Friday, November 09, 2007

One Week

Is this what happens to me after a week? The missing and longing turn into wanting it back?

The boy and I are having dinner tonight. I guess in this blogging, I have left out some stories. Sunday, the pain overtook me, and I contacted the boy, and we talked, and I said, ok, yeah, we can try and be friends. But mostly just electronic communication b/c seeing each other is too much. He said, ok. The ball's in your court. Then Wednesday we talked on the phone b/c I was hurting at work and we needed to discuss this party on Saturday that we're both going to, that I need to go to, and that he wants to go to. So we talked, and he asked me to have dinner on Friday. Mostly just so Saturday is not awkward, I think. And here we are.

I've spent the last three days or so just obsessing about getting back together. I could lay out all the good and the bad, all the reasons why I think we could try and work it out, or at least get to know each other better. But I've also been reading over some posts from last summer, and I'm starting to think I go in cycles. But ... maybe there's a reason for it. And ... I don't know. I haven't been able to sleep past 6 am all week. Hell, I haven't even been able to sleep TO 6 am all week; I usually wake up around 5:50.

OK, here are some condensed thoughts.

First, I'm selfish, too.

Second, sometimes, even in platonic relationships, when friends hurt me or disappoint me, I have this quitter mentality. For an hour or a day, I say to myself, I never want to talk to this person again. But I get over it. I think with the Boy, I acted hastily in that period.

Third, he was projecting onto me - he said, I'm afraid you're getting too attached to this relationship. Umm, don't tell me what I feel. And I see attachment in your eyes, too.

Fourth, I don't want to force anything on him, but I get the distinct feeling that he's running away. That he's hitting a wall of intimacy and he's afraid or he won't go past it.

Fifth, maybe I'm totally and completely fucking delusional.

Gotta get through what promises to be yet another excruciatingly boring day at work.

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