Fun Night, But I Wish It Was Easier

Tomorrow being a holiday and all, my friend had a party. It was such a good night. Really interesting, nice, sophisticated, fun people. Nothing debaucherous. Just people having a good time, getting to know each other.

Then why am I so sad?

I met people I totally hit it off with. Guys. And as I laughed and we talked about New Zealand and elder law, I felt myself pulling back. And by the end of the night, I just felt so sad and lonely inside. I miss him. Dammit.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Church today was so good. The sermon was about life - like, all of life, and how people experience life and God through their childhood, 20s, 30s, and on. The 20s is a struggle with the devil. The 30s is a struggle with God. The 20s is about keeping options open. The 30s is about dealing with the closing of options. Marriage, kids, career. It's also a struggle with God b/c there can be traumatic losses - God taking away a child or spouse or something like that. The sermon totally helped me put this breakup in perspective. Look at it in the big picture, and then I can fixate less on the little, the immediate, the sense of wanting to get back together, even though I know it would be a bad thing, just b/c it would be all about ease the pain now. But no, because the big picture is, why do I want to get back together? Do I have abandonment issues? Daddy issues? Who knows. I need to process it. Whatever it is, these are things I can't work out with him. Although we are friends, he has no obligation to me. He has no duty. He has no interest, frankly. I don't think he could muster it up even if we were still dating. Which is why, ultimately, this break up is good.

Last night was drama. There was fighting and yelling and hanging up and 19 phone calls. And tears, so many tears. And he was an ass. An insensitive ass. But it doesn't matter, b/c he's my insensitive ass friend, not my boyfriend. And the problem was I wanted him to treat me like a girlfriend. Actually, somewhere between how he actually treated and treating me as a girlfriend would have been fine. He's a sloppy drunk.

I gotta go to bed.