here is the tower...
just picture it with balconies and strung out laundry
and it could easily pass as a communist apartment building... 

ramblings and revelations part the 47th
you should visit my friend at her blog.
a friend also referred me to this blog written by a pretty brave, sexy chic.

but enough about other women. onto me...
in recent weeks, i developed a crush on a boy at school, acted like i was 14 again, fell in love, planned my future, and had my heart broken. okay, not really, but my crushes get pretty intense. like my heart is 6 dates ahead of where the actual relationship is. tonight i had a chance to go out with the boy in a small group, drink some beer, get a buzz, share some dirt, put my hand on his arm. but did he show? nope. but i learned some stuff about him. let me sum it up:

HE IS EXACTLY LIKE ALL OF THE GUYS I HAVE BEEN WITH IN RECENT TIMES.

shall i explain? well, it goes beyond the age. it seems that every man i've been with my ENTIRE life has been in the range of 20-22 years old. it's just me that changes. when i was 18, i was with a 22 year old. when i was 25, i was with a 21 year old...followed shortly by a 20 year old. i'm 27 now and the first guy i have a crush on at high school...err, law school...he's 22. a pass-through. never lived on his own, just graduated from some little sheltered college in the middle of nowhere, i've never paid my own electricity bill and i'm going to live on pasta and bread for three years until i can afford pizza every night kind of guy. at least seemingly so. i'm not making a value judgment. i've been there too, but that was five years ago for me.

i can think of other guys who had a similar mentality. they liked me. they were attracted to me. but i played second fiddle to basketball, martial arts...even marijuana. maybe that was fun when i was 23. i'm 27 now, and i'm not exactly looking to settle down tomorrow, but i don't want to waste emotional energy on ... a void.

part of me is in mourning -- of course, to be expected, because that's the way my emotions run. part of me is freaked that i can unconsciously repeat behaviors with such predictability. part of me, the part that gets me into trouble, thinks i can be the girl to save him. of course i can't. i know that. i just gotta let that thought sink into my heart. it just takes a while to get down there.

jet-lagged ramblings
ok, i'm not really jet-lagged. i just think it's much more glamorous to call daylight savings jet-lag. so it feels like midnight but the clock says 11pm. here are my exhausted ramblings...
my neighbor upstairs is apparently constructing a treehouse, at least i think she is given all the banging going on. i'm over-tired and tonight i was sort of stupid-giggly at volleyball. think it had anything to do with the boy? yes, certainly. tonight may be my last night when i go to sleep with some hope, at least for the next four years. i'm hosting an election party tomorrow night, mostly as an excuse not to be alone as the results come in. but in reality, i'm convinced that we are not going to know who the next president is going to be tomorrow night. i'll still pop over to copley and have a shout and a cheer, or a tear and shoulder to cry on. do i love kerry? frankly, no. but yes, i just hate bush that much. it's time to give someone else a chance. it can't get worse, i say. and then law school. oh yes law school. i'm kind of freaking out. not in an incapacitated way, but definitely in an unhappy way. the work is freaking me out. the curve is freaking me out. the fact that it's turning into high school more and more every day is pissing me off...AND freaking me out. i was walking in our crowded locker room last week and as i was coming out of my aisle, this girl was coming down the middle aisle and we nearly bumped into each other. oh, sorry, i said. and what did she do? she looked at me like i got in her fucking way somehow, oh i'm sorry your prissy majesty should i have gotten out of your way because you think you're so hot and smart? blech. have i turned into a ball of negativity? sort of. am i unhappy? no, i guess not really. this beats the alternative, because i was downright more miserable when i was teaching taekwondo and working at the club. speaking of the club, my parents have decided to turn it into some sort of restaurant/bar. apparently, it's going to have a submarine theme. full on with an octopus on the wall. uhh....don't ask. i just don't know.

whatever happened to customer service?
i just called to activate a credit card and i swear the guy was either talking into the wrong end of the phone or out of the wrong end of his body. i could only understand every other word he said. like the rest of the words didn't come out of his throat. i think he's in the wrong profession. and then he wouldn't stop trying to sell me stuff, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but since (SINCE) I couldn't udnerstnad him, i was getting really annoyed because i was afriad i was going to end up buying life insurance i didn't want.

I WANT A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but do i have to wait until 2007?!?!?!!
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/10/27/biotechnology.cats/index.html

i'm excited because i'm allergic to cats and now (in 2007) be like every other single woman who lives in the city and get my companionship in a feline way. :)

depression
i'm feeling sort of blue. have been all week. it kicked in sometime this past weekend when i realized that my life was being consumed by something that is kind of unpleasant right now. (yes, law school.) if kerry doesn't win, i may have to go on prozac.

hordes of europeans can't be wrong
did you hear about the british paper (the guardian) who started a campaign to match brits with undecided voters in a county in ohio. the brits were asked to write letters compelling the voters to vote, though not necessarily for either candidate. americans may be compelled to say butt out. but i argue this: europeans are generally better informed about american politics than the average fox-watching american. and what do we send to the guardian in reply? threats! we are so sophisticated...

the tower of power
"so are we near your law school?"
"yeah. you gotta see it. it's the ugliest building in the world."
"you haven't been to moscow. you should see those."
"actually, it looks just like a communist era apartment building without the balconies and laundry...there it is."
"you're right. it is ugly!"

first in october
i can't believe this is my first post all month. i think about posting things but then by the time i sit down at the computer, i've forgotten what i wanted to say. but tonight, i come here in pain. i had NO idea that i was allergic to cantaloupe! well, i'm not certain that i am, but three or four times in a row, now, when i've eaten cantaloupe, my stomach has hurt a lot. sour is the word i'd like to use. i thought maybe it's an acidic thing but my friend says that orange juice is far more acidic, so he suggested that i'm allergic. ouch! i'm in quite a lot of discomfort right now. i don't ever remember having this type of reaction before.

this weekend i went apple picking in new hampshire. it was quite fun! made me feel one with the earth. and we decided to go north so we could see the leaves changing color. it's finally dawned on me that autumn is here. before this weekend, i was still waiting for that warm, nearly-80 degree day. no way, honey, no more of those until may! or june. or july.

i am cool

1. i had yellow galoshes in college and that was over five years ago. remember that when you see all the kids walking around in their galoshes, thinking they're all cool.

2. i saw a girl wearing a giant green wool hat and green mittens. that girl is gonna have the shock of her life in february.

3. i bought an 8-pack of paper towels at target the last time we went and i realized the other day, when i had a chance to finally use one of those rolls, that i picked a pack of inspirational ones. you know, like may peace be with you and god is good or something like that. now, i'm not against god. it's just that these things make me feel like laura bush. and i would kill myself if i was married to w.
(in response, my friend replied: And don't you feel sorta bad using your inspirational
paper towels to, oh, I don't know, mop up grease spills or clean up smashed bug guts?)


4. i got cold-called for the first real time in contracts today. and i was sooooo nervous! it was like as soon as he called my name the adrenaline kicked in. and lately, i've been having a hard time understanding class. something to do with offers. i just don't really get it.