Another milestone towards graduation checked off. This past weekend was the last school ski trip I will attend as a law student. Did I ski? No. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I drink? Of course. Was there drama? Predictably so. Was I involved? A little bit.
All I will say is that there is nothing like the feeling of your stomach dropping to your knees when you see the guy who was just kissing you have another girl all over him. Not that he was reciprocating per se, and not that everyone is like me because I think I'm particularly damaged in this regard, but it's an awful feeling. In the end, though, it feels good to be able to go to him and be like, hi, hey, let's talk, and nip it in the bud, and leave the party behind. And, incidentally, my jealousy gives me a clue as to the true state of things in my heart.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Another Milestone
I start my last semester tomorrow. Well, I guess I technically started it today, because I taught my first class today, but classes don't start until tomorrow at the law school where I'm actually enrolled full-time.
Yeah, I've been down. But talking to my BFF the other day made me feel a lot better, and focusing on a task, such as teaching, made me feel a lot better.
There is not that much to say. I just resolve to have a lot of fun, but also to have a lot more self-control this semester.
I'm ok. If you care at all, I'm ok.
This is totally discombobulated b/c I've had many beers.
Good night!
Friday, January 12, 2007
I Think I Understand
I have been incredibly depressed ever since I've gotten home. I want nothing to do with most people, the same people who, before I left, were my entire social life at school. I want to back out of everything I have planned (except maybe the softball trip). I keep reliving things I thought I was over and were in the past, relegated to nothing more than a sad footnote.
And just now, in the toilet, I had an epiphany as to why I've been this way. Maybe it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me; I could only tie it to some sort of post-trip slump. But the truth is, my vacation was incredibly liberating. Last semester, my life was fodder for gossip. And pity. Some of it was in my control, some of it was less so. Also, in the last 2.5 years of law school, I've had to deal with my own insecurities and, increasingly more, the insecurities and pathologies of my peers.
IT IS ALL INCREDIBLY TIRING AND DRAINING.
In contrast, while I was in China, I was alone most of the time. Anyone I interacted with, I knew I wouldn't have to see them after a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days. Instead of being super bitchy, I was free and I was myself.
I know I don't have to fall back into the ways of last semester. And I have already vowed not to make the same boneheaded decisions I made last year, and more importantly, not to drink so much, which will probably help the boneheaded decision-making. But there is an inevitability of some of it. I can't completely ignore everyone, because, after all, they are my friends. And I'd get really lonely. Even though it sounds trite, I guess I just have to be true to myself.
Also, I think I am developing a regret. I am generally not a regretful person. I tend to look at the things in my life, the decisions I have made, as things that have helped me be the person I am. And while I have flaws, I like who I am. But this one decision, this one person, has just made me sad and mopey and prone to crying even when I'm riding the fucking airport express from Hong Kong to the Hong Kong Airport. Seriously. And that sadness, that hurtness, I regret that, no matter how much fucking hair it puts on my chest. It just feels like this huge could-have-been-earth-shatteringly-amazing that escaped, and my life is poorer for it. Maybe the positive gloss on that experience will come back when I'm not feeling so depressed about law school. Maybe.
I guess, on the upside, I have not become some bitter, jaded singleton who curses love and relationships. I guess.
And just now, in the toilet, I had an epiphany as to why I've been this way. Maybe it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me; I could only tie it to some sort of post-trip slump. But the truth is, my vacation was incredibly liberating. Last semester, my life was fodder for gossip. And pity. Some of it was in my control, some of it was less so. Also, in the last 2.5 years of law school, I've had to deal with my own insecurities and, increasingly more, the insecurities and pathologies of my peers.
IT IS ALL INCREDIBLY TIRING AND DRAINING.
In contrast, while I was in China, I was alone most of the time. Anyone I interacted with, I knew I wouldn't have to see them after a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days. Instead of being super bitchy, I was free and I was myself.
I know I don't have to fall back into the ways of last semester. And I have already vowed not to make the same boneheaded decisions I made last year, and more importantly, not to drink so much, which will probably help the boneheaded decision-making. But there is an inevitability of some of it. I can't completely ignore everyone, because, after all, they are my friends. And I'd get really lonely. Even though it sounds trite, I guess I just have to be true to myself.
Also, I think I am developing a regret. I am generally not a regretful person. I tend to look at the things in my life, the decisions I have made, as things that have helped me be the person I am. And while I have flaws, I like who I am. But this one decision, this one person, has just made me sad and mopey and prone to crying even when I'm riding the fucking airport express from Hong Kong to the Hong Kong Airport. Seriously. And that sadness, that hurtness, I regret that, no matter how much fucking hair it puts on my chest. It just feels like this huge could-have-been-earth-shatteringly-amazing that escaped, and my life is poorer for it. Maybe the positive gloss on that experience will come back when I'm not feeling so depressed about law school. Maybe.
I guess, on the upside, I have not become some bitter, jaded singleton who curses love and relationships. I guess.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Nightmare
I just dreamt that I was in a plane and it was crashing. And even though we were cruising at altitude with the door open, and the cabin looked an awful lot like someone's living room, and my friend was piloting the plane, I totally believed it was real. And I thought I was going to die. So I closed my eyes and got in that hunched over position, and waited for death. It was so real. The pull of G forces, the sight of the ground getting closer through wispy clouds, the sound of the wind rushing, the sense of doom.
Then I finally eased out of sleep and realized that I was in fact in my cozy bed and my arm was asleep.
Unfortunately, because of jet lag and the adrenaline from thinking that I was dying, I am wide awake. Last night I managed to stay awake until 10pm. The night before, I crapped out at 8pm, missing a dinner party and seeing friends.
Oh, and on an unrelated note, I found out yesterday that I can adjust my Powerbook trackpad so that I can click on things by hitting the trackpad twice. You know, just like on PC laptops. This would have been especially useful information a year ago when, out of habit, I kept tapping on the damn thing. Oh well, better late than never, I suppose.
Then I finally eased out of sleep and realized that I was in fact in my cozy bed and my arm was asleep.
Unfortunately, because of jet lag and the adrenaline from thinking that I was dying, I am wide awake. Last night I managed to stay awake until 10pm. The night before, I crapped out at 8pm, missing a dinner party and seeing friends.
Oh, and on an unrelated note, I found out yesterday that I can adjust my Powerbook trackpad so that I can click on things by hitting the trackpad twice. You know, just like on PC laptops. This would have been especially useful information a year ago when, out of habit, I kept tapping on the damn thing. Oh well, better late than never, I suppose.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Outside Is Inside
I'm completely depressed. Wow, what a fall, after the trip. And to make matters worse, it's rainy and dreary here. Makes me feel completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING.
Friday, January 05, 2007
My Last Day - Macau!
My passport is pretty well stamped up! I got a stamp upon leaving Hong Kong and I got another one upon entering another Chinese SAR (Special Administrative Region), Macau. China originally leased the land to the Portuguese, and the locals and the Portuguese got rich through trade. But then Hong Kong took over as the primary trade center, and Macau decided to make money by legalizing gambling! Portugal returned the island back to China in the 1970s, but there are still many signs of the hundreds of years of Portuguese influence. Churches, custards, language, and inter-racial children.
When I first arrived in Hong Kong, I thought it was interesting, and rather cumbersome, that everything came in three languages - Mandarin, Cantonese and English. Every announcement on the MTR (subway) comes in threes. In Macau, throw Portuguese in the mix! Actually, you could probably take Mandarin out, so it's still three languages. But still.
I spent the whole day walking. Memo to you - if you ever arrive at the ferry terminal in Macau and think that downtown is not that far away, think again. It's not that far away, but when you spend the whole day walking, there's no point to walk all that way in a haze of car exhaust. Especially if you plan on walking up the hill to the Guia lighthouse and fortress.
Oh, and do be careful if you ever go to Macau. Where there are sidewalks, they are no more than a foot wide. I saw schoolchildren walking along this windy thoroughfare, presumably returning to classes after their lunch break, with nothing but a yellow painted line protecting Macau's future. But maybe you'll come for the gambling. I never did check out a casino, but whatever.
To the pictures!
I met up with my friends for one last dinner in Hong Kong, had "beggar's chicken", which is a whole chicken baked in a mud shell. My friend and I got to break the shell with a giant mallet and had our picture taken. So touristy! Fantastic! Then we went for foot massages. Slightly sketchy, but totally awesome after a long day of walking. Not gonna lie, though, it fucking hurt.
On that note, I'm coming home!!! Well, first, a pit stop in LA!
If you're interested, I will eventually finish updating my blog. So do keep checking back... :)
When I first arrived in Hong Kong, I thought it was interesting, and rather cumbersome, that everything came in three languages - Mandarin, Cantonese and English. Every announcement on the MTR (subway) comes in threes. In Macau, throw Portuguese in the mix! Actually, you could probably take Mandarin out, so it's still three languages. But still.
I spent the whole day walking. Memo to you - if you ever arrive at the ferry terminal in Macau and think that downtown is not that far away, think again. It's not that far away, but when you spend the whole day walking, there's no point to walk all that way in a haze of car exhaust. Especially if you plan on walking up the hill to the Guia lighthouse and fortress.
Oh, and do be careful if you ever go to Macau. Where there are sidewalks, they are no more than a foot wide. I saw schoolchildren walking along this windy thoroughfare, presumably returning to classes after their lunch break, with nothing but a yellow painted line protecting Macau's future. But maybe you'll come for the gambling. I never did check out a casino, but whatever.
To the pictures!
I met up with my friends for one last dinner in Hong Kong, had "beggar's chicken", which is a whole chicken baked in a mud shell. My friend and I got to break the shell with a giant mallet and had our picture taken. So touristy! Fantastic! Then we went for foot massages. Slightly sketchy, but totally awesome after a long day of walking. Not gonna lie, though, it fucking hurt.
On that note, I'm coming home!!! Well, first, a pit stop in LA!
If you're interested, I will eventually finish updating my blog. So do keep checking back... :)
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I Give Up
I can't keep up with the writing. So I'm going to post pictures.
There's a lot on my mind, and there's still a lot to write about, and I will, eventually. But for now, as this trip draws to a close, I have to say, this is just what I needed during this break as a way to shake off last semester. Last semester was way fun, but it kinda sucked, too.
For my last semester of law school, there will be no suckage. Only fun. Damnit!
There's a lot on my mind, and there's still a lot to write about, and I will, eventually. But for now, as this trip draws to a close, I have to say, this is just what I needed during this break as a way to shake off last semester. Last semester was way fun, but it kinda sucked, too.
For my last semester of law school, there will be no suckage. Only fun. Damnit!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Dec. 31 - Beijing to Shanghai to Zhouzhuang to Suzhou
On New Year’s Eve, after a leisurely morning working on my paper and such, we went to the airport to catch our flight to Shanghai. At the airport, we were bussed from the terminal to our 747-400. When we were called to board, the rush was amazing, and it was just to get on a cramped bus! And then as soon as the bus doors opened at our destination, there was another mad rush to board the plane. I thought they were giving away free upgrades, from the way the people rushed and pushed.
At first, all the pushing and shoving really got to me. But then one day, I found myself waiting for people to go ahead of me. And then I found myself still waiting a few minutes later, and I realized that if I didn’t find the aggressive self in me, I was going to be waiting my turn for a long, long time. There is definitely a lesser sense of personal space. I get bumped into all the time, but no one cares. I guess when the country is that crowded, you’d spend half your day apologizing if you were so inclined. I’ve found myself being a little pushy now.
But that’s today. On New Year’s Eve, I was flying to Shanghai. When we landed, our guide met us and drove us to Zhouzhuang, almost two hours away. We passed through what our guide called “countryside;” I was struck by the dirty canals and the fact that crops were planted around the bases of those giant metal structures that hold up power lines. Night fell, and we continued on. I hate driving in the dark, because the scenery is just an indiscriminate mess of grays and blues. And then, out of nowhere, we would drive into a downtown area, that was surprisingly alive and bustling for the night of New Year’s Eve. Stores were open, and people were filling the streets, doing their shopping. I felt my first pangs of loneliness as I happened to glance into a restaurant and saw about 30 people who all seemed to know each other sitting down to dinner after someone gave a toast.
We arrived in Zhouzhuang, an ancient city that is laced with canals and stone bridges and has gondolas to ride on and everything. It was rather enchanting at night, with all the lights reflecting in the water, but we were tired. Also, our guide walked REALLY quickly and liked to push us through from site to site very quickly. So we soon got back in our van and drove onwards to Suzhou, which, according to our guide, has 6 million residents and is the third richest city in China and is famous for its silk and beautiful women.
Suzhou was equally alive as the small downtown areas we had driven through earlier. There were so many shops open and so much neon signage, I felt like I was in Vegas. We had dinner, checked into our hotel, and I settled in for what I hoped was a productive night of paper writing. Instead, as it was the first hotel with internet, I caught up on email and such. At midnight, I was startled by fireworks. They were loud. That’s because they were being set off from the parking lot in front of the hotel. (See pictures.)
And that was how I rang in 2007.
At first, all the pushing and shoving really got to me. But then one day, I found myself waiting for people to go ahead of me. And then I found myself still waiting a few minutes later, and I realized that if I didn’t find the aggressive self in me, I was going to be waiting my turn for a long, long time. There is definitely a lesser sense of personal space. I get bumped into all the time, but no one cares. I guess when the country is that crowded, you’d spend half your day apologizing if you were so inclined. I’ve found myself being a little pushy now.
But that’s today. On New Year’s Eve, I was flying to Shanghai. When we landed, our guide met us and drove us to Zhouzhuang, almost two hours away. We passed through what our guide called “countryside;” I was struck by the dirty canals and the fact that crops were planted around the bases of those giant metal structures that hold up power lines. Night fell, and we continued on. I hate driving in the dark, because the scenery is just an indiscriminate mess of grays and blues. And then, out of nowhere, we would drive into a downtown area, that was surprisingly alive and bustling for the night of New Year’s Eve. Stores were open, and people were filling the streets, doing their shopping. I felt my first pangs of loneliness as I happened to glance into a restaurant and saw about 30 people who all seemed to know each other sitting down to dinner after someone gave a toast.
We arrived in Zhouzhuang, an ancient city that is laced with canals and stone bridges and has gondolas to ride on and everything. It was rather enchanting at night, with all the lights reflecting in the water, but we were tired. Also, our guide walked REALLY quickly and liked to push us through from site to site very quickly. So we soon got back in our van and drove onwards to Suzhou, which, according to our guide, has 6 million residents and is the third richest city in China and is famous for its silk and beautiful women.
Suzhou was equally alive as the small downtown areas we had driven through earlier. There were so many shops open and so much neon signage, I felt like I was in Vegas. We had dinner, checked into our hotel, and I settled in for what I hoped was a productive night of paper writing. Instead, as it was the first hotel with internet, I caught up on email and such. At midnight, I was startled by fireworks. They were loud. That’s because they were being set off from the parking lot in front of the hotel. (See pictures.)
And that was how I rang in 2007.
Beijing - Dec. 31, 7:14 am
I’m finally on Beijing time! It didn’t take me very long, but I wouldn’t suggest the getting-sick-and-sleeping-for-13-hours route.
Yesterday morning, we headed out towards the Great Wall. In the snow! Dirty, brown, Beijing snow.
On the way there, we stopped at the Jade Factory. Despite it being a government sponsored tourist trap, it was interesting. We got to see “artisans” making jadewares. I kept thinking they were going to slice a finger off on the machines. The fact that they were using machines made me sad. I guess in my head, I pictured tiny chisels to make the intricate carvings. Even though there is over 1 billion people here, I’m not sure they could keep up with the tourist demand, from the looks of things at the Jade Factory.
Then we continued towards the Great Wall. We climbed and climbed and climbed 2500 feet (I think) to the seventh tower. There really isn’t that much to say, so I shall say it in bullet points.
- At tower 5, there was a gift shop where I picked up some perfectly kitchsy “I climbed the Great Wall” t-shirts. I tried not to feel cheated when I discovered that they sold the same t-shirts at the bottom.
- There were many women dressed inappropriately for climbing the Great Wall in the snow – namely, in 5-inch stiletto heels. Oh, those crazy Russians.
- I saw one person running down the snowy stairs. We talked to him; he was German.
- The thought that kept running through my head on the way up, as my heart and breathing rates increased, was the smog I was breathing in. I’m giving up smoking because I pretty much smoked 18 packs of cigarettes yesterday. The smog was so bad that, on top of the haze from the natural weather, I couldn’t see the 7th tower from the 6th tower. The aforementioned German estimated it to be 200 metres away.
- Opposite from the side of the Great Wall that we climbed was another “Great Wall.” As it turns out, it’s an imitation wall that the government constructed to try and ease some of the pressure off the real great wall. It didn’t work because no one goes there. But it’s there.
After the Great Wall, we went to lunch at this restaurant / friendship store. The restaurant was in the back, so we had to walk through the shop on the way in and out. According to our guide, a friendship store is a government run place that was one of the first places to sell Chinese goods to foreigners. I loved the little signs that said “government shop; fair prices; no negotiating”. I didn’t buy anything, but one of my traveling companions said that he was able to “negotiate” down on the premise that he didn’t have any more money.
After lunch, we drove through the traffic and pretty much went straight to dinner. After dinner, we went to a Shaolin Kung Fu show. I have to say, despite my low expectations and the cheesy nature of the show, I really enjoyed the show. I caught myself with my mouth wide open a few times. The show was a blend of martial arts and ballet, heavy on the ballet. I very much appreciated the martial arts. And I realized that if I ever go to the ballet, I want a seat near the front. I liked seeing the facial expressions and the sweaty brows and the, erm, ripply muscles. Anyway. That was the day. Today, we are off to Shanghai.
Yesterday morning, we headed out towards the Great Wall. In the snow! Dirty, brown, Beijing snow.
On the way there, we stopped at the Jade Factory. Despite it being a government sponsored tourist trap, it was interesting. We got to see “artisans” making jadewares. I kept thinking they were going to slice a finger off on the machines. The fact that they were using machines made me sad. I guess in my head, I pictured tiny chisels to make the intricate carvings. Even though there is over 1 billion people here, I’m not sure they could keep up with the tourist demand, from the looks of things at the Jade Factory.
Then we continued towards the Great Wall. We climbed and climbed and climbed 2500 feet (I think) to the seventh tower. There really isn’t that much to say, so I shall say it in bullet points.
- At tower 5, there was a gift shop where I picked up some perfectly kitchsy “I climbed the Great Wall” t-shirts. I tried not to feel cheated when I discovered that they sold the same t-shirts at the bottom.
- There were many women dressed inappropriately for climbing the Great Wall in the snow – namely, in 5-inch stiletto heels. Oh, those crazy Russians.
- I saw one person running down the snowy stairs. We talked to him; he was German.
- The thought that kept running through my head on the way up, as my heart and breathing rates increased, was the smog I was breathing in. I’m giving up smoking because I pretty much smoked 18 packs of cigarettes yesterday. The smog was so bad that, on top of the haze from the natural weather, I couldn’t see the 7th tower from the 6th tower. The aforementioned German estimated it to be 200 metres away.
- Opposite from the side of the Great Wall that we climbed was another “Great Wall.” As it turns out, it’s an imitation wall that the government constructed to try and ease some of the pressure off the real great wall. It didn’t work because no one goes there. But it’s there.
After the Great Wall, we went to lunch at this restaurant / friendship store. The restaurant was in the back, so we had to walk through the shop on the way in and out. According to our guide, a friendship store is a government run place that was one of the first places to sell Chinese goods to foreigners. I loved the little signs that said “government shop; fair prices; no negotiating”. I didn’t buy anything, but one of my traveling companions said that he was able to “negotiate” down on the premise that he didn’t have any more money.
After lunch, we drove through the traffic and pretty much went straight to dinner. After dinner, we went to a Shaolin Kung Fu show. I have to say, despite my low expectations and the cheesy nature of the show, I really enjoyed the show. I caught myself with my mouth wide open a few times. The show was a blend of martial arts and ballet, heavy on the ballet. I very much appreciated the martial arts. And I realized that if I ever go to the ballet, I want a seat near the front. I liked seeing the facial expressions and the sweaty brows and the, erm, ripply muscles. Anyway. That was the day. Today, we are off to Shanghai.
Monday, January 01, 2007
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