Impetuous
Tonight, we had an intramural volleyball game. The other team didn't show, and the refs were half an hour late setting up the net. As the supervisor was putting up the last antenna, we started scrimmaging ourselves. The ball hit the net and she said, can't you guys just wait 30 seconds? And I said, look. we've been waiting half an hour, we only have half an hour left, can't we just start playing? And she was like, don't give me attitude. And then she was in my face, and kind of tried to argue with me some more, don't give me attitude. I looked at her, and her smug Asian face, and I just laid in on her. Yes, I had had a bad day, but the real reason was because I looked at her, saw HER, and then lost control of myself. Five minutes after we were done arguing, I went and apologized. She was no less smug and self-righteous, and if I were arguing for the right reasons, I wouldn't have stood down, but I was arguing for the wrong reasons. And after I apologized, I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. Again. Because 45 minutes earlier, I had somehow fallen into the pity trap. I was pitying myself and my pathetic life and all the shitty things that happen to me in my love life. And that self-pity made me an ugly person. I can't hate my own people. I shouldn't hate anyone, but why do I hate my own people? At least tonight I did. This isn't right. And for that reason, I'm done. Done with writing about him. And her. This blog is supposed to be about traveling, dammit!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Fade to Black
Fade to Black
Today, I went in the other entrance to school, the one that does not make me go by the office where I had that rather "awkward" encounter last week. I didn't want to see her, if she were there. More than that, I didn't want to see him.
My feelings are fading. The magic of it all is fading. I haven't seen or heard from him since we parted ways on Saturday. (Unless you count him accepting me as his friend on MySpace.) I think I've found the place where I can't disrespect myself like this anymore. Where I'm tired of feeling ... so much. I know there will be oscillations and I will come in and out of this place, but I think, in the end, this is where I will come to rest.
Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was starting to get down about him, and then in the middle of class I read about the plane crashing into the apartment building in NYC. I couldn't get any more information and I wanted nothing more than to watch CNN. So I left class, came up to the journal office, found out the TV was broken, finally got a little more information on the internet, and then tried to take a nap, but I just ended up crying. So I found a friend, bought some chocolate cake, and talked. And it made me feel so much better.
In other news, I've got a new honorary position as webmaster. Take a look-see. If you know anyone who is really good at animations and wants to create some sort of flash intro or something for us, pro bono, that would be awesome.
PS That page was made using Dreamweaver. Free for 30 days.
Today, I went in the other entrance to school, the one that does not make me go by the office where I had that rather "awkward" encounter last week. I didn't want to see her, if she were there. More than that, I didn't want to see him.
My feelings are fading. The magic of it all is fading. I haven't seen or heard from him since we parted ways on Saturday. (Unless you count him accepting me as his friend on MySpace.) I think I've found the place where I can't disrespect myself like this anymore. Where I'm tired of feeling ... so much. I know there will be oscillations and I will come in and out of this place, but I think, in the end, this is where I will come to rest.
Yesterday, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was starting to get down about him, and then in the middle of class I read about the plane crashing into the apartment building in NYC. I couldn't get any more information and I wanted nothing more than to watch CNN. So I left class, came up to the journal office, found out the TV was broken, finally got a little more information on the internet, and then tried to take a nap, but I just ended up crying. So I found a friend, bought some chocolate cake, and talked. And it made me feel so much better.
In other news, I've got a new honorary position as webmaster. Take a look-see. If you know anyone who is really good at animations and wants to create some sort of flash intro or something for us, pro bono, that would be awesome.
PS That page was made using Dreamweaver. Free for 30 days.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Long Weekend
The Long Weekend
First, that is my new hair color. I dyed it again last week b/c it was getting really mousy and brown. The color is way more intense this time around because, as my stylist explained, he could use more color and less of the stuff needed to lighten my naturally black hair. I believe him, too, because my shower is pink and my hands are pink from washing my hair. Also, my stylist told me to put olive oil in my hair to help lock in moisture. Just don't go rubbing any bread on my head, ok?
Second, we had our softball tournament yesterday. It was fun! We lost our first game to a school across the river. It was a blowout, 43-8 or something like that. Not really a good reason to get up at 5:30am for a 7am start. But we eventually came back and won our next two games, including a game against a rival up the road. That was a very, very good game. And the other team was funny because they had full on baseball uniforms, pants, kneesocks, and everything. We have now advanced to the next round, to be played next Saturday.
The weather was lovely - partly sunny, partly breezy. It was only about 60 degrees, though, so if the sun wasn't shining, it was actually quite cold. I think I've come down with something. Actually, it's probably just my old cold coming back to haunt me.
I played like crap yesterday. I couldn't throw five feet to first base. I just choked. Playing against a team from another school made me quite nervous and I just choked. Several times. It was awful. There is talk, however, of scrimmaging on a regular basis against a team from another school. This will help rid me of my nerves, I think. Also, it's an excuse to "be involved" despite my exclamations otherwise.
First, that is my new hair color. I dyed it again last week b/c it was getting really mousy and brown. The color is way more intense this time around because, as my stylist explained, he could use more color and less of the stuff needed to lighten my naturally black hair. I believe him, too, because my shower is pink and my hands are pink from washing my hair. Also, my stylist told me to put olive oil in my hair to help lock in moisture. Just don't go rubbing any bread on my head, ok?
Second, we had our softball tournament yesterday. It was fun! We lost our first game to a school across the river. It was a blowout, 43-8 or something like that. Not really a good reason to get up at 5:30am for a 7am start. But we eventually came back and won our next two games, including a game against a rival up the road. That was a very, very good game. And the other team was funny because they had full on baseball uniforms, pants, kneesocks, and everything. We have now advanced to the next round, to be played next Saturday.
The weather was lovely - partly sunny, partly breezy. It was only about 60 degrees, though, so if the sun wasn't shining, it was actually quite cold. I think I've come down with something. Actually, it's probably just my old cold coming back to haunt me.
I played like crap yesterday. I couldn't throw five feet to first base. I just choked. Playing against a team from another school made me quite nervous and I just choked. Several times. It was awful. There is talk, however, of scrimmaging on a regular basis against a team from another school. This will help rid me of my nerves, I think. Also, it's an excuse to "be involved" despite my exclamations otherwise.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
P.S.
P.S.
You'd really make it a lot easier for me not to hate you if you didn't, upon finding me in mid-sentence with him, come in and stand next to him and nod condescendingly as I, after introducing myself for the second time, stutter my way out.
And if you do, I promise that the next time I find myself in that situation (but hopefully I won't), I won't declare, "Awkward!"
You'd really make it a lot easier for me not to hate you if you didn't, upon finding me in mid-sentence with him, come in and stand next to him and nod condescendingly as I, after introducing myself for the second time, stutter my way out.
And if you do, I promise that the next time I find myself in that situation (but hopefully I won't), I won't declare, "Awkward!"
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
To Her
To Her
I don't know you. You spoke to me, but just barely. I don't like the way you were scoping me out and being all confrontational like. It was weird, but in retrospect, kind of made sense. I don't hate you. I don't really blame you. It's note your fault. You did nothing wrong, besides the slightly odd behavior at the party. It's kind of his fault. It's also his and his fault, too, but you don't know them, and they're my baggage. I may never like you, but you have to understand that whatever you're feeling, I feel it, too, and maybe even more. And if it were anything less, I would probably hate him and probably do my best to befriend you, because you probably are cool. But not this time. This time it's different. Still, I am your sister and you are mine, and besides trying to look fabulous every freaking day, I'm going to try not to get in your way. I'm going to try not to step on your toes. I'm not going to kick you in the head, even tho' I can. I'm not going to like you, but I'm not going to hate you. I'm not going to get in your way and subvert your relationship, because I believe in everything in due course, and I believe in respect for other people; I believe in supporting other people's relationships, no matter how my heart feels about the matter.
This is a ride, not a fight.
I don't know you. You spoke to me, but just barely. I don't like the way you were scoping me out and being all confrontational like. It was weird, but in retrospect, kind of made sense. I don't hate you. I don't really blame you. It's note your fault. You did nothing wrong, besides the slightly odd behavior at the party. It's kind of his fault. It's also his and his fault, too, but you don't know them, and they're my baggage. I may never like you, but you have to understand that whatever you're feeling, I feel it, too, and maybe even more. And if it were anything less, I would probably hate him and probably do my best to befriend you, because you probably are cool. But not this time. This time it's different. Still, I am your sister and you are mine, and besides trying to look fabulous every freaking day, I'm going to try not to get in your way. I'm going to try not to step on your toes. I'm not going to kick you in the head, even tho' I can. I'm not going to like you, but I'm not going to hate you. I'm not going to get in your way and subvert your relationship, because I believe in everything in due course, and I believe in respect for other people; I believe in supporting other people's relationships, no matter how my heart feels about the matter.
This is a ride, not a fight.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
A New Experience
A New Experience
Inexplicably lost in conversation for two hours. We couldn't end this if we wanted to. So we'll make the best of it.
Well, this is a new place for me. This limbo. This unconsummatedness. It feels weird, but could be good. It could be good for me to have the friendship, attraction and laughter, but keep my hands off. It's something I should have been doing, but never have. And this is good b/c I'm not really one who meddles in other people's relationships - at least not with the intention of breaking the relationship up, because sometimes I meddle by giving bad, bad advice. This is scary. And this is sad. And yet, my life is still more joyful for having met him. So I'm also happy.
Inexplicably lost in conversation for two hours. We couldn't end this if we wanted to. So we'll make the best of it.
I've already said so much. I'm not sure I have anything else to say.
This was all bad timing. I wasn't expecting to meet you. I like you.
Meeting me was good?
Yes. I want to spend time with you.
What does that mean? How would we do that?
We'll hang out. In groups, and whatever. Just, we won't drink alone. That was ok before, but it's not really ok now.
Yeah. The not drinking alone part is a good idea. But the rest, it's not going to be easy. I'm not looking forward to seeing you guys together again, as I inevitably will. And this is my last year, I made a conscious choice to be more social. I'm going to have fun.
I'll do my best not to make it awkward.
I'm sorry, I have baggage. This is the third time; this is too familiar. I know part of this isn't you at all.
I know. I'm sorry, I have baggage, too. I know where you are; I know it's not easy.
Why is honesty so hard to find in people?
I know. I look around at people and see all the infidelity.
People just can't control their liquor...Just...don't regret this. That would be sad.
I don't. This was bad timing. Which is odd because it's been so long since I've been in a relationship.
Me too. Sometimes, when it rains, it pours.
I'm paying for dinner, because I'm a douchebag.
Well, this is a new place for me. This limbo. This unconsummatedness. It feels weird, but could be good. It could be good for me to have the friendship, attraction and laughter, but keep my hands off. It's something I should have been doing, but never have. And this is good b/c I'm not really one who meddles in other people's relationships - at least not with the intention of breaking the relationship up, because sometimes I meddle by giving bad, bad advice. This is scary. And this is sad. And yet, my life is still more joyful for having met him. So I'm also happy.
A Break
A Break
I'm feeling smudgy from all the guys I've had the (mis)fortune of having in my life lately. I'm taking a break.
I'm feeling smudgy from all the guys I've had the (mis)fortune of having in my life lately. I'm taking a break.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Missing
Missing
Lost, over the course of the weekend:
- one scarf, multi-colored and striped [I hear it will be returned to me after the puke is washed off]
- one cane, wooden-like ["borrowed" from journal office for pimpin']
- one trench coat, black [brrrrr]
Lost, over the course of the weekend:
- one scarf, multi-colored and striped [I hear it will be returned to me after the puke is washed off]
- one cane, wooden-like ["borrowed" from journal office for pimpin']
- one trench coat, black [brrrrr]
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