semi stress free
we are on spring break. technically, spring break doesn't start until tomorrow, but any sunday when i'm not cooped up in the library reading con law is a pretty damn good sunday.

boston is kind of lonely. well, just in terms of school friends. i did get to hang out with some non-law school friends, and that was great.

i was pretty much banking my summer on one job. and i got turned down for that job. that was rough. although it was stupid of me to be relying on it so much. however, i'm realizing that i was probably doing that because i was lazy and didn't want to think about summer jobs.

i think i'm driving down to new jersey tomorrow. i would go tonight but there is no internet at my parents' house and i have to apply for jobs, some of which require applications by this weekend.

i went to church today. it was nice not to think about how i really needed to go to the library and do my con law homework. it was also nice because i think i am starting to break out of my protective shell. a few years ago, life just started to become too painful and i put up barriers that have, in many instances, prevented me from feeling the full emotional impact of events. particularly in terms of world events. because, and i think i have confessed this before, i was in new york on 9/11 and i never fully dealt with it. and all the war and crap (to put it blithely) that have been going on since, well, i just feel so overwhelmed by the order of magnitude of world events over which i have no control. so instead of letting it get to me, i just put a box around all those feelings, and others.

but ... this goes counter to my beliefs. if i have faith in god, i must also have faith that god is in control, that god is taking care of me, and the world. that there is meaning in all this. i'm starting to realize this ... how by having no hope and thinking certain things are too overwhelming to deal with is equivalent to being unfaithful. i think also that at the same time i had put the box up, i had also shut god out, and this has led to some seriously unhealthy un-me-like behavior.

this realization was incredibly powerful and liberating. but i know it will be a process.

thank goodness i have all this emotional spare time, now, because it's spring break.