homecoming
i'm home, living with my parents in new jersey. god that sounds so pathetic. but the idea is to save money so i can get the rock out, and this is the best place to do it. grin and bear it, baby.

my tentative plan is to return to new zealand, hopefully by the new year. but recent and not-so-recent events have helped me realize that my original expectations for my return were unrealistic and probably unhealthy. if i go back, i can't have what i had. not only because, well, i can't, but because it'd be living in the past and it's not really me in a way. so if i do go back, it's going to be different, but it will still be great.

for the time being, then, i will look for employment, temporary or full-time. i will exercise, train, live, have fun, and start my novel of the great american variety.

oh, and as for the road trip, it was fun but long and arduous. but i have now been to 49 of the 50 united states. maine, here i come. the national parks (yellowstone, petrified forest, arches, etc.) were amazing. visiting friends was great fun. dancing with gay latino men was cool, too, except for how badly my back hurt the next day. graceland was the absolute highlight, however. and for the time being, i'm enjoying being alone and stationary.

have made it to the west coast of the united states, after what seems like an endless amount of days on the road, but was just nine. i really dig seattle. got to catch up with an old friend, who i met when she was 18 and now she's all grown up and shit. got to go out last night, too, and i am really digging this city. for a few minutes this morning started looking for jobs and am feeling very very lost and misguided about my life, but the astrologer said this was ok. so do i take it to heart? i don't know. there are so many different conflicting voices in me. what to do ... well, for now it's time for an oil change (5,000 miles already!) and off to SoCal. yeay!

so what will i do with this godforsaken blog that has wreaked so much havoc and grief? i think i will turn it into my travel blog. for in the morning, i am heading off on a month-long road trip around the us. today just got new tires and brake rotors for my car and spent as much money as i did buying an entire car in new zealand.

on the road again ... broke, but on the road again ...

triumvirate
wow life sucks right now. i've lost nearly all my friends in new zealand in one fell swoop. i crashed the camp van and it caught on fire, though thankfully no one was hurt. and i missed a court hearing that i didn't know i had and for a few days i was a fugitive. there was a warrant out for my arrest and my dad had to go post bail!!! i've been working at camp and couldn't go to the hearing anyways, but that was a shocker of a phone call to get from my parents.

my life sucks right now. please forgive me!

shamer on me
i wish i could be there for you to all yell at and kick at and vent your hurt and anger on. and i wish i could be there to apologize in person. but i'm not, and as much as i'd like to, i can't justify the expense of flying out there.

please accept my apologies.

i hate that the last thought you're going to have of me is one where you think i am a judgmental bitch who looked down on you and thought lesser of you. because that is so far from the truth you have no idea. what i wrote here were moments. after a frustrating day, i'd run to the internet cafe and bitch and moan in writing instead of venting at my friends. and if you know me, when i'm emotional, i say really harsh things. and the writer in me wants to write in a shocking way, just as when i'm speaking out loud i try to be as shocking and entertaining as possible. i just fucked up in not considering that this is a public forum. (stupid stupid me.)

the truth is, though, that i have met really amazing people. i don't think you have any idea how amazing i thought you were. my entire experience in new zealand, and the people i met there, the friends i made, have helped me to understand more about the world, instead of being some closed-minded dumbass ethnocentric american. i had intense cultural experiences and i was challenged both by the course and on a personal level. and in the end, i've come to understand better just how different things are, and how different situations create different results. that life is just different for everyone. and when i say different, it's not a judgment. weird is a judgment. different is an acceptance. and it's always good to see and be around things that are different than your comfort zone, or what you're used to. and that's part of what my experience was in new zealand. and it hurts me to think that i've hurt you in some way. the words written here were spontaneous, for my friends in the states to theoretically read, that they were shocking and for maximum impact. and in reality, you who made so much of my experience wonderful hold a very fond place in my heart.

i will apologize as many times as is necessary, and in time i will bend to your will and do what you ask, because i know that you are right and i am wrong. and i am so so so so sorry.

shame on me
the words on this website were never meant to be read by anybody, really. not even the friends i shared the link with. (a sort of stupid expectation.) and especially not anyone i wrote about. that was my own ignorance and stupidity, and i offer the sincerest and deepest of apologies to anyone i hurt with my words. i don't think i'll ever be able to explain myself sufficiently, especially from 12,000 miles away, but this is going to have to do. i don't think you have any idea how badly i feel.

for what it's worth, though, i'm just an ignorant ass who used this website as a way to vent. my time in new zealand, as much as i miss it and as much as i loved it, was not necessarily easy for me. and it wasn't always fun. i was sometimes frustrated, and i was also sometimes culturally shocked. and instead of ranting and raving in person to persons, i used this to vent. perhaps that was my mistake, but writing is a big outlet for me and a big part of my identity. if i had said these same words out loud, and someone was hurt, i'd usually tell him/her to get hard. but these were not all words meant in that way. my mistake was treating this forum as if it were a journal i lock in my desk instead of as a public space. like i said, i'm just a big time fuck up ignorant ass.

and also like i said, i will never be able to find the right words to convey how badly i feel about this mistake.

home sweet home
i'm home folks. actually, i'm sitting in the girl scout office in new jersey, but the point is is that i'm not in new zealand. (sigh.) things are pretty good. it's good that i'm busy and my dad is out of the country and it's really really green here, since it's spring and it was winter where i left. but every once in a while, i get these pangs of missing my friends in new zealand.

we moved house right before i left, so i didn't have a room so much as a storage shed. i think it'll be months before i get my room all set up, since i have camp and then the road trip. at least i have a bed. but living in new zealand out of two suitcases these past several months has made me really appreciate the simpler life, one less burdened by stuff. so i'm in the process of giving stuff away, like my clothes to good will.

i don't know what i'm going to do with this website now that i'm back in the united states. but since i'm thinking about going back to new zealand, maybe i'll keep this active and put up the occasional update on what i am going to do. i'm in the us until at least october, though, because i really want to be here for a friend's wedding.

sigh. i can't believe i'm back.

grr
i must be leaving soon. i've just resorted to outright arguments with the guys in this house. i make obnoxious comments to peter the fob's face. and i argue with nelson for the sake of arguing. maybe i just hate men. nah!

things i forget
did you know that down here, flipping a light switch up is turning it off?

a monkey wrench is called a spanner here. and the expression works the same, to throw a spanner into a situation.

will you hate me if i decide to come back?

i'm really really into the bachelorette. i had to peel myself away from the tv, because i couldn't deal with the suspense and just the sheer number of guys. i think i'll have to tune in after they're whittled down a bit. oh wait, i think the show at home is over. oh poo. damn kiwi tv.

umm, ok that's it. bye.

gratuitous update
my nipple is going through an itchy phase right now. and last night i peeled skin off of it, like the whole thing. i think that was skinn that was burned/killed when the piercing lady sprayed me with this icy-freeze stuff. yowser.

i am sick as a dog right now, and trying my damndest to dive my head off so i can get my DiveCon cert, but it looks like this cold is going to put a damper in my plans. even though my (ex) instructor, andrew, is trying his damndest to get me to 60 dives. i'm currently at 41. UGH. you're not supposed to dive if you feel unwell at all, so i've really been pushing my luck these last few weeks. because that's how long i've been unwell.