Saturday, April 10, 2004

i have three weddings to attend in august. and somehow, tonight, i ended up at a gathering in the inland empire for a wedding i'm not even invited to. the bride and groom weren't there, but a lot of their friends from high school were and i got to tag along. it was nice, actually. but going to weddings, i'm obviously confronting the issue of marriage full-on, in the sense that i can't really put it away in the back of my head. and not that i'm really confronting it, but the whole idea of getting married is right there in front of you, walking down the aisle and pledging their everlasting love on an altar of some sort. my point is, tonight i kind of had to confront it mentally without the pleasure of getting to eat wedding cake in the very near future.

i'm okay. i know i'm okay. i love my independence and i love my life. i am so grateful for the experiences that i've had, that i've had the freedom (and resources) to have them. not just abroad, but all over the states too. in short, i've been very nomadic and transient in my lifestyle lately. it's actually, objectively speaking, very priveleged and, well, nice. they've helped shape me into the person i am today, someone who is self-aware, acknowledges a MULTITUDE of flaws, and tries her hardest to change them.

but i can feel my body yearning for children. mentally, it freaks me out and i can logically talk myself out of having kids, at the very least adopting when the time and situation are right. but i see pudgy, rolly, sweet-smelling babies, even obnoxious kids who run around and kick your seat on the airplane for 12 hours straight, all of it, they make my body physically yearn. i try to explain it away as biological, but maybe it's more mental than i'm willing to give it credit.

truth be told, i'm PETRIFIED of making myself vulnerable to another. and maybe i cling to my independence, my free-spiritedness, my adventurous lifestyle as a justification for not having to open myself up. not really such a bad thing, but what if i miss THE opportunity? surely i have more faith than that...

i have decided that moving to boston will be the best thing for me. three years, law school is. even if i study abroad for a semester, i am essentially in ONE PLACE for THREE YEARS. not since college have i done that. it'll be more stability, more continuity. and also, i'll have a community of close friends and acquaintances in boston, something i know i need. i lean heavily on my friends and it'll be so nice to be able to pop over to a friend's house and say, hey, i'm feeling down, let's have dinner. and finally, i'll be in new england. traveling this last month has reminded me how important nature is to me -- wide open green and blue spaces. it's like as soon as i alight my eyes upon such a glorious sight, everything within me realigns to right. like, all good and copasetic, man. hopefully the universities will agree with me ...

so why am i rambling here. yes this is a journal but as of late, i haven't been ranting here too much. well, it's jet lag. horrible obnoxious jet lag. i've ALWAYS had more trouble traveling east, because i'm kind of a late bird to start with, and when i travel east, i often find myself staying up until sunrise, sleeping until 4pm. i've had the screwiest sleep schedule since i've gotten to l.a., the details of which i won't bore you with here. in short, my internal clock is FUCKED.

i leave you with a new thing i learned today. on my cellular plan, i can txt anyone in the world for 15 cents. on the plan i had in new zealand, a txt anywhere in the world costs NZ20 cents.

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