I Am a Loner

I have decided that I am a loner. I might be a very social loner, but I contend that I am a loner nonetheless.

One of the only things that brings me pure joy is cooking for other people. Last weekend, I had another brunch. Next week, I get to cook my BFF's 30th birthday dinner. I can't stop thinking about it and planning the menu in my head.

Will post recipes later.

The Only Consolation

Last night, I again got to see first hand what is so bad about getting involved with your schoolmates. After three weeks of not seeing each other, he came to *my* friend's birthday party with some girl I kind of know, and then spent the entire night semi ignoring me, talking to her, and probably trying to get in her pants. At least, that's what it looked like to me. Anyway, it was hard not talking to him like we had in the past, and feeling this awkwardness and this distance.

The only consolation if they did end up going home together is that when her top came off, my name was signed across her meager chest in blue sharpie.

HA!

Yeah, I started the writing on people with sharpies thing. I started it by writing on myself. Oddly enough, this was not the first time it has happened. But, it was the first time everyone else jumped on the bandwagon and let themselves be written on, too.

It all started when I was about to write my name on myself when someone came up and said, Oh, may I? Of course!

Also, I got a new hair color.

I'm Just Not That Into You

Fishermen in New Zealand have caught an enormous squid, over 30 feet long and weighing about 990 pounds. It's so big, it's not a giant squid, it's a colossal squid. No, really, that's its technical name.

See here for more.

On a personal note, I have been sucking at blogging lately. It partly has to do with gmail, but it partly has to do with being kinda busy. Life is good, though. Last night, I went out, and talked to strangers and friends and had lots of fun but didn't act on any impulses, despite there being ample opportunity. It was more like the normal me.

I also went home for Chinese New Year last weekend. I had such a good time with my family, which is unusual. It did help that I was buzzed most of the time. It was kind of sad that my dad couldn't drink. The man owns some amazing expensive liquors, and now that I'm interested in drinking and trying them, it would be great fun to share them with my dad. But he kind of burned out his drinking ability early in life, which was sad, b/c I imagine it was really hard for him to sit there and watch his kids drink and not be able to share.

I drank some Johnnie Walker Blue. We didn't have ice, so we used frozen blackberries. The blackberries were tasty afterwards. I think I like JW Gold and Green better. Anyways. There are pictures, but not now. For now, enjoy the colossal squid.

A Moment

Last week, I went over and had dinner with some friends. They invited me, and a few other people, out of recognition for us hosting them when their heat went out. It was a lovely evening, with great food, mediocre wine, and good, relaxing times, on a Tuesday night.

Late in the evening, one of the friends turned to me and said something, I don't remember what, but I think it had to do with where they are this weekend, and how I'm not there, but going to my parents' house instead. (Because it's lunar New Year.)

In response, I said, "You only think I'm interesting b/c you don't know me as well as everyone else."

"[Hap]," he said, but didn't say, "I don't think you're allowed to say you're on the outside of this group of friends. It's been long enough."

The full impact of that statement hit me just today. Or maybe it's just my snot-filled head making shit up. I don't know. But I see other people's close group of friends and I call it insularity. (Although, as objective as I can be, there is some of that, too.) Then I look at my life and I realize, there is this group of people who are inviting me to be in their lives, and I have created some self-imposed outsideness.

I don't think I want to belong. I just want my friends, pick and choose them, and keep them distant and let them in when it's handy. I don't know. I've never been a big fan of letting people get to know me. Letting them in too much. I'm not sure I'm going to change this, but at the very least, I need to be aware of how I let it effect the way I see things.

Did I mention that I'm sick?

Wintry Mix

Tonight, I ventured out to play in an intramural broomball game. I was all set, in my amazing Sorel snowboots, tramping through 6-inch puddles without a care in the world, feet dry as.

I did not anticipate, however, that I would need to shield my eyeballs from hail. It was very uncomfortable.

An Update

There is not much to say. Life continues to plod on.

I woke up missing the boy the other day. Which was weird, b/c the day before, I woke up missing AF boy. I think I just like boys. I am trying to make peace with the boy, though. I'm not sure how he's taking it.

I went to swim class on Monday for the first time in a week. Actually, I've been to the class a grand total of two times, and both times, this punk ass kid in my lane ran me over. Like, as soon as I pushed off, he pushed off, too. Look, prick, I know you're faster than me, that's why I pull over and let you pass me sometimes. But when you're resting between sets, you can wait 10 seconds and let me finish my set, don't you think? You don't own the fucking lane. And I told him that, piercing the quiet air with my somewhat shrieky voice.

Today, I decided to sleep in.

Also, my car is breaking. Apparently, the new way to start my car is first to put the key in, then bang on the key and then try to start the car. Repeat as necessary. It's weird. I'm bringing it to the dealer tomorrow, the earliest they could see me. Fuckers.

This weekend I am going home. Hooray! It is Chinese New Year and it is my favorite family holiday. Well, it's the only holiday we really celebrate.

The funniest song I've heard in a while is the Ben Folds cover of Dr. Dre's song "Bitches Ain't Shit." You can find it here as song 27. The whole website is pretty damn good for downloading real MP3s.

No!

Yesterday, my Chinese food delivery guy (who was Chinese, of course) asked me if I was Korean. I found that startling.

Bargain Success

No drama, no sketchyness. Now I need to figure out how to ratchet down the retarded factor. And the coming home and eating like I'm high factor. And quelling my inner sloth.

I feel myself slowly coming back to me.

Resolutions

It is Thursday night. My weekend kind of starts now, although I have class tomorrow, the homework assignment is light, and, well, I'm about to graduate and I have a job so I hardly can find the motivation and the drive.

I just vow that tonight will be about restraint and self-control. It will not have sketchyness, it will not have drama.

And away we go.

Cold

When, on a balmy January afternoon, I strolled into a sporting goods store and dropped $200 on a beautiful down North Face coat, I worried that I was going to be wasting my money. Since October, we hadn't really gotten below freezing at all, and we were having nearly 60 degree days even in January.

Well, after three weeks of this deep freeze, I'm incredibly grateful for that fortuitous afternoon that joined me with my new favorite coat. I'm tired of this cold. My eyeballs hurt.

That Was Unexpected

I don't remember much of last night, but I do remember leaving the bar in a flurry of tears. I think I had given up on him b/c I thought he had given up on me. I think I was wrong. Even if it was the booze in him talking, there was enough booze in me to make it meaningful, meaningful enough to send me running away into a cab, sobbing, and still remembering the feel of his body on mine as we hugged.

Dammit.

I Am Me

I realized today how much I do NOT need a boyfriend. Sure, I like to have fun, I like to make out, but I have no reason to have another person in my life. Today, after teaching for 75 minutes, I snapped out of this trance-like state where all I was thinking about was my students and what they were learning. And I think we taught them a lot today. And that's not an easy thing to do. And then my life, my shit, came flooding back, and I realized that I am incredibly capable and independent and strong. I rely on myself a lot, but I also have lots of amazing friends (and God) who support me. I don't need a boy.

Sure, I realize that having a boyfriend is choosing into a . . . blessing, a gift, but it's also incredibly burdensome and hard. And I don't NEED it. And I'm happy without it. And I'm going to rediscover the independent me that I've lost and gotten muddled in the last few months.

No, I really mean it. Hooray!