Career Stuff Or An Attempt Anyway

Career Stuff (Or an Attempt To Talk of Such Things)
I'm going to court in the morning. I should really really really be asleep. But I'm not. And so it goes.

I'm grading journal competition entries. Oh dear. Some of these kids ... really? Why are they editing, like, substantively editing, direct quotes?! The beauty of using a direct quote is you don't have to write! You stop paying attention and you just transcribe! But there they go, editing it. BAH!


Had a talk tonight. He's wily. "I need to talk to you" apparently gets him to turn on the charm. I'm not buying it completely. But, still, things are a little better, and good enough for now.

Remember, they're just emotions. I'll bounce back. Haven't not bounced back yet.

But, as I was discussing this with a friend - which was spurred by reading something somewhere I wish I had never seen and never read (fucking MySpace GRR) - I broke it down for her as to what was so hard.

I spent the majority of my teens overcome by emotions. I've talked about it before, but in short, I used to feel things so intensely that they would literally incapacitate me. I've always been sensitive and jealous and prone to developing intense, mildly co-dependent friendships. As I've gotten older, I've managed to regulate these emotions so that I can still function even when I'm feeling something. (It helps that life has gotten better...) I've done this in most aspects of my life. But of course the one I haven't is in the context of romantic relationships. Maybe it's from lack of practice. But in any event, I hate unloading these feelings on the person that is more-or-less the cause of those feelings because I feel like I've trained myself to think that these feelings are my problem, not the others. That it's my fault I feel emotions so intensely. That it's my burden, not to be unloaded on the other. So I keep them to myself and share them with a few friends, but never with "the subject." And I call myself crazy and blame myself.

But you know, in almost all the times in my past I've found myself in the situation, I wasn't the only culprit. My gut ... it's pretty damn reliable. Even if in the end I was the one that, in a sense, took it and ran.

Still, it will do for now.