Family Is Just Another F Word Vol. II

For the second time in about three years, my brother and his wife hosted Thanksgiving dinner. Less wine was drunk, and the ferrets were smellier, but the food was better. In the last few years, the closer I've gotten to becoming a lawyer, the more anxiety-ridden the thought of seeing my parents has become.

My parents put a lot of pressure on me. They always have. And they will never be happy with my life. There will always be another milestone to achieve, another thing to accomplish FOR THEM. So that they can be happy, feel like successful human beings, and brag to their friends. With my masters and now with my JD and my job, they have the career bragging down. Now, my dad WILL NOT LET UP on getting me married off. EVERY FUCKING THING is husband oriented. He said, yes, I wanted you to go to Taiwan and China to, more or less, check out the goods. When I told him a boy (gasp!) was picking me up and driving me back home, he immediately become uber-interested. I was texting / blackberry messaging with someone (the ex, natch) and he wanted to take him out to dinner. Even though he didn't even know it was a boy. And in recent weeks, having lost my appetite, I lost a few pounds. Fifteen more, he said. Even if I get married and lose 15 pounds (or in his mind, I need to lose the weight first in order to get married), there will be the grandkids to have, and the bigger house to buy, or this that or the other thing. IT JUST NEVER ENDS. So yeah, I often choose not to go home because, well, sometimes I just want to be appreciated, and I don't like constant reminders that there are things in my life I'd like to have.

In addition to putting pressure on me to "improve" my life, my parents, or at least my dad, put a lot of pressure on me to fix everyone else's life. I have a brother who is sort of floundering in life. He just can't seem to get any ambition together for enough time to make anything of his life. And my dad said to me this weekend that I need to look out for job postings for my brother. Umm, no. I am not going to help my brother find a job. The biggest problem is his lack of self-control when it comes to his temper. He's gotten fired from two jobs in less than two years. I mean, who gets fired? I'm not going to hook him up with a job just so he can fuck it up. And finding a job for him is not going to change the fact that my parents coddle him and put no pressure on him to get his life together.

If that weren't enough, whenever my dad and I are alone, which we are a lot because I play his personal chauffeur when I'm home b/c heavens to Betsy he's a bad driver, he just complains and complains and complains to me about how everyone is a disappointment. My mom, my brother, my other brother, the sister-in-law. Even my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in months, not really giving a shit that I've graduated law school and passed two bar exams. It's kind of depressing that my dad feels so despondent about his family and his life. It's even more depressing that he unloads it on me.

My mom, on the other hand, is just plain crazy. In her menopausal age, she's really taken to touting just how awesome she is. Oh, my palate is so great that I don't eat leftovers. Oh, I don't eat that much. Oh I don't this, I don't that. And it's all in this tone of how awesome she is. Then, on Thanksgiving, the tv was on as we were waiting for dinner. It was some stupid movie about some girl who falls for a prince, but doesn't know he's a prince. There's this library scene where they start making out, and she's taking off his shirt. Ok, yeah, a little awkward. But what does my mom do? She closes her eyes, has this completely stuck up look on her face, and says, who wants to watch this? Well, mom, if you weren't so sexually repressed, maybe you wouldn't have married dad and maybe we could have had a sex talk by now. OK, that's not fair. It's totally cultural. Now I'm just ranting.

The one other thing my parents have always been prone to do, my entire life, is involve me in their business. Yes, English is their second language. And since the age of 10 or maybe even younger, I've had to make phone calls for my parents - to credit card companies, to doctors, to business people. I've had to translate and write letters. Fill out my dad's jury duty forms. I've never been able to get away. Even when I was on the W. Coast for college, even when I was in New Zealand I feel like, these things I've had to do for my parents has haunted me. And law school has only increased my expected duties. I'm pretty sure the first thought that ran through my parents' minds when I told them I wanted to go to law school was, "Oooh, free legal services!" It's like as soon as I get home, piles of paperwork get put in front of me. Read this, fill out that, interpret this. On Saturday, I had to call my dad's eye doctor for an emergency appointment. They give me the phone and I dial the number, then they proceed to talk to me the ENTIRE time I'm trying to make the phone call to them. It's like there isn't enough fucking time in the world for them to tell me everything I need to do.

And let's not even talk about their racism. How the indication of a good neighborhood is the shortage of black and hispanic people. And how if someone fails to do something, it must be a sign of their inferior race, and not just their personal unreliability.

The thing I don't get is how much I want to do stuff for my friends. I've offered to do free legal research for friends, particularly the Ex who had problems with his last landlord and is in the midst of more problems with his current one. I'm almost ANNOYING how much I look up. (But yeah, I've been bored at work lately.) Why? I wish I could be less ungrateful to my parents. I wish I could just tell them to back off. I wish for so much with my parents.

A blog post wouldn't be complete without an update on the Ex. The last week or so, we've been talking a lot. On IM and text, mostly. But at least we're communicating. He drove me home on Saturday, and that was really good. He helped set up my new fancy tv. (One of the benefits of parents who express love through money and gifts.) We've also been more open and honest with each other than we were when we were dating. Which is good in the interest of friendship. But sorta sad that we couldn't be when we were dating. But really, I think we're in a good place. There were times when we were dating where I felt that we were just friends, that I felt nothing more. Except we cuddled, which was an added benefit to our friendship. So the fact that we're friends and talking and hanging out ... it's almost like it was the way before, just without the cuddling. Which is ok, because it's not like we were really that super close in some ways. I guess. Not gonna lie - I stlll think about getting back together. I still think about things I wish I had done differently. But at least there's no huge gaping hole in my life.

This sort of makes me wonder, though, what love is. I thought I loved the Boy, but there was no giddiness in my stomach, no flutters in my stomach. Then again, is it supposed to feel like that? Sure, maybe when I was 15, but now? I don't know.