The Other Side

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!

I MADE IT!!!

Here's the skinny on the bar exam: it wasn't THAT hard. Which worries me. And which probably explains the dreams I've been waking up to at 5 am, in a panic, trying to remember everything that I learned, or at least not forget it, and realizing some mistake I made on the exam, or something I could have written. Those have not been pleasant. I think last night I finally drank enough booze to get through the night.

Anyway, back to the bar exam. It really was about endurance. I was so tired, especially after the second day. Sitting there for 6 hours, reading 200 multiple choice questions, fighting the urge to put my head down and sleep. After the first day, which I took in Albany, I was so ecstatic and relieved I downed a quarter pounder at McDonald's and smoked two cigarettes. Writing the NY exam, however, left my wrist in such a state that it was tired just filling in the circles for my name the next day. Actually, that's inaccurate. My name is only 9 letters long. It was filling in the bubbles for the empty spaces after my name that was a killer. I'm pretty sure I now have carpal tunnel. From handwriting. It would explain the odd pain shooting up my arm.

So then the third day, I did the exam for my state. After that, I just wanted to get wasted. Which I didn't really do. Five drinks in and I was feeling so weird. The sensation was so unfamiliar and I didn't know how to deal with it. And I left the bar to meet up with the boy.

The boy. Oh, the boy. I don't really know what to say.

On the one hand, it's kind of annoying that yesterday, wanting to do something spontaneous like going to the beach, he just wasn't into the idea. Partly just b/c HE wasn't into it and partly, I suspect, because he's just a bum. Which ended up being fine b/c I'm going to spend the next week at the beach and the beach bores me. Which ended up being fine b/c laying on the couch all day watching movies was nice, too. We considered going to the museum (o' science) but the heat / humidity and the thought of ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS was too much. (Sorry!)

On the other hand, so much of what is hard about the relationship is my baggage. It's hard WORKING through problems instead of letting the problems break the deal. It's also hard trusting. Not him, b/c he's SO easy to trust, even as he sits there at 1 am txting some other girl somewhere in the city who, apparently, he used to date. Umm. Yeah, I do trust him then. It's just so easy to fall into this self-pity mode, this anxiety mode, this mode of worrying that he's cheating or going to cheat on me, but that's only b/c I'm so used to that mode it's like putting on a worn, broken-in pair of jeans. Because when I stop to think about it, he IS trustworthy, and I can't let me emotions or doubts take over. His joking about breaking up with me in a few weeks don't help. Not really funny! Lately, his jokes have taken on a tone where I think, hmm, you might be joking, but that's also partly what you're thinking. He's probably just poking at my insecurities, though.

Also, if he were just a bit less selfish and a little more talkative, I might fall in love with him lickety-split. :-0 For a few weeks, I was feeling kind of dead inside and ambivalent about the whole relationship. I know it was bar-related; I think it was because spending time with him meant time I was not studying, so that fear replaced any emotions I had for him. Yesterday, as we were lazing about, I got those pangs again, those waves of emotion that washed over me that started somewhere in my toes, made me knees a little weak, fluttered about in my stomach before hitting my head and making me realize that hey, whatever other crap there is, this is a good thing here. It was like, whoa. Also, yesterday, for the first time, I referred to the boy as my boyfriend. That was also like, WHOA.

My next goal: ask him about two things in his life that I'm afraid of broaching - his dad, and his time in the Army. So yeah, the boy went straight from high school into the Army and just got out over 18 months ago, in the midst of an Iraq tour. Yeah, WHOA. I want to know so much about it, but the only time I've ever brought it up was when we were drunk when we first met. It's ridiculous that MY baggage keeps me from asking him about that.

So that's that. I'm off to the beach for the week!!