Navel Gazing

In my despair, I started googling things I would never google in the past - things like, breaking up with your boyfriend, getting back together with your ex. The silliness of these searches was underscored by the silliness of the results - I ended up at a lot of teen dating sites. haha.

But in my googling, it was nice to see that it's not just me and hormonally challenged teenagers that feel these things I've been feeling. It's totally normal after a breakup to want to get back together, and to rehash everything, and to fixate on things I could have done differently.

But these are the things I know:
- I am not getting back together with him, even though sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I can't breathe. To make sure of this, I am setting a deadline - no getting back together in the next two months. I hope by then, the feelings will pass and I will be in safe territory.
- Being friends is hard. It's still easy to hurt each other, it's still easy to want to be treated like a boyfriend or girlfriend. In
fact, the party last weekend was full of a bit of drama for these exact reason.
- He tried to push me away last week, and for some reason, I fought back and would not let him do that. He doesn't get to be the one that pretends to take the high road and puts our friendship above everything, then push me away. At the same time, I don't really know what he's feeling, b/c God forbid he tell me, and I need to be careful not to push too hard b/c he's hurting, too.

The ex also invited me to his grandparents' house for Turkey. He's been wanting to, and one of the things he said to me when we were breaking up was that I took it so seriously, this going to his family's. It's not that I took it seriously. It's that the thought made me nervous and it would have been nice if he appreciated it. But, after much soul-searching and hearing my parents be super excited about me coming home, I decided not to. "That's ok," he said. Well, of course it is. But before I made the decision, I asked him, why did you ask me? Does my being there make the holiday better in any way? I asked because you wanted to go. That was his response. I don't believe it. There are two options here: 1) he's so messed up that that's the truth; 2) he is so unable to express any emotions, that was the best he could do. I'm going with 2.

Anyway.

I passed two bar exams. Whoo!