Another movie Christmas.
Catching up on my summer blockbusters. Here's what I've watched since finals ended, in alphabetical order:

The 40 year old Virgin
Batman Begins [I dig it, even though I kept thinking about Tom]
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Fantastic 4 [Not so fantastic...]
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
I Heart Huckabees
The Interpreter
LOTR Trilogy [sigh...]
Sin City

My goodness, I do love the films. Maybe I'll have meself a little Catherine Keener-fest. Or a Jessica Alba-fest.

The other thing I've been doing a lot of is shopping. With my parents. Which means I can have almost anything I want. They try to dress me in designer goods, I take them to Old Navy and choose out two nice going out tops for myself. They let me loose in the local upscale mall and I come home with a cutting board. We go to Bed & Bath and I come home with a frying pan. Yes, I've got a little bit of nesting on the mind.

I know this is how my parents show me love, especially because I'm a student and I never come home anymore. But I'm starting to get caught up in the materialism of it, instead of the spirit of it, if there is a spirit. I think tomorrow we're going to the outlets. Oh, the worst is when we go to Costco. It took me a year to finish that jug of olive oil ...

Sick. So Sick.
Just in time for winter vacation, I've been felled by a cold. I think I've slept 20 of the last 30 hours. I was supposed to drive home today but put it off until tomorrow because I couldn't get my act together before dark and wasn't feeling up to driving in the dark. Got some Christmas shopping in. And some cleaning. Holy crap there's a floor under all that muck. I've mopped my floor once, maybe twice, all semester. EEW.

On that note, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas everybody!

I think next year, I'm going to try and send cards out. I really appreciated all the cards I got; they were quite the nice pick-me-up in the midst of finals and such. And it seems so mature and grown up. :)

So fat.

That, my friends, is my broken bed. I broke it yesterday morning, all alone, while sitting down to put on my socks or some other mundane task.

While it's true that the rate of weight gain on my person has been frightening, I must also admit that this bed is about 6 years old. I bought it after I graduated college, for my first apartment. When I left that job and apartment to get my first grad degree, some friends helped me move. When I wasn't looking, they took my entire bed apart. I haven't been able to put the damn thing together since. I have a bag of screws and bolts that look like they belong in Ikea furniture, but I don't think they belong to my bed. So for the last 18 months or so, my bed has been held together with wooden pegs. Like the one sticking out in the picture.

Yes, there are about a thousand different jokes / snide remarks to make. I've made them all in my head and will spare you.

So this leaves me another dilemma. Do I get a new bed, and if so, what kind? I have to get a new bed. I slept in the damn thing last night, all askew like that, and kept wanting to roll off. I feel sort of slanted this morning and am certain that while I sit here typing, I am sitting crookedly, more so than can be attributed to my normal bad posture. Do I get a replacement frame from Ikea or do I get a nice bed because I'm getting older and it's time to stop buying play furniture? I could just get a metal frame, but then I'd have to buy a boxspring, and that costs almost as much as a replacement Ikea bed. Oh what to do?

At least I'm going to my parents' house tomorrow. There, my bed is horizontally parallel to the floor.

Blogger's Dilemma
Blogging is weird. I often catch myself walking around town, to and fro, observing and thinking, "Oh, this would be great to blog about." And then I see friends who read my blog and I feel weird. Like I've started to live through this damn thing and offline interactions are almost surreal.

Knowing that people read this thing, I've started to temper what I write about and how I write. First, I've started to use appropriate punctuation and capitalization. That might be for the better. More significantly, I think I've started to temper what I write. I post news stories instead of deep dark secrets and thoughts. I've even contemplated posting this great banana bread recipe I have, but then that will really be contrary to the original spirit of this thing. Then again, the original spirit of this thing was to talk about traveling and other cultures and people I meet in those other places and cultures. Being in law school has seriously limited those experiences (although a friend and I are talking about going to Greece for spring break!)

I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about starting another blog, but then that would make it five (seriously!) and it really doesn't help because part of what's tempering what I say is the fear of fucking up my legal career like I fucked up my adventure tourism career. Oh I don't know. Maybe I just have nothing interesting to say simply because it's STILL finals time.

But here's a thought ... I'm suffering through that time of the month. No, not THAT time of the month. See, before THAT time of the month, I have another time of the month. During this other time, my appetite increases exponentially. Add that to bloating, and I go through this monthly down time when my self-esteem suffers and every thought is about how fat I feel. I was able to temper this feeling most of the semester by staying really active. And for a lot of the semester I really wasn't eating, so when my appetite did increase, it only meant I was eating a normal, healthy amount of food.

However, it's finals. And I've done a lot of sitting on my ass, not leaving my apartment for days at a time. This is like a three-fold attack on my self-esteem and I am suffering. I can't wait for THAT time of the month to come so I can resume being normal self. I know I've put on a little weight towards the end of the semester -- gym boy is just not that interesting anymore and free time to work out and friends with free time to go rock climbing with are all seriously lacking -- but hopefully the banishment of two of my three fat-feeling-related problems will make me a happier person. At least for three weeks.

Sigh.

A rant.
Just because people are different from you and have grown into different interests than you, does not per se mean that you've grown apart as friends. It just means you're different from the person you were when you met however many years ago. Does not mean you can't still be friends just because you have different interests. First of all, the whole point of friendship is to stick by each other's side. Second of all, how sad a life to surround oneself with people who do only the same things as you and are just like you.

Am I directing this rant at anyone or anything in particular? Not really.

Geeks these days.
A friend and I went to study at a university across the river that is full of geeks. Geeks all the way to the horizon. Enginerds, chemists, physicists, etc. I heart geeks. Anyways, I'm kind of ill today because the alcohol I consumed last night just did not agree with me, so I spent a lot of time taking in the scenery. And one kid was using a calculator that looked like this:



Oh man, I am so out of touch with geekdom! I remember when a Ti-82 was the rolls royce of calculators. (That was lame.) And when I started taking calc in high school, Ti-85s were still around. What the hell is this beast? Anyways, I've definitely found a great place to study. And they're open until midnight!

Mayan art.


Archaeologists have discoverd a nearly intact, 30-foot long Mayan mural, painted at about 150 B.C. on the wall of a pyramid. Remarkable, really, both to look at and to contemplate.

Read more here.

Poke me like a pincushion.
I got my last Hep B vaccine on Tuesday. When I started college, I think it was less common to make the vaccine mandatory. But this behemoth university I attend made me get it. Great, now I can go have unprotected sex without fear of getting hep b! As soon as the tingling in my shoulder goes away! It's kind of annoying ... it's like having perpetual chills. Well, it's better than the three days of nausea I had after the first shot. That may have been related to the severe hangover I had, though. Heh heh.

And the verdict is ...
So right after I posted yesterday, I went to pack up my stuff so I could go to school and get some studying in ... when my Dell gave me THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH. I freaked out. I worred that my computer was sliding downhill faster than anticipated. So I unpacked and went online and started to shop. But ... my Firefox browser reverted to safe mode or something and I haven't been able to restore it since. Lost all my bookmarks and settings. Which is fine b/c my bookmarks were getting cluttered. But I also lost my shopping carts where I stored my different computer options. Not wanting to wait up to a week for a new computer, I went to the university's computer store. It's located in the basement behind these double doors -- think high school cafeteria with the bar across the middle and the little slit window. So I went in there, picked out a computer, and brought it home after meeting a friend for coffee. So which did I choose?



Yes, I went with the powerbook. I had to do some financial gymnastics to bring that sucker home, but that's beside the point.

The most beauteous part of the whole process is ... I took that picture with my cell phone. And instead of paying the 25 cents to send myself a picture message ... I linked up my Sony Ericsson and my computer via Bluetooth. Holy crap, I feel like such a geek.

How did I end up making this decision? Of all the computers they had to sell at the university computer store, this was the most viable option. No Dell Inspirons was the rule. The store clerk pretty much said to stay away from all Toshibas. Since it was between a Toshiba and a Powerbook, that pretty much made the decision.

Did you really need to know all this? Well, it's done.

PS I know this post starts to fly right in the face of my last one. While I chose the computer out of practicality, sort of, I confess that a part of me chose it to be "cool." Alas.

PPS I've named her Priscilla.

The waffling continues.
Yesterday I decided that I should just go ahead and buy the computer I picked because I think that if I order online, I don't have to pay tax. So I'm sitting at my computer right now, with the computer I picked in my shopping cart. And it kind of makes me sick to my stomach just a wee bit to think about committing. There are probably many reasons why -- fear of commitment in general, a sense that neither choice is perfect, etc. But when I went into my exam on Monday, again, when booting up, the computer couldn't find the hard drive. Thankfully, I'm done with all my in-class exams. But really, I'd like to have my new computer sooner rather than later in case this thing I'm pounding on really is on its last legs. I think the fact that I'm getting a new computer because I NEED one rather than I WANT one makes a big difference here. If I had seen a computer and fallen in love with it, I might not be having so much trouble.

How did I pick this Dell? When I started grad school at NYU, I got a flyer from the school about the computer specials they were having. This was the second cheapest unit they had. And it was easy -- I charged it to my student account, interest free. Maybe in retrospect, or at least on this one thing, NYU beats out my current behemoth institution of higher education. Oh, that and it was in NYC. Oh, NYC. Such a fun place, but such an unhealthy place for me.

Which comes to another topic, sort of related. I recently had the pleasant experience of catching up with an old friend who was in town for a short trip. We were talking and somehow the topic got to beauty products -- Sephora and drugstore.com being two of my favorite places to shop. "I have to stop looking at women's magazines," my friend said.

This made me remember how I gave up women's magazines. Yes, in college or shortly thereafter, I decided that looking at those magazines was bad for my mental health. And so I gave them up, cold turkey, and rather successfully. The point here is not to gloat over my friend. The point here is that I may have given up glossy women's magazines, but unknowingly, I have substituted them with ... catalogs and tv shows and the internet. I'm not mentally healthier. So what is the problem? The problem is that looking at women's magazines made me want to buy products that promised to make me beautiful. It made me want to care about fashion, about how I look, about how "cool" or "hip" I can be. Now, I just go on websites, look at catalogs at the latest fashions, and watch shows like Queer Eye with the same result. I think Queer Eye might be the worst. It's a fun show, but I watch it mostly for the cool products it features. Given that it's a show about men, I usually watch Thom's part the closest (home decor), but last night's wedding episode was chock full of things for me to dream about!

So what to do now that I've realized my issue? Well, I can't go around cutting off the internet and cutting off catalogs -- because I need the internet, and catalogs come unrequested. I suppose there's more proactiveness I could take in not succumbing to these temptations -- don't go to the websites when I'm on the internet and throw the catalogs in the recycle bin. But maybe it'd be better just to change my heart and my mind. I think the first would be easier -- a stop gap measure. I should stop going to websites just to browse. I inevitably end up buying something I don't need, anyways. And then when I do need something (need being a relative term), like a computer, I can't make a decision. Crikey. I'm fucked.

Update.

From CBC News:

Ken Moroney, police commissioner of New South Wales, said the mob broke the windows of an ambulance and attacked two paradmedics. In another incident, people chased a woman on the beach because of her race.

"That woman was literally saved by the police officers and those officers deserve my highest commendation for the way they went about their task," he said. "The other equally offensive conduct, the absolutely total un-Australian conduct, was an attack on an ambulance."

Maybe it's the studying too much that's making me parse language, but this quote begs the question: Is it Australian to have mobs chase women on the beach? Maybe it's Australian if it's just randy men chasing women...

Be there. Look racial violence in the eye.



Riot-like fighting has broken out in the suburbs of Sydney. Sort of like Paris, except these were started by "thousands" of white guys attacking people on a beach they thought were Arabs. These "thousands" of white guys were sparked by rumors that two Lebanese men attacked a lifeguard. The day after the beach attack, some Arabs "retaliated" ...

No point in me recounting the facts for you right before my first exam. Go read the stories. Then try not to be depressed.
Forbes
AP via NY Times

Oh, snow.
I swear, in this city, you have to check the weather report every 3 hours to know what is going on. It has snowed three times already this winter and each time, it has taken me by surprise. Although it's nice to open the curtains and see snow falling and snow on the ground because it makes me feel like a kid again to have the first thought in my mind be, "Oh, maybe we'll have a snow day," when I'm caught unprepared by a heavy flurry in the middle of the afternoon in nothing but a sweatshirt, it can be kind of painful. Oh this crazy city.

We're not likely to have a snow day today. Classes finished yesterday. Today, I will study like mad. Or go mad studying.

A picture for your enjoyment, taken by not me:

A last thought
I was undeniably fat in high school. I was fat when I started high school, and by the time I finished, I was even fatter. I lost a lot of weight before I started college, and then put a lot of it back on during college. Since graduating college, my weight has fluctuated some, but I've pretty much maintained the same ballpark size and shape -- thinner, healthier and in better shape than I ever was in high school.

So, when I was anticipating my high school reunion, the one thing I didn't worry about was looking worse than I did in high school. I mean, c'mon, I've also discovered the wonders of plucking my eyebrows and using a hairdryer. I've had nowhere to go but up.

And I've already intimated that my high school reunion was a great time. And it was. There's just this one incident ...

The bar was crowded. We were drunk. There was one door between the private room and the main room, and the area was narrow, crowded, hard to navigate and kind of in a corner. So everyone was in everyone else's way. And I'm either coming or going and waiting for someone to get out of my way so I could get out of someone else's way. And this guy I went to high school with is trying to get by, too, and pushes and shoves and when he gets by me, mutters rather loudly and clearly some sentence including the words "fat fuck".

And there in two words was one big thing I was dreading about reunion -- the return of feelings of being judged for one facet of who you are (appearance, weight, height, etc.) that doesn't reveal the true you. The sense that there was this true you within that wasn't discovered or appreciated or given a chance. This wasn't my complete high school experience because my high school friends were really great. But I was fat, and for that I was teased, even by some people who were nominally my friends. While I feared these feelings coming back, I wasn't expecting the actual name calling that happened in my childhood to happen in a bar in New York City. I went to reunion not expecting that immature shit, but rather, I was expecting awkward interactions with people we've shared a kind of dirty, humililating past with. Yes, we were bullies or awkward anti-sociods back then, but we've all grown up and become adults, become more and better than we were in high school. In a sense, going to reunion meant facing the awkward teen in us that we've outgrown. Well, all of us except for one greasy fuck.

Update and Intermission
I may not be around very much for a while. Two exams, Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning, then two more take home exams.

Going to see Spamalot and Wicked when they come to town next March and April, respectively.

Really, really, really want to see Rent the movie and the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and the Producers. Maybe over winter break. Or I'll be too busy going out in NYC over winter break. I'm still thinking about NYC, and wanting to live there and spend time there. I am the queen of the grass-is-greener syndrome.

Still boy crazy. Sappy music and looking at couples walking down the street makes me wish I was part of two, not just one. This is unusual for me, I think, as sappy music usually makes me squelch the part of me that wants to date and marry and etc.

Waffling on the Powerbook. So many issues I should make a spreadsheet...

OK, back to outlining....

computer lust


If you're dorky, check out specs here.

Making the move from PC to Mac is kind of a big deal. Hold my hand, please.

health matters
I am, generally speaking, a healthy person. Except for that year when I was working with kids on a daily (and I mean 6-7 days / week) basis, I get about 1-2 colds a season. I haven't had extensive medical care for any serious conditions, and I'm generally pretty good at letting illnesses run their course.

However, I currently seem to be suffering from something, or a bunch of somethings. I thought it was allergies, but now it's more like a cold or flu. Then I got a hangover (which yes, is a self-imposed medical condition of sorts), but it seems to have turned into food poisoning and a perpetual headache. I still seem to have some nausea and general gastro-intestinal discomfort, and today the dizzy spells have set in with some force. Also, [TMI ALERT! TMI ALERT!] I found some disconcerting bodily fluids in my BMs the other day...[END ALERT.]

I know I watch too many medical shows and am turning into a bit of a hypochondriac in my old age, but I'm worried. I'm not really stressed from finals, no more than usual, and I've never reacted to stress with anything more than a few zits and an over-zealous appetite. And I'm still staying somewhat active, although less intense than normal b/c of a lack of time and energy from the above symptoms.

If it turns out I have a tapeworm or Ebola, you heard it here first, folks.

Patience is not my virtue.
On the very first day of high school, I think my very first class was social studies, after the teacher called my name, he looked up at me and said, "You're not going to misbehave like your brother, are you?" (Or something to that effect.) This continued to happen on the first day of a lot of the rest of my classes in high school.

I bring this up now because several of the people at reunion came up to me, said hello, and inside of a minute asked me about my brother. These were guys played on sports teams with my brother and were terrorized by my brother. Though they knew me as my classmate, they knew me better as my brother's younger sister. In fact, my brother made the comments on the old high school blog, whereas I didn't. (Although it wasn't a big deal not to make the blog, it was somewhat soul-baring to have my brother make it ... it was the substance of the comment that did it. But I've taken all that down now, so it's erased from the face of the universe.) And at reunion, one guy came up to me I didn't remember at all, but he knew me, first and last name.

I was called on in class yesterday, by Professor UCC. I suspect he called on me because I came in late and walked across the room. He stopped mid-sentence and everything. But when he called me by my last name, it really brought me back to high school. (Perhaps it was because reunion hadn't worn off yet.) And upon reflection, I realized that it was really nice not to have anything to live up to, no familial reputation that precedes me. No expectations at all, except to work my hardest to learn law.

OK, now I'm veering towards the cheesy.

As for the title of this post ... I think not giving my number out to guys in bars is a reflection of another personality trait -- my impatience. I am NOT good at sitting on my arse waiting. I'm not very vested in any phone calls I may receive as o result of last weekend, but anticipating and even the small part of me that hopes for a phone call would really just rather pick up the phone and make the call, even if it results in rejection. I am not very good at playing the traditional female role, as tantalizing as the prospect of being chased may seem. In the words of Prof. Family Law, I'm a can do kinda girl, I think.