confusion
i'm a sucker for attention and affection.

during finals, i had an existential crisis. one night before an exam, right as i was trying to go to bed early so that my brain would be sharp the next morning, i started thinking about boys. boys and exes. boys, exes and my deep-seated issues pertaining to men. a few days later, i had a revelation. ok, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that my relationship with my father influences my relationship / perception of men. but the generalization aside, i didn't realize how that manifested itself in my life. i realized that my relationship with my father makes me pursue aloof men. my father is not very affectionate and i had to excel to get his attention. like, by getting A's or whatever. as an adult, i find that if a guy is friendly, i am not interested in him. if he's my friend and wants to be my friend and i don't have to work at a friendship, it's just a friendship. but if there's a guy who's kind and is kind of my friend but not really, that, my friends, is the type of guy i go after. (and then there's the problem of how i hone in on one guy when i have a crush, but that's a whole 'nother psychosis.)

i think there's another level to this ... for a long time i have maintained that because my family is not very close or emotionally supportive, i have replaced them with a network of friends i love dearly, even friends in LA with whom I don't talk very often. so when a person is willing to give me the time of day and seems to give me attention, i don't feel that i have to work very hard to be friends. it's the "others" that require more work ... the aloof ones ... they're the ones i want to corral into my friendship circle, into my family of sorts. and i think in a way that too is why i have crushes on aloof men.

i'm not really very sure this makes any sense written down. but it makes sense in my head. i chase aloofness and can't have crushes on the guys who are friendly with me. what am i going to do with this realization? be more aware...not let a friendly nature blind me...

this is all moot. nothing is going to change. there are a lot of other issues at work here that would prevent me from really getting involved in a relationship (e.g. my apparently deep seated fears of intimacy...). but i thought this was an interesting revelation. about me. so selfish, i know, but this is my blog, so whatcha gonna do?

wait ... why did i start writing this? it has to do with the first line ... oh yeah. so ... at one point, i thought ambiguity was banished. one drunken obnoxious phone call pretty much solved all that. but then ... recently ... lots of attention ... no electronic abyss ... and it's hard for me to continue thinking about friendship ... little thoughts of potentialities creep in ... hopes ... like i said, i'm a sucker for attention.

writing comp is in full effect. my eyes are crossing from the periods and commas and underlinings. it was nice to feel the post exam freedom for two days ... the pressure's back.