The waffling continues.
Yesterday I decided that I should just go ahead and buy the computer I picked because I think that if I order online, I don't have to pay tax. So I'm sitting at my computer right now, with the computer I picked in my shopping cart. And it kind of makes me sick to my stomach just a wee bit to think about committing. There are probably many reasons why -- fear of commitment in general, a sense that neither choice is perfect, etc. But when I went into my exam on Monday, again, when booting up, the computer couldn't find the hard drive. Thankfully, I'm done with all my in-class exams. But really, I'd like to have my new computer sooner rather than later in case this thing I'm pounding on really is on its last legs. I think the fact that I'm getting a new computer because I NEED one rather than I WANT one makes a big difference here. If I had seen a computer and fallen in love with it, I might not be having so much trouble.

How did I pick this Dell? When I started grad school at NYU, I got a flyer from the school about the computer specials they were having. This was the second cheapest unit they had. And it was easy -- I charged it to my student account, interest free. Maybe in retrospect, or at least on this one thing, NYU beats out my current behemoth institution of higher education. Oh, that and it was in NYC. Oh, NYC. Such a fun place, but such an unhealthy place for me.

Which comes to another topic, sort of related. I recently had the pleasant experience of catching up with an old friend who was in town for a short trip. We were talking and somehow the topic got to beauty products -- Sephora and drugstore.com being two of my favorite places to shop. "I have to stop looking at women's magazines," my friend said.

This made me remember how I gave up women's magazines. Yes, in college or shortly thereafter, I decided that looking at those magazines was bad for my mental health. And so I gave them up, cold turkey, and rather successfully. The point here is not to gloat over my friend. The point here is that I may have given up glossy women's magazines, but unknowingly, I have substituted them with ... catalogs and tv shows and the internet. I'm not mentally healthier. So what is the problem? The problem is that looking at women's magazines made me want to buy products that promised to make me beautiful. It made me want to care about fashion, about how I look, about how "cool" or "hip" I can be. Now, I just go on websites, look at catalogs at the latest fashions, and watch shows like Queer Eye with the same result. I think Queer Eye might be the worst. It's a fun show, but I watch it mostly for the cool products it features. Given that it's a show about men, I usually watch Thom's part the closest (home decor), but last night's wedding episode was chock full of things for me to dream about!

So what to do now that I've realized my issue? Well, I can't go around cutting off the internet and cutting off catalogs -- because I need the internet, and catalogs come unrequested. I suppose there's more proactiveness I could take in not succumbing to these temptations -- don't go to the websites when I'm on the internet and throw the catalogs in the recycle bin. But maybe it'd be better just to change my heart and my mind. I think the first would be easier -- a stop gap measure. I should stop going to websites just to browse. I inevitably end up buying something I don't need, anyways. And then when I do need something (need being a relative term), like a computer, I can't make a decision. Crikey. I'm fucked.