Friday, January 12, 2007

I Think I Understand

I have been incredibly depressed ever since I've gotten home. I want nothing to do with most people, the same people who, before I left, were my entire social life at school. I want to back out of everything I have planned (except maybe the softball trip). I keep reliving things I thought I was over and were in the past, relegated to nothing more than a sad footnote.

And just now, in the toilet, I had an epiphany as to why I've been this way. Maybe it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me; I could only tie it to some sort of post-trip slump. But the truth is, my vacation was incredibly liberating. Last semester, my life was fodder for gossip. And pity. Some of it was in my control, some of it was less so. Also, in the last 2.5 years of law school, I've had to deal with my own insecurities and, increasingly more, the insecurities and pathologies of my peers.


In contrast, while I was in China, I was alone most of the time. Anyone I interacted with, I knew I wouldn't have to see them after a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days. Instead of being super bitchy, I was free and I was myself.

I know I don't have to fall back into the ways of last semester. And I have already vowed not to make the same boneheaded decisions I made last year, and more importantly, not to drink so much, which will probably help the boneheaded decision-making. But there is an inevitability of some of it. I can't completely ignore everyone, because, after all, they are my friends. And I'd get really lonely. Even though it sounds trite, I guess I just have to be true to myself.

Also, I think I am developing a regret. I am generally not a regretful person. I tend to look at the things in my life, the decisions I have made, as things that have helped me be the person I am. And while I have flaws, I like who I am. But this one decision, this one person, has just made me sad and mopey and prone to crying even when I'm riding the fucking airport express from Hong Kong to the Hong Kong Airport. Seriously. And that sadness, that hurtness, I regret that, no matter how much fucking hair it puts on my chest. It just feels like this huge could-have-been-earth-shatteringly-amazing that escaped, and my life is poorer for it. Maybe the positive gloss on that experience will come back when I'm not feeling so depressed about law school. Maybe.

I guess, on the upside, I have not become some bitter, jaded singleton who curses love and relationships. I guess.

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