I Hope This Is Therapeutic

I survived dinner. it was actually really good. We had a good time, interacted well as friends. But every once in a while, I would look at him and this pang of missing him, of just wanting to touch him, to have him touch me, overtook me. So yeah, we talked a bit about "us". And I was honest and said I'd been thinking about getting back together, that we'd made a mistake. And he said, yeah, sometimes when I was with you, I wanted to be single. And sometimes since we broke up, I want to get back together. But that just makes me think I'm not ready to be in a real serious relationship.

And I can't be in a relationship that's not serious or going somewhere. No matter how hard this is. Because I need the companionship, the commitment, the love, the compassion, the shared goals. And even if he did want to be in a serious relationship, he probably wouldn't be right for me. Who knows.

And I wanted to ask him, is it me you can't be in a serious relationship with, or is it you? But I didn't ask. Because I was looking for something, an affirmation, a rejection. But I thought to myself, I don't need that, b/c God loves me through the mistakes, despite the mistakes, even when I don't think about God. Which I haven't very much in the last few months / years. I hate that I only think about God when I'm suffering or hurting or facing obstacles such as the Bar Exam, but I am so thankful that God forgives me for that, and loves me despite.

After dinner, I hung out with some friends, the friends through whom I met the boy, and who are hosting this party tonight that we are both going to. And it was good. It was so good to talk about it, especially coming off this feeling that breaking up was right. This optimism that we can be friends. And for them to affirm me and say, you were too good for him. It's not the superiority that is affirming; it's the idea that someone out there can appreciate me and my accomplishments, and my heart, and my mind, and not just me as a warm body to cuddle with.

But then I woke up this morning, first at 4am, then again at 7am, after trying my damndest to sleep past 6. And I was again overwhelmed with sadness, and I couldn't stop thinking of him again. And just this feeling of loneliness. This core-shattering loneliness that makes me break down and sob. I am so broken.

It's true. I want this to be easy. I want the pain to disappear. I think about dating someone else as a rebound to ease these feelings. I think about seeing the boy, hanging out when the pain is at an apex. I just have to embrace these emotions, right? I was savvier ten years ago when I would embrace these ups and downs - they make me human, they make me me, and I think in a way, they are a gift. Because when I do find the right person, I will have so much love to give, and it will be appreciated. And it will be right.

I can't wait.