Between work being busier and dating The Boy (again) and the dragging on of winter, it feels like I hardly have enough time to poop. It's a good thing that between being busier and dating the boy and the dragging on of winter, I don't really need to poop. No, I haven't been feeling that great.
But winter feels like it's coming to an end. The days are getting longer, the clocks have been turned back, the thermometer is actually breaking fifty. On occasion. This is New England after all.
So work, yeah, work is busy. One of the partners I work for is a stereotype embodied in a caricature. "Stick it to the [insert anonymous governmental agency here]!" I've worked until 7 or 8 on a regular basis. I've stopped eating lunch with people. I'm a regular big-firm lawyer! Ack! I wish I could tell you about the pro bono cases I've been working on, too. Cuz those are interesting.
Things with the boy are good. Shockingly, scarily good. But here is a typical cycle of emotions: ehh, I don't know, I feel sort of indifferent; oh, but that was a REALLY good date, I think I really like him; hmm, he's being so attentive and open and sort of serious and into me; hmph, well he must be covering for some double life.
No, really. The other day, I was watching him play WOW cuz, yeah, he's just one of those guys. It's cool. He uses it to communicate and sort of hang out with his army buddies and other friends. OK, they're scattered all over the world, I sorta get it. But then I caught (saw?) someone sending him a message -- X loves you. And I kind of freaked out. I brought it up with him, and he answered me satisfactorily, and I think the whole issue brought us closer together, but I can't help falling back into this cycle of doubt and mistrust. Distrust?
I have no reason not to trust him except that he's a guy. And really it's all me with the baggage. He's been really, really good. It's me who's having independence issues, and not being able to handle (maturely) this expectation that we have to spend the weekends together. It's me who freaks out on him every once in a while. And he's been great. But I can't indulge myself too often. He's not going to stick around if I freak out like clockwork. At least, he shouldn't. And that's one of the things that I think I had realized while we were apart. As much as my feelings are valid, it's not fair of me to drag him around on my roller coaster. And in a way, it's almost beneficial to me that he is so emotionally sensitive, because it almost trains me not to indulge every emotion.
But the issue here really is trust.
Yesterday, he attended a WOW wedding. I will never get it. I don't know if I've ever played a video game that was real enough for me to want to recreate life events within it. Then again, while I'm internet-comfortable, I didn't grow up with it like kids these days. I don't know.
And so it goes.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
80s Resurgence
Besides the hideous fashion trends, have you noticed the 80s resurgence? American Gladiator, Rambo, Knight Rider...I hear rumors of an A-Team remake. I know this list is incomplete.
It's Gone and Happened...
...I've started dreaming about work. I used to do this back at my first job, when I used to do a lot of coding. (No, I didn't study CS in college...I had to teach myself on-the-job. Fortran, too. SOOO not marketable.) Anyway. It's been a rough week at work. I'm glad this week is over. Too bad I have to work through the weekend.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Little Bits
On the T this morning, we were stopped at Kenmore. The conductor helpfully informed us, "We're being held here until we leave."
The ex and I have gotten back together. Basically, we were already dating in the months we were sort of broken off. I can tell you what's changed, and I can tell you how I feel. But basically, we're just spending time together because we like to and we're still getting to know each other. And I think when we were dating, I wasn't fair to him because I'd prejudged him and he wasn't fair to me because he kept things to himself. We're trying. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself. My emotionalness. My possessiveness. And that's all I really want to say right now.
About everything. Really, I should write about how ridiculous law firm life is, and the case I'm working on. But I won't. Because I'll probably lose my job. :)
The ex and I have gotten back together. Basically, we were already dating in the months we were sort of broken off. I can tell you what's changed, and I can tell you how I feel. But basically, we're just spending time together because we like to and we're still getting to know each other. And I think when we were dating, I wasn't fair to him because I'd prejudged him and he wasn't fair to me because he kept things to himself. We're trying. I'm definitely learning a lot about myself. My emotionalness. My possessiveness. And that's all I really want to say right now.
About everything. Really, I should write about how ridiculous law firm life is, and the case I'm working on. But I won't. Because I'll probably lose my job. :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Cloverfield Sux
I'm in LA visiting the BFF and his BF.
Tonight, we watched Cloverfield, the movie. I'm still nauseous and not feeling right from it.
The BFF and I were super excited to watch this movie because it fits perfectly into our natural disaster movie theme. You see, during college, there was a spate of natural disaster movies ... Volcano, Dante's Peak, Armageddon, and Deep Impact. Followed, over the years, by such classics as Deep Blue Sea, Godzilla, The Core, Snakes on a Plane (yeah, loosely a natural disaster, but so fun!), The Day After Tomorrow...
Cloverfield seemed to fit our parameters. Earth, specifically NYC, gets attacked by unknown creature(s). We were so excited to see it together!
Well, turns out, we were also going to get sick together. Stupid handheld cameras.
Two things.
One, in addition to watching these movies, we also rate them. We used to rate these movies and then plot them on an x-y graph - whereby the x-axis represented ridiculousness, and the y-axis represented seriousness (i.e. how seriously the movie took itself). Recently, we modified our rating system so that the values, ridiculousness and seriousness, were added and then represented on a bar graph. The highest cumulative points is the "best" movie. At least by our standards. Nothing can beat Dante's Peak, it seems.
Two, there were a smattering of "47" sightings in Cloverfield. There also seem to be 47 sightings in Alias and Lost, both JJ Abrams productions. There must be a connection to a P.C. alum out there somewhere... Oh, and JJ Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie. Hooray! The 47 connection comes full circle, perhaps.
I feel like I've written about these things before. Then again, my head and gut are still spinning, so who knows.
Tonight, we watched Cloverfield, the movie. I'm still nauseous and not feeling right from it.
The BFF and I were super excited to watch this movie because it fits perfectly into our natural disaster movie theme. You see, during college, there was a spate of natural disaster movies ... Volcano, Dante's Peak, Armageddon, and Deep Impact. Followed, over the years, by such classics as Deep Blue Sea, Godzilla, The Core, Snakes on a Plane (yeah, loosely a natural disaster, but so fun!), The Day After Tomorrow...
Cloverfield seemed to fit our parameters. Earth, specifically NYC, gets attacked by unknown creature(s). We were so excited to see it together!
Well, turns out, we were also going to get sick together. Stupid handheld cameras.
Two things.
One, in addition to watching these movies, we also rate them. We used to rate these movies and then plot them on an x-y graph - whereby the x-axis represented ridiculousness, and the y-axis represented seriousness (i.e. how seriously the movie took itself). Recently, we modified our rating system so that the values, ridiculousness and seriousness, were added and then represented on a bar graph. The highest cumulative points is the "best" movie. At least by our standards. Nothing can beat Dante's Peak, it seems.
Two, there were a smattering of "47" sightings in Cloverfield. There also seem to be 47 sightings in Alias and Lost, both JJ Abrams productions. There must be a connection to a P.C. alum out there somewhere... Oh, and JJ Abrams is directing the new Star Trek movie. Hooray! The 47 connection comes full circle, perhaps.
I feel like I've written about these things before. Then again, my head and gut are still spinning, so who knows.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
thoughts from the dating scene
Is it bad not to want to date a guy again because he chews his food with his mouth open and makes all sorts of smacking noises? Seriously, one of my top pet peeves. And this guy is no spring chicken. Very set in his ways.
Monday, February 04, 2008
More Tales From the T
So I'm waiting on the T platform for my train home and an announcement comes over the loudspeaker. It's a boston bruins defenseman telling us how he rides the t to practice and basically plugging the t - the t works for me, he says.
First of all, no way does a professional hockey player take the T to practice. B, he's preaching to the choir, don't you think?
Some time later, I'm still waiting on the T platform and this nutjob says, now remember we've been waiting here a while, this is what liberal democrats call rapid transit. Some hapless kid goes, why. Because liberal democrats want you to ride public transportation and get out of your cars because cars mean freedom and libeal democats are against freedom.
I love public transportation. And I can't wait to vote tomorrow!!!
First of all, no way does a professional hockey player take the T to practice. B, he's preaching to the choir, don't you think?
Some time later, I'm still waiting on the T platform and this nutjob says, now remember we've been waiting here a while, this is what liberal democrats call rapid transit. Some hapless kid goes, why. Because liberal democrats want you to ride public transportation and get out of your cars because cars mean freedom and libeal democats are against freedom.
I love public transportation. And I can't wait to vote tomorrow!!!
Friday, February 01, 2008
Signs that I Need New Clothes
- I have nothing to wear with my suit except a thin, nearly sleeveless sweater and four people comment on the unseasonableness of my outfit.
- Before going out, I actually OVEReat so my pants don't fall off.
- Even on the last hole on my belt, I can still wiggle the belt around and put my fist through it.
- I can put on almost all my pants without undoing the button and zipper.
- You can almost see definition in my belly.
So yeah, I've been losing weight. There was the unhealthy part when I broke up with the Ex, then there's this semi-healthy weight loss from working out and generally not eating so much because I'm not studying, but strapped to my desk at work. Unfortunately, all the clothes I bought at the start of the fall don't fit. That was a lot of money I spent. Now, I don't really have that much money to spend b/c I'm more interesting in my house and student loans have fully kicked in. Looks like I'm going to have to look like a bum for a bit longer... There are worse things that I could be worrying out. :)
- Before going out, I actually OVEReat so my pants don't fall off.
- Even on the last hole on my belt, I can still wiggle the belt around and put my fist through it.
- I can put on almost all my pants without undoing the button and zipper.
- You can almost see definition in my belly.
So yeah, I've been losing weight. There was the unhealthy part when I broke up with the Ex, then there's this semi-healthy weight loss from working out and generally not eating so much because I'm not studying, but strapped to my desk at work. Unfortunately, all the clothes I bought at the start of the fall don't fit. That was a lot of money I spent. Now, I don't really have that much money to spend b/c I'm more interesting in my house and student loans have fully kicked in. Looks like I'm going to have to look like a bum for a bit longer... There are worse things that I could be worrying out. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Just A Survey, Because I've Been Reduced to That
1.How old were you in 1980?
3 y.o.
2. How old were you in 1989?
You do the math.
3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
I didn't have any toys. Just one game.
4. Did you watch Transformers?
Yes! More than meets the eye!
5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
No...I watched movies like Conan and Rambo.
6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
No
7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Blanche
8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Don't cross the beams!
9.What was your favorite toy?
I didn't have toys.
10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, I was too fat. Really.
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
YES!
12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
Joey!
13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
All it took was paper, pen, free time, and a crush. Of course!
14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Yes! And I would look up at the clouds looking for them.
15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
Maybe.
16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
No.
17. Did you own a glo-worm?
No.
18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
YES!
19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Oh, both.
20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
PERM. Ick.
21. What was your first bike?
Pink and white with a banana seat, streamers out of the handles, a plastic basket, and one pedal. Yes, one pedal.
22. Name one thing you remember from your childhood?
Burning leaves in the backyard and getting in trouble.
23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yes, years after everyone else did.
24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I had lace gloves...
25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Neither!
26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
Yes!
27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No.
28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Yes!
29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Nintendo, natch.
30. Did you play Pac-Man?
Yup.
31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and the rockers?
Jem, because she was excitement.
32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man, then She-Ra.
33. What movie scared you the most?
Nightmare on Elm Street. Then there was that time I thought I was living in Halloween the movie when the power went out one Halloween...
34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Not very well.
3 y.o.
2. How old were you in 1989?
You do the math.
3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
I didn't have any toys. Just one game.
4. Did you watch Transformers?
Yes! More than meets the eye!
5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
No...I watched movies like Conan and Rambo.
6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
No
7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Blanche
8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Don't cross the beams!
9.What was your favorite toy?
I didn't have toys.
10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No, I was too fat. Really.
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
YES!
12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
Joey!
13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
All it took was paper, pen, free time, and a crush. Of course!
14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
Yes! And I would look up at the clouds looking for them.
15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
Maybe.
16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
No.
17. Did you own a glo-worm?
No.
18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
YES!
19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Oh, both.
20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
PERM. Ick.
21. What was your first bike?
Pink and white with a banana seat, streamers out of the handles, a plastic basket, and one pedal. Yes, one pedal.
22. Name one thing you remember from your childhood?
Burning leaves in the backyard and getting in trouble.
23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
Yes, years after everyone else did.
24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I had lace gloves...
25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Neither!
26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
Yes!
27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No.
28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Yes!
29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Nintendo, natch.
30. Did you play Pac-Man?
Yup.
31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and the rockers?
Jem, because she was excitement.
32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man, then She-Ra.
33. What movie scared you the most?
Nightmare on Elm Street. Then there was that time I thought I was living in Halloween the movie when the power went out one Halloween...
34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Not very well.
Tying Up A Few Loose Ends
So about the girl. At dinner, the same dinner where we were disucssing politics, she made it a point to say that my name, and the name of another girl, were were not on the bar examiners website. She was like, your firms must not have processed your paperwork and paid your fees. I checked your names. Yes, helpful and informative, perhaps. But then again, it was said with that same condescending tone like, your firms aren't that great. And it reeked of jealousy, despite her attempts to cover it up with the inadequacy of our employers. If my friend who is employed at a large firm and I were the types of people who rubbed it in others' faces or looked down at anyone who didn't work at a big firm, then maybe I could have understood that attitude. But I can confidently say that we are not.
So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.
The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.
But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).
So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.
And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.
So a few posts ago I talked about how I wanted to be selfish. I will again repeat that I am not selfless. Far from it, in fact. But really what I meant was that I have just not been taking care of myself, and letting social activities and other people drain me. And it really hit the fan this weekend. Saturday night, I got in bed at 12:30, falling in and enjoying the fact that I was going to sleep for many hours after two nights of dancing in 3-inch stilettos. I was just about asleep when my blackberry buzzed. "A woman I was talking to at this bar introduced me to her daughter." You know who it was.
The conversation spiraled, and the Ex basically got on his self-pity horse, calling himself a loser, saying he's been feeling like crap, needing to talk, but then also saying that he couldn't talk to me. In a way that definitely made sense. But in a way, he was doing what he always did. Drawing a line in the sand, saying I need someone, but you're not good enough b/c you're on that side of the line for some reason. And there I was in my half-drunk, half-asleep state trying to get him to open up. Yeah, I was saying girlfriendy things, but I was also sincerely concerned as his friend. I mean, he was reaching out and talking about his feelings like he never had. He put it off. But then he said, Sorry for talking so much, but this doesn't change our situation. It took me five minutes to establish that he didnt need to reject me, espeically when I was just trying to be his friend.
But the funniest thing happened on Sunday. I was supposed to go on this dinner date that I was sort of excited about. But as it drew nearer, I just kept crying. And crying. And crying. Such that I came home from the movies and basically fell apart into this blubbering mess. And why? Because of the Ex. Because he basically sucked my will to live. Because I felt like I was living through our breakup again. Because trying to help him drained whatever emotional energy I had left after hanging out with his ex all day saturday (she's a very self-centered person and can be very draining).
So I canceled my date. And I felt instantaneous relief. And I think I'm not going to date. The mere thought of becoming emotionally entangled with another person makes me want to crawl into bed and suck my thumb. Never mind that he sounds like Eeyore on the phone. And I've got enough sucubuses in my life. And I want to enjoy my friends b/c they are a ton of fun and men are distracting. And also, I'm not over the ex. Also, I've been ignoring my faith and I really want to fix that. And I have this distinct feeling that I can't when I'm in a relationship. B/c I haven't reconciled the two yet.
And fundamentally, I want to be there for people. For my friends. For the ex. For the ex's ex. All these people I love and care for, many of whom love and care for me. And the thought of being filled with God's love so that it spills over and makes me better able to love others, so that others may feel God's love...shit, that thought makes me want to live a long time. So that's what I want to focus on. And myself. And my tv. I want to get to know my TV very, very well. So actually, before I even really start dating, I think I'm taking a break. And I'm going to be more judicious about my social engagements.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not making myself some pathetic follower of the Ex for him to use and abuse. If what happened this weekend happens again, it's going to have to stop, this us trying to be friends thing. But I really think I was emotionally drained, and he, with almost a sick sixth sense, wrangled me in, pulled me down, made me weak for a day. It was a temporary lapse. Call me stupid. Call me blind. But at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm less blind and stupid than I was two months ago. Either I'm going to learn my lesson, or by the will of God, I'm actually going to be a blessing in his life.
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