Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This Is What's Really On My Mind

I realize everything is on hold right now - it's all in some sort of finals-stasis. It gives me time to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

The situation I was in before finals-stasis was . . . nice, but disturbing. Disturbing mostly because there was a familiarity to it that reminded me a lot of the debacle I got myself into over the summer. I realize everyone has baggage, but sometimes it's heavier than usual. I was kind of reminded of that tonight via the interweb, which itself adds another heaping scoop of "Oh, I've been here before."

What's weird, though, is I still want to go there. Drawn like a moth to a fucking flame. Is it desperation? Is it genuine emotion wrapped in hope? Is it wanting to fix the damaged? Is it that I am damaged, too, and like-begets-like? What is it? I want to find out, but I can't. Stasis.

What I really want is to be able to make a choice - a real choice - and not get into that situation. Everything about it feels wrong. And that alone should compel me to choose rightly, over my emotions.

I think part of the problem is that I went to a Damien Rice concert tonight and, man alive, is his music depressing. All it does is make you think of relationships, in every which shape or form.

I miss the cold-hearted, independent, not-so-vulnerable me.

No comments: