The Final Word

I'm done. I've processed, and I'm done with it all. Here are the things I will take away from this experience--

I've learned my lesson. There is something sick and twisted about everything that goes on in law school. I've learned my lesson and while I won't stop having fun with my friends, I'm going to be sure to keep my life very, very distant from it all. And I've learned who I can trust and who I cannot.

But I'm not giving up on my values. Truth and honest conversations are things that we do not share enough of. And even if people are afraid of those hard conversations, that doesn't mean I should stop trying. What I like about telling the truth is there is no backing away - you can always point to it and say, well, it was the truth. If you can't deal with it, well, I'm sorry, but generally, there's nothing else to be done. Generally, things are sorted out after truth-telling b/c it's usually a misunderstanding. And smoothing out the misunderstanding usually fixes things, although sometimes hard hearts and hurt feelings get in the way.

And because we often misunderstand each other, I won't stop assuming the best about people. That a broken glass was an accident and not an attempted assault. That people are nice inside and want the best for others. That instead of overtly trying to hurt others, people are misunderstood and misconstrued. I don't think I have much reason to hold onto these values and beliefs, but they somehow give me hope in this world. That might sound cheesy, but consider what life would be like if you lived it thinking that everyone around you was out to get you. How burdensome.

That's not to say I don't have issues with it. It's not perfect, and even if I can know in my head that something is not malicious or nefarious or hurtful, sometimes my heart gets involved and muddles up my head. But I know that happens and I try pretty damn hard to sort it out, let my head overcome my heart, and to treat people fairly.

And I'm not perfect, but these are my values, and even if people prove me wrong time and time again, I am not going to let go of them.

To graduation!

More Ridiculousness

I think everyone in law school has come down with a serious case of the retardeds.

Or maybe it's that everyone else is sane and I'm the retarded one? Maybe everyone else is sane b/c they play right into the juvenile crap. Maybe it's me who plays into the juvenile crap and everyone else is above it? Is that possible? Maybe I'm below it b/c I'm not fully in it. I don't get it. I'm going to give up trying. I'm going crazy trying to figure it out. I can't wait to graduate.

Here are a few points / thoughts / questions I'd like to leave you with

- Is it hypocritical to say, I hate being gossip fodder, but then forwarding what was intended to be a mature, private conversation straightening things out to who knows how many people? How do you not call that gossip but then point fingers at other people for gossiping? Perhaps you don't see the line between gossip and confiding in friends. Frankly, I'd say putting up personal information about a third party on your AIM profile seems awfully gossipy and juvenile, if you ask me. But no one asks me. They just make assumptions.

- I feel like I'm in the middle. I'm neither here nor there. Yet they demonize me as someone who was breaking into their insular group of friends just b/c I prevented one of them from "coming home". Who the fuck says shit like that? And here, I'm lumped together with people who don't even know me, who I like and care about and hang out with, but really, it's all in search of a good time b/c if I were to drink alone, I'd be an official alcoholic. (That is not to say there aren't people I don't legitimately care for, but I'm getting on this bus a little late. They've all been getting to know each other for two years; I've been around for a few months. And I have other friends.)

- Isn't it an adult thing to, when someone wants to talk to you about friendship and stuff, to actually sit down and talk? The retarded thing to do would be to make excuses and etc. And perhaps have you considered the fact that maybe serious talks are not very productive b/c all you do is get defensive?

I'm so confused I have no idea what is right or wrong anymore. I don't know why I bother caring, or bother trying. I give up.

Denoument

I hate insularity and hypocrisy. I especially hate hypocrisy. And there has been a lot of it flying around. Or it's being used as an excuse.

I am free, a free woman. I feel oddly calm and ambivalent. Maybe I didn't like him as much as I thought. Either way, it's good to finally fucking know.

One final thought - it's one thing to care so much that other people are talking about you. It's another to grow a fucking pair and not let it bug you. Because one is playing into it, and the other is putting yourself above it. You figure it out.

Oh, and it's one thing to be an adult. It's another thing to act like one. I am more and more surprised every day by how immature people are.

Step Back and Laugh at It

I was talking to my BFF and I just realized how ridiculous this day was. Not only have I got the boy issues, I've got the issues of the 100 other people who, for God only knows what reason, have their fingers in the pot.

Then, I had an extended conversation with AF boy, after which, as we were disembarking the elevator, some friend of theirs saw us and boy did I feel scrutinized.

Then, a few hours ago, out of the blue, NY Boy from the summer IM'ed me for the first time in well over a month. He was as self-centered and not interested in me as he always was.

I'm waiting for my college sweetheart to ring and my ex-tkd instructor love interest to show up on my doorstep.

The Dropping of the Other Shoe

I knew something was wrong last night. It was so obvious. It was so confusing. So today, I had it out.

I feel like something I was excited about trying to make happen has broken because of things that are out of my control. He has his friends, I have mine. He's known his friends since he started law school. The friends I hang out with now have just become my friends in the last several months. I'm still getting to know them, although one of them I consider a close friend, a trustworthy friend. One who is not a close friend, nor a trustworthy friend apparently opened her mouth once and drew the ire of one of his friends. It was ok, I thought. It didn't affect me and him, and I sorted it out with her. Thus, I thought that drama was over.

Apparently, Fox wants to pick up the show, like it can't produce anything original on its own. (OK, maybe not Fox. CBS? CW?) And now, what I thought was settled between all the relevant parties has somehow grown into something that's affecting me and him. He, with whom I just decided I really liked and wanted to try and make things work. And instead of talking about it with me, he's making assumptions and taking his annoyance out on me, oh which isn't hurtful at all, is it? IN CASE YOU CAN'T GET SARCASM, IT IS HURTFUL.

I want to fight, but I almost feel like it's a losing battle. He's taking sides and making assumptions and being just as juvenile as the situation he's criticizing. I expected more, frankly, and have seen more mature, rational behavior from people several years younger.

But I want to fight. Partly because I like him, and partly because for the love of fucking God, I'm tired of things breaking down at this point.

We will see. I am giving it one last wholehearted effort. The laughs are worth it. I just wish it was about us, though, and not about other people. For once in my freaking life, or at least in my last year of law school, I'd like it to be about me, about us, and not about any third, fourth, fifth and tenth parties.

People Just Ought to Know Better

In Shanghai, we went to the Oriental Pearl Tower. It was, in short, a giant tower and you rode an elevator to the top and snap snap goes the camera...you know, the usual.

Since it was a cloudy day, the most amazing thing there was the entrance plaza. The music being piped in was ridiculously loud.

The song was killing me. I mean literally, on the inside, just like law school.

And I thought about law school b/c the song, despite being a pop love song, was full of the cheesiest legal expressions. I knew I could never do it justice, and I just HAD to remember it, so I took this video. And I just found the lyrics. So, enjoy!



Oriental Pearl TV Tower, Shanghai on Vimeo

Blue - All Rise

Yo, yo
Stargate
Yo, yo

Your honour please
Gotta believe what I say (say)
What I will tell (tell)
Happened just the other day (day)
I must confess (confess)
'Cos I've had about enough (enough)
I need your help (help)
Got to make this here thing stop (stop)

Baby I swear I tell the truth (uhuh)
About all the things you used to do (come on)
And if you thought you had me fooled
I'm tellin' you now objection overruled
Here we go (oh baby)

One for the money and the free rides
It's two for the lie that you denied
All rise (all rise)
All rise (all rise, all rise)
Three for the calls you've been making
It's four for the times you've been faking
All rise (I'm gonna tell it to your face)
All rise (I rest my case)

You're on the stand (stand)
With your back against the wall (wall)
Nowhere to run (run)
And nobody you can call (call) oh no
I just can't wait (wait)
Now the case is open wide (wide)
You'll try to pray (pray)
But the jury will decide (decide)

Baby I swear I tell the truth (uhuh)
About all the things you used to do
And if you thought you had me fooled (come on)
I'm tellin' you now objection overruled
Oh baby

One for the money and the free rides
It's two for the lie that you denied
All rise (all rise)
All rise (all rise, all rise)
Three for the calls you've been making
It's four for the times you've been faking
All rise (I'm gonna tell it to your face)
All rise (I rest my case)

So step back 'cos you don't know this cat
I know deep down that you don't want me to react
I lay low leaving all my options open
The decision of the jury has not been spoken
Step in my house you find that your stuff has gone (gone)
But in reality to whom does the stuff belong
I bring you into court to preach my order
And you know that you overstep the border, uhuh

It's two for the lie that you denied (ooooh)
All rise (all rise)
All rise (all rise, all rise)
Three for the calls you've been making (yeah)
It's four for the times you've been faking
All rise (all rise, all rise)
All rise (all rise, all rise)

One for the money and the free rides (what you say)
It's two for the lie that you denied (can't you pay)
All rise (what you've done)
All rise
Three for the calls you've been making (what you say)
It's four for the times you've been faking (can't you pay)
All rise (what you've done)
All rise (where you've gone)

One for the money and the free rides
It's two for the lie that you denied (ohhh)
All rise (ohhh) all rise (uhuh uhuh)
Three for the calls you've been making
It's four for the times you've been faking
I said all rise
I'm gonna tell it to your face
All rise, I rest my case (uhuh uhuh)

An Assortment of Good Things

Last night, whilst out celebrating my friend's birthday, I could not SHUT UP about him. I officially have emotions.

I realized that I doubted for so long b/c it wasn't earth-shattering. Last time, it was earth-shattering, and so I thought for it to be right, it had to be earth-shattering. But earth-shattering shattered in my face. This has been a slow, incremental growth. And that is ok, too. It was nice to learn that.

That's not to say it's all perfect. But I'm happy.

I do keep waiting for it all to go to hell, but hopefully it won't.

On an unrelated note, here is a picture from my friend's engagement. Seems like it was an appropriately beautiful day.

For Those in the Know

You may or may not know I'm teaching a class - and we're not talking KinderCare, here, or taekwondo. I'm not going to get too much into it because if I do, it will all become quite obvious to anyone happening across this blog. But it's an amazing experience and we've just come off an amazing week where I felt like we did a great job and the students were really engaged and learning and surprising with their intelligence and knowledge. It's so exciting!

So, last night, I celebrated. (And this morning! HA!) I am in a good place right now. I am happy. It's refreshing. I just hope I'm not jinxing myself. I'd like an extended period of happiness, for a change.

Is that too pathetic?

Ignore the Man Behind the Mirror

The last post, while wholly accurate and true, was written while I was grumpy and tired. I was angry at all the crap that had happened this past weekend. Some of it affected me, some it was between friends of mine. And it's not that I got in the middle, but I just realized that everyone was being ridiculous because it was all a big misunderstanding and instead of the matter staying between the people directly involved, people got drawn in and people started taking sides, and as a result, the thing blew out of proportions. Acts were construed as being part of this whole war when really, it was probably just someone losing her balance or something simple like that. And I'm not exactly on a crusade to save amazing friendships, because that's not what it is, but I am on a crusade to not be dragged down into CRAP.

As for my own personal drama, the show was poorly written and has been canceled. No one wants to watch two people, and only the two people involved, tell the truth and straighten out what has been, ultimately, a big fat misunderstanding involving people who weren't even invited to be involved.

So, TH, thanks for your concern. Everything here is as it should be, which is somewhere between great and hellish, but it's law school, so what can you do. More importantly, CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so excited for you guys!

From Fear to Anger

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? WHY CAN'T THEY KEEP THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS SHUT? I UNDERSTAND GOSSIP AND I DO IT, BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING TO BREACH PARTY LINES AND TELL PEOPLE SHIT THEY SHOULDN'T BE TOLD. AND WHY DO PEOPLE FUCKING TAKE SIDES LIKE WE ARE FIGHTING A FUCKING LIFE AND DEATH WAR? REALLY? IT'S THE MOST JUVENILE RETARDED THING EVER. This weekend, i actually heard the words, well, she was really upset and I believe her. Really? I expected more. And why are we so hypocritical? I'm being hypocritical myself writing this email, but you can be hypocritical by saying, gee, I really wish people would come to me and find out the truth, but then doing the same thing yourself and looking at someone else like they are fucking satan incarnate. And the thing is, YOU'RE NOT EVEN INTERPRETING IT THE RIGHT WAY. Don't you see? It's my insecurity, it's my fear. I don't actually think there's anything wrong with you! And you're taking what someone ELSE said to you and attributing it to me, but even that was started by my own fears that I was doing something wrong, which I kind of was.

Christ almighty, this is fucking ridiculous.

Fear

There is fear in the pit of my stomach. The fear is a reaction to the stirring a little higher up. I'm so scared I could cry, actually. What happened to joy? I think it's there. I think I'm just not letting it poke it's head out.

I Love Skiing

Another milestone towards graduation checked off. This past weekend was the last school ski trip I will attend as a law student. Did I ski? No. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I drink? Of course. Was there drama? Predictably so. Was I involved? A little bit.

All I will say is that there is nothing like the feeling of your stomach dropping to your knees when you see the guy who was just kissing you have another girl all over him. Not that he was reciprocating per se, and not that everyone is like me because I think I'm particularly damaged in this regard, but it's an awful feeling. In the end, though, it feels good to be able to go to him and be like, hi, hey, let's talk, and nip it in the bud, and leave the party behind. And, incidentally, my jealousy gives me a clue as to the true state of things in my heart.

Another Milestone

I start my last semester tomorrow. Well, I guess I technically started it today, because I taught my first class today, but classes don't start until tomorrow at the law school where I'm actually enrolled full-time.

Yeah, I've been down. But talking to my BFF the other day made me feel a lot better, and focusing on a task, such as teaching, made me feel a lot better.

There is not that much to say. I just resolve to have a lot of fun, but also to have a lot more self-control this semester.

I'm ok. If you care at all, I'm ok.

This is totally discombobulated b/c I've had many beers.

Good night!

I Think I Understand

I have been incredibly depressed ever since I've gotten home. I want nothing to do with most people, the same people who, before I left, were my entire social life at school. I want to back out of everything I have planned (except maybe the softball trip). I keep reliving things I thought I was over and were in the past, relegated to nothing more than a sad footnote.

And just now, in the toilet, I had an epiphany as to why I've been this way. Maybe it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me; I could only tie it to some sort of post-trip slump. But the truth is, my vacation was incredibly liberating. Last semester, my life was fodder for gossip. And pity. Some of it was in my control, some of it was less so. Also, in the last 2.5 years of law school, I've had to deal with my own insecurities and, increasingly more, the insecurities and pathologies of my peers.

IT IS ALL INCREDIBLY TIRING AND DRAINING.

In contrast, while I was in China, I was alone most of the time. Anyone I interacted with, I knew I wouldn't have to see them after a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days. Instead of being super bitchy, I was free and I was myself.

I know I don't have to fall back into the ways of last semester. And I have already vowed not to make the same boneheaded decisions I made last year, and more importantly, not to drink so much, which will probably help the boneheaded decision-making. But there is an inevitability of some of it. I can't completely ignore everyone, because, after all, they are my friends. And I'd get really lonely. Even though it sounds trite, I guess I just have to be true to myself.

Also, I think I am developing a regret. I am generally not a regretful person. I tend to look at the things in my life, the decisions I have made, as things that have helped me be the person I am. And while I have flaws, I like who I am. But this one decision, this one person, has just made me sad and mopey and prone to crying even when I'm riding the fucking airport express from Hong Kong to the Hong Kong Airport. Seriously. And that sadness, that hurtness, I regret that, no matter how much fucking hair it puts on my chest. It just feels like this huge could-have-been-earth-shatteringly-amazing that escaped, and my life is poorer for it. Maybe the positive gloss on that experience will come back when I'm not feeling so depressed about law school. Maybe.

I guess, on the upside, I have not become some bitter, jaded singleton who curses love and relationships. I guess.

Nightmare

I just dreamt that I was in a plane and it was crashing. And even though we were cruising at altitude with the door open, and the cabin looked an awful lot like someone's living room, and my friend was piloting the plane, I totally believed it was real. And I thought I was going to die. So I closed my eyes and got in that hunched over position, and waited for death. It was so real. The pull of G forces, the sight of the ground getting closer through wispy clouds, the sound of the wind rushing, the sense of doom.

Then I finally eased out of sleep and realized that I was in fact in my cozy bed and my arm was asleep.

Unfortunately, because of jet lag and the adrenaline from thinking that I was dying, I am wide awake. Last night I managed to stay awake until 10pm. The night before, I crapped out at 8pm, missing a dinner party and seeing friends.

Oh, and on an unrelated note, I found out yesterday that I can adjust my Powerbook trackpad so that I can click on things by hitting the trackpad twice. You know, just like on PC laptops. This would have been especially useful information a year ago when, out of habit, I kept tapping on the damn thing. Oh well, better late than never, I suppose.

Outside Is Inside

I'm completely depressed. Wow, what a fall, after the trip. And to make matters worse, it's rainy and dreary here. Makes me feel completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING.

My Last Day - Macau!

My passport is pretty well stamped up! I got a stamp upon leaving Hong Kong and I got another one upon entering another Chinese SAR (Special Administrative Region), Macau. China originally leased the land to the Portuguese, and the locals and the Portuguese got rich through trade. But then Hong Kong took over as the primary trade center, and Macau decided to make money by legalizing gambling! Portugal returned the island back to China in the 1970s, but there are still many signs of the hundreds of years of Portuguese influence. Churches, custards, language, and inter-racial children.

When I first arrived in Hong Kong, I thought it was interesting, and rather cumbersome, that everything came in three languages - Mandarin, Cantonese and English. Every announcement on the MTR (subway) comes in threes. In Macau, throw Portuguese in the mix! Actually, you could probably take Mandarin out, so it's still three languages. But still.

I spent the whole day walking. Memo to you - if you ever arrive at the ferry terminal in Macau and think that downtown is not that far away, think again. It's not that far away, but when you spend the whole day walking, there's no point to walk all that way in a haze of car exhaust. Especially if you plan on walking up the hill to the Guia lighthouse and fortress.

Oh, and do be careful if you ever go to Macau. Where there are sidewalks, they are no more than a foot wide. I saw schoolchildren walking along this windy thoroughfare, presumably returning to classes after their lunch break, with nothing but a yellow painted line protecting Macau's future. But maybe you'll come for the gambling. I never did check out a casino, but whatever.

To the pictures!

China Day 9 - Macau

I met up with my friends for one last dinner in Hong Kong, had "beggar's chicken", which is a whole chicken baked in a mud shell. My friend and I got to break the shell with a giant mallet and had our picture taken. So touristy! Fantastic! Then we went for foot massages. Slightly sketchy, but totally awesome after a long day of walking. Not gonna lie, though, it fucking hurt.

On that note, I'm coming home!!! Well, first, a pit stop in LA!

If you're interested, I will eventually finish updating my blog. So do keep checking back... :)

I Give Up

I can't keep up with the writing. So I'm going to post pictures.

China Day 5

China Day 6

China Day 7 and 8 - Shanghai to Hong Kong

There's a lot on my mind, and there's still a lot to write about, and I will, eventually. But for now, as this trip draws to a close, I have to say, this is just what I needed during this break as a way to shake off last semester. Last semester was way fun, but it kinda sucked, too.

For my last semester of law school, there will be no suckage. Only fun. Damnit!

Dec. 31 - Beijing to Shanghai to Zhouzhuang to Suzhou

On New Year’s Eve, after a leisurely morning working on my paper and such, we went to the airport to catch our flight to Shanghai. At the airport, we were bussed from the terminal to our 747-400. When we were called to board, the rush was amazing, and it was just to get on a cramped bus! And then as soon as the bus doors opened at our destination, there was another mad rush to board the plane. I thought they were giving away free upgrades, from the way the people rushed and pushed.

At first, all the pushing and shoving really got to me. But then one day, I found myself waiting for people to go ahead of me. And then I found myself still waiting a few minutes later, and I realized that if I didn’t find the aggressive self in me, I was going to be waiting my turn for a long, long time. There is definitely a lesser sense of personal space. I get bumped into all the time, but no one cares. I guess when the country is that crowded, you’d spend half your day apologizing if you were so inclined. I’ve found myself being a little pushy now.

But that’s today. On New Year’s Eve, I was flying to Shanghai. When we landed, our guide met us and drove us to Zhouzhuang, almost two hours away. We passed through what our guide called “countryside;” I was struck by the dirty canals and the fact that crops were planted around the bases of those giant metal structures that hold up power lines. Night fell, and we continued on. I hate driving in the dark, because the scenery is just an indiscriminate mess of grays and blues. And then, out of nowhere, we would drive into a downtown area, that was surprisingly alive and bustling for the night of New Year’s Eve. Stores were open, and people were filling the streets, doing their shopping. I felt my first pangs of loneliness as I happened to glance into a restaurant and saw about 30 people who all seemed to know each other sitting down to dinner after someone gave a toast.

We arrived in Zhouzhuang, an ancient city that is laced with canals and stone bridges and has gondolas to ride on and everything. It was rather enchanting at night, with all the lights reflecting in the water, but we were tired. Also, our guide walked REALLY quickly and liked to push us through from site to site very quickly. So we soon got back in our van and drove onwards to Suzhou, which, according to our guide, has 6 million residents and is the third richest city in China and is famous for its silk and beautiful women.

Suzhou was equally alive as the small downtown areas we had driven through earlier. There were so many shops open and so much neon signage, I felt like I was in Vegas. We had dinner, checked into our hotel, and I settled in for what I hoped was a productive night of paper writing. Instead, as it was the first hotel with internet, I caught up on email and such. At midnight, I was startled by fireworks. They were loud. That’s because they were being set off from the parking lot in front of the hotel. (See pictures.)

And that was how I rang in 2007.

China Day 4

Beijing - Dec. 31, 7:14 am

I’m finally on Beijing time! It didn’t take me very long, but I wouldn’t suggest the getting-sick-and-sleeping-for-13-hours route.

Yesterday morning, we headed out towards the Great Wall. In the snow! Dirty, brown, Beijing snow.

On the way there, we stopped at the Jade Factory. Despite it being a government sponsored tourist trap, it was interesting. We got to see “artisans” making jadewares. I kept thinking they were going to slice a finger off on the machines. The fact that they were using machines made me sad. I guess in my head, I pictured tiny chisels to make the intricate carvings. Even though there is over 1 billion people here, I’m not sure they could keep up with the tourist demand, from the looks of things at the Jade Factory.

Then we continued towards the Great Wall. We climbed and climbed and climbed 2500 feet (I think) to the seventh tower. There really isn’t that much to say, so I shall say it in bullet points.

- At tower 5, there was a gift shop where I picked up some perfectly kitchsy “I climbed the Great Wall” t-shirts. I tried not to feel cheated when I discovered that they sold the same t-shirts at the bottom.
- There were many women dressed inappropriately for climbing the Great Wall in the snow – namely, in 5-inch stiletto heels. Oh, those crazy Russians.
- I saw one person running down the snowy stairs. We talked to him; he was German.
- The thought that kept running through my head on the way up, as my heart and breathing rates increased, was the smog I was breathing in. I’m giving up smoking because I pretty much smoked 18 packs of cigarettes yesterday. The smog was so bad that, on top of the haze from the natural weather, I couldn’t see the 7th tower from the 6th tower. The aforementioned German estimated it to be 200 metres away.
- Opposite from the side of the Great Wall that we climbed was another “Great Wall.” As it turns out, it’s an imitation wall that the government constructed to try and ease some of the pressure off the real great wall. It didn’t work because no one goes there. But it’s there.

After the Great Wall, we went to lunch at this restaurant / friendship store. The restaurant was in the back, so we had to walk through the shop on the way in and out. According to our guide, a friendship store is a government run place that was one of the first places to sell Chinese goods to foreigners. I loved the little signs that said “government shop; fair prices; no negotiating”. I didn’t buy anything, but one of my traveling companions said that he was able to “negotiate” down on the premise that he didn’t have any more money.

After lunch, we drove through the traffic and pretty much went straight to dinner. After dinner, we went to a Shaolin Kung Fu show. I have to say, despite my low expectations and the cheesy nature of the show, I really enjoyed the show. I caught myself with my mouth wide open a few times. The show was a blend of martial arts and ballet, heavy on the ballet. I very much appreciated the martial arts. And I realized that if I ever go to the ballet, I want a seat near the front. I liked seeing the facial expressions and the sweaty brows and the, erm, ripply muscles. Anyway. That was the day. Today, we are off to Shanghai.

China Day 3

Some Pictures

China Day 1

China Day 2