...

I changed my MySpace relationship status to "In a Relationship". It made me feel silly and awkward inside.

Saturday night, I referred to the boy as my "boyfriend". With air quotes and all.

Wow. What the hell is wrong with me?

The Other Side

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!

I MADE IT!!!

Here's the skinny on the bar exam: it wasn't THAT hard. Which worries me. And which probably explains the dreams I've been waking up to at 5 am, in a panic, trying to remember everything that I learned, or at least not forget it, and realizing some mistake I made on the exam, or something I could have written. Those have not been pleasant. I think last night I finally drank enough booze to get through the night.

Anyway, back to the bar exam. It really was about endurance. I was so tired, especially after the second day. Sitting there for 6 hours, reading 200 multiple choice questions, fighting the urge to put my head down and sleep. After the first day, which I took in Albany, I was so ecstatic and relieved I downed a quarter pounder at McDonald's and smoked two cigarettes. Writing the NY exam, however, left my wrist in such a state that it was tired just filling in the circles for my name the next day. Actually, that's inaccurate. My name is only 9 letters long. It was filling in the bubbles for the empty spaces after my name that was a killer. I'm pretty sure I now have carpal tunnel. From handwriting. It would explain the odd pain shooting up my arm.

So then the third day, I did the exam for my state. After that, I just wanted to get wasted. Which I didn't really do. Five drinks in and I was feeling so weird. The sensation was so unfamiliar and I didn't know how to deal with it. And I left the bar to meet up with the boy.

The boy. Oh, the boy. I don't really know what to say.

On the one hand, it's kind of annoying that yesterday, wanting to do something spontaneous like going to the beach, he just wasn't into the idea. Partly just b/c HE wasn't into it and partly, I suspect, because he's just a bum. Which ended up being fine b/c I'm going to spend the next week at the beach and the beach bores me. Which ended up being fine b/c laying on the couch all day watching movies was nice, too. We considered going to the museum (o' science) but the heat / humidity and the thought of ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS was too much. (Sorry!)

On the other hand, so much of what is hard about the relationship is my baggage. It's hard WORKING through problems instead of letting the problems break the deal. It's also hard trusting. Not him, b/c he's SO easy to trust, even as he sits there at 1 am txting some other girl somewhere in the city who, apparently, he used to date. Umm. Yeah, I do trust him then. It's just so easy to fall into this self-pity mode, this anxiety mode, this mode of worrying that he's cheating or going to cheat on me, but that's only b/c I'm so used to that mode it's like putting on a worn, broken-in pair of jeans. Because when I stop to think about it, he IS trustworthy, and I can't let me emotions or doubts take over. His joking about breaking up with me in a few weeks don't help. Not really funny! Lately, his jokes have taken on a tone where I think, hmm, you might be joking, but that's also partly what you're thinking. He's probably just poking at my insecurities, though.

Also, if he were just a bit less selfish and a little more talkative, I might fall in love with him lickety-split. :-0 For a few weeks, I was feeling kind of dead inside and ambivalent about the whole relationship. I know it was bar-related; I think it was because spending time with him meant time I was not studying, so that fear replaced any emotions I had for him. Yesterday, as we were lazing about, I got those pangs again, those waves of emotion that washed over me that started somewhere in my toes, made me knees a little weak, fluttered about in my stomach before hitting my head and making me realize that hey, whatever other crap there is, this is a good thing here. It was like, whoa. Also, yesterday, for the first time, I referred to the boy as my boyfriend. That was also like, WHOA.

My next goal: ask him about two things in his life that I'm afraid of broaching - his dad, and his time in the Army. So yeah, the boy went straight from high school into the Army and just got out over 18 months ago, in the midst of an Iraq tour. Yeah, WHOA. I want to know so much about it, but the only time I've ever brought it up was when we were drunk when we first met. It's ridiculous that MY baggage keeps me from asking him about that.

So that's that. I'm off to the beach for the week!!

A Snippet

It kind of felt like things were off track, derailed. By drunken words, by bar exam stress that's skewing what semblance of sanity I had. It feels like things are back on track. I'm not sure where the track is headed, but it's nice to be on it. And that's that.

Today I am heading to Albany; the exam is on Tuesday. Starts on Tuesday. The hotel we're staying at has a minimum three day reservation, so we thought, hey, mini vacay! There's apparently a pool. Ooh, better pack my sunscreen!

Probably see you on the other side of hell. AKA bar exam. Ack! Happy thoughts, prayers, wishes this way please!

Stories from the Public Library

I've been studying at the public library in town. It's a beautiful place to study. It's nice and cool. Quiet, but not too quiet, with the perfect amount of white noise.

The first time I studied there was 1L year, and some smelly homeless guy sat near me and made it really hard to concentrate. I've been going there off an on since then, but have really been spending a lot of time there this summer. I'm starting to recognize people - regular homeless people, the other people from my bar review course, med students, etc.

Several weeks ago, while I was there alone, a man sat down across from me. He had, among other things, a locked yellow toolbox, a laptop computer, and a stuffed raccoon. Not a formerly live raccoon, but a plush one. The raccoon made me think he was kind of weird, but he didn't smell, so he didn't really bother me...

...Until I noticed out of the corner of my eye him grabbing the raccoon, holding it close to him, smelling it, petting it, all while looking at me.

I did my best to ignore him. I've seen him at the library a few times since then, including once last week when he sat next to me again. I left soon afterwards however.

Today, he sat by me again. I did my best to ignore him, but kind of thought, hey, maybe I have a stalker. Not with any seriousness, although the coincidence of him sitting by me three times, out of the four times I've seen him at the library, did not escape me.

About an hour or two after his arrival, as I was fidgeting with my bag o' flashcards on the table, he looked at me again, grabbed his raccoon, and started petting and sniffing it. I think I lasted another 20 minutes before I got the rock outta there.

I guess there's one reason to be grateful that the bar exam will be over in less than a week - I won't have to see Raccoon Guy anymore. Too bad it wasn't the cute guy reading classic lit that's been sitting next to me.

Speaking of which, I have been completely unstable. I'll be really, really glad to get this bar exam over with and able to deal with my intimacy issues, without the added complication of bar exam stress. I'm seriously not able to function, and had a near meltdown today. :( Usually, I can keep it together fairly well. I think. I mean, more so than a lot of other people around me. But for some reason, my strength has been compromised. Also, I've noticed a serious spike in my appetite. That is, when I don't forget to feed myself, which I did the other day. Totally forgot to eat. Weird. Also, I've taken up smoking. In fact, I'm going for a smoke right now. I should set some ground rule, such as, once I finish this pack, no more. Sigh.

Darling When I See You, I See Me

The boy came over last night and I cooked him dinner. It was nearly a disaster. I dropped the chicken, the green beans came out crappy. I'd like to think that I'm off b/c of the bar exam, and maybe yeah I was crunched for time, but I suspect that I'm normally this klutzy and all over the place.

I had a nice time with the boy, which was nice after the last interaction left me ... dissatisfied. It's weird that not being around him (for 4 days?!) made me so unsure. Yet today ... it's good. I think I felt him kinda pulling away. Maybe he IS pulling away. Maybe it's just the initial excitement and desire to see each other constantly wearing off and mellowing into something ... more certain. Maybe it's just the bar exam that's making me nutty. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping that after the bar exam we can be a little bit more ... active and exciting. And not just catching a few hours here and there in the evening after I'm done studying.

It's interesting...he's not very talkative, and, well, if you know me at all, I am. And talking, not for the sake of talking, but communicating, is important to me. I like how he tries. We watched this movie last night, and I kinda didn't like it. I mean, I didn't hate it, I just didn't think it was very good. And he did. So I wanted to figure out what qualifies as "bad" for him. And at first he didn't really want to answer, but I think he sort of saw my frustration with trying to make a conversation, and he tried. It was ... cute. That word is a little trite, but I can't think of anything better. Suffice it to say, I found it charming.

As far as the bar exam...I know I'm learning stuff. At this point, I'm just scared that everything that's going to be on it is something I don't know. ACK! Back to studying!

Who Are You?

Why won't you tell me???

I Can't Wait Until After the Bar Exam When I Can Be a Normal(ish) Human Being Again

Part of the fun of fleeting hookups is that it's all fun and laughter and pleasure. There's none of the grumpiness and sweatiness of hot Sunday mornings and inefficient air conditions and dirty dishes. None of the mundaneness of getting the bike tire fixed.

Does that make me a guy??? Except for the psycho bitch part.

???

You're the University of Illinois!

With a taste for cities and bubbly alcohol, you might at first seem to be rather cosmopolitan. In reality, though, you're a bit of a hick trying to adapt to higher class tastes. You might be able to build most anything from the ground up, but you hide some dubious skeletons in your closet. With a tinge of lingering racism and a penchant for hazing, you have a lot to work on for self-improvement. On the plus side, you were the first to go home again, proving that you can.


Take the University Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I resurrected myself on Facebook, but I'm blogging anyways. My eyes are crossing with all the multiple choice questions I'm doing. UGH.

It's Time for Some Pictures That I Did Not Take

This picture moves me. There's something so innocent and loving about this. Nothing like the sibling relationships I had growing up.


This picture fills me with awe, the awe I imagine he's feeling. To so love trains and then to see so many that are so big and so huge. Ack! Fantasies coming true! Who knows what goes on in his head when he's playing! So different than fantasizing about, say, your stuffed animals coming to life. My friend told me the other day that when she was 8, she happened to read a newspaper that said 8 aliens were caught in Texas. She was very troubled that the visitors from another planet were not allowed to roam free.

I have facebook suicided, again, but this time in the hopes of not wasting so much time. This will probably mean that I will blog more. Ack! Bar exam!

..

But then again, I think I need to learn to forgive and relearn trust. People are not perfect. I'm not perfect. I will never find a perfect man. Not even a perfect friend. And I can't stick a fork in it just because I've been hurt. That is not a legitimate reason. This is not legitimate distrust. He is so very trustworthy, and before we even started dating, he was that way. So I need to quit it. Make a choice. Mind over heart.

In other news, there has been a lot of news stories about free lunches. (Well, by a lot I mean the NY Times and the Metro.) When I was a kid, I would spend summers with my aunt in Queens. Sometimes I was there to babysit her kids while she worked. Sometimes I was there b/c I loved her since she more or less raised me. I also loved her kids. Anyway, we used to walk blocks and blocks in the summer heat and go to these public schools in Queens. And we'd get our lunches in these trays with the compartments. Tater tots were always my favorite. And we'd get the little pints of whole milk. And I thought it was wonderful.

I never knew that it was something she did to save money. Or that other people in the room were there to fight off starvation, or to make dollars stretch a little further.

.

Frankly, I think it's doomed. This is not good. My head is too crazy.

Mas

...

"I'm not head-over-heels for you, I'm not in love with you. But I like you and I want to see where this goes."

"That's dating."

"Yes."

"I do too."

"Usually, I date girls who are my friends already, so I don't have to guess or figure out whether something is going to work. I have a good idea."

"So why did you ask me out?"

"Because even though I don't remember the exact words I said to you, I remember having a good time with you. And I wanted to see what would happen."

...

"So what can I do to fix this? To make you feel better?"

"I don't know."

...

...

...

"Well, if you could just, you know, I know you're not looking or expecting to meet anyone, but if you do, could you just have the decency not to hook up with her and then break up with me?"

"That's what I was trying to say the other night. Just not so clearly."

"Oh."

"I wouldn't do that to you. If this doesn't work out, I still want to be friends with you."

(Insert some muddled sentences where I'm trying to say that I'm being vulnerable and it's hard and that I have baggage.)

"What?"

"Nothing."

...

...

"We OK?"

"Yes."

"C'mere."

"Why?"

"Because I want to give you a hug."

"Oh."

...

"So, there was jello wrestling last night, huh?"

"Yup."

"It must take a long time to make all that jello."

"Not really. Get some industrial-sized containers of jello and it jelloifies really quickly."

"Oh."

...

"Well, last night, at the party I went to, there were a lot of transvestites."

"Did you sleep with any of them?"

"Umm, no."

"Good. B/c you're only allowed to sleep with other women. And then you have to let me watch."

...

So I guess I'm in some place where I'm OK with this. I cannot break up with him three weeks (?) before the bar exam. At the same time, it came close. And if it weren't for the bar, I think I would have called it quits. But I like him. And I sort of like dating. Today was a bit of a wake up call, too. I think I've been selfish with him, partly b/c I think I thought that he liked me a lot more than I liked him. And I know he likes me, but I think I've caught up.

He's amazing in his own way. Incredibly patient and kind. I think he tries really hard to be a good boyfriend or whatever he is. And a good friend, and a good son, and a good brother, and a good grandson, and a good nephew, and a good cousin. He's a good person. How do I not give that a chance?

At the same time, I was at church this morning, and, like at every other service, towards the end, someone from the prayer team comes up and tells us visions or images of people they think need prayer. And if one of the images or visions speaks to you, you can go get prayer. Well, the last thing the woman said was, If you are in love with someone you should not be in love with. I refused to believe it was me. I don't love him. Not in that romantic way.

I should be able to break up with him b/c God should be enough for me. But I know I am weak and too emotionally f'ed up to do that. Also, I like this. Most of the time.

If I Fail the Bar, This Is Why

I should tell you ... no, you should ask me in the morning when we're not drunk.

No, you can't do that. Now you have to tell me.

...

...

OK. There are about two girls in this world that I would break up with you for right now.

...

One lives in Germany...

Why are you telling me this?

You told me to.

No...why are you telling me this? You know I've got baggage with this.

...

We need to go.

OK.

(Walking.)

(Stopped.)

No, we need to stop and talk about this right now. Why did you tell me that? That was really hurtful.

I know, but...I don't know.

Does this mean you could never like me as much as you like them?

No.

Well then why did you tell me? Because that was really hurtful and I don't expect you to like me the most right now, it's a process. But that just hurt.

I know, I'm sorry. It was stupid.

(Walking.)

To make a long story short, when we got to his place, he told me every fucking gory detail. How he was dating this girl and then went to Germany and this woman told him she had feelings for him and that threw him for such a loop that he had to come home and break up with the girl. Who is now in his life as a very close friend. And then there was some other girl he was going to date, but some other girl told him she liked him or something, but that never came to fruition, but still, he didn't have the emotional wherewithal to actually date that girl. He never did make it clear why he told me, although he did mention something about how we weren't friends first, and usually he dates girls who are friends, and who kind of know this stuff about him. Or something.

And I'm fucking gutted.

But he was being honest, and I guess if he's going to say anything, I'm grateful for the truth. But why did he do that? My friend who has known him for a while says he likes to stir shit up. And he did do this about 30 minutes after I remarked to him that we've been dating for a month.

This morning, I was ok. But then I saw him messaging some girl on MySpace and I just lost it. If I could have jumped out the window, I would have. And I told him the night before, during the long ill-fated conversation, that I wanted to run. And he said he knew. That he could see that look in my eyes. And I also told him, too, that sometimes I don't know if he likes me, because he seems to have no interest in who I am, and that's why I was giving him such a hard time about it. But this morning, I just freaked out. And I got out as fast as I could, before the coffee he was brewing for me was finished.

"But I made it for you."

But I was scared, and I ran.

"Hey."

"What?"

"Where are you going?"

"This is the way out, isn't it?"

"Yes, but you're running away."

(Yeah, I am.) "I need to go."

Smooch, smooch. "I'll call you on Monday...after you finish studying."

(Yeah, and I'll probably break up with you.) "Yeah, ok. Bye."

I don't know if I'm going to break up with him. I mean, I think it's almost impossible to find someone WITHOUT baggage. Hell, hello, I've got some, too! And I know he knows it, but there are hurtful ways of unloading it, and there are delicate, hey, let's get closer kinds of ways. And he noted, too, that he may have destroyed all the trust I had for him. That glorious, glorious trust!

I can't concentrate.

Thus, if I fail the bar, I'm blaming him. I'm probably going to fail the bar. At least one of them.

Teeter Totter

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a girl?

I cheated on a girlfriend once.

...

It was in high school. Her best friend wouldn't keep her hands off me and whenever my girlfriend left the room, she would keep trying to unzip my pants. One day, I was hungover and finally gave in.

(Thoughts swimming.)

She didn't find out about it for a while, and then she did, and we weren't friends for a long time, but we are now.

...

It wasn't a very serious relationship. And I wouldn't do that anymore. And if it did happen, I'd just break up with you the next day.

(Is that supposed to be better?)

...

...

What about you? What's the worst thing you've ever done to a guy?

...

...

I once told my boyfriend, I guess we were sort of dating, that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

That's not a bad thing; that's telling the truth.

...

...

Hey, let's talk about something else.

I think I'm at a point where losing him would be more painful than a relief. And now it's something I'm afraid of. I don't like this reversal of power. (I use power loosely; I know relationships aren't about power, but it's a good way to encapsulate what I mean.)

Last night, I took him to a party. And he was perfect. It wasn't a test, but...it was a little. My BFF said, you guys need to go out and interact, and not be holed up in your own little world, b/c your relationships tend to be like that. So this was a good party to go to. I didn't know a lot of the people there, but enough of my good friends were there, including one of his friends. There was an amazing view of the fireworks to make up for any social shortcomings. He was great. If anything, I suck at not being able to include him in conversations. I don't know how to talk to him AND someone else. But he made conversation with my friends.

As for the conversation above, which happened earlier in the night as we were having dinner...I trust him. So much. More than I should, and more than I've trusted anyone in a long time. The fears I have are not due to him, but just ... due to life. Due to the fact that I have FEELINGS for him, and he was that power over me. I am vulnerable. Yikes.

More Thought

Here's one popular vision for saving the planet: Roll out from under the sumptuous hemp-fiber sheets on your bed in the morning and pull on a pair of $245 organic cotton Levi’s and an Armani biodegradable knit shirt.

Stroll from the bedroom in your eco-McMansion, with its photovoltaic solar panels, into the kitchen remodeled with reclaimed lumber. Enter the three-car garage lighted by energy-sipping fluorescent bulbs and slip behind the wheel of your $104,000 Lexus hybrid.

Drive to the airport, where you settle in for an 8,000-mile flight— careful to buy carbon offsets beforehand — and spend a week driving golf balls made from compacted fish food at an eco-resort in the Maldives.

This was from a NY Times article on Sunday called "Buying Into the Green Movement" by Alex Williams. It reminded me a lot of No Logo, by Naomi Klein. Her point in that book was, to be trite, branding is bad. Towards the end of the book, she wrote, I'm not going to create a shopping guide for you. That is exactly what has happened with environmentalism today. We shop at Whole Foods, buy organic, drive hybrids...but that's missing the point! As someone in the article said, true environmentalism is buying LESS. The article was a good wake up call.

Something I've gotten into lately is Freecycle. It's awesome. Every day I get like 30 emails from people who want stuff and who are giving stuff away. Before the move, I gave away bookcases, air conditioning units (boy did I regret that when we had those 90+ degree days), flower pots and soil. I got almost all my moving boxes. I wish I could have given more away. I wish I could go and pick up that dresser someone is giving away!

The point is, I hope I'm recharged, redirected, recommitted. I should consider turning my computer off when I sleep at night, which I do often, but not consistently. Did you know 4% of energy use in the US goes to power televisions! Yikes!

Reading Is Fun-damental

Last Thursday's Metro (the free daily paper) was nothing short of hilarious. First, there's a picture of flooding in Central Texas - there are three guys sitting on folding chairs in the middle of a two-lane road, floodwater lapping at their toes, with fishing rods in hand or nearby and a cooler between them. A fourth guy is casting a net into the muddy waters. On another page, there was a story about a man who was arraigned here in Boston for allegedly harassing and assaulting women and children on the Esplanade. OK, that's not very funny. But what was funny was that he was first booked under a name - Rearlimgigeazr Eshiesycapilla - until the cops realized that it was made up. What gave it away?? There's also a quote in this story, set off, in big blue letters, that says, "I believe he has mental health issues and seems to be preoccupied with sex." Who isn't, I ask??

There was other funny stuff, but it's not worth recounting.

I'm starting to feel at home in my new home!! Will try and post pictures when things aren't so chaotic and I'm not pilfering a neighbor's wireless.