3am

For the second day in a row, I am up very very late, even though I am very very tired. The routine has become: get into bed, read a few pages of my book, get drowsy, turn off light, and then, a few minutes later, become wide awake again because there are a million things running through my mind. Some of them have to do with the boy (it's bothering me that I can't stop thinking about him) but most of them have to do with how much I have to do. Study for bar exam. Pack. Move. Complete closing. Pick paint colors. Sell furniture. Get condo insurance. Make phone calls to people / friends I have lost touch with in the last three years. Maintain friendships that I made in the last three years. Figure out the meaning of life. Exercise / take care of my personal health. Speaking of personal health, I am disturbed that everything I eat gives me serious stomach pains. I thought it was stress, but it comes and goes. I thought I was allergic to bell peppers, but that comes and goes. Maybe it's stress. I have no idea. But I've gone through a bottle of Peptol-Bismol in less than a week. Oh, and that's another thing I have to do - get to student health. Sigh.

Finally

This entry will not do justice to the enormous things that have been going on in the last several weeks.

I finished law school. It took for-freaking-ever because I had to grade exams for the class I was teaching, and so while everyone else was done and having fun and traveling and what not, I was reading bluebooks. Last semester, one of my professors told us that he would always remember us because we were the first class he taught. I think the same could be said about the class I just taught. I appreciated each and every one of them for their unique idiosyncracies, personalitiesm and problems that they brought to class. (That's a nice way of saying some of them were pains in the asses. :))


Commencement, 2005

Instead of going to graduation, I spent the day in Maine with my parents. We went shopping, drove around, ate lobster. It was a stressful day. And the teeniest tiniest part of me regrets not walking, mostly because I kind of wish I had pictures for my parents. They get so little out of my law school education besides bragging rights and less money in their pockets. But I was the one who suffered, so wanting them to have a picture of me in a psychedelically colored cap and gown is really just an I-want-to-be-a-good-daughter impulse.

From that same impulse, I am saddened by the day I spent with my parents. I wish I could be nicer to them, more patient, more loving in the way they appreciate. But I can't, because they are frustrating and ignorant and bigoted. There was just so much chatter the entire day that when I got home, I really appreciated my empty apartment. Questions about stupid things - what is that? How am I supposed to know? Or, What kind of law are you going into? Can't we just say law and not have to spend 10 minutes so that I can explain and then you just telling me that I should do something else, or do corporate law or real estate so that I can take care of their legal problems? Also, having to correct them - that's a church. No, it's a library. And the constant criticism, not just of me but of everyone around us. SO FUCKING TIRING. And I rarely get to see them, and I wish our interactions could be about more than just shopping and money and food. And criticism.


Kittery, Maine

I discussed this recently with a friend and he said, I've given up. There's just too much difference between us. And I want to give up too, but then that just makes me sadder.

So then the day after graduation, bar review started. I was logging in about 10+ hours a day doing two different courses, but now one has ended and I will be down to a more reasonable 4 hours of class time, plus additional study time on my own. My head is swimming with all the things we've covered, and with the prospect of how much more I have to learn. I'm trying not to stress about it, and I think I've got a handle on that. I mean, dumber people have taken and passed the bar, and as long as I don't sit on my ass all summer, I should be ok. SHOULD BE.

Speaking of my ass, it is enormous. I have just about given up on working out. It's affected my energy level, my self-confidence, my access to my wardrobe, and my digestion. (I've been having the worst stomach pains lately, no matter what I eat.) Next week, I start my swim class and I also have my first of two appointments with a personal trainer at this new gym. I am kind of scared to meet him because on the phone he sounded like a hard-ass, but I am considering investing money in personal training sessions, at least for a few months, because it might be what I need to overcome my moment of not-working-out inertia. I even bought new sneakers to add to the excitement of developing a new gym routine!

If you've made it this far, I've got one last item. And it's about a boy! Last night, I went to a party, and I met a boy. Today, I have that excitement that comes from meeting a new boy at a party and flirting and feeling something like a spark. Something like. It's not totally like because, well, who knows for sure about these things when alcohol is involved. But it was a nice feeling - a feeling that I haven't had since last fall. Nothing happened and no digits were exchanged, so don't get too excited. But ... I'm feeling wholish (not whorish!) and humanish after a year of being emotionally brutalized. Hooray!

Too Much to Say

It has been a long time since I've written, but it's not that I haven't been thinking about you, oh blog of mine. There's almost TOO much to write to be able to sit down and do it. There's definitely too much to do to sit down and write it.

I am neck deep in bar review. Barbri and PMBR. Today I slept until 1. That is why I am awake at 4am. Also, I just finished a book, The Raw Shark Texts. While original and inventive, it is at the same time predictable and pedantic and not very sophisticated in its own way. The thing reads like a movie, and it does not surprise me that the options have been bought. The love story is predictable and not that compelling. It pisses me off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's 4am. Maybe because in the last month or so, I've turned into a serious grouch.

More later. I think it's bedtime.

Gross Inaccuracy

Surely this is wrong:

GREEN

You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

Courtesy of: How About Orange. I've been addicted to design-focused blogs ever since I embarked on the condo adventure. Oh, and I watch A LOT of HGTV.

Gross Injustice

I'm writing a paper on plagiarism. It's one of the many obstacles standing between me and graduation. I feel like I'm one of the last 3Ls with work to do. Oh wait, that's because I am.

Anyway, the paper on plagiarism...brought back memories of middle school...I think it was seventh grade, and we went on a field trip to the city to see a Magritte exhibit. You know, the man in the bowler hat with the apple in front of his face. During the museum visit, we were supposed to answer questions about the paintings. In my I-must-do-everything-the-teacher-says dorkiness, I did the assignment. Meanwhile, everyone else is running around the museum, flirting. Yeah, I engaged in some running around, but only after I completed the assignment. One of my friends who was not so diligent copied the answers from me.

A few days later, the teacher who brought us on that field trip made me stay after class. Then she took my assignment and compared it with my friend's assignment, and then accused me of plagiarism. After I explained to her that actually it was I who did the assignment and my friend who copied from me, she paused and said, oh, well, that's not allowed either.

I checked in with my friend who copied from me and wouldn't you know it. The teacher NEVER talked to her about this plagiarism. NEVER. Right now, writing about this, years later, makes my stomach roil with anger.

Onward, towards graduation! (BTW, I'm not actually going to graduation. And I might not get my diploma either because I owe the library $9.00 in fines. HA!)