Finis, Again

Finis, Again
I tire of the interwebs.

I also tire of hating on women. The Boy and his ways made me feel insecure and made me look at women like they were enemies. They were all Others. I'm sure this phenomenon was not helped by other aspects of my life. That I'm the only daughter (and youngest child of three to boot). That law school has totally amplified the alpha female in me. Etc. Anyway. I'm tired of this. I need to recenter myself and find that part of me that sees life as a journey, a fuck all hard one, and sees women as ... sisters on the same journey, trying to get to the same end. Yeah, we could claw over each other, and some do, but I'm not that kind of girl.

I'd really love to shout from rooftops just what kind of boy the Boy is.

But I'm done. I'm done hating, and I'm done feeling sad, and I'm done with it mattering. I'm resuming my summer of fun. And tonight, I had fun sailing on the Harbor. In thunder and lightning! If the firm is trying to woo me, it's working ...

Dueling Lyrics?

Dueling Lyrics?
Appropriate break up lyrics: Back in Time - Au Revoir Simone

Do you think
(When you know you know it)
If we could go back in time
(When you know you know it)
Do you think
(Listen up, listen up)
that I liked you then?
(I will look for you there)

Would you try
(When you see you see it)
Not to be so mean
(When you see you see it)
And we'd never
(Won't be long, it won't be long)
Just be friends
(I will wait for you there)

There were times that I felt that this was right
There were times that I felt that this was right
What do you think?
This will never work
What do you think?
This will never work

There were times that I felt that this was right
There were times that I felt that this was right
What do you think?
This will never work
What do you think?
This will never work

Inappropriate break up lyrics: Scotty Doesn't Know - Lustra

Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday.
She tells him she's in church but she doesn't go
Still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know!

Oh Scotty doesn't know!
So Don't Tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty doesn't know!
So Don't Tell Scotty!

Fiona says she's out shopping,
But she's under me and I'm not stopping...

Because Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty doesn't know! (X3)
So don't tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!

Don't tell Scotty!

I can't believe he's so trusting,
While I'm right behind you thrusting.
Fiona's got him on the phone,
And she's trying not to moan.
It's a three-way call and he knows nothing!

Scotty doesn't know!(X3)
So don't tell Scotty!
Scotty doesn't know!(X3)

We'll put on a show!
Everyone will go!
Scotty doesn't know!(x3)

The parkin lot
Why not? It's so cool when you're on top!
His front lawn in the snow
Life is so hard because Scotty doesn't know!

We did it on his birthday...

Scotty doesn't know!(X4)

Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty won't know!
Scotty doesn't know!
Scotty's gotta know!
Gotta tell Scotty!
Gotta tell him myself!
Scotty doesn't know! (X10)


[Chant] Scotty doesn't know! (x7)
[Chant] Scotty's gotta go!

Mildly inappropriate break up lyrics: Left Me a Fool - Indigo Girls

Everybody loves you
And they want to know your story
You go riding out a mystery
Concealed in all your glory
But when it comes to flesh and bones
You remind me of shallot
Only made of shadows
Even though youre not

I remember how I spent
All my energy and time
With affected conversation
Trying to pry inside your mind
You are as beautiful as truth
And as empty as a shell
And I came to you one night
And it made me feel like hell

Oh to reach through all your surface
Just to find an empty pool
And to suffer all your pride
As I lay down by your side
And you swallowed up my heart
And left me a fool
Left me a fool

Everybody loves a hero
An image to create
The antithesis of everything
Inside ourselves we hate
But youd better close your eyes
When its time for them to die
Because youd hate to think the life
Youd built upon them was a lie

Oh to reach through all your surface
Just to find an empty pool
And to suffer all your pride
As I lay down by your side
And you swallowed up my heart
And left me a fool
Left me a fool

I resign myself to silence
I will never blow your cover
No one ever has to know
Who the hero took for lover
But it has come to mind as you blaze on
As brilliant as a star
How many youve left behind
How many casualties there are

Oh to reach through all your surface
Just to find an empty pool
And to suffer all your pride
As I lay down by your side
And you swallowed up my heart
And left me a fool
Left me a fool

In the interest of full disclosure, maybe I started it all with the last song.

Acknowledge It, Then Move On

Acknowledge It, Then Move On
I'm sad. Apparently, I feel sadness in the pit of my stomach.

Finis!

Finis!
In the end, I was overwhelmed by a sense of dishonesty and that I was being treated like shit. No, I'm not going to sit here while you talk to her for 30 minutes, to her across the country, when you couldn't give me the fucking time of day while you were there. It was just another sign, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The camel of trust. The camel of self-respect. The camel of "I'm not seeing anyone else." There were other signs. Signs I don't need to go into. But in the end, I couldn't put up with any of it. I couldn't just do it for the fun because while the fun was good, oh so very very good, the pain was too much and it wasn't worth it. And I'm too emotionally invested to just stick around for the fun knowing that it wasn't going to go anywhere.

I blame him 95%. Well, that's what I said in the moment. I am to blame, too. For flip-flopping. For trying too hard. For not giving up when the signs were there.

This is all part of the process, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. For now. I will be back. I just have to wait for that constriction in my chest to go away.

If feelings could all just be in my head, I think life would be easier. But I hate that feelings manifest themselves in physical symptoms. Butterflies in the stomach that make you feel giddy. A tightness in the chest that feels like your heart constricting around an empty space. That same constriction welling up in the back of your throat to make you feel like you want to vomit. Oh, feelings are so pleasant.

Yeah, sometimes I do wish I were dead inside.

[End wallowing.]

Manipulator or Manipulatee

Manipulator or Manipulatee?
So I've kind of been sitting on this decision all week, but I'm going to NYC this weekend. (K?) As it turns out, there are a lot of people in town and I want to see them. Random good friends from LA, and I want to see them.

But last night, the boy sprung a conversation on me. I felt one way last night, but now that it's morning and I'm awake, I feel differently.

In the end, I've been looking forward to this weekend for weeks, and I'm not letting him or his crazy keep me from it. Yes, HIS crazy. But the three margaritas I had last night made my lips loose enough to basically tell him everything I've been feeling. Yeah, he started the conversation with "where are we going" and I pretty much said, look, four weeks ago, I was already there. And there is nowhere.

Still, next week, less drinking. I feel like crap. Physically.

[original post redacted]

Hot Hot Heat

Hot Hot Heat
I slept like the dead last night. And dreamt about The Boy the whole time. Now I need to figure out how to get my head out of my dreams.

Success!

Success!





I am moving slowly this morning.

Separating the Wheat From the Chaff

Separating the Wheat From the Chaff
Last night I went to see Rocky Horror. My first time ever, but between keeping my mouth shut and other circumstances, like getting into the theatre early, managed to escape recognition. I think I'm a little too old for that anyway. All the people who were really excited about being topless and making out with another girl were all about 19 years old. Tops. But still, it was fun. What a bizarre movie. Although I can't ever see myself becoming so into a movie that I would take time out of my life to act it out, I can kind of see why such a phenomenon occurs. It detracts from the bizarreo nature of the film and really seems like the only natural thing to do.

I think tomorrow I am going rock climbing. OUTDOORS. Yeay!

Tonight, I am seeing We Are Scientists in action. No, they will not be making magic with beakers and solutions and lab coats, but will instead enchant us and try to better the world with drums, bass and guitar.

Man alive, four day weekends rule. I don't think I've slept in until 11 since work started.

(Maybe I was trying too hard.)

As If Calories Weren't Bad Enough

As If Calories Weren't Bad Enough

More Cadbury bars tested for bug
From the BBC

Food safety officials in Birmingham are testing a range of Cadbury's chocolate bars over fears more brands may be contaminated with salmonella.

Cadbury's removed one million bars across seven brands last week after traces of salmonella had been found in some chocolate.

Food safety teams from Birmingham City Council are now testing a range of Cadbury products for salmonella.

But a team spokesman said chocolate on sale in shops was safe to eat.

The 250g Dairy Milk Turkish, Dairy Milk Caramel and Dairy Milk Mint bars, the Dairy Milk 8 chunk and the 1kg Dairy Milk bar have been affected by the scare along with the 105g Dairy Milk Buttons Easter Egg and the Freddo bar.

Possible further contamination

Cadbury has blamed a leaking pipe at its Marlbrook plant, near Leominster, Herefordshire, for the salmonella contamination.

Gavin Tringham, from the city council's food safety team, said: "As result of the publicity last week and in cooperation with Cadbury's we are independently testing both current products lines and past product lines that have be returned.

"This is to ascertain if there is any contamination of current or past stock."

The testing is taking place as it emerged the mix used in the products that have been withdrawn was also the base ingredient in other confectionery.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency said it could not rule out that other products may be affected.

But Cadbury said it had tested tens of thousands of products and found no traces of salmonella.

It is continuing to test product lines four times a day.

Huh?

Huh?
I can't believe the story of my night involves an investigator, four border-line middle aged men on e, strippers, and a gay club. Seriously. HA!