the four beers and 3 rounds of pool post
just got home from the bar. well, i got home about an hour ago and have spent a significant portion of the last hour stalking a boy on the internet. i'm feeling sort of warm and fuzzy inside from a new burgeoning crush. unfortunately, i have verified my suspicions and discovered that the new boy is 20 years old. twenty three wasn't young enough; we're moving down the line. well, i knew this was going to happen considering where i see the boy. twenty is actually older than i guessed. why do i like him? sure, he's cute. and i've discovered lots of things tonight -- it's called due diligence, not e-stalking, thank you very much -- that make me think i'd like him even more. but that wasn't what made me like him. what it was was that spark, that moment when he noticed me. made me feel noticed and attractive. is that how love starts or do i have it all mixed up and convoluted? i worry sometimes that everything i see in the world is screwed up by my own issues. by my own desire to be loved and to love. that i get everything wrong b/c of my desires, desires that are rooted in sin and brokenness. i don't know. i have forgotten what it is like to be god-centered and healthy...or at least pursuing health. emotional health. mental health. physical health?

in better news, at least, i was at the bar tonight with the now ex-crush. i'm over him. but golly gee i sure do enjoy hanging around him. well, that's good, b/c we're friends, and i enjoy it. he's really a great guy. fun. smart. interesting. teaches me lots of things about things i don't know -- like soccer. and he's taught me some pool. uhh...who's the physics major in this scenario? me, but i know fuck all about top spin.