Wednesday, June 25, 2003

shamer on me
i wish i could be there for you to all yell at and kick at and vent your hurt and anger on. and i wish i could be there to apologize in person. but i'm not, and as much as i'd like to, i can't justify the expense of flying out there.

please accept my apologies.

i hate that the last thought you're going to have of me is one where you think i am a judgmental bitch who looked down on you and thought lesser of you. because that is so far from the truth you have no idea. what i wrote here were moments. after a frustrating day, i'd run to the internet cafe and bitch and moan in writing instead of venting at my friends. and if you know me, when i'm emotional, i say really harsh things. and the writer in me wants to write in a shocking way, just as when i'm speaking out loud i try to be as shocking and entertaining as possible. i just fucked up in not considering that this is a public forum. (stupid stupid me.)

the truth is, though, that i have met really amazing people. i don't think you have any idea how amazing i thought you were. my entire experience in new zealand, and the people i met there, the friends i made, have helped me to understand more about the world, instead of being some closed-minded dumbass ethnocentric american. i had intense cultural experiences and i was challenged both by the course and on a personal level. and in the end, i've come to understand better just how different things are, and how different situations create different results. that life is just different for everyone. and when i say different, it's not a judgment. weird is a judgment. different is an acceptance. and it's always good to see and be around things that are different than your comfort zone, or what you're used to. and that's part of what my experience was in new zealand. and it hurts me to think that i've hurt you in some way. the words written here were spontaneous, for my friends in the states to theoretically read, that they were shocking and for maximum impact. and in reality, you who made so much of my experience wonderful hold a very fond place in my heart.

i will apologize as many times as is necessary, and in time i will bend to your will and do what you ask, because i know that you are right and i am wrong. and i am so so so so sorry.

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