i was sooo high school this weekend. left a gift in the boy's locker. guinness. imported from ireland. quebec imports it's guinness from ireland. yumm! how fortuitous. we had talked about this on tuesday last. so this was the "conversation" that ensued.

boy: uhh, thanks for the beer.
me: you're welcome.
boy: uhh...why'd you give me beer?
me: (blushing and feeling like a total moron explains in choppy, nervous sentences about how it's from quebec and how it's from ireland and how it's good and how i got drunk on the stuff one night.)
boy: oh.
(pause)
me: so how was your weekend?
boy: good. yours?
me: good. we came back early a day because my friend is in law school too and we wanted to study.
boy: oh.
(pause)
me: so n. gave me your combination...mumble...i'm not a psycho stalker...mumble...
boy: i figured.
(pause)
me: okay, well i gotta go.
boy: bye.
me: see ya.

so you might be thinking, boy this girl is stupid. can't she get the hint that he's not interested? maybe. or maybe the boy has no idea how to talk to girls. but do i want to play the forgiving game again? i need to take a break. this is going to be one long last week of classes, so maybe i should just focus on my academics. check.

the passport comes out again
i keep losing track of the original purpose of this blog, which was to document my travels. law school has seriously restricted my travels, both practically and financially, but this holiday weekend i was able to get away to quebec city with two friends. many people have asked why we went to quebec. because my family doesn't celebrate, and my friends are from LA, so it was impractical for them to go home. and why not quebec?!

quebec city was a good time. i totally felt like i was in franceland! if we hadn't driven there in my little ford focus, i would have thought we had flown to europe. we stayed in a hostel in the old part of the city, and the architecture totally was like a village in france. everyone greeted us with bonjours and ca vas and were completely cool when we couldn't get past the bonjour and had to speak english to us. we ate croissants and drank cafe au lait out of bowls. one day for lunch we had cheese and prosciutto and baguette and white wine. it was so provincial.

and cold.

we also shopped. aaah, i love non-american fashion! i love the exchange rate!

i was also saddened, however, by the realization that my focus has changed so much. in the recent past, when i'm on vacation or traveling, i am usually inspired -- to live, to love, to write, to dance. but this weekend, i felt shallow. i wanted to shop and drink coffee and lounge over the paper -- even if it was the canadian version of USA today -- and i didn't feel inspired AT ALL. in the back of my mind, i kept thinking about work and homework and outlining and studying and exams. meh.

new pet peeves
1. people who sniffle in the library
2. people who eat pistachios in the library
IT'S THE FREAKING LIBRARY, PEOPLE!!!!
3. people who don't reshelve their books at the library.
4. people who leave trash around like they're the king of siam.
5. people who think they're the king or queen of siam. oh wait, that's kind of an old one.
6. people who emanate stress.
...
given my growing negativity and decreasing compassion, should i really be friends with people who are the same? bitterness begets bitterness?

fear.
i'm afraid. of so many things. of leaving my wallet at home. of leaving my textbook at home. of losing my parents, of losing my friends, of losing my sanity, or what's left of it. but up there at the top of the list, i'm afraid of rejection. sure, yes, i know, everyone is. but the boy, everything about this situation reminds me so much of situations i've been in in the past, and i feel like the same thing is happening. that i'm going to be hurt, rejected, made a total fool. i wish i could be true to my intentions of being friends. it's not going so well. i wish i could be true to my intentions of not competing with another girl for some boy, but i don't think it's going to go so well once we get back from quebec. one more week of classes and then exams. ergh.

why am i so predictable? why do i do the same thing over and over again? is this just the true me manifesting itself, waiting for THE ONE to find his way into my life? the one who is so right that he can take my deepest idiosyncracies and love them instead of judging them as psycho? or are these idiosyncracies and patterns of behavior things i'm supposed to learn from? I don't know. i feel so lost. so far from god. so far from reality. so far from maturity, back in high school.

i want to ask him to lunch. next week, before beer. because more beer with more people might just be weird. but maybe what's weird is that i invited him to pre-thanksgiving dinner at my place and he declined. well, it's not so much he declined as he "took it under consideration" and then never responded to my other email. i knew he was declining, however. so in essence, he declined. anyways, what's with the antisocial behavior? is he at home writing a manifesto on why artest shouldn't be suspended for the entire season? on why a violent response to a provocation is okay? who knows. i just know my life is confusing, and i don't understand myself, and i'm going to stop trying and just go to quebec and enjoy my vacation and try not to care about how stupid i am/feel. i'm not dumb. i know i'm not dumb. there are definitely some things i'm very good at and smart about. i just ... law school really is like high school. all my insecurities have returned. resurfaced.

8 hours of drinking
4pm. that's what time i had my first beer yesterday. 12:30a.m. that's what time i got home this morning. i only had 5 or 6 beers, but i was hungover before i even went to bed, i think. so i had beers with the boy yesterday afternoon. it was kind of awkward because the bartender, this like 50- or 60-something man kept...implying that me and the boy should get together. i think. he kept talking about the importance of being with someone, how the boy never talks to women, how he never thought the boy could talk to women, etc etc. he also kept talking about everyone in his family who had cancer, so who knows.

this post has been edited to preserve my dignity.

happy thinksgiving, world! i'm off to the north pole (aka quebec city) for the holiday. we are eating turkey tonight. yumm! if that damn bird ever thaws...

postscript
just had a thought...worried now if i'm writing anything that could get me into trouble if ever any of my classmates stumbled onto this?

hungover
went to a friend's birthday party last night. heaps of gay men, and the rest of them were married or with dates. alas. but one good thing--you can be soooo forward with a gay man you think is hot, just strut up there and tell him, and instead of being freaked out, he will inevitably be flattered and want to put his arm around your shoulder.

the two hottest men at the party last night ended up taking a cab home together. for a minute, i thought it was my sexual fantasy. and then i got to the part in the fantasy where they started kissing each other instead of me and i realized, yeah, not so much.

have realized that i kind of have a crush on a girl at school, who was at the party. weird, i know, because i know i'm hetero, been through all the questioning and had ample opportunity to experiment and such (never did). but there's this girl who is really pretty--not dirty hot, just pretty--and really the sweetest thing and really smart and cool. i think i just really want to be friends with her, and i am misinterpreting those desires as the pangs of a crush. but basically what i'm doing at school is finding the people i think are cool and intentionally being friends with them and inviting them out. she's next.

so i brought a girl from school to the party last night. a 6'1" engineer who needs to eat like 18 sandwiches cuz damn is that girl skinny. turns out she is a saucy, dirty, little--but tall--vixen. she said things that made me blush and, well, let's just say i almost had a sexual fantasy of two guys doing it, so i'm not THAT prude. but in a moment of drunkenness, i blurted out to her that i have a crush on a guy she knows. turns out, so does she. but i wouldn't call it a crush. she just wants to fuck him till it hurts. i've never seen a girl talk about a guy and then make actual fucking motions with her arms...you know...back and forth...anyways. when i first told her, she started jumping up and down with her fists in front of her and yelled, i'll fight you for him! that was a new one. i thought, you might be 6'1", and I'm 5'9", but i bet i could still kick your ass. more importantly, i don't want to, though. i'm kind of bowing out...after tuesday. because before i found out about this girl's lusty desires, i kind of asked boy out for beer. just the two of us. i pretty much emailed him into a corner so he had no choice but to come (i won't take no for an answer, so just pick a time and place). but...this kind of makes me sick to my stomach, and it's not all related to the hangover. we girls, we gotta stick together. i'm not gonna let some weird but hot guy be a source of bitterness between me and her. am i going to tell her, though? no, because i'm afraid she really will throw down. and then i'd be THAT girl who was fighting another girl in the courtyard. at least i'd be THAT girl...who WON. heh heh.

12-step program for guaranteed man problems

1. find a guy with an extraordinary talent, usually physical but not dirty. e.g. martial arts expert; volleyball stud; raft guide.
2. start flirting. look down instead of in his eyes. this may be unintentional, out of nervousness.
3. start second guessing yourself.
4. flirt some more.
5. consider it over before it begins.
6. insert foot in mouth.
7. have that first real substantial conversation...

well here's where i'm at. it's amazingly difficult to "accidentally" run into people in this 17-floor towering inferno of legal academia, but it happens. and tonight, i had a really long conversation with my it-boy/crush du moment. some observations/results: he was kinda shocked when i told him i was 27 -- he thought i was "[his] age"; he talks surprisingly a lot considering how quiet he seems; he called himself an old man.

here is where i return to step 5: why is that every guy i have been with in the last few years, in addition to a lot of other things, has called himself an old man?!?!! what the hell is going on!??!

ahh well, a distraction and a project and something to keep me happy while doing my homework.

p.s. what do you think the chances are that you've been googled? i mean, i google EVERYONE, but EVERYONE does it. so what are the chances you've been googled.
p.p.s. so the thing at which i ran into the boy was an IP panel. i am now 100% certain that i don't want to go into IP; it was a small thought in the back of my head because of my physics degree and all that. but more relevantly, everytime someone talked about due diligence, i thought about my form of "due diligence". heh. if you don't get it, look at the "p.s." above...

insanity
i have been at school for 13 hours. i have been doing law related stuff pretty much the entire time. if it's not class, it's reviewing for class or sitting in a career development orientation on how to use online resources to find a job. the only highlight of my day was eating taco bell for the first time in about 4 months.

and i'm starting to become a one-hit wonder. i emailed the boy again. totally flirting. and now i'm freaking out because he hasn't emailed me in a few hours, as his pattern has indicated in the past. and how many points of proof do i have? TWO. i'm not scientist (well...kinda), but i know that's not a lot of data points. i just need to quit freaking out. but like i said, i'm a one-hit wonder, and this is what i do.

8 hours later
and i'm already at the library. i'm surprisingly not hung over. but i am kinda tired. on the t this morning, i saw a mail delivery person. a mailman, as he was male. at first i thought he was some punk college kid who had lifted some official usps uniforms, but upon closer inspection, he had everything usps ... the hat, the pants, the water bottle holder...even the bag full of mail! so he was taking the t to deliver his mail...while talking on his cell phone.

does it bother you how prevalent cell phones are? sure, they're handy when you're in the car and the car breaks down or you're lost and need directions or you and your friends are making plans to get together somewhere in the city. but isn't it kinda disconcerting to see on-duty police officers having a chat? or t drivers? or other civil servants who get paid with your (hypothetical) tax dollars taking person calls while on the job? it freaks me out.

it's almost 3:30 in the morning. i've been drinking. this is both the most drunk i've been and the latest i've been up since august, i think.
it was a weird night. let's just say it ended up being two girls, two guys, and me, at my apartment, playing nintendo. one of the guys and one of the girls totally paired off, and the other couple besides me were very very friendly, even though the girl was married. and we're playing mario party. like, i feel like a total dork even tho' i let them come over, even tho' my best friend invited them and then left after 10 minutes. and even though this guy i wanted to get overb last night, we emailed today and it obliterated any getting over of him last night. oh and there's like an inch of slushy snow on the ground. it's just all too much to handle.

IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is this the earliest i've ever seen it snow?

i know i've complained many times about how ugly my school is.
let me give you a better sense of it ...
here is the view from school... 

here is the tower...
just picture it with balconies and strung out laundry
and it could easily pass as a communist apartment building... 

ramblings and revelations part the 47th
you should visit my friend at her blog.
a friend also referred me to this blog written by a pretty brave, sexy chic.

but enough about other women. onto me...
in recent weeks, i developed a crush on a boy at school, acted like i was 14 again, fell in love, planned my future, and had my heart broken. okay, not really, but my crushes get pretty intense. like my heart is 6 dates ahead of where the actual relationship is. tonight i had a chance to go out with the boy in a small group, drink some beer, get a buzz, share some dirt, put my hand on his arm. but did he show? nope. but i learned some stuff about him. let me sum it up:

HE IS EXACTLY LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS I HAVE BEEN WITH IN RECENT TIMES.

shall i explain? well, it goes beyond the age. it seems that every man i've been with my ENTIRE life has been in the range of 20-22 years old. it's just me that changes. when i was 18, i was with a 22 year old. when i was 25, i was with a 21 year old...followed shortly by a 20 year old. i'm 27 now and the first guy i have a crush on at high school...err, law school...he's 22. a pass-through. never lived on his own, just graduated from some little sheltered college in the middle of nowhere, i've never paid my own electricity bill and i'm going to live on pasta and bread for three years until i can afford pizza every night kind of guy. at least seemingly so. i'm not making a value judgment. i've been there too, but that was five years ago for me.

i can think of other guys who had a similar mentality. they liked me. they were attracted to me. but i played second fiddle to basketball, martial arts...even marijuana. maybe that was fun when i was 23. i'm 27 now, and i'm not exactly looking to settle down tomorrow, but i don't want to waste emotional energy on ... a void.

part of me is in mourning -- of course, to be expected, because that's the way my emotions run. part of me is freaked that i can unconsciously repeat behaviors with such predictability. part of me, the part that gets me into trouble, thinks i can be the girl to save him. of course i can't. i know that. i just gotta let that thought sink into my heart. it just takes a while to get down there.

jet-lagged ramblings
ok, i'm not really jet-lagged. i just think it's much more glamorous to call daylight savings jet-lag. so it feels like midnight but the clock says 11pm. here are my exhausted ramblings...
my neighbor upstairs is apparently constructing a treehouse, at least i think she is given all the banging going on. i'm over-tired and tonight i was sort of stupid-giggly at volleyball. think it had anything to do with the boy? yes, certainly. tonight may be my last night when i go to sleep with some hope, at least for the next four years. i'm hosting an election party tomorrow night, mostly as an excuse not to be alone as the results come in. but in reality, i'm convinced that we are not going to know who the next president is going to be tomorrow night. i'll still pop over to copley and have a shout and a cheer, or a tear and shoulder to cry on. do i love kerry? frankly, no. but yes, i just hate bush that much. it's time to give someone else a chance. it can't get worse, i say. and then law school. oh yes law school. i'm kind of freaking out. not in an incapacitated way, but definitely in an unhappy way. the work is freaking me out. the curve is freaking me out. the fact that it's turning into high school more and more every day is pissing me off...AND freaking me out. i was walking in our crowded locker room last week and as i was coming out of my aisle, this girl was coming down the middle aisle and we nearly bumped into each other. oh, sorry, i said. and what did she do? she looked at me like i got in her fucking way somehow, oh i'm sorry your prissy majesty should i have gotten out of your way because you think you're so hot and smart? blech. have i turned into a ball of negativity? sort of. am i unhappy? no, i guess not really. this beats the alternative, because i was downright more miserable when i was teaching taekwondo and working at the club. speaking of the club, my parents have decided to turn it into some sort of restaurant/bar. apparently, it's going to have a submarine theme. full on with an octopus on the wall. uhh....don't ask. i just don't know.