Amended)

So I think the Ex and I aren't going to make it through this fight. I'm not going to go into details, but there was something about our last fight that has just completely turned him off of me. And me off of him. It was like, hey, this shit's not worth it. It's sad, don't get me wrong. I struggle every day with sadness still. It's almost like we've broken up again.

This time, though, I'm not going to talk about all the things about him that I liked or admired. Because what it's come down to is that he makes me feel like shit. And he makes me feel like shit because he does jerky things. And in his jerkiness, he's made me doubt myself. Made me doubt that I'm a good person, a fun person, with lots of virtues and great things about me. I'm a lot of fun. I'm generous. I bring people together. I'm loyal. I'm self aware and pretty mature, even if I'm very emotional. All these things I know are good things. And he's made me doubt it all. And that sucks. And he sucks. And I need to cut him out. Still sad, though.

Tonight, I was hanging out at a bar watching football with friends. We had the best waiter ever. And I invited him to come out with us tomorrow night. I think I was flirting with him. And I liked it.

Amendment: I was talking to my friend, J. He's great. He's a guy, but he's just really honest and observant and perceptive and tells me really insightful things about guys. And he noted that I'm projecting my frustration onto the Ex. And it's kinda true. He hasn't really done anything outright to hurt me, besides kind of ignoring me. And he's selfish. But he's not a jerk, and he probably doesn't know he's doing anything wrong. That doesn't make it any easier to be friends with him. At the same time, I think the self-imposed distance will be good. It never hurts. I mean, in the long run.

The Ex

Friday, I had a poker party. The Ex came because, well, he plays poker and I like hanging out with him. It was a really, really good party. And then when everyone left, he stayed, and I gave him his present. And when I asked him if he liked it, he said yes, and then he kissed me.

OK, it's true that we hooked up Thanksgiving weekend. And it's true that I asked him to stay on Friday b/c it was his birthday, and I wanted to give him his gift while we were alone. But he kissed me. It was the most relationshipy affection we've given each other, even given last weekend, and even given him staying over on Friday.

Saturday was his actual birthday, and because The Ex doesn't have a lot of friends, I skipped a few other parties to hang out with him. And his ex who lives in the city. And my friend J from law school, a guy who was at the poker party and agreed to come out to celebrate.

In the end, the things that broke our relationship surfaced again. The things that made our relationship hard, they're the same in the context of friendship. Yeah, it was his birthday, and he gets to be the center of attention, but it's nice to be appreciated that you're there, especially after you pay for his dinner and forego other parties and get the waiter to embarrass him for his birthday. (Heh). Instead, you don't get a thank you, you get largely ignored, you have to put up with him flirting with his ex, you get his alcohol fueled pomposity, and when you (innocently) tell him to drink up, he says, "You're still going home alone tonight." And in my alcohol fueled vulnerability, and putting up with him flirting with his ex, I walked out. As I was silently putting on my coat, he came over and said he was sorry, and asked, are you really leaving? And I hesitated. But I was hurt and I bolted, because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't going to make things worse, and I wasn't really having fun, and I was really tired. I'm not saying it was right.

Other things that made it hard for him to be with me surfaced, too. Like after a few glasses of wine at another party, I called him and tried to make him talk to me. Even though the ex was at his place (b/c she parked her car there).

But then he said, I guess we can't be friends anymore. It's like the watered down friends version of "I don't love you and I feel trapped in this relationship."

He said, there's no getting through to you at those times. You just won't listen to anyone. So I said, so you just say the meanest thing you can think of? Yup, he said.

It took a lot of effort working through this. But in the end, he did speak and he agreed that this would take time and work. I don't know why I bother, except that it'd suck to just end this like this. I'm sort of on the verge of giving up, because as much as I care about him, I hate being used, and I hate feeling like a rug to be walked all over.

It was a joke, he said. But it was a bad joke. And anyone with an ounce of decency and awareness would know that.

I don't know. It's hard.

Family Is Just Another F Word Vol. II

For the second time in about three years, my brother and his wife hosted Thanksgiving dinner. Less wine was drunk, and the ferrets were smellier, but the food was better. In the last few years, the closer I've gotten to becoming a lawyer, the more anxiety-ridden the thought of seeing my parents has become.

My parents put a lot of pressure on me. They always have. And they will never be happy with my life. There will always be another milestone to achieve, another thing to accomplish FOR THEM. So that they can be happy, feel like successful human beings, and brag to their friends. With my masters and now with my JD and my job, they have the career bragging down. Now, my dad WILL NOT LET UP on getting me married off. EVERY FUCKING THING is husband oriented. He said, yes, I wanted you to go to Taiwan and China to, more or less, check out the goods. When I told him a boy (gasp!) was picking me up and driving me back home, he immediately become uber-interested. I was texting / blackberry messaging with someone (the ex, natch) and he wanted to take him out to dinner. Even though he didn't even know it was a boy. And in recent weeks, having lost my appetite, I lost a few pounds. Fifteen more, he said. Even if I get married and lose 15 pounds (or in his mind, I need to lose the weight first in order to get married), there will be the grandkids to have, and the bigger house to buy, or this that or the other thing. IT JUST NEVER ENDS. So yeah, I often choose not to go home because, well, sometimes I just want to be appreciated, and I don't like constant reminders that there are things in my life I'd like to have.

In addition to putting pressure on me to "improve" my life, my parents, or at least my dad, put a lot of pressure on me to fix everyone else's life. I have a brother who is sort of floundering in life. He just can't seem to get any ambition together for enough time to make anything of his life. And my dad said to me this weekend that I need to look out for job postings for my brother. Umm, no. I am not going to help my brother find a job. The biggest problem is his lack of self-control when it comes to his temper. He's gotten fired from two jobs in less than two years. I mean, who gets fired? I'm not going to hook him up with a job just so he can fuck it up. And finding a job for him is not going to change the fact that my parents coddle him and put no pressure on him to get his life together.

If that weren't enough, whenever my dad and I are alone, which we are a lot because I play his personal chauffeur when I'm home b/c heavens to Betsy he's a bad driver, he just complains and complains and complains to me about how everyone is a disappointment. My mom, my brother, my other brother, the sister-in-law. Even my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in months, not really giving a shit that I've graduated law school and passed two bar exams. It's kind of depressing that my dad feels so despondent about his family and his life. It's even more depressing that he unloads it on me.

My mom, on the other hand, is just plain crazy. In her menopausal age, she's really taken to touting just how awesome she is. Oh, my palate is so great that I don't eat leftovers. Oh, I don't eat that much. Oh I don't this, I don't that. And it's all in this tone of how awesome she is. Then, on Thanksgiving, the tv was on as we were waiting for dinner. It was some stupid movie about some girl who falls for a prince, but doesn't know he's a prince. There's this library scene where they start making out, and she's taking off his shirt. Ok, yeah, a little awkward. But what does my mom do? She closes her eyes, has this completely stuck up look on her face, and says, who wants to watch this? Well, mom, if you weren't so sexually repressed, maybe you wouldn't have married dad and maybe we could have had a sex talk by now. OK, that's not fair. It's totally cultural. Now I'm just ranting.

The one other thing my parents have always been prone to do, my entire life, is involve me in their business. Yes, English is their second language. And since the age of 10 or maybe even younger, I've had to make phone calls for my parents - to credit card companies, to doctors, to business people. I've had to translate and write letters. Fill out my dad's jury duty forms. I've never been able to get away. Even when I was on the W. Coast for college, even when I was in New Zealand I feel like, these things I've had to do for my parents has haunted me. And law school has only increased my expected duties. I'm pretty sure the first thought that ran through my parents' minds when I told them I wanted to go to law school was, "Oooh, free legal services!" It's like as soon as I get home, piles of paperwork get put in front of me. Read this, fill out that, interpret this. On Saturday, I had to call my dad's eye doctor for an emergency appointment. They give me the phone and I dial the number, then they proceed to talk to me the ENTIRE time I'm trying to make the phone call to them. It's like there isn't enough fucking time in the world for them to tell me everything I need to do.

And let's not even talk about their racism. How the indication of a good neighborhood is the shortage of black and hispanic people. And how if someone fails to do something, it must be a sign of their inferior race, and not just their personal unreliability.

The thing I don't get is how much I want to do stuff for my friends. I've offered to do free legal research for friends, particularly the Ex who had problems with his last landlord and is in the midst of more problems with his current one. I'm almost ANNOYING how much I look up. (But yeah, I've been bored at work lately.) Why? I wish I could be less ungrateful to my parents. I wish I could just tell them to back off. I wish for so much with my parents.

A blog post wouldn't be complete without an update on the Ex. The last week or so, we've been talking a lot. On IM and text, mostly. But at least we're communicating. He drove me home on Saturday, and that was really good. He helped set up my new fancy tv. (One of the benefits of parents who express love through money and gifts.) We've also been more open and honest with each other than we were when we were dating. Which is good in the interest of friendship. But sorta sad that we couldn't be when we were dating. But really, I think we're in a good place. There were times when we were dating where I felt that we were just friends, that I felt nothing more. Except we cuddled, which was an added benefit to our friendship. So the fact that we're friends and talking and hanging out ... it's almost like it was the way before, just without the cuddling. Which is ok, because it's not like we were really that super close in some ways. I guess. Not gonna lie - I stlll think about getting back together. I still think about things I wish I had done differently. But at least there's no huge gaping hole in my life.

This sort of makes me wonder, though, what love is. I thought I loved the Boy, but there was no giddiness in my stomach, no flutters in my stomach. Then again, is it supposed to feel like that? Sure, maybe when I was 15, but now? I don't know.

Navel Gazing

In my despair, I started googling things I would never google in the past - things like, breaking up with your boyfriend, getting back together with your ex. The silliness of these searches was underscored by the silliness of the results - I ended up at a lot of teen dating sites. haha.

But in my googling, it was nice to see that it's not just me and hormonally challenged teenagers that feel these things I've been feeling. It's totally normal after a breakup to want to get back together, and to rehash everything, and to fixate on things I could have done differently.

But these are the things I know:
- I am not getting back together with him, even though sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I can't breathe. To make sure of this, I am setting a deadline - no getting back together in the next two months. I hope by then, the feelings will pass and I will be in safe territory.
- Being friends is hard. It's still easy to hurt each other, it's still easy to want to be treated like a boyfriend or girlfriend. In
fact, the party last weekend was full of a bit of drama for these exact reason.
- He tried to push me away last week, and for some reason, I fought back and would not let him do that. He doesn't get to be the one that pretends to take the high road and puts our friendship above everything, then push me away. At the same time, I don't really know what he's feeling, b/c God forbid he tell me, and I need to be careful not to push too hard b/c he's hurting, too.

The ex also invited me to his grandparents' house for Turkey. He's been wanting to, and one of the things he said to me when we were breaking up was that I took it so seriously, this going to his family's. It's not that I took it seriously. It's that the thought made me nervous and it would have been nice if he appreciated it. But, after much soul-searching and hearing my parents be super excited about me coming home, I decided not to. "That's ok," he said. Well, of course it is. But before I made the decision, I asked him, why did you ask me? Does my being there make the holiday better in any way? I asked because you wanted to go. That was his response. I don't believe it. There are two options here: 1) he's so messed up that that's the truth; 2) he is so unable to express any emotions, that was the best he could do. I'm going with 2.

Anyway.

I passed two bar exams. Whoo!

Fun Night, But I Wish It Was Easier

Tomorrow being a holiday and all, my friend had a party. It was such a good night. Really interesting, nice, sophisticated, fun people. Nothing debaucherous. Just people having a good time, getting to know each other.

Then why am I so sad?

I met people I totally hit it off with. Guys. And as I laughed and we talked about New Zealand and elder law, I felt myself pulling back. And by the end of the night, I just felt so sad and lonely inside. I miss him. Dammit.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Church today was so good. The sermon was about life - like, all of life, and how people experience life and God through their childhood, 20s, 30s, and on. The 20s is a struggle with the devil. The 30s is a struggle with God. The 20s is about keeping options open. The 30s is about dealing with the closing of options. Marriage, kids, career. It's also a struggle with God b/c there can be traumatic losses - God taking away a child or spouse or something like that. The sermon totally helped me put this breakup in perspective. Look at it in the big picture, and then I can fixate less on the little, the immediate, the sense of wanting to get back together, even though I know it would be a bad thing, just b/c it would be all about ease the pain now. But no, because the big picture is, why do I want to get back together? Do I have abandonment issues? Daddy issues? Who knows. I need to process it. Whatever it is, these are things I can't work out with him. Although we are friends, he has no obligation to me. He has no duty. He has no interest, frankly. I don't think he could muster it up even if we were still dating. Which is why, ultimately, this break up is good.

Last night was drama. There was fighting and yelling and hanging up and 19 phone calls. And tears, so many tears. And he was an ass. An insensitive ass. But it doesn't matter, b/c he's my insensitive ass friend, not my boyfriend. And the problem was I wanted him to treat me like a girlfriend. Actually, somewhere between how he actually treated and treating me as a girlfriend would have been fine. He's a sloppy drunk.

I gotta go to bed.

I Hope This Is Therapeutic

I survived dinner. it was actually really good. We had a good time, interacted well as friends. But every once in a while, I would look at him and this pang of missing him, of just wanting to touch him, to have him touch me, overtook me. So yeah, we talked a bit about "us". And I was honest and said I'd been thinking about getting back together, that we'd made a mistake. And he said, yeah, sometimes when I was with you, I wanted to be single. And sometimes since we broke up, I want to get back together. But that just makes me think I'm not ready to be in a real serious relationship.

And I can't be in a relationship that's not serious or going somewhere. No matter how hard this is. Because I need the companionship, the commitment, the love, the compassion, the shared goals. And even if he did want to be in a serious relationship, he probably wouldn't be right for me. Who knows.

And I wanted to ask him, is it me you can't be in a serious relationship with, or is it you? But I didn't ask. Because I was looking for something, an affirmation, a rejection. But I thought to myself, I don't need that, b/c God loves me through the mistakes, despite the mistakes, even when I don't think about God. Which I haven't very much in the last few months / years. I hate that I only think about God when I'm suffering or hurting or facing obstacles such as the Bar Exam, but I am so thankful that God forgives me for that, and loves me despite.

After dinner, I hung out with some friends, the friends through whom I met the boy, and who are hosting this party tonight that we are both going to. And it was good. It was so good to talk about it, especially coming off this feeling that breaking up was right. This optimism that we can be friends. And for them to affirm me and say, you were too good for him. It's not the superiority that is affirming; it's the idea that someone out there can appreciate me and my accomplishments, and my heart, and my mind, and not just me as a warm body to cuddle with.

But then I woke up this morning, first at 4am, then again at 7am, after trying my damndest to sleep past 6. And I was again overwhelmed with sadness, and I couldn't stop thinking of him again. And just this feeling of loneliness. This core-shattering loneliness that makes me break down and sob. I am so broken.

It's true. I want this to be easy. I want the pain to disappear. I think about dating someone else as a rebound to ease these feelings. I think about seeing the boy, hanging out when the pain is at an apex. I just have to embrace these emotions, right? I was savvier ten years ago when I would embrace these ups and downs - they make me human, they make me me, and I think in a way, they are a gift. Because when I do find the right person, I will have so much love to give, and it will be appreciated. And it will be right.

I can't wait.

One Week

Is this what happens to me after a week? The missing and longing turn into wanting it back?

The boy and I are having dinner tonight. I guess in this blogging, I have left out some stories. Sunday, the pain overtook me, and I contacted the boy, and we talked, and I said, ok, yeah, we can try and be friends. But mostly just electronic communication b/c seeing each other is too much. He said, ok. The ball's in your court. Then Wednesday we talked on the phone b/c I was hurting at work and we needed to discuss this party on Saturday that we're both going to, that I need to go to, and that he wants to go to. So we talked, and he asked me to have dinner on Friday. Mostly just so Saturday is not awkward, I think. And here we are.

I've spent the last three days or so just obsessing about getting back together. I could lay out all the good and the bad, all the reasons why I think we could try and work it out, or at least get to know each other better. But I've also been reading over some posts from last summer, and I'm starting to think I go in cycles. But ... maybe there's a reason for it. And ... I don't know. I haven't been able to sleep past 6 am all week. Hell, I haven't even been able to sleep TO 6 am all week; I usually wake up around 5:50.

OK, here are some condensed thoughts.

First, I'm selfish, too.

Second, sometimes, even in platonic relationships, when friends hurt me or disappoint me, I have this quitter mentality. For an hour or a day, I say to myself, I never want to talk to this person again. But I get over it. I think with the Boy, I acted hastily in that period.

Third, he was projecting onto me - he said, I'm afraid you're getting too attached to this relationship. Umm, don't tell me what I feel. And I see attachment in your eyes, too.

Fourth, I don't want to force anything on him, but I get the distinct feeling that he's running away. That he's hitting a wall of intimacy and he's afraid or he won't go past it.

Fifth, maybe I'm totally and completely fucking delusional.

Gotta get through what promises to be yet another excruciatingly boring day at work.

Is This the Right Way?

Without even discussing it, I cut the boy out of my life. I said, it's too hard for me, I need time, and while I hope, too, that we can be friends one day, I'm not good at that. And he's giving me the time, and giving me the space, and leaving the ball in my court to contact him. Unlike my boyfriend in college, who tried to force friendship on me, which just ended up with us in an unhealthy, spiraly, pseudo-relationship for almost two years.

But this isn't college. I'm not surrounded by countless things to keep me busy and countless people to keep me company and countless things to help me grow. This is my adult life. It's not that I don't have growing to do anymore, but I live alone, and I work at a somewhat dreary job, and I'm allergic to cats.

And while I never called the boy my Best Friend, because my BFF lives in LA and would probably be offended, he was my best friend. I spent so much time with him, and now he's gone. He's not dead. He's just off living his life, probably hurting too, but living it in a way that, right now, doesn't include me. I turned to him to tell him everything, and even when I didn't tell him, I thought about telling him. He was the first person that popped into my head whenever there was something I wanted to do. I thought about him as my boyfriend, and in my life, for months down the road. And that's all gone. So now, whenever something that last week would have made me consider him pops into my head, I'm just sad. So freaking sad. And I cry. Cry so freaking hard.

I don't begin to think that my pain is unique or novel or worse than anyone else who's gone through something similar. But to me, it's kinda new. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time, and I really opened myself up to the idea, and now, whereas I thought I was going to his grandparents for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm not. And that's sad and lonely.

I think about trying to be friends with him while we're working through this; no hanging out, but just communicating. To lessen the void a little. But then I wonder if I'm just trying to trick myself. Because I also think about getting back together with him, even though that is more or less out of the question.

My apartment, I've never lived in it without dating him. So the first night I spent in this place, I spent it with him. That makes this place feel even lonelier.

Ok, this might be verging into pathetic territory. I need to take advantage of this extra hour (forgot it was daylight savings!) and pick up my life. Mostly by picking up around my apartment. It's disgusting.

My Eyes Are All Puffy

The thing about breakups for me is, I'm not so good at remaining friends afterwards. Either there's just too much betrayal that there's no respect left for friendship. Or the friendship is too hard; the prospect of being friends with him and being privy to his future romantic entanglements is too hurtful. Because the guys I become involved with usually become pretty deeply engrained in ... me. So to me, a breakup usually entails a complete severing of any friendship or interaction with the other guy. And that's really hard here. I love the Boy. Not in love, although, like I've said, I may have been at times, but I love him. As a person, as a friend. And even harder than losing the intimacy of being his girlfriend, I'm mourning the loss of his friendship. Because I don't see how we can be friends without the passage of a lot of time. But it's the immediate that's going to hurt, in which I'm really going to miss him.

And there are moments when I think this is a big mistake. And there are moments when I think this is completely right.

And the truth is, I really don't know, because both seem like appealing options.

And I'm off to have lunch with him and collect the one thing of mine he has, and I think he's going to try his best to salvage this friendship, because he's like that. And I'm going to do my best not to burst into tears in the middle of the restaurant.

Well, At Least I'll Probably Have More Time for Blogging

Things are not that good today.

I mean, ok, sure, I found out that I passed the MA bar. And even better, all my co-workers did, so that's awesome.

But after a two day fight, the Boy and I broke up. BROKE UP. It's official; I'm single. Just as I was getting used to saying that I had a boyfriend. Oh well.

The sad skinny: I miss him. Already. No, especially. We were spending a lot of time together, and spending the weekend together was something I started to look forward to. The weekends were so relaxing with him. He made me laugh. We laughed a lot. He was a good cuddler. I could trust him; he didn't cheat. He was a hard worker. He was respectable and, what's the word, he was, well, the best I can come up with is good moral fibre. Without the moral. Good fibre??

The happy skinny: He was, is, so messed up. When we got into a fight, or some sort of disagreement, instead of discussing what started the fight in the first place, he would say, I don't love you; I feel trapped in this relationship. Like, WTF. I mean, it had been only 5 months. I wasn't in love with him either, although I flirted with the idea. But whenever I thought I was in love with him, he would push me away. Even though he said I was the one who threw up walls. He never knew how to take initiative in celebrating big things - me taking the bar exam, me finding out I passed the bar exam, me coming back from europe, from asia, him taking his first class, him finishing his first class. Oh wait, that was my failure to celebrate his milestones. Ugh. No, no, no. I will not fall into the trap of what I could have done better or right. He was selfish. He's short, and has bad hair and an oddly shaped head. No, I will not fall into the trap of dehumanizing him, even though it's fun. He's lazy. He's got baggage. So much baggage, and he wasn't ready to fix them with me, even though I tried the damndest to fix my problems with him. He also was a poor communicator, and did things to retribute, and did things only after I did them.

I don't really want to say anymore.

I'm drained. I think this will be right in the end. There was so much good. But so much wrong. So while I think I can learn from this experience and move on, it's going to hurt and I'm going to miss him.

I was talking to a friend tonight, during one of my darkest moments. And he said I was a catch, and that I have a lot of affection and love for those people around me. And those words made me cry more than breaking up with the boy did. I needed to hear that. Not that I'm not loved. Sigh.

Some Words

Work is pretty slow. I turned in an assignment - I kinda found out last minute about the deadline, but managed to get it done despite all my hemming and hawing with my BFF in town. Yay, BFF! Ever since turning it in, I've pretty much been slacking off and loving it. I took a three hour lunch yesterday and went home. After rolling in at 10:30.

I'm not too worried. Things don't count right now, and it will be busy soon enough.

Tomorrow, at work, they are holding a toast for a few people who just made partner. I started to feel like I was in a John Grisham novel as I pictured all these people in this overly-carpeted conference room, toasting one of our own. SHIVER.

The other big thing going on in my life - the boy! He came over the other night for a mini-dinner party. It was him, my BFF, and three of my bestest gay friends. He didn't have that much to say; despite what he claims, he's pretty shy. Also, it's hard when everyone else is just yammering on about this and that. My BFF liked him. More importantly, he fulfilled his boyfriend duties after making me meet two of his exes and have dinner with his mom and high school-aged sister during the last three or four weekends.

The first few weeks after I got back were kinda rough. We fought a lot, etc. But now, it's good. He was sooo good to me yesterday. He picked me up, dropped me off at my friend's house so we could watch the baseball game, and then he picked me up when I wanted to leave. Then this morning, he got up early so he could drop me off at home. It might not sound like a lot, but it's pretty nice of him and he doesn't have to do it, especially b/c I was perfectly capable of taking the T. I think he finally got the message when I kept telling him that he needed to be nicer to me.

This morning, it was cold and dreary and when the alarm went off, the sun was barely up. And we were cuddling, innocently!, and it was just ... nice. I want to say magical but that's kinda cheesy. Heh.

I'm happy. That is all.

Brilliant!

Why didn't anyone think of this sooner?? Who doesn't get totally turned around after coming out of the subway, craning one's neck to find the nearest street sign for a hint of uptown/downtown, eastside/westside?

Must visit NYC!

Work and The Boyfriend

Life is kinda taking me by storm. I think both work and my personal life are at ... well, both are going through important moments.

Work. Work! Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing dress-up. Sometimes, I can't wait to get out of training and do some real work. And then sometimes, like last night when I went out for drinks for the first time with my co-workers (whom I love love love love! after getting to know most of them last summer), I think, wow, we're all a bunch of childish gossip-hounds and i can't believe the future is in our hands. More or less. We took bets on who's going to be the first to leave. Everyone thinks it's me, including me. My situation is not ideal. Over the last three years, I dedicated myself to one goal. I thought I could fulfill that goal at my current job. Instead, I found out on the first day that I was locked out of my goal, put in a different department. I mean, I can still kinda fulfill my goal, but I'm thinking no more than 50%. The other 50% is probably just going to be filler. Is it going to be enough? I don't know. But not being able to fulfill my goal makes me feel like I'm back in law school, passing time until my real life starts.

My best friend said, put in 3 years, then go do something else. In the mean time, sock away your money, don't drink it all away, and then you'll be fine when you leave in 3 years. I said, if I even tried to drink away my money, I'd die. DIE!

Now, the boy. The boyfriend. Some days, he's great. On most others, I want to kill him. I mean that metaphorically of course.

Two weeks ago, and again this weekend, I'm having to go through the ordeal of meeting his ex-girlfriends. Two weeks ago, it was A, a high school girlfriend, whom he cheated on, but they were never in a serious relationship. They knew from the outset it was only a summer thing. Still, I felt threatened, I guess, b/c she was an ex and he went out to lunch with her one day without telling me. So I was nervous. Turned out, she wasn't that pretty, nor was she that interesting, but she was really nice and respectful.

This weekend, it's J. She's a senior in college, they dated about a year ago, and he broke up with her b/c she was immature and he kinda was into someone else, I think. I definitely get the immaturity. It's still awkward, though, mostly b/c this relationship meant a little more than that fling in the post-high school summer. She's also trying to pull this thing where she's trying to bond with me by sharing inside jokes about the boy. And she's trying to assert her place as the brother's best friend, and telling me that she spent all her time, at some point, at their family house. This I don't like. At one point last night, I think I gave her a dirty look. No, it wasn't dirty, it was more like, I'm not going to go there with you; this is not the kind of relationship I want to have with you; we are not going to be giggly BFFs sharing inside jokes about our commonality, who happens to be my boyfriend. No.

I'm going back there later. I had to be home to receive the table I ordered. I think it's too big for my space, but I guess it's just another in a series of poor decisions I've made about outfitting my condo.

Where Did All the Time Go? aka Fooding In Asia

I've been home for over a week, but I just haven't found the time or energy to post. There's so much I want to write - mostly about the food in Taiwan, but I'll post some photos instead.

One short, interesting anecdote. The hotel we stayed at in Taipei had a huge buffet breakfast every morning. Rice porridge, miso soup, eggs, weird ham products that purported to be bacon, salad, etc. There was also yogurt and fruit. Cantaloupe, kiwi, and one morning, this white fruit with black spots, kinda like kiwi, but white and bigger. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't taste like much. Later that morning, we got in a cab to go to a restaurant, and as cab drivers and most Taiwanese people are super friendly, my dad struck up an easy conversation with the driver. We started talking about fruit, and the driver mentioned that there's this thing called dragon fruit - red on the outside, but white on inside, with black spots - that we should stay away from b/c it gives all Westerners the runs. Pshaw, I thought, I hate generalizations.

We ate lunch. After lunch, my stomach felt funny. I thought lunch wasn't agreeing with me, but when I got home, yeah, the runs. In retrospect, I think it was the dragon fruit. Kinda coincidental, no?

Onto the pictures!


A plastic food display at a restaurant outside Tokyo.

Fish-shaped fish product.

Fresh grilled little octopus.

Denny's, duh.

Traditional Japanese dinner. This is like 5 of 1000 courses we ate.

Fresh mochi, meet plush mochi!

Plastic sushi display.

Fresh papaya milk. Yum.

Night market - ENORMOUS sausages.

Night market, Taipei.

Dinner at night market - including octopus pancake.

Japan, Check

This is my last night in Japan. Tomorrow, off to Taipei.

I think Tokyo is an amazing city, from what I've seen of it. It's a really cosmopolitan city. It's incredibly clean. The public transport is incredibly sophisticated. People are friendly. (According to my dad, it's just superficial, but as a tourist, it's nice to see nonetheless.) The stuff we saw outside of Tokyo was less than thrilling. We went to a few "historic" sites - traditional temples and shrines - but they're all tourist-trap recreations built in the 1970s and what not. So they look really old, but if you look closely, the construction is just a little too perfect to be ancient. I think going to Italy and seeing paintings from the 12th Century and even older buildings has jaded me just a bit. Oh, poor me.

One of the best tourist experiences I had was staying at this traditional Japanese hotel near the coast in Atami. We slept on tatame (mats). We ate dinner sitting on tatame mats. We had to wear yukata, with the right side tucked on the inside. Women had to tie their belts on the side or the back; men tie them in front. The most, erm, for lack of a better word, "unusual" part of the traditional hotel experience was the hot bath. Basically, there was an enormous room with lots of shower heads around the walls. In the center, there was a large hot bath. And we all got in, naked, and bathed, and then soaked, and bathed and soaked and bathed and soaked until the hot water and steam made our heads spin. The public nudity wouldn't have been so off-putting if my mom weren't there. And if I didn't have a nipple piercing. Which she doesn't know about. So I spent the entire time hiding my boobs, like I was ashamed or shy, whereas really, I was just trying to avoid her clucking at me.

All "unusualness" aside, between the bath and the massage I got and the cozy bed, I had one of the best nights of sleep in my life. Until my mom, for God only knows what reason, called and woke me up at 5:45am. Grr.

In other news, I found out that I de facto got the department assignment I wanted. Only because I didn't get a phone call telling me otherwise. Whew.

I just got off the phone with the boy and my heart is reeling. I can't write anymore. Nothing spectacular. I'm just overcome with emotion right now. "I just want to hear you say it." That I want him to wait for me. (Instead of hooking up with some dirty Jersey girls who are visiting his roommate.) Of course I do. I need to go to bed.

Why This Trip Was A Bad Idea

Unbeknownst to me, my family decided to come to Japan a few days early, hang out in Tokyo for a few days, and then meet up with a tour group coming from America. Today, we were supposed to be at the airport by 2pm to meet the group. We got there at 1:30. Some guy noticed our name tags and told us to sit and wait. Two hours later, we were still waiting. So my dad called the tour guide, and she realized that we were left behind. Twenty minutes later, we saw her with a big sign, and she ran over to us as we beckoned, dishing out apologies like it was nobody's business. I'm pretty sure she didn't get the first one out before my mom just laid in on her. And she continued to ream her out in Chinese, noticeably audible over the din of the arrival area. The teen angst that has resurfaced aside, it was totally embarrassing. After a few minutes, my mom had crossed from righteous indignation into shrieking lunatic banshee territory. It didn't help that she had these two rice kernels from her lunch still stuck to her shirt.

When we finally got to the hotel, I went to the gym. FINALLY. I really haven't worked out, if you're curious, since before the bar exam. I've been walking around a lot on vacation, but my plans to exercise in Europe were thwarted by my broken foot. After showering, I was five minutes late meeting my family for dinner. So when I finally found them in the restaurant, they were seated at a table for four. And I had to sit like a fucking pariah at my own table. It would have been fine - I mean, if I had known, I would have brought a book or something. But for crying out loud - I was forgotten by my own fucking family.

So much teenage angst is resurfacing. It's kinda pathetic, really. I gotta get a hold of myself.

Anyway, Japan. I'm here. I'm not really sure I have that much to say. I think it would be really nice to go to an art museum and absorb some culture besides shopping and eating. But both are pretty good, I guess. My parents buy me things - jewelry, food. They even paid, more or less unknowingly, for my phone calls to the boy. :) But Tokyo is a lot like Hong Kong - just less crowded. The food, though. Oh, the food. It's amazing! Everything is delicious - snacks, noodle shops, curries, teas, pastries. I could eat forever. I'm trying not to, though. Living off the hotel food - the meals we're given - has left me really hungry! I'm like gorging myself and starving at the same time.

I really want to go home. At the same time, I really, really, really need to enjoy this while I can. It's just that ... while being in Japan is a novelty, so is the boy. And I miss him. And while my last trip brought us closer together, I feel like this one is pushing us apart.

Interlude

My European vacation is over. Yeah, there are anecdotes and photographs, but those will come later.

My brief visit home is over. There are no photographs, and not really any anecdotes, but there are thoughts.

I got to see two friends from the high school days. That was so much fun. It made me feel adult and grounded. Catching up, having dessert, with two women who are successful and stable and struggle with adult things - dating, children, eek!

I spent pretty much all of the rest of my free time with the boy. I think that if I didn't, he would have broken up with me. I don't like long distance, he said. I don't even like having girlfriends I see only once a week. OK, noted. I hope I made it sufficiently clear to him that I am going to try my damndest to make sure that he's a priority of mine when I start working.

As it turned out, my last trip was good for us. He learned that he liked me and missed me - I think he's learned to appreciate me a lot more, and be a little more committed, not that he wasn't before, but ... it's just been more intense. I think it was the same for me. But yesterday, looking into this eyes, and feeling his arms around me, damn, it scared the shit out of me. I felt so much fear. Fear of falling in love, fear of declaring my love, fear of being hurt (why does he not talk to me about this one ex-girlfriend from high school he's been rekindling a friendship with? why didn't he mention that he's going to hang out with her on Saturday? why didn't he mention that he was having lunch with her all those weeks ago?), fear of losing myself (I spent all my time with him - I hardly did any laundry, didn't make those phone calls I needed to make, didn't see those friends I wanted to see).

There are so many thoughts in my head, I really just need to see what comes. Quell the doubts, because I really should not let them nag at me, because they are 90% manufactured by me. Maybe 95%. See what comes, because if this is going to be love, then let it be. Don't skip the love just because I see the other side. This might sound cheesy, but maybe the love needs to be allowed to live, even if it's for a little while.

That's all I have in me. I gotta get packin.

Next up: family vacation to Japan, Taiwan and Cambodia. This trip is either going to be really good for my family, or it's going to tear us apart. God help me, I hope it's the former.

A Brief Hello

Hello. From Florence. Still. Since I met up with my friend here, I haven't really had a chance to get away and post. I suppose when I get home I will have to do a thorough post of my travels. Or barring that, I will just post a lot of photos.

Florence is amazing, but I have to say, I wouldn't live here. Maybe in the hillsides of the Chianti region, where we are going to visit tomorrow. Maybe in the Cinque Terre, along the coast, where we went yesterday. But not in Florence. It's a beautiful, historical place, but ultimately, it's just another city, and there are better cities to live in. Even Boston, if you can believe it.

That is all for now. Thursday, we're off to Greece, and I'm REALLY looking forward to that. I've somehow become a beach person. I think about laying about in the sun (or near the sun) a lot. Maybe it has something to do with my broken foot. Makes walking not that fun. so that's all for now.

Florence!

I'm in Florence. The rain has followed me, and so has my traveling companion, but she doesn't get into town for another few hours, and I have another few hours before they let me into our appartmente. So off I go, wandering the streets. Again. My foot still hurts.

In Paris, my six or seven years of French study came back to me, and I could form complete sentences when dealing with a person who didn't speak English. I could also read a lot of words, and everything pretty much made sense. I even watched several hours of TV and understood what was going on.

Here, in Florence, I haven't the faintest clue! The language sounds nothing like French, and there's little resemblance. My BFF, who traveled to Italy a few years ago, told me to just wave my hands around some more if the person I'm talking to doesn't understand me. Sounds like a plan.

Oh, and the keyboard here - way more like the American keyboard. Still different, but at least all the letter keys are in the same place and I can type away, punctuation aside, with similar speed as at home.

Paris, check

OK first of all, French keyboards are weird so you'll have to forgive the typos. After 3 days i've kind of gotten used to it, but not that much. This will probly be a short post b/c typing is a bitch.

Paris is, oddly, just as i remem:ber it from zhen i was here for an exchange when i was 15. I guess when these buildings have been around for hundreds of years, they're not going to change that much in 15.

The oddest thing that has happened was, on my first day, i just walked and walked and walked, trying to stay awake. when i finally decided it was a reasonable time to head back to the hotel and fall asleep, i hear a voice...excooz me...i think i went o school with you. Sure enough, she was in my corporations class last fall. CRAZY!!

Also, i've seen the mona lisa - against my better judgment, i fought the crowds in the denon wing of the louvre - and i'm never doing it again. Unless i can rent out the fucking museum and have the place to myself and maybe a hundred close friends.

It's been cold and rainy. I hate my boyfriend. I think I broke my foot. I'm really looking forward to meeting up with my friend in Florence. I forgot that I don't like traveling alone anymore. I mean, so much wine and no one to enjoy it with!!

Leaving...

My flight is this afternoon. My itinerary is: Paris, Florence, Greece (Ios, Mykonos, Santorini), Barcelona. I'm so excited! I'm not sure how to pack for a three-week vacation, but I hope I've done it. And I think I've left enough room in my suitcase for souvenirs and such. :) My only concern is that I'm flying a lot of budget airlines and they have pretty strict weight limits.

As for the boy - we've been spending a lot of time together this past weekend b/c of my imminent departure. I like him, a lot. I just worry, with good reason, that he doesn't like me as much and I'm just in his life so he has a girlfriend b/c he likes having a girlfriend. I don't know. Three weeks apart will be good in a way, I guess. Sometimes, despite his being really nice and affectionate, he's a complete tool. Like, last night, I'm trying to have a conversation with him about how much we should communicate, does he want me to email, etc. And he's like, oh, crack my back. Umm. Yeah.

So that's that.

My BFF and his boyfriend will be vacationing in Spain in September. I talked to him yesterday, and we said, see you in Barcelona. Oh, so cosmopolitan!

B&B

I know, I know, I seriously need to write less about the boy. But it's new and novel for me, and tremendously exciting. But I will stop.

So this weekend, I stayed at a B&B in NH. The first time I've ever stayed at a B&B. It was really gorgeous. It was in this remote part of NH - a lonesome place is not hard to find in NH - and the grounds were gorgeous. And the hills in the distance. And the firepit in the back. The room we stayed in was cozy and perfect - except for the shower in the bedroom like it was some slummy NYC apartment, just without the slum part. I guess there are erotic uses for such a shower, but trust me, I didn't take advantage of that. Besides the bathroom situation, the thing I wasn't expecting was having breakfast with other people. The first day it wasn't a problem b/c there weren't any other guests, but Sunday morning, there were 6 of us, all sharing a table and breakfast. Making small talk with strangers. True, I will have to do it for the rest of my life, but I just wasn't expecting it. Not that it was bad - it was a nice change of pace, and added a little variety to the weekend. Actually, I talked to a lot of strangers this weekend. It was just awkward trapped around this little table, each person so different, with different reasons for being there, different ideas of what to do for the day. OK, I guess it was kind of neat.

I wish I had taken pictures, but I didn't, so I will share this from their website, which obviously was not taken in August of any year.

:-D

I think I just had an amazing weekend. I am in so much trouble. The boy and I went away for the weekend. And it was kinda great. I mean, it was, straight up, not kinda. It was weird. We went hiking, we went swimming, we went shopping, we had many meals together, alone, and some with other people at the B&B. We talked, we joked. He talked more than he ever has. It was weird. And by weird, I mean, well, kinda awesome. Straight up.

And just as I was starting to type this blog, he sent me an IM telling me he missed me. AAAH. I'm in so much trouble. Three weeks in Europe? They're going to be so freaking fun, but kinda hard, too.

I Hate Exes

My boyfriend (I'm starting to get used to saying that) is having lunch with his ex-girlfriend right now.

Yeah, it did strike me as unusual that he scheduled his work for so early this morning, considering he never goes to work before 10, hardly, and usually calls the shots when it comes to scheduling his jobs. And it was nice when he called me this afternoon as I was out running errands. But when I called him 15 minutes later to see if he had lunch plans, that was when he mentioned it. "I'm having lunch with an old high school friend of mine. She's in town for an interview. That's why I schedule the job early today."

He's told me about this girl. He has alternately referred to her as his high school friend, his ex-girlfriend, and the girl he cheated on. I think. And I know he has texted her late on a Saturday night while he was out, continuing the conversation when he got to my place. (No, I didn't take to that too kindly.) While he was I find it slightly unusual that he didn't mention this lunch date to me, I guess I don't tell him about everything either. I am slightly concerned that when telling me about this lunch date, he referred to her as "my high school friend".

Really, I should encourage his friendships because he doesn't have many of those around here. I just wish he would cultivate more friendships that didn't involve exes. Furthermore, I have every reason to trust him, except for the fact that he's a guy. And third, the paranoia is totally on my end.

So I guess I'm writing about it here in case the shit hits the fan and I can say, this is where it all went south. Except I don't really expect it to, but I'm still nervous. Ugh. I hate baggage.

Pit Stop Blog 2

First of all, it really wasn't that bad. But it didn't start out that great. It was SO humid on Friday morning, and the T made me late to catch my bus to NY so I could catch my second bus to the beach. By the time I got to the bus station, I was at the end of a very long line that kept getting longer. And I didn't make my bus, and the next one was an hour later. The bus station was not air conditioned and my back was like a swimming pool, so the choices were throwing a temper tantrum in the bus station, or spending way more money than I needed to buy a train ticket. So I bought a train ticket. I don't even want to tell you how much it all cost, but if I kept my rental car, things would have been SOOOOO much cheaper.

The train ride was so peaceful. The people are so much more civilized and there is just so much more room. I don't know why I would ever bother with the bus. And if your schedule is flexible, the train is only $20 more than the bus.

When I got to the final bus station on the other end, the Boy informed me that he was stuck in traffic 20 miles away. He said, well, you can wait for me, or someone can come pick you up. Seeing as how he was 10 miles north of the exit we needed to go to, and I was 10 miles south, the best solution was to have someone pick me up, despite my best efforts to avoid this outcome. It ended up being his mom and grandma. I nearly had a heart attack waiting for them to get there.

But the weekend ended up being great. His family is amazing. So welcoming, so outgoing, so funny, so fun! HIs grandfather is probably my favorite. He's just got this sense of humor I love. And he's really sweet and not as garrulous and overwhelming as some of his uncles. My second favorite relative was his grandparents' dog.

So yeah, I have realized that I am most at ease with pets and young children. They don't judge. They aren't deciding if you're good enough for their son / cousin / nephew. If you pet them or if you're fun and talk to them like an adult, then they'll like you. So yeah, I hit it off with his grandparents' dog and with his youngest cousin, who's entering the 8th grade.

Also, I think things went well. As we were leaving, his mom told me, I told [the Boy] I hope I get to see you again! And she gave me a hug and a kiss. Yikes. I just nodded.

Then we came back to Boston after an excruciatingly long car ride, and we went to my friend's going away party. He was amazing. I mean, for a guy who's shy and not very outgoing when sober.

I'm going to miss him while I'm away. Hell, I already do.

I think that the bar exam shut me down emotionally. I'm not sure if I've talked about this, but I mean, during month or two before the bar exam, after the first few weeks of dating the boy, I just felt dead inside. I felt nothing for him, none of the butterflies or the nervous pangs that would wash over me. Last week, I felt a slight twitter. Then this weekend, I've been incapacitated, knees weakened by these waves of emotion. I really felt it last night when we were going to bed. We were in the attic full of beds, his uncle and his mom and his brother sharing this large room with us. But they were all asleep b/c we had gotten back late, and I was about to roll over in the dark when he was suddenly there, kissing me good night. I couldn't sleep even though I was so tired, just from the jolt of excitement. Oh my gosh. And that's that.

Next up: trip home to see the fam, then another short jaunt to the cape, then a week and half puttering around the condo and preparing for my big European vacation. I was supposed to go to China in late September with my parents, but they don't want to go there anymore b/c they're afraid of poisoned food. We were going to go to Europe, but my parents decided on Asia instead - Japan, Cambodia, Taiwan... I'm SO EXCITED! But also tired. Also, too tan.

Long Walk

I am not pleased that I got up at 6am. Nor am I pleased with this funny feeling I've got. Crap, I haven't been this nervous since the first and last time I auditioned for a musical ... in 7th grade! Augh!

Pit Stop Blog

I just spent four days at the Cape, and am now home for the night before I catch two buses to go to the shore. Let me tell you a little bit about what I'm going to do this weekend, and you might understand why I am STILL awake, fretting about what to pack and how to pack it and clipping my toenails and plucking my eyebrows.

I am going down to spend the weekend with the boy...and his grandparents, his brother, his brother's best friend who also happens to be an ex-girlfriend, his mom, and probably some uncles and cousins...if I'm lucky. There's nothing really special going on; he is just a family guy and normally spends a lot of time down there. There may or may not be some big party on Saturday night. It's a bit unclear b/c he kind of mentioned some big family get-together party that coincides with some road race through town, and he's trying to play this off as not a big deal, but let's face it, I'm meeting the family and it's kind of a big deal. Because if it doesn't go well, it's not good. (On the other and, if it does go well, it's not exactly sealing any deal. Sounds an awful lot like a lose-lose situation....)

Anyway. My question to you is ... AM I RELIVING THE SUMMER OF 2006??? Just without the big fat paychecks and the endless nights out on the town, and the two- and three-timing. But more or less, this is my life last summer ALL OVER AGAIN. Yeesh.

If this doesn't work out, I'm dating an orphan next time.

If you've got any happy thoughts left over from the bar exam, please send them this way. At the very least, I seriously hope I don't get any more sunburned. I'm feeling quite warm already. but I've never been so excited about a tan line before. I normally don't care to be tan - during the course of the summer, I naturally darken from my assorted outdoor activities. But last week, I looked at myself and realized that I am pasty! Pasty yellow! So I kind of made it my mission to get tan this week at the cape. Done and done!

Ugh, I need to get to bed. Don't need bags under my eyes too!

...

I changed my MySpace relationship status to "In a Relationship". It made me feel silly and awkward inside.

Saturday night, I referred to the boy as my "boyfriend". With air quotes and all.

Wow. What the hell is wrong with me?

The Other Side

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!

I MADE IT!!!

Here's the skinny on the bar exam: it wasn't THAT hard. Which worries me. And which probably explains the dreams I've been waking up to at 5 am, in a panic, trying to remember everything that I learned, or at least not forget it, and realizing some mistake I made on the exam, or something I could have written. Those have not been pleasant. I think last night I finally drank enough booze to get through the night.

Anyway, back to the bar exam. It really was about endurance. I was so tired, especially after the second day. Sitting there for 6 hours, reading 200 multiple choice questions, fighting the urge to put my head down and sleep. After the first day, which I took in Albany, I was so ecstatic and relieved I downed a quarter pounder at McDonald's and smoked two cigarettes. Writing the NY exam, however, left my wrist in such a state that it was tired just filling in the circles for my name the next day. Actually, that's inaccurate. My name is only 9 letters long. It was filling in the bubbles for the empty spaces after my name that was a killer. I'm pretty sure I now have carpal tunnel. From handwriting. It would explain the odd pain shooting up my arm.

So then the third day, I did the exam for my state. After that, I just wanted to get wasted. Which I didn't really do. Five drinks in and I was feeling so weird. The sensation was so unfamiliar and I didn't know how to deal with it. And I left the bar to meet up with the boy.

The boy. Oh, the boy. I don't really know what to say.

On the one hand, it's kind of annoying that yesterday, wanting to do something spontaneous like going to the beach, he just wasn't into the idea. Partly just b/c HE wasn't into it and partly, I suspect, because he's just a bum. Which ended up being fine b/c I'm going to spend the next week at the beach and the beach bores me. Which ended up being fine b/c laying on the couch all day watching movies was nice, too. We considered going to the museum (o' science) but the heat / humidity and the thought of ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS was too much. (Sorry!)

On the other hand, so much of what is hard about the relationship is my baggage. It's hard WORKING through problems instead of letting the problems break the deal. It's also hard trusting. Not him, b/c he's SO easy to trust, even as he sits there at 1 am txting some other girl somewhere in the city who, apparently, he used to date. Umm. Yeah, I do trust him then. It's just so easy to fall into this self-pity mode, this anxiety mode, this mode of worrying that he's cheating or going to cheat on me, but that's only b/c I'm so used to that mode it's like putting on a worn, broken-in pair of jeans. Because when I stop to think about it, he IS trustworthy, and I can't let me emotions or doubts take over. His joking about breaking up with me in a few weeks don't help. Not really funny! Lately, his jokes have taken on a tone where I think, hmm, you might be joking, but that's also partly what you're thinking. He's probably just poking at my insecurities, though.

Also, if he were just a bit less selfish and a little more talkative, I might fall in love with him lickety-split. :-0 For a few weeks, I was feeling kind of dead inside and ambivalent about the whole relationship. I know it was bar-related; I think it was because spending time with him meant time I was not studying, so that fear replaced any emotions I had for him. Yesterday, as we were lazing about, I got those pangs again, those waves of emotion that washed over me that started somewhere in my toes, made me knees a little weak, fluttered about in my stomach before hitting my head and making me realize that hey, whatever other crap there is, this is a good thing here. It was like, whoa. Also, yesterday, for the first time, I referred to the boy as my boyfriend. That was also like, WHOA.

My next goal: ask him about two things in his life that I'm afraid of broaching - his dad, and his time in the Army. So yeah, the boy went straight from high school into the Army and just got out over 18 months ago, in the midst of an Iraq tour. Yeah, WHOA. I want to know so much about it, but the only time I've ever brought it up was when we were drunk when we first met. It's ridiculous that MY baggage keeps me from asking him about that.

So that's that. I'm off to the beach for the week!!

A Snippet

It kind of felt like things were off track, derailed. By drunken words, by bar exam stress that's skewing what semblance of sanity I had. It feels like things are back on track. I'm not sure where the track is headed, but it's nice to be on it. And that's that.

Today I am heading to Albany; the exam is on Tuesday. Starts on Tuesday. The hotel we're staying at has a minimum three day reservation, so we thought, hey, mini vacay! There's apparently a pool. Ooh, better pack my sunscreen!

Probably see you on the other side of hell. AKA bar exam. Ack! Happy thoughts, prayers, wishes this way please!

Stories from the Public Library

I've been studying at the public library in town. It's a beautiful place to study. It's nice and cool. Quiet, but not too quiet, with the perfect amount of white noise.

The first time I studied there was 1L year, and some smelly homeless guy sat near me and made it really hard to concentrate. I've been going there off an on since then, but have really been spending a lot of time there this summer. I'm starting to recognize people - regular homeless people, the other people from my bar review course, med students, etc.

Several weeks ago, while I was there alone, a man sat down across from me. He had, among other things, a locked yellow toolbox, a laptop computer, and a stuffed raccoon. Not a formerly live raccoon, but a plush one. The raccoon made me think he was kind of weird, but he didn't smell, so he didn't really bother me...

...Until I noticed out of the corner of my eye him grabbing the raccoon, holding it close to him, smelling it, petting it, all while looking at me.

I did my best to ignore him. I've seen him at the library a few times since then, including once last week when he sat next to me again. I left soon afterwards however.

Today, he sat by me again. I did my best to ignore him, but kind of thought, hey, maybe I have a stalker. Not with any seriousness, although the coincidence of him sitting by me three times, out of the four times I've seen him at the library, did not escape me.

About an hour or two after his arrival, as I was fidgeting with my bag o' flashcards on the table, he looked at me again, grabbed his raccoon, and started petting and sniffing it. I think I lasted another 20 minutes before I got the rock outta there.

I guess there's one reason to be grateful that the bar exam will be over in less than a week - I won't have to see Raccoon Guy anymore. Too bad it wasn't the cute guy reading classic lit that's been sitting next to me.

Speaking of which, I have been completely unstable. I'll be really, really glad to get this bar exam over with and able to deal with my intimacy issues, without the added complication of bar exam stress. I'm seriously not able to function, and had a near meltdown today. :( Usually, I can keep it together fairly well. I think. I mean, more so than a lot of other people around me. But for some reason, my strength has been compromised. Also, I've noticed a serious spike in my appetite. That is, when I don't forget to feed myself, which I did the other day. Totally forgot to eat. Weird. Also, I've taken up smoking. In fact, I'm going for a smoke right now. I should set some ground rule, such as, once I finish this pack, no more. Sigh.

Darling When I See You, I See Me

The boy came over last night and I cooked him dinner. It was nearly a disaster. I dropped the chicken, the green beans came out crappy. I'd like to think that I'm off b/c of the bar exam, and maybe yeah I was crunched for time, but I suspect that I'm normally this klutzy and all over the place.

I had a nice time with the boy, which was nice after the last interaction left me ... dissatisfied. It's weird that not being around him (for 4 days?!) made me so unsure. Yet today ... it's good. I think I felt him kinda pulling away. Maybe he IS pulling away. Maybe it's just the initial excitement and desire to see each other constantly wearing off and mellowing into something ... more certain. Maybe it's just the bar exam that's making me nutty. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping that after the bar exam we can be a little bit more ... active and exciting. And not just catching a few hours here and there in the evening after I'm done studying.

It's interesting...he's not very talkative, and, well, if you know me at all, I am. And talking, not for the sake of talking, but communicating, is important to me. I like how he tries. We watched this movie last night, and I kinda didn't like it. I mean, I didn't hate it, I just didn't think it was very good. And he did. So I wanted to figure out what qualifies as "bad" for him. And at first he didn't really want to answer, but I think he sort of saw my frustration with trying to make a conversation, and he tried. It was ... cute. That word is a little trite, but I can't think of anything better. Suffice it to say, I found it charming.

As far as the bar exam...I know I'm learning stuff. At this point, I'm just scared that everything that's going to be on it is something I don't know. ACK! Back to studying!

Who Are You?

Why won't you tell me???

I Can't Wait Until After the Bar Exam When I Can Be a Normal(ish) Human Being Again

Part of the fun of fleeting hookups is that it's all fun and laughter and pleasure. There's none of the grumpiness and sweatiness of hot Sunday mornings and inefficient air conditions and dirty dishes. None of the mundaneness of getting the bike tire fixed.

Does that make me a guy??? Except for the psycho bitch part.

???

You're the University of Illinois!

With a taste for cities and bubbly alcohol, you might at first seem to be rather cosmopolitan. In reality, though, you're a bit of a hick trying to adapt to higher class tastes. You might be able to build most anything from the ground up, but you hide some dubious skeletons in your closet. With a tinge of lingering racism and a penchant for hazing, you have a lot to work on for self-improvement. On the plus side, you were the first to go home again, proving that you can.


Take the University Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I resurrected myself on Facebook, but I'm blogging anyways. My eyes are crossing with all the multiple choice questions I'm doing. UGH.

It's Time for Some Pictures That I Did Not Take

This picture moves me. There's something so innocent and loving about this. Nothing like the sibling relationships I had growing up.


This picture fills me with awe, the awe I imagine he's feeling. To so love trains and then to see so many that are so big and so huge. Ack! Fantasies coming true! Who knows what goes on in his head when he's playing! So different than fantasizing about, say, your stuffed animals coming to life. My friend told me the other day that when she was 8, she happened to read a newspaper that said 8 aliens were caught in Texas. She was very troubled that the visitors from another planet were not allowed to roam free.

I have facebook suicided, again, but this time in the hopes of not wasting so much time. This will probably mean that I will blog more. Ack! Bar exam!

..

But then again, I think I need to learn to forgive and relearn trust. People are not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never find a perfect man. Not even a perfect friend. And I can't stick a fork in it just because I've been hurt. That is not a legitimate reason. This is not legitimate distrust. He is so very trustworthy, and before we even started dating, he was that way. So I need to quit it. Make a choice. Mind over heart.

In other news, there has been a lot of news stories about free lunches. (Well, by a lot I mean the NY Times and the Metro.) When I was a kid, I would spend summers with my aunt in Queens. Sometimes I was there to babysit her kids while she worked. Sometimes I was there b/c I loved her since she more or less raised me. I also loved her kids. Anyway, we used to walk blocks and blocks in the summer heat and go to these public schools in Queens. And we'd get our lunches in these trays with the compartments. Tater tots were always my favorite. And we'd get the little pints of whole milk. And I thought it was wonderful.

I never knew that it was something she did to save money. Or that other people in the room were there to fight off starvation, or to make dollars stretch a little further.

.

Frankly, I think it's doomed. This is not good. My head is too crazy.

Mas

...

"I'm not head-over-heels for you, I'm not in love with you. But I like you and I want to see where this goes."

"That's dating."

"Yes."

"I do too."

"Usually, I date girls who are my friends already, so I don't have to guess or figure out whether something is going to work. I have a good idea."

"So why did you ask me out?"

"Because even though I don't remember the exact words I said to you, I remember having a good time with you. And I wanted to see what would happen."

...

"So what can I do to fix this? To make you feel better?"

"I don't know."

...

...

...

"Well, if you could just, you know, I know you're not looking or expecting to meet anyone, but if you do, could you just have the decency not to hook up with her and then break up with me?"

"That's what I was trying to say the other night. Just not so clearly."

"Oh."

"I wouldn't do that to you. If this doesn't work out, I still want to be friends with you."

(Insert some muddled sentences where I'm trying to say that I'm being vulnerable and it's hard and that I have baggage.)

"What?"

"Nothing."

...

...

"We OK?"

"Yes."

"C'mere."

"Why?"

"Because I want to give you a hug."

"Oh."

...

"So, there was jello wrestling last night, huh?"

"Yup."

"It must take a long time to make all that jello."

"Not really. Get some industrial-sized containers of jello and it jelloifies really quickly."

"Oh."

...

"Well, last night, at the party I went to, there were a lot of transvestites."

"Did you sleep with any of them?"

"Umm, no."

"Good. B/c you're only allowed to sleep with other women. And then you have to let me watch."

...

So I guess I'm in some place where I'm OK with this. I cannot break up with him three weeks (?) before the bar exam. At the same time, it came close. And if it weren't for the bar, I think I would have called it quits. But I like him. And I sort of like dating. Today was a bit of a wake up call, too. I think I've been selfish with him, partly b/c I think I thought that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. And I know he likes me, but I think I've caught up.

He's amazing in his own way. Incredibly patient and kind. I think he tries really hard to be a good boyfriend or whatever he is. And a good friend, and a good son, and a good brother, and a good grandson, and a good nephew, and a good cousin. He's a good person. How do I not give that a chance?

At the same time, I was at church this morning, and, like at every other service, towards the end, someone from the prayer team comes up and tells us visions or images of people they think need prayer. And if one of the images or visions speaks to you, you can go get prayer. Well, the last thing the woman said was, If you are in love with someone you should not be in love with. I refused to believe it was me. I don't love him. Not in that romantic way.

I should be able to break up with him b/c God should be enough for me. But I know I am weak and too emotionally f'ed up to do that. Also, I like this. Most of the time.

If I Fail the Bar, This Is Why

I should tell you ... no, you should ask me in the morning when we're not drunk.

No, you can't do that. Now you have to tell me.

...

...

OK. There are about two girls in this world that I would break up with you for right now.

...

One lives in Germany...

Why are you telling me this?

You told me to.

No...why are you telling me this? You know I've got baggage with this.

...

We need to go.

OK.

(Walking.)

(Stopped.)

No, we need to stop and talk about this right now. Why did you tell me that? That was really hurtful.

I know, but...I don't know.

Does this mean you could never like me as much as you like them?

No.

Well then why did you tell me? Because that was really hurtful and I don't expect you to like me the most right now, it's a process. But that just hurt.

I know, I'm sorry. It was stupid.

(Walking.)

To make a long story short, when we got to his place, he told me every fucking gory detail. How he was dating this girl and then went to Germany and this woman told him she had feelings for him and that threw him for such a loop that he had to come home and break up with the girl. Who is now in his life as a very close friend. And then there was some other girl he was going to date, but some other girl told him she liked him or something, but that never came to fruition, but still, he didn't have the emotional wherewithal to actually date that girl. He never did make it clear why he told me, although he did mention something about how we weren't friends first, and usually he dates girls who are friends, and who kind of know this stuff about him. Or something.

And I'm fucking gutted.

But he was being honest, and I guess if he's going to say anything, I'm grateful for the truth. But why did he do that? My friend who has known him for a while says he likes to stir shit up. And he did do this about 30 minutes after I remarked to him that we've been dating for a month.

This morning, I was ok. But then I saw him messaging some girl on MySpace and I just lost it. If I could have jumped out the window, I would have. And I told him the night before, during the long ill-fated conversation, that I wanted to run. And he said he knew. That he could see that look in my eyes. And I also told him, too, that sometimes I don't know if he likes me, because he seems to have no interest in who I am, and that's why I was giving him such a hard time about it. But this morning, I just freaked out. And I got out as fast as I could, before the coffee he was brewing for me was finished.

"But I made it for you."

But I was scared, and I ran.

"Hey."

"What?"

"Where are you going?"

"This is the way out, isn't it?"

"Yes, but you're running away."

(Yeah, I am.) "I need to go."

Smooch, smooch. "I'll call you on Monday...after you finish studying."

(Yeah, and I'll probably break up with you.) "Yeah, ok. Bye."

I don't know if I'm going to break up with him. I mean, I think it's almost impossible to find someone WITHOUT baggage. Hell, hello, I've got some, too! And I know he knows it, but there are hurtful ways of unloading it, and there are delicate, hey, let's get closer kinds of ways. And he noted, too, that he may have destroyed all the trust I had for him. That glorious, glorious trust!

I can't concentrate.

Thus, if I fail the bar, I'm blaming him. I'm probably going to fail the bar. At least one of them.

Teeter Totter

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a girl?

I cheated on a girlfriend once.

...

It was in high school. Her best friend wouldn't keep her hands off me and whenever my girlfriend left the room, she would keep trying to unzip my pants. One day, I was hungover and finally gave in.

(Thoughts swimming.)

She didn't find out about it for a while, and then she did, and we weren't friends for a long time, but we are now.

...

It wasn't a very serious relationship. And I wouldn't do that anymore. And if it did happen, I'd just break up with you the next day.

(Is that supposed to be better?)

...

...

What about you? What's the worst thing you've ever done to a guy?

...

...

I once told my boyfriend, I guess we were sort of dating, that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

That's not a bad thing; that's telling the truth.

...

...

Hey, let's talk about something else.

I think I'm at a point where losing him would be more painful than a relief. And now it's something I'm afraid of. I don't like this reversal of power. (I use power loosely; I know relationships aren't about power, but it's a good way to encapsulate what I mean.)

Last night, I took him to a party. And he was perfect. It wasn't a test, but...it was a little. My BFF said, you guys need to go out and interact, and not be holed up in your own little world, b/c your relationships tend to be like that. So this was a good party to go to. I didn't know a lot of the people there, but enough of my good friends were there, including one of his friends. There was an amazing view of the fireworks to make up for any social shortcomings. He was great. If anything, I suck at not being able to include him in conversations. I don't know how to talk to him AND someone else. But he made conversation with my friends.

As for the conversation above, which happened earlier in the night as we were having dinner...I trust him. So much. More than I should, and more than I've trusted anyone in a long time. The fears I have are not due to him, but just ... due to life. Due to the fact that I have FEELINGS for him, and he was that power over me. I am vulnerable. Yikes.