This and That and That and This

My bar review course is held in this antiseptic office space with these rows of cheap tables and chairs from upon which we watch dvds of lecturers given days ago in a city far away. There are roughly 30 of us in this room, although not everyone attends every day. Most of them went to school together, at a school that is not mine. But a friend and I, we go every day, and we sit together, and sometimes we lunch together, and we share snacks, and we share notes, and we do crossword puzzles together, and we generally support each other.

Well, one day, early on in the course, we sat next to this girl who is super weird. She sits in the back, IMs the entire time, and then constantly looks at our papers for what she missed. She's even been caught clipping her nails. My friend and I, we weren't trying to make her a pariah, but we didn't want to sit next to her, lest we get struck in the eye with an errant nail clipping. So we started moving around. And moving around. And moving around some more. And yeah, we realized that two weeks into the course, maybe people were in the seats they felt compelled to sit in for the duration of the course. But we're freaking law school graduates - we cannot possibly be a slave to our habits, right? We have to have more brain power than that, right? Wrong.

This one girl, let's call her Camel Toe, has been super passive aggressive in trying to get her seat back. She exchanges knowing looks with the guy who she used to sit next to, let's call him LLM who's probably going to fail the bar, who we were sitting next to for a few weeks, as if the world was ending b/c she couldn't sit next to him. One day, I came in, and a box was on the table in front of the seat. It was a box of birthday cupcakes that someone else had left. And put it on that seat as if it was HER seat, even though she hadn't sat in that seat in weeks, and she wasn't even there yet. Then yesterday, I got there early, sat in the seat, and then she came and put her stuff in the empty seat next to me, even though someone with fourteen brain cells would have been able to figure out that the seat was essentially saved for my friend. So when my friend got there, she decided not to be a jerk about it - Camel Toe's stuff was there, but her spandex-ensconced body was not. So we moved back a few rows, and resumed our pre-dvd posts. And that would have been fine if Camel Toe didn't, upon returning, gloat like she had somehow overpowered us with her sheer will.

My friend's theory is that Camel Toe has a crush on LLM who's probably going to fail the bar. Whatever. Coming to class in spandex biking shorts with panty lines for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE while you take three minutes to sit back down after prancing back from the bathroom is not going to win his European sensibilities over.

The whole thing really wouldn't bug me so much if it weren't for the fact that, like I said, we're all supposed to be intelligent lawmakers etc etc. Oh, and if I weren't so stressed.

As we speak, as I write this post, I am finishing up my packing. The painters should have finished up last night. I move tonight. Couch comes tomorrow. I'm so excited to get out of this apartment. I'm so excited to move and then settle down and study for the bar. Because fear of failure has officially set in.

Will post pics once new home is in decent shape. Until then, think about visiting! :)

No Informed Consent

Doctors who do not explain risks of medical procedures to patients are negligent for failing to obtain informed consent.

Similarly, I have not consented to being anyone's girlfriend and do not appreciate being advertised as such. Ah!

I am such a child.

FOOD!

I came home with a voracious appetite for junk food, overate, and then slept for two hours. I feel like I just did something dirty!

I Am Such A Cliche

The boy is away on vacation. We've been txting, but then he said he would call. We've talked on the phone for a grand total of 10 minutes, the second conversation taking place this afternoon. I am less than impressed. We're both bad phone people, although the boy generally is not very talkative.

What concerns me is not the volume or quantity of conversation. It's that he doesn't ask me very much about me. Sure, I volunteer information, but he doesn't ASK me. This leads me to think that he's not very curious about me. This leads me to think that he likes me not for me, but for the hole in his life I fill, the role I play. This worries me, in turn, because he is really sweet and I feel myself liking him more and more, getting more and more used to him in my life. But if his feelings aren't real, then I am going to get hurt sometime down the road. And I don't like that thought, no matter how good for me the experience would be.

Instead of being a normal human being and waiting for him to get back from vacation so we can continue getting to know each other, continue assessing just what I can or cannot put up with, continue DATING like adults, I kind of freak out in the middle of studying and start txting him. And in these txts, I am subtly pushing him away. And for a moment, I felt like shit. Because I could see myself saying things that could easily break something that's too hard to fix from 1000 miles away. Thankfully, my BFF called me and derailed my suicide mission.

I guess I'm really excited to see how this unfolds. I am a little annoyed that it's kind of on pause as he travels. But I'm so overwhelmed in the rest of my life that this is probably for the best.

Oh, and one final note...I think I've found someone who is even more insecure about being cheated on than I am. It's a nice change of pace, because I trust him like 98%. (I'm reserving that 2% for general male assholeyness. Only Jesus himself could get that last 2%.)

S.

HOORAY!

I'm not sure if it's possible for anyone to be cuter than S's older brother, K, but I think he's off to a great start. Congrats, M and A!!

Refresh My Memory

This is a blog I wrote last September, before the shit hit the fan. As it turned out, one of the fears gnawing at the back of my head was true.

My Insecurities

In my deepest, darkest fears, I am afraid we have no real sober chemistry. I'm afraid that I'll be hurt. I fear he already thinks I'm crazy. I'm afraid that he's realized what a horrible misjudgment he's made. I'm afraid there's someone else. I'm afraid this isn't real. I'm afraid what I feel isn't real. I'm afraid it will be real. I'm afraid he'll get to know me better and change his mind. I'm afraid that I might hurt him.

Out of this fear, even the slightest word out of place is worthy of a 10 page dissection. In Times New Roman 8.

But, these are just my deepest, darkest thoughts. In reality, I'm happy and peaceful and calm and happy. I think these fears are just a product of my overactive imagination and my tendency to plan things in advance - even possible realities. I like to prepare myself emotionally, just in case, because then it will hurt less, in a sense. The thing I never prepare for, and never let myself consider, is happiness.

But I am happy now, and that's important.

I'm not sure this post makes any sense.

I repost this here because I've been trying to assess my current situation. Not in any psychotically serious way, because it's been less than a week, but because I keep thinking and feeling so much.

The fear that came true last fall is not even a remote possibility right now, and it's kind of nice. I mean, I don't worry, I don't fear, and I'm not obsessive. Which just goes to show, I guess, that I'm only crazy when other people give me reason to be crazy.

The reason why I'm thinking about this is because he is incredibly sweet, incredibly distracting, and on my mind an awful lot. I am afraid of hurting him. I'm also afraid of letting go. And I feel like it's close. We have already spent a lot of time together, and there's sort of a lack of mystery when it comes to his life - oh the internet, how it let's people keep tabs on each other almost 24/7. (Not that my life is full of any mystery - I'm studying for the bar.) If it weren't some sort of self-imposed boundary, I think we could be spending too much time together. And I think it's too much b/c it's too early and because my greatest fear is to have my life be consumed by another person.

But why shouldn't I let go? I mean, if I'm restraining myself unnaturally, that doesn't seem right. And if I end up having to pick myself up off the ground later, so be it. I have a feeling that it will be worth it. And it doesn't seem fair to make the decision not to let go based on fleeting impressions and intuitions.

AHHH! This is such bad, bad timing.

E.g.

I have come to believe that everyone double-crosses you, and to trust no one. At least on a romantic level. I had pretty good statistical support for this conclusion. So I find it incredibly touching and refreshing and therapeutic that he turned down someone's number last week. After we had met, but before we had started talking. Well, before he initiated contact with me. It might seem weird and a little extreme, but sheesh, I'm so moved. And slowly, perhaps I can learn to believe again that people, boys anyway, can be trusted.

Gloomy Day

It's gloomy out. And it's pride. Both reasons to stop and think about all sorts of things.

There are no rules for the way life should be, right? I mean, just because something happened once, doesn't mean it's supposed to or going to happen like that every time. And sometimes you might think it starts out that way, but it's just the alcohol. But then you take away the alcohol, and it's almost better. Almost. If it weren't for the demons in your head. And for these notions of what you think you want, but really, you don't know any better, and how can you know you really want something until you know what it is.

I've always said I wanted this; in fact, I've spent the last three years telling myself I want this, trying to create it where it didn't belong, trying to fit a round-this into a square this-hole. But now, dipping my toe in, I want to snatch it away and run to the middle of the desert. Maybe it's the fear that compels me to run, or maybe it's these notions in my head of what I think I want, what I think is good (cool?), appropriate or acceptable.

I don't think I'm going to figure it out RIGHT NOW in the midst of posting this blog. But that's ok. I'm just going to ride it out a little longer and see.

Brat

Paris Hilton, handcuffed and on her way to court, where a judge reversed a sheriff's order releasing her after serving only 3 of her 45-day sentence for violating her drunk-driving probation. Credit: Associated Press.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

My Weekend, Finally

Oh, hello travel blog, I forgot that you were such a thing. I forgot I did such a thing.

Although moving to LA would not make me an expat, that is where I went. Like I said, I stayed with friends who, a year ago, bought a loft in downtown LA. Downtown LA is not exactly SoHo, or even the South End, right now. Look out the window and you just might see someone shooting up or someone defecating, and every once in a while there is the most unpleasant whiff of something ungodly. But give it a few years. Hell, give it a few months. A supermarket is opening up, and there seem to be new restaurants and bars every day. It's a little sad that the Latino community is getting pushed out, but such is the price of gentrification.

It's so exciting, I want to be a part of it. (Yeah, it'd be nice to live near my bff and have 70-degree weather for five straight days, June gloom be damned.) I'm moving to the South End in Boston and I feel like for the most part, it's already gentrified. It's basically at the point where the yuppies feel safe to move in. Oh, I feel like such a sell out.

Things I did:
- In n Out!
- Griffith Observatory
- Watch a cat get washed
- Fall in love with a cat - the only cat I'll ever love
- Pretended I was moving to LA so we could go on a hard hat tour of a new loft conversion
- Eat Mexican food - El Compadre!
- Not miss my upstairs neighbors who seem to be clog-dancing upstairs right now AT SEVEN AM
- Saw a movie at the Arclight - Hot Fuzz. Ehhh.
- Had brunch - twice!
- Went to some weird ass party
- Shopped at the Grove

Pictures:


Griffith Observatory


Burned Hillside

Once, I Was an Astronomy Geek

But I Never Stopped Being Childish

I've Heard This Song Before

I woke up at 4am. Couldn't sleep. This hasn't happened since, well, since September. And yeah, for similar reasons, but totally different, all at the same time.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think I don't know how to be anything but critical.
Sometimes I think law school has made me boarish and weird.
Sometimes I think I'm going to fail the bar exam.
Sometimes I think I'm going to like being a lawyer.
Sometimes I think I'd like to move to LA.
Sometimes I think I'd really like to fall in love.
Sometimes I think I'm happiest when on my own.
Sometimes I think it does nothing but rain in Boston.

Hell Ay!

I am here, despite bar review, because I needed something to break up the monotony of law school and bar review. This is like a graduation gift to myself.

I am staying with friends who have a loft in downtown LA. It's city living, but a totally different kind of city living, with totally different city noises. I had the hardest time sleeping last night and kept being woken up. The most interesting was the person who decided to practice trumpet in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if he was just out on the street or on some rooftop; it seemed like he was standing over me. I don't think I've ever experienced that before.

Now, if only my non-east coast acclimated friend would wake up and we could go to brunch so I can have the three bloody marys I promised myself, too.... :)