overload
it's four a.m. it's blizzarding outside. this weather disturbance has already earned a name, a catchy label, to make the local news reports sexy: THE BLIZZARD OF 2005. ok, it isn't that sexy. but it's 4 a.m., the snow is falling hard, and i'm finishing up the rough draft of my moot court brief. i'm supposed to meet with my classmates tomorrow and put the whole thing together. i wonder if the T can run in 30 inches of snow. i don't see how when it can barely manage on a perfectly nice, sunny, spring day.

these last two weeks have been incredibly difficult. i'm realizing that the school is really just pouring it on us. i've barely been able to keep up, and the only reason i can is by going to be at 2am every school night. that's how long it takes me to do my reading and work nominally on my brief. and then, to pour lemon juice on the wound, we got our grades on friday.

i remember when i was younger, especially in college, i didn't care about grades. of course, i was forced to because i didn't work very hard and even when i did work hard, it seemed like all i could eke out were B's. sometime since college, i've become a grade whore. a's a's a's. all i want are a's. if i don't get a's, i feel shitty. my grades made me feel OK. that's all i'm going to say.

in addition to the emotional turmoil of having to look at grades (which i never actually did; my friend looked for me and i haven't looked at them yet -- although maybe last night when i was really drunk i did ...), there's the additional social/emotional turmoil of coming back and interacting with everyone at school. i'm having serious boy-angst issues. and by boy i mean "the" boy. there is so much awkwardness between us. and it comes from both of us. i can feel it. so that's putting me off a bit too.

all of this came to a head last night. i met with a friend at 4:30 for drinks and dinner. we had a great time talking it was so much fun i miss times like that. and then we met up with some other friends for drinks. i don't think i was there for more than an hour or two before i burst into tears and had to leave. seriously. in the middle of a bar. my emotional state is harking back to my teenage years, when i was seriously unstable and my emotions were uncontrollable. it was weird. it is weird.

the best i can explain it is that i'm physically tired from lack of sleep and emotionally tired for all the reasons mentioned above, on top of the usual ones, such as i'm going to die alone, why am i single, why am i fat. the alcohol totally weakened me and made the ugly come out.

thus, i have resolved not to have more than two drinks at a time until my life is a little more in check. because crying in bars is ugly, and so is how i feel the next day.