Patience is not my virtue.
On the very first day of high school, I think my very first class was social studies, after the teacher called my name, he looked up at me and said, "You're not going to misbehave like your brother, are you?" (Or something to that effect.) This continued to happen on the first day of a lot of the rest of my classes in high school.

I bring this up now because several of the people at reunion came up to me, said hello, and inside of a minute asked me about my brother. These were guys played on sports teams with my brother and were terrorized by my brother. Though they knew me as my classmate, they knew me better as my brother's younger sister. In fact, my brother made the comments on the old high school blog, whereas I didn't. (Although it wasn't a big deal not to make the blog, it was somewhat soul-baring to have my brother make it ... it was the substance of the comment that did it. But I've taken all that down now, so it's erased from the face of the universe.) And at reunion, one guy came up to me I didn't remember at all, but he knew me, first and last name.

I was called on in class yesterday, by Professor UCC. I suspect he called on me because I came in late and walked across the room. He stopped mid-sentence and everything. But when he called me by my last name, it really brought me back to high school. (Perhaps it was because reunion hadn't worn off yet.) And upon reflection, I realized that it was really nice not to have anything to live up to, no familial reputation that precedes me. No expectations at all, except to work my hardest to learn law.

OK, now I'm veering towards the cheesy.

As for the title of this post ... I think not giving my number out to guys in bars is a reflection of another personality trait -- my impatience. I am NOT good at sitting on my arse waiting. I'm not very vested in any phone calls I may receive as o result of last weekend, but anticipating and even the small part of me that hopes for a phone call would really just rather pick up the phone and make the call, even if it results in rejection. I am not very good at playing the traditional female role, as tantalizing as the prospect of being chased may seem. In the words of Prof. Family Law, I'm a can do kinda girl, I think.

Help, please.
I'm on the market for a new computer. (I never did get that cell phone.) My computer is on its last legs, I fear. At the very least, I'm not sure how much more of this banging around it can take, from being transported to and fro. Here are the laptops I'm considering:

Dell Latitude -- I'm quite partial to my Dell Latitude now, and it has served me well, although I had to replace the hard drive 2.5 years into it. It's now lasted me 4.5 years. Not bad.

Dell XPS -- or something like that; it's their new multimedia gaming laptop. Looks...shiny.

Compaq -- cheap as, and my Compaq desktop was always pretty nifty.

IBM -- I hear it's a good workhorse.

Toshiba -- Ditto. I'm not sure how much to rely on word of mouth b/c I think it all depends on how people treat their laptops. You bang it around, it no workie for long.

iBook -- I want to be hip and cool. Although I can't take exams on Macs, I could always keep my old laptop around for just such a purpose.

Any other suggestions?

Learning.
"Evidence suggests that exposure to abuse leads to severe physical and psychological effects (i.e. nightmares, bedwetting, headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, aggression, withdrawal) similar to those experienced by victims of physical abuse."

A post-something buzz...
I was in a pretty fantastic mood today. Reunion was a great time, made me feel sentimental. Also, I think it was just hanging in NYC, with people my own age or close to it (within a year or two), and with cute, oh so very cute, boys. And Thanksgiving itself was pretty good -- I think I'm still buzzing from my family all being together and getting along. Miraculous. And even though I did no homework this weekend, I just had such a great time. It's kind of made me feel withdrawn from law school culture, kind of how I felt when I first moved here. Not into the scene, wanting my own separate life...

But let's get back to the boys. At 10pm, we were kicked out of the private party room and went into the main bar. As I went to the bar to get a drink (or water), these two guys were there, and we started chatting. One of them was really cute. So we talked and talked and talked and for about an hour, I was way more interested in talking to them then having awkward conversations with former classmates. But then, after about an hour or so, I realized that I should probably go back to talking to them. So ... I gave this guy my number and went away.

I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. This doesn't seem significant, but it is, because I am the queen of thinking myself out of these situations. I felt the urge to run come on, but I overcame it and just threw caution and fear to the wind. I'm not sure there was all that much chemistry there, but it was a big deal, I think, not to let that override everything. Hey, it's just a cell phone number.

The falling in love part, though, came later. There was a guy at reunion. I'll leave it at that. And we chatted and chatted and chatted ... and two hours and two bars later, he's like, blah blah blah, my fiancee.

So here we have reunion rule number 1: if you're engaged or in a serious relationship, put it out on the table right away.

But we talked and smoked, smoked and talked about some pretty weighty, drunken topics, and then he asked me for my number and was like, can we talk about this again? Umm, sure. Again, it's just a phone number. And it wasn't at all romantic seeming on his part.

I'm so boy crazy right now. I'm also missing NYC, and missing the people there, and the nightlife there. I'm also, like I said, feeling withdrawn from law school life / social scene. So, I was totally buzzed all day today from a fabulous weekend (and still sort of hungover, ugh). And then I got home and opened my mail and found a letter from my bank. I used my check card three times last Saturday when my account was overdrawn. Stupid me. But that also meant 3 $30 fee charges. $90! It made me ill thinking about it. I'm kind of in a foul mood and am going to try begging and pleading, mixed with promises of never doing this again, with the bank tomorrow.

That wasn't so bad, after all.
Reunion has come and gone, but my hangover is here to stay. Seriously. It's quite pathetic. But...I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FUN REUNION WAS! Sure, I was anxious before, and it was awkward during, but everyone was so nice. Well, I can think of one who wasn't. But it was so much fun! I ended up staying out until 4 am with a few friends, and re-kindled friends, and a grad from the year behind me. Somehow, at around 3 a.m. I had one too many drinks, ended up taking a cab downtown to my old neighborhood in the east village, so my re-kindled friends could eat shwarma at a place that used to be a divey pizza shop. Hot!

But now it's 9pm, and I'm still at my parents' house, on dial up. I'm not sure when I'm going to be driving home, but I think it's going to happen tonight, if I could only manage to see straight. I really want to go to class tomorrow, and after sleeping all day, as might as well drive all night.

There's so much I want to say but I should really do some homework.

Update.
I did indeed get those movies. But with the movies on my desk, I did homework and made a few phone calls instead.

Actually had a meal and talked to my brother. It was tentative...it was our first attempt at conversation in about 2 years.

I love that my parents implore me to lose weight. I love that when I come home they try to shove as much food down my gullet as they can. Oh Chinese love.

I love that everyone thinks I'm Korean and that I'm from California. Seriously, in the last few days, everyone's like, oh are you going back to California for the holiday? Well, no, because my family is in NJ. Oh...I thought you were from California...and Korean. It's really weird. Why is my life so enignmatic that people can't get it straight?

Be back soon. I'll probably blog like 8 more times before I leave. Dial up be damned.

Blogging on dialup.
I'm home. And I just looked through my senior year high school yearbook. Oh, I am no longer even remotely looking forward to reunion. I was SO fat in high school.

I'm tempted to go to the video store and rent three movies for 10 dollars, as that is the deal they always run.

Then again, I'm staring at the pile of law school books I drove home and think that movies would be a bad distraction.

What to do?

Don't I deserve a few movies after driving home for like 7 hours?

A sign...?
I'm going through another phase of insecurity and self-doubt. I wake up after a night on the town and think about how I was a total idiot the night before. I say something in class and immediately think what I said added zero value to the world.

I think I've changed a lot in the last 1.5 years since I've started law school. On the one hand, I'm a lot more insecure, particularly lately. On the other hand, I'm a lot more aggressive. I say things and am sort of snippy with people where I think I was slightly gentler about it before. Or maybe I'm just as snippy and my insecurity makes me perceive myself as snippier. I also compare myself to other people a lot, which is never a good thing.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, about how I've changed, which is why I'm bringing it up now (again), tho' it's kind of late in the game. I think at the root of is law school dynamic, the competition, the constant sense of comparison. It's somehow needled its way into my persona and being and perceptions of self-worth.

Lobotomize me, and get it out! I want to be the old me!

Then again, maybe I should take a long hard read of this dirty ole thing and see if I really have changed in law school, or if it's law school just amplifying characteristics that have always been there. Perhaps a task for Thanksgiving, which starts as soon as my class gets out at 5:45!

I was walking towards school from the gym and was kind of in a foul mood because of the weather. And then I noticed these like 5 greyhound buses lined up at a corner. And then I thought about all the students that are traveling home this week, all the families that will be welcoming them home, feeding, pampering and loving their studious kids. (Although at this school, I think the kids tend to party more than study...) And I was overcome with a happy, warm feeling. I love Thanksgiving. All that food and family and tradition ... Although my family has no tradition, my mom has already told me that she's going to take care of me when I come home this weekend. Should offset the trauma of my TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. ACK!

Patrioticity.
Ever since I studied journalism in graduate school, I’ve been instilled with a generous serving of cynicism when it comes to the media. Yes, we have freedom of the press, but it’s false, I would say. When reporters aren’t being manipulated by spin doctors and press secretaries, they’re being manipulated by ad executives, pushing the newest toy, fad or movie in a synergistic tie with the mother company.

But what is freedom of the press but being able to say and publish these types of thoughts without fear of death or punishment?

On one of the first days of graduate school, a classmate of mine who is from Colombia asked, as we were discussing the publication of controversial or erroneous information, “You mean, you don’t have to worry about being killed?”

So as it comes upon Thanksgiving, I guess maybe my point should be that, even though things suck sometimes, and it’s not perfect or ideal, maybe it’s not that bad after all.

I like green.


John Negroponte, the founder of Wired magazine and the MIT Media Lab, went to the UN and proposed his plan to provide $100 hand-cranked green laptops to every kid in the world. (Read the Wired story or the CS Monitor story or get more images; the screen turns!)

The story is inspiring (even rural kids can have computers and wireless!), sad (umm, food and water first?), and farcical (a hand-cranked computer?! I can think of a few professors who could use one of those!).

Happy Weekend!